//TESTDRIVE7.0.EXE

[reparator]

//TESTDRIVE7.0.EXE Mystery Science Theatre -3000 Welcome to Cerealia's latest attraction. In an effort to branch into other forms of entertainment, CERES has been slowly patching together films from various worlds to show in its brand new movie theater. So, grab a friend, sit back, and enjoy the newest batch of imported films with a nice bucket of popcorn. As you'll notice from the long line outside, it's the latest rage in the colony, and those tired of the same virtual battles in ViViD are eager to enjoy a little change in scenery. For those eager to participate, you will find yourself being lead into the lobby by one of the many robotic theater employees. Showing today are five special films, and in the lobbies are various screens advertising them through the movie's digital avatar, Mnemosyne. Allow her to take you on a virtual tour of CERES' finest theatrical offerings. (( P.S. no actual actors/actresses appear in any of the films. It's all done through advanced CGi-technology and voice acting. )) "GOOD EVENING, MOVIE-GOERS. I AM MNEMOSYNE, YOUR GUIDE FOR THIS EVENING. AS YOU CAN SEE, WE HAVE SEVERAL CONCESSIONS FOR YOU. PLEASE PARTAKE IN THE CONCESSIONS, BUT DO NOT MAKE A MESS. THE THEATER ROBOTS HAVE BEEN PROGRAMMED TO TAKE ACTION FOR LITTERING. TONIGHT'S FILMS ARE THE MUCH LAUDED AND CRITICALLY ACCLAIMED FILMS HAND-PICKED BY JULIUS VINCERE: MY PETITE EQUESTRIAN EXPERIENCE RATED A LARGE ADVENTURER 7 RATED B THE RETALIATORS: ERA OF RADICALON RATED C DECEASE HARDER II RATED D YARD-DOOR PEOPLE OF QUESTIONABLE MORALS RATED Z PLEASE MAKE YOUR SELECTION AT THE BOOTHS IN THE FRONT OF THE LOBBY THEN FOLLOW THE DIRECTIONS TO THE APPROPRIATE THEATER. THANK YOU AND ENJOY YOUR EVENING."

//SCENARIOS.EXE THEATER I [ 0000 ] MY PETITE EQUESTRIAN EXPERIENCE - RATED A Advertised as a delightful tale of ponies discovering magic and friendship, this is a must-see! For adults that is. The ponies are killed within the first ten minutes, and then the rest of the run time is filled with a celebratory orgy of Roman-esque proportions. There are no mentions of ponies after the initial scene. They are neither seen nor mourned nor heard from. There are only naked, gyrating bodies as far as the eye can see. If you manage to sit through the horror long enough, you will notice a certain something in between the moaning. Is that your face on one of the protags? Is it a beloved family member or a friend? You will find that spliced between the scenes are cherished and innocent childish memories now being soiled by passionate cries of pleasure. Enjoy the new memory, your poor, sweet summer child. This will only be visible to the viewer himself/herself. THEATER II [ 0000 ] LARGE ADVENTURER 7 - RATED B A touching tale of dealing with loss and more loss. This film is about a giant robot and his pet human that gets eradicated in the Third Robotic Genocide, leaving behind just a human carcass. The giant robot clings to the carcass and cries robotic tears until finally he chucks the carcass into a river full of carcasses and decides to go on a deep quest in search of cheese. But spliced between this tale of woe, viewers will see images of themselves caught in a romantic memory. A first kiss, perhaps? A first love-making session? A first crush? A desired one will also have their face molded on top of all the carcasses as they flow away. This will only be visible to the viewer himself/herself. THEATER III [ 0000 ] THE RETALIATORS: ERA OF RADICALON - RATED C Agent Dick Angry takes it upon himself to assemble a team of miscreant aliens to invade the hell out of "Planet Earth." The aliens include Zorn, an intelligent toaster; Crisis, a blue-skinned beauty that turns purple when she's aroused; Trish, a rogue miniature ficus with a criminal record; and General Cerealia, a handsome, ripped man who beats evil-doers with his laptop and who looks suspiciously like CERES' programmer, Elias. This adventurous romp will feature the tragic memories of death interweaving with the destruction of the "Planet Earth." Those who attend will see first-hand the memories of their own worlds slowly being demolished before their eyes and all their loved ones screaming in agony. Then it'll loop itself again and again for the last hour of the film. Enjoy! This will only be visible to the viewer himself/herself. THEATER IV [ 0000 ] DECEASE HARDER II - RATED D Jack McJack is a cop who is having none of your shit. In this action film, he will ride around on a velociraptor and go around punching evil-doers and detonating them with land mines. If you want all the violence in the world, this is the film for you. Watch as every second is filled with pointless explosions and every curse word in all the known languages in Cerealia. Of course, spliced between every action scene will be every embarrassing moment of your life being played out for you and only you. Or is it? Start sweating and looking in every direction as you begin to wonder if everyone else can see that time you tripped and fell on your senpai almost kissing him (sacre bleu D= !) BONUS - THEATER V [ whyo'clock ] YARD-DOOR PEOPLE OF QUESTIONABLE MORALS - RATED Z This is a touching film about tenderness and coming together to overcome obstacles and achieve greatness. The Yard-Door people run into danger when an evil megalord starts polluting the air with negative feelings. The Yard-Door people must band together and save the world through kindness. They will go and help their neighbors get across the street, rake up leaves from their lawns, donate canned food to the poor, and collect toys for children who do not have any. While this film will draw tears from your eyes, you will see happy memories. The happiest that can be mustered. They will be spliced in with the scenes in the movie, occurring side-by-side with all the smiles and fuzzy feelings leaking off the screens. This will only be visible to the viewer himself/herself. Also, beware! This film contains the angriest of Theater Cleaning Robots. Dropping anything on the floor will result in a bit of a flogging with a wooden paddle and a robot calling you a dirty slut and claiming that you like it. Yes, BDSM robots will not take your bad behavior. You better bend over and start apologizing for being such a filthy, little theater-goer. [ Remember to apply proper warnings on threads with trigger-y or inappropriate material and do let a mod know if your thread careens off into maiming or canoodling so we can lock the meme. ]

//RUN.EXE Welcome to CEREALIA's seventh Test Drive Meme. For your convenience, we have compiled a post detailing everyone's arrival experience and a FAQ that should explain everything in more detail. Please read them thoroughly before playing. Thank you!

Comments

tsurumaru kuninaga / touken ranbu

[bloodcrane]

i. ANY OF THE MOVIES

[ it helps that everything here is so new and novel to a sword who's spent most of his life either on the battlefield or trying (and failing) to find peace in graves and shrines. the novelty is surprising and exciting enough that tsurumaru is able to put aside his misgivings about being yanked off the battlefield alone and masterless (again) to let himself be pleasantly surprised by All The Things, which means, hitting up every single movie.

it only takes after the first one to realize that these movies aren't just any movies, and that people are getting disgusted/angered/mesmerized/upset by them. truthfully, tsurumaru may also be a little bit upset -- that why would anyone dishonour the memory of his lord in that one not!ponies movie is beyond him -- but you know, it's more upsetting to see other people get upset. it's only natural that tsurumaru would do something about it.

therefore, if you happen to have the lovely seat beside or in front of him during any of these movies and you look in any way disturbed or upset, be aware that a shitty old man sword is going to draw a deep breath, lean over the chair and yell 'WAH' right into your ear. ]

ii. LOBBY

[ there's no poetic way to describe the maniacal laughter coming out of a white, kimono-clad sword who just happens to be riding on one of the theatre cleaning robots and zooming straight at you. ]

Watch out, coming through! Ahahahaha!

[ brb running everyone over. all these neat cleaning things are just so much fun. ]

i

[sunshrouded]

WAH?!

[Wow look that... sure was parroted right back at you.....

Also Tenka's natural response to surprises is to punch in the general direction that it came from?!

shit sorry bro]

[bloodcrane]

[ well.

out of sheer instinct, he ducks under the punch. something about being made for war and battle that gives you instincts for when punches are headed right for your kisser, or something. also out of sheer, delighted instinct, his gloved hands go up to pin that offending arm as though to flip his assailant--

okay no he probably shouldn't do that. tsurumaru freezes with a light-hearted laugh. ]

Woah, woah, I didn't mean to surprise you that much.

[sunshrouded]

[ . . . . . who is this guy. Not a lot of people are really capable of dodging Tenka's punches - though he did have the advantage of surprise. So now he's squinting even as he retracts his arm automatically, shaking his hand out of a fist.]

Why'd you have to go and surprise me at all....?! Who are you?

[bloodcrane]

[ in return, tsurumaru folds back in on himself neatly like origami -- what had once been flying sleeves and robes is now back prim and proper within the confines of his theatre chair.

in all honesty, this would work better if he's standing-- but he does manage a small nod of deference, even though the wide smile he has on has yet to abate. that was exciting, even if there's still decorum that he has to adhere to. ]

I am a sword forged by Kuninaga; please call me Tsurumaru. [ finger waggle in greeting! ahaha. ] And as for why I surprised you-- well, you were wide open, so I couldn't help myself. Sorry, sorry.

[sunshrouded]

..... Are you still pulling my leg.....

[WHAT ARE THE ODDS THAT TENKA MEETS TWO SWORDS IN ONE DAY - pretty high apparently. Regardless he's still squinting and openly dubious. What a weird guy.]

ii.

[deontology]

[Sadly, a robot is a robot, and a cleaning robot in particular is not scary at all. The robot is zooming right at Sousei, and he pauses, expression growing even more flat--and then he lifts a leg to slam it into the robot just as it nearly collides with him, stopping it in place.

Tiny robots are not near as scary as giant assassinbots.]

What are you doing?

[He sounds more...bemused than annoyed, admittedly.]

[bloodcrane]

[ now there's an expression he's used to seeing, mostly on people who are in the business of keeping him from driving every other sword in the encampment up the wall. not that he's ever quailed before a look like that, but it gives him a good idea of what kind of person he's about to deal with--

particularly because of the pesky thing called inertia. because while tsurumaru would be the first to admit that he knows shit all about physics, he's still very much bound by the laws of it, and having a cleaning robot stopped in mid-collision means he's flying off of the thing and careening straight into sousei.

have a white-clad sword all but flung at you!!

OMPH. ]

... well then.

[deontology]

[If he had been an actual sword, Sousei would have been able to catch him just fine.

Seeing as how he's apparently not--or, well, some form of youkai, anyway--he can still catch him, but barely, and it's with a grimace and a sudden huff of air as this guy basically slams into him.

One leg still keeping the robot in place, Sousei manages to grab him by the back of his clothing, and...holds him like that for a moment. At least, despite his slim build, he's much stronger than he looks. If he was a lesser man, though, he'd be wheezing.]

What are you doing?

[bloodcrane]

[ wow, are you calling him heavy?! that being said, it's been a while since anyone's held him by the scruff of the hood like a naughty child, so he just blinks and laughs a little at the nostalgia. they used to do it often, when he had been small enough to heft around like a kitten. nowadays, they just looked long-suffering, or screamed, or both.

this person is strong, however. stronger than he initially appeared, and the non-frivolous, war-bred side of tsurumaru immediately hones in the sword the man keeps, and then the man's sword-hand. interesting. ]

Ah... 'just hanging', or so it would seem! [ he grins, ostensibly friendly-- and not the least bit repentant, despite his words. ] I am sorry about the fall, by the way. You really saved me there.

i

[168th]

[ it says something about the personal content of the film (he would like to never see 4 that way again) when 13 is reduced to grimacing. why does the camera keep panning back to that? engrossed in the eye-burning footage, he doesn't see the intrusive presence until the shout happens too close for anyone's liking.

he doesn't make a sound. he doesn't even look as he lashes out to grab the offender's arm in a steel grip purely on instinct, although it's debatable as to whether he manages.

the sad truth is that he isn't as fast as he used to be. back in the day, his reflexes had been stunning. so, very stunning.

now look where he's at. ]

[bloodcrane]

[ in a movie theatre with an old man crane, it seems-- this really hadn't been the reaction tsurumaru had been expecting. which means, surprise!!! fingers clamp down on his arm and his smile freezes.

well.

did he go overboard, he wonders. but the fact that the person's eyes still have yet to peel themselves from the screen is telling, in a certain way. after a moment of awkward silence (punctuated by suspicious moans in the background, this movie is a bit too much), he moves to clasp his other hand over the hand on his arm, and then to poke at the other person's cheek. ]

Ah... how should I put this, but--

Are you quite alright? You seem to be in shock.

[168th]

[ it's a good thing that they're sitting near the back. they can talk to their heart's content, so long as they keep the volume at a reasonable level.

at the touch, 13 turns to the offender, relinquishing his grip on the arm at last. he's aware enough of his environment to have refrained from attempting to throw this individual over the row of seats in front of them. that's something. or maybe it's the comedic horror of the situation that stalled his natural way of doing things.

he wouldn't say shock, per se . . . ]

You surprised me.

[bloodcrane]

Did I? I am glad I had the desired effect. [ now that he's no longer being held onto, tsurumaru takes a moment to look at his new companion. as he thought, he still looks quite stiff, which tsurumaru thinks won't do at all. ]

Though I'd think the movie surprised you more. [ yeah, he noticed those grimaces. ] What a tasteless surprise, don't you think?

[ as if him shouting in your ear wasn't a tasteless surprise either-- but that's tsurumaru for you. ]

ii!

[souredsweet]

[who unleashed satan

But really, for someone who's done up in a rather movement-stifling outfit this evening, Kaoru sure does dodge the hell out of the way with surprising finesse. Guess who doesn't want Death By Cleaning Droid it's this punk.

As the trashbot and its valiant rider go nyooming past though, Kaoru will helpfully call out with:]

Oh— Watch out, sir! The floor is wet that way!

[Even though it may be too late for either of them to be saved now...]

[ 1/2 ]

[bloodcrane]

[ whoever let the shitty old man crane loose on the world without supervision, basically.

comically, not three seconds after kaoru's warning, if you could call it that, the cleaning droid goes the way of the four-koma and does a marvellous rendition of a pirouette in three parts: wet floor edition. see how the bot skids across the floor like an out-of-control nazca racer. see how it spins wildly while bleating phrases in badly translated engrish. see how it all but mashes itself against a wall, flinging its white-clad rider to the--

okay, just kidding. tsurumaru kicks off the robot, flips, and lands back on his feet not too far from kaoru. perfect 10.0 landing, with the added insult that his robes, flying wildly earlier, simply fold neatly back against him like origami. in contrast, the cleaning bot's head pops right off against the wall, and promptly begins smoking. ]

Well, now.

[ 2/2 ]

[bloodcrane]

[ before he can address the kind samaritan who called out to him, however, not three seconds later, a whole swarm of cleaning bots zip around a corner bearing flashing police lights and what looks to be giant paddles.

it goes without saying that if tsurumaru's involved, something has to go wrong.

his smile freezes for a moment, as though calculating the odds. and then, without decorum, he whirls around, ridiculous sleeves flapping, and laughs. ]

Ha! Retreat!

[ and since the bots seem to be indiscriminately going after everyone in the area and his kind samaritan is in a movement-stifling outfit, he'll simply attempt to scoop kaoru up and make a break for it.

it's never a boring day when you're tsurumaru fucking kuninaga. ]

[souredsweet]

[FIRST - IMPRESSIVE. Kaoru's a little startled to see Tsurumaru escape his true destiny as a decoration on the theater lobby's wall so smoothly! And also startled to see his clothing do... the thing. The weird thing. "Well, now" seems like a succinct way to sum all of that up... But Kaoru's attention snaps over toward the bot swarm before a response even comes to mind, because living in a city with an assassinbot squad trains a person to be on the lookout. The good news is, these ones don't have guns! The bad news, giant paddles??

It's in the middle of a very important mental debate (to run or not to run when running in a kimono is so very indelicate) that Kaoru is suddenly scooped up instead, which sure does neatly remove one problem-]

Ah—!

[-And causes another one because THIS STRANGER IS REALLY CLOSE. Disapproval! Discomfort!! A general sound of distress!

But there's not much room for complaint in such a freak situation, since this punk seems to be squirrely enough to escape a herd of rogue S&M bots without much effort. Hopefully. Hopefully. So congrats, Tsurumaru has now obtained one kind samaritan who latches on in a sort of delicate way, like there's simultaneous attempts at holding on and keeping distance going on here. But a stupid Mufasa-like death would be better off avoided too, so HOLDING ON IT IS.

Kaoru isn't a totally useless passenger either, luckily for the both of them. After only a couple seconds of running, one hand disentangles itself from whatever swath of funky origami fabric it had been grasping to point off in the direction of a darkened corridor leading toward one of the screening rooms.]

There are more to the left!

[bloodcrane]

[ yo man, being on the run from angry s&m robots is a horrible time to worry about personal space issues-- or so thinks tsurumaru, who's taking this whole 'running away from questionable robotic things with paddles' thing a little too well. presumably the lack of worry comes with the whole 'i'm a small sword in a big war against shady organizations that are trying to rewrite history with fanfiction' but it might just be that tsurumaru is just very, very used to pissing people off and laughing off the consequences. just another normal day, really, account for angry robots and move on.

that being said, he does appreciate the heads up to the left, and swiftly avoids that shady corridor on kaoru's advice, his sandalled feet dancing across the ground like the flapping of crane wings (or, you know, he's just running really fucking fast). it's just that straight ahead, the sound of police sirens blare, and yet another squad of bots cross their path to play antagonist to what would've been a scott-free escape.

but hey, it'd been going too well, anyway. resistance is unsurprising. tsurumaru's smile turns vicious. ]

Ah, hold on, please.

[ deftly, he shifts his grasp on kaoru so that his passenger can wrap their arms around his neck, freeing his right hand, which immediately draws a blade as white and gold as he is. his strides lengthen, two beats becomes three, and he unceremoniously smashes the face of his sandal into the first robot, skewers the second one, and then flips over the third one (ladies and gentlemen, we bring you the revised version of the princess bride, except there's a whole lot less inigo motoya and all the mooks are holding paddles) all the while keeping a firm grip around kaoru to prevent mufasa 2.0 from happening.

there are two more coming, but he's less worried about those and more concerned about where they run off to after the fact. a convenient hiding place, perhaps? ]

ii!!

[splendour]

[ sudden, abrupt laughter getting louder draws Gracia out from the daze of looking through the list of movies--none of which she understands or even appeal to her in the first place, why watch a show when you can apparently experience it yourself in the "virtual reality"...?

but those thoughts are quickly gone as instinct leads her out of the robot's and tsurumaru's path; standing to the side, she blinks a moment after them. he sounds like he could be having fun? but at the same time maybe it's gone out of control. frowning, gracia dashes behind them, hands forming familiar seals before she spins and throws out ice magic at the robot, freezing it in place.

good deed for the day done, she walks up beside the man in white curiously. there's something about him that...she can't put her finger on. maybe he was a mystic...? ]

Are you okay?

[bloodcrane]

[ so tsurumaru would be the first to admit that he knows shit all about physics, but it seems that he's just been introduced to the second most important concept (after velocity, which he seems to have enjoyed quite a bit): inertia. the sudden stop and the subsequent being launched into the air right after is surprising enough that it causes both of tsurumaru's eyebrows to shoot right up into a hairline, and with a comical yell, he goes head over heels off off the bot--

only to flip, flapping robes dancing downwards like crane wings as he lands in an elegant crouch.

still, he's hardly upset by this, especially since this is a rather pleasant surprise -- ice at the base of the thing he'd been riding on, how so very new and exciting. he remembers the girl that he had whizzed by, sees her heading up towards him, and before she's opened her mouth, he's put two and two together and his expression lights up. ]

I'm quite well, thank you for your concern! [ he then gestures towards the ice at the base of the cleaning robot, which is still futilely trying to flail its little robotic arms around like a cleaning determinator, the unabashed curiosity in his eyes making him seem far younger than he really ought to be. he's also shameless. see: ] By the way, are you perhaps a yukionna in disguise? You really stopped my steed cold.

[splendour]

[ THAT WAS AMAZING and acrobatic, please wait while she looks at him, eyes wide in amazement because in all her life she's never seen someone jump off a robot with such grace, though she's pretty sure her father could do it, if he needed to.

she's heard of the yukionna legends before, but she's met a mystic who was almost like one. and what how beautiful Lady Nu Wa was...! she couldn't be compared to that. ]

Me? No, I'm not. I'm Gracia. [ she sounds a little embarrassed about the praise(?), but gracia's pleased by it too. ] That was my magic! It's one of the many things I can do!

[bloodcrane]

[ thank you, thank you, he'll autograph your posters to the right. but here's yet another pleasant surprise-- it appears that the young lady is not youkai, but is instead simply someone who wields magic. before being brought to life to do war against people who were trying to rewrite history with really bad fan-fiction, magic had always been, to tsurumaru, in the realm of the supernatural. however, their sage was able to bring them to life in a way that could also be called magic, and that had greatly impacted tsurumaru's outlook on the surreal. ]

Well, well, I'm surprised. [ a pleased murmur, even as he gets up from the crouch to nod politely to his new companion. ] Well met, Gracia-san. I am Tsurumaru, said to be the swordsmith Gojou Kuninaga's most sought-after work. Your magic is quite astounding, and I'd be delighted to learn more.

ii.

[heiwana]

[ Tsurumaru please. Tsurumaru what are you doing? Kousetsu might just be...watching for now? Unless you need help then he will come to your rescue, but for the most part he is just line facing at you hardcore. Though he does like to see others happy and he's glad you're having a good time. Just don't hurt anyone bro. :C ]

[bloodcrane]

[ 'tsurumaru please' is the tagline for any day ending in y tbqh. by now, however, he's noticed that kousetsu is here-- it's hard not to, with his height and his hair, and the air about him that seems to excise fun out of even the most delightful (for tsurumaru, which means it's probably upsetting someone else greatly) of situations. therefore, after doing a few rounds of grand theft bot, he skids his way right at his blue-haired comrade, at the speed of an unladen swallow or an out of control bot, which means-- ]

Wah! -- aah, just kidding.

[ -- stopping the bot just before it (or tsurumaru) flings itself into kousetsu and ending their joyride horribly (probably with a glare that punctures holes through armour tbh), proving that once and for all, tsurumaru is a liar and he knew how to control the bot after all (you just have to kick the right places with your foot). the salute he gives kousetsu is warm and glad, however-- with him here, souza, then, must be very relieved.

he just doesn't have to say anything about it. ]

Oh, my, riding on an automaton like this makes me taller than you are, Kousetsu-san. Now that is quite the surprise.