ioculus | //TESTDRIVE5.0.EXE

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!test drive

//TESTDRIVE5.0.EXE

Let it Go, Let it ~~Fucking~~ Go Already

Let's keep pretending it's not technically October in the game while Yuletide thoughts continue to spread through CERES. Inspired by recent tragic events, your friendly neighborhood programmer, Elias (

serritor) has constructed a wonderful new ice world to be accessed through ViViD, the popular virtual simulator.

As expected, this is a world covered in ice all over with a chill that bores into one's bones as players wander through. In the midst of it all lies a beautiful reconstruction of a mall, complete with various stores to suit your online shopping needs. However, before you can indulge in any spending, you're tasked with a mission should you choose to accept. You will have to enter the frost-covered mall which hosts a large, elaborate labyrinth and complete all the objectives as they're given to you and your party.

It seems that some horrible foe has arisen from the great beyond to kidnap Santa Bot (no relation to the futurama one). Unable to deliver toys and goods to the poor, needy adults of Cerealia, it's up to YOU to save him from a variety of enemies which include:

a.) Nasty, foul-mouthed elves
b.) A rabid flock of reindeer
c.) An ice queen who will not stop singing
d.) And a fucking minotaur. Why? Why not?

"Ho ho ho! And seasons greetings, players! I am Julius Vincere, the CEO of CERES, and I must apologize for a few recent temperature modifications as of late. But we were able to fix that small glitch quickly. We were only hoping to cool things down by a few degrees after we received a few complaints about overheating equipment. It seems our robots went a bit overboard with our dome, which is a safety precaution we put in place in the event of an outside threat or invasion. There's no need to fear, and we hope you enjoyed warming up with one another in the meantime.

Now, that that's behind us, let's have a little fun, shall we? I think some of you are familiar with the concept back in your home worlds. I observed enough to know that it's a pretty ostentatious holiday. That's why I asked my dear programmer, Elias, to build a simulation so we can experience a little bit of Christmas together. You can say it's a dress rehearsal for the real thing.

Anyway, if you all would be so kind as to sample this world and tell me how it goes. I want to see what you all think and get you all in the festive mood. Consider this my deep apology for one mistake too many. We won't allow it to happen again."

//SCENARIOS.EXE

PHASE I

[ 0000 ] Let the games begin! You're dropped before a giant forest with snow-covered trees, and in your path to reach the mall, there appears your first threat. They look cute and sweet -innocent little elves that smile and blush in your direction. They barely reach up to your chest and look up at you with big, glassy eyes as they promise to help you along your way. Little hands will grab yours, tugging you along. That is, until you're far enough along that you're deep in the midst of the forest where they decide to chip at a lake of frozen ice and chuck you inside.

They will then criticize your clothes, call you a piece of reindeer shit, tell you your ass is too fat then call your mother a whore. Because that's just how they roll. Here's your chance to fight back, get vengeance, and force the elves to tell you where Santa is. Those who manage to beat them into submission will be pointed in the right direction to the mall. Those who don't, have fun drowning in icy water!

PHASE II

[ 0000 ] Once you've escaped the elves, another trial appears. This time, it's in the form of twelve savage reindeer with blood dribbling from their lips. Their eyes are all an eerie shade of red, and they're staring at you deeply as though they can see into your soul. If you hope to get into that mall, you'll have to fight them down and avoid being caught in their antlers. There will be lots of bucking. Copious buckings. Kill the reindeer and remove their antlers for a special gift! (it's a coupon for a free McCERES burger.)

PHASE III

[ 0000 ] Once you reach the entrance of the mall, you'll be confronted with the icy labyrinth, guarded by a minotaur. He is large and in charge and will probably try to mow you down once he sees you. None of your weapons or magic will work, though. To pacify this beast, you will have to hug him. He requires a hug with feeling. He will tell you as much when you confront him. Give him a good squeeze then let him be. Love can cure many things!

PHASE IV

[ 0000 ] Are you done running around this maze of a mall? Tired of seeing the same Vidia's Secret store a dozen times? Alas, there is one last trial. It comes in the form of obnoxious carols being crooned in your direction by a beautiful ice queen. She's beckoning you to her with a siren song in the form of merry Christmas music, luring you in little by little and making you walk towards her while she tries to enchant you. She'll lean in close and whisper the rest of the song in your ear, and once you're in her trance, you'll turn on your own friends and party members to try and kill them. To avoid being drawn into her trance, you'll have to be knocked around a few times to regain your bearings. Then, it's either destroy her or be subjected to her ice magic. However, before she dies, she'll look deep into your eyes and beg you to save her and not to forget her.

She needs you.

Once you defeat her, Santa Bot will appear to dance a merry jig in your honor and shower you with credits. Hooray!

BONUS

[ whyo'clock ] You can't escape Christmas without a random sprig of mistletoe floating around your head and following you around. For those who try to escape, the mistletoe bot will only move all the quicker. Those caught under its insistent floating will be compelled to kiss a neighbor or two or ten. Or even kiss the minotaur. What we're saying is you should probably run.

[ Remember to apply proper warnings on threads with trigger-y or inappropriate material and do let a mod know if your thread careens off into maiming or canoodling so we can lock the meme. ]

//RUN.EXE

Welcome to CEREALIA's fifth Test Drive Meme. For your convenience, we have compiled a post detailing everyone's arrival experience and a FAQ that should explain everything in more detail. Please read them thoroughly before playing. Thank you!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[100% of the reason why he doesn't count...

But Oz will accept these EXTREMELY QUESTIONABLE terms with a light laugh, taking her hand as gently as possible when they're both on the run from murderous woodland creatures.]

I won't do anything to upset Bandersnatch, I promise!

[Or rather "I won't trick you", but Oz knows how to talk to kids... That sort of thing wouldn't go over nearly as well.

THAT SAID, OFF THEY GO. Oz will make sure not to go so fast that Lily has trouble catching up, but he's definitely moving quickly, occasionally throwing glances over his shoulder to make sure that the deers are kept largely at bay. Soon enough they'll be sliding into the mall entrance and the ice maze therein, and he huffs out a tense breath, raising his free hand to brush some snow-dusted hair from his eyes.]

—Are you all right?

[Meanie...

That laugh makes her question him all the more. Why was he laughing about that? It was weird. Still he said he promised, so that made it okay, right? For now anyway.]

Okay, you better not!

[His wording was pretty good since she could take things differently. For now it was kind of comforting to have her hand held. Usually Fang, Dug or Lottie would just carry her away, but the warmth around her hand...it was nice.

A little quicker than Oz might have thought, she keeps up with him. Bandersnatch covering the back in case one of the deers decided to follow. Even with Oz's ability the chain was still determined to guard Lily. As they slid inside Lily shook off the snow and ice only to see more ahead of them. There was no end to this, was there? It was a little upsetting for her but when she heard Oz speak she looks up at him.]

I'm fine. I can heal you know... [It was said with a pouting sort of tone.] Thank you...why did you help me? [She still seems skeptical of the help.]

[THEY MADE IT IN ONE PIECE, what a great victory... More of one than Oz had expected, honestly, even though it seems that the maze stretches on before them and says "haha you losers sure aren't done facing your ordeals yet".

BUT WHATEVER, he'll worry about that later. First and foremost, he's stopping to make sure that Lily really is okay. The ability to heal is handy and all, but as far as he's concerned, it doesn't negate the fact that being injured sucks and should be looked after accordingly!

Then the thanks follows, and the pouting and skepticism, and Oz can't help but smile just a little.]

Because I don't think of you as an enemy. [As much as he'd have liked to say "because we aren't enemies", he also knows that he has to leave that distinction in Lily's hands.] And getting through this place alone can be a little hard!

[Uninjuries was good though she didn't take much thought to the injuries...she spent a hundred years in the Abyss after all. Some weird deer were the last thing to scare her, well at least too badly. It was nice to not be alone she would have to admit.

When Oz began to look her over she stayed still as Bandersnatch watched closely. Oz should be grateful she didn't make any moves to attack him at the moment. Although she still didn't know what the other could do, but there was that smile again.

It seemed real but...she wanted to know what was up with him.]

...why? [She could tell him about his father but she wasn't sure she should. Her thoughts zoned in on his last comment as she stared with wide blue eyes.] So you didn't want me to be...alone?

[Satisfied with his check when nothing is turned up, he straightens his posture, setting his hands on his hips and glancing off in the direction of the maze. This is gonna be fun...

But his attention is drawn back to Lily at the question, and it's not like he can blame her at all for her suspicion. Even now, even after everything that had happened, they're all still in a very tenuous position. Preparing to head off to Sablier with the intent of stopping Glen means that Pandora is still in direct conflict with the Baskervilles, though he has hopes it won't be that way to the end.]

More or less! Nothing in here is real, but it still isn't good, having to wander all that distance by yourself. [A beat as he considers what to say next, and then:] You don't have to trust me, but we can call a temporary truce, right?

[Lily wasn't going to get rest for a while, she can see that right away. The maze was new to her and she is still more than new to this whole place.

The sudden attention back on her makes her jump back into reality. Eyes still locked onto the blond, she is sure he might be upset. After all a lot happened on the night they broke the stone. Even thinking about it was still upsetting her but this boy...didn't seem all that bad. Lottie said he had Jack inside of him?]

Not real? [That idea still confused her greatly. However at the mention of a truce...she guesses she could do that for now at least.]

Okay, for now. I'm Lily and this is Bandersnatch. [It was good to do introductions.]

Not real! [He repeats it with a small, affirmative nod, but that's about all he says in regard to that. He already knows that trying to explain it in more detail will just end in Lily being lost and frustrated... Not to mention the fact that he doesn't really get a lot of the details himself, either, so he'd probably end up explaining something vital wrong anD THAT'D BE TERRIBLE.

Instead, he focuses on re-introductions with a light and chiming laugh.]

It's good to meet you, Lily! You too, Bandersnatch. [Both of them get a smile in greeting, and because Lily's decided to do introductions again, he'll just introduce himself too?! Why not, right...]

I'm Oz, and you can consider me your truce ally. [AND FRIEND.] It looks like we still have a little way to go, huh?

[It would be best for someone to explain it fully...but even then there was no guarantee that she would understand. This technology was all really confusing and she had a hard time with the not talking face to face. Let alone trying to figure out how they were someone data and weird things. It was best to let it go for now.

The re-introductions felt right to her since they were forming a truce. They needed to be polite in someway, right? So it was best to say names and things like that.]

Mn. [She nods as she pats her chain's head softly. He was really warm, it felt nice.]

Nice to meet you...Ally. [She perks up a little.] Yeah! Bandersnatch can take care of anything scary!

["ALLY"... Well, he did sort of ask for this. It's better to be on good terms anyway, even if it comes with YET ANOTHER WEIRD NICKNAME. Ally is still better than Mountain Man.]

But you'll have to be careful too, all right? This place can throw really weird things at people.

[Like creepy bug teachers and little rude shitelves, apparently.

He'll glance in the direction of the maze again after saying that, brow furrowing upward a little in thought.] Hm... But we're probably going to have to go this way now, since we can't go back. Are you ready?

[She did want to say friend...but Ally worked for now. It was kind of an endearing term for her right now. She knew Oz was someone that wanted to stop Master Glen but right now they could focus on other matters.]

Really? How long have you been here?

[Her head tilts in curiosity about both matters. All of it was new but it seems like Oz knows what he's talking about...to a degree, maybe?

Her eyes follow his as they settle on the maze before them. With a direct and firm nod she looks at him and gives Bandersnatch the signal to walk forward.]

I'm ready! Are you?

Hm... Maybe a month?

[Oz has trouble keeping track of the time in this WEIRD FUTURISTIC PLACE that has a WEIRD EARTH CALENDAR. That sure had been fun, trying to explain "no actually I don't recognize this calendar system at all", followed (usually) by "oh actually my planet isn't called Earth".

But he doesn't seem too bothered by the length of time that's passed - and it's arguably understandable, considering he's been absent for much longer swaths of time before. That said:]

Ready! [He's still got his guard up, but he'll start forward, too. He keeps one hand free in case Lily needs to grab it again, with the other hand resting up against the ice as they move.]

...It's pretty big in here, isn't it? I'm a little surprised. [SOMEHOW IT LOOKED SMALLER FROM THE OUTSIDE.]

That doesn't make any sense, I just saw you before I got here!

[She knows it hasn't been a month since she got to this place, there's no way. Then again Oz sounds really unsure if that is correct or not. Maybe this place has weird time flow, like the Abyss. That would make sense to Lily, in someways.

That doesn't mean she wants to be trapped here either. Even if it seems like she wouldn't have a choice in that.]

Okay! [Following beside him, the chain moves ahead making sure that the route remains safe for now.]

It is.

[As they walk she notices Oz's hand before she looks ahead of him. She's curious about the other since they were alone and she could talk to him.]

Why don't you consider me an enemy? Lottie said you had Jack inside of you and you all want to stop us from freeing Master Glen.

[The "why don't you consider me an enemy" question is one that'd take a lot of time and effort to answer as thoroughly as he'd like, AND EVEN MORE THAN THAT is the fact that she mentions freeing Glen like that hasn't already happened. At least having experienced weird time discrepancies before means that he isn't as confused as he could be... He contemplates it in brief silence as they walk through the icy halls of the maze.

First, he decides to explain a little more about this place. SOMETHING'S DEFINITELY WRONG when talking about alternate realities and weird time-warping dimensions is easier than tackling the subject of alliances...]

I guess the easiest comparison to make would be to say that this place is a lot like the Abyss. Time passes differently here. [ALSO THEY'RE STUCK, that's another similarity. One that he'd really prefer to avoid...] So even though it's been a while, it looks like no time at all has passed back in our world, right? If you just saw me...

[Timeline bullshit is going to haunt them wherever they go, basically.]

...And it seems like it can probably affect time in more ways than one, too. What's the last thing you remember?

[For Lily they hadn't freed Glen yet. It was sad for her to think that he was still trapped away somewhere. He, and the others, were the only real family she had. Everyone else shunned her it wasn't until she was taken in that she knew a family could be warm, loving, and accepting. It was something amazing.

So if she was aware he'd been freed she would be more ecstatic than she could say. However, as far as she was concerned that wasn't the case. That is until Oz starts talking about time like it was in the Abyss.]

This is like another version of the Abyss then...? How? [Blinking she looks down for a moment. She did just see him so it would make sense, if what he was saying was the truth. This was a weird kind of Abyss then.]

...? [Confusion on her face, Lily looks at him with a stern sort of gaze.] The sealing stone was broken at your ceremony and we had to escape.

Edited 2014-12-14 19:36 (UTC)

I don't really know how... But it seems like there's more than one place like it. Parallel worlds and things like that, I mean.

[But that's something that even he has trouble grasping, so he won't overwhelm Lily by laying down a heavy explanation.

There are more important things to focus on, anyway, like the fact that Lily's from a pretty fair time ago... Not as long as it feels, but he's certainly farther ahead, as he had suspected. His brow furrows upward a little, and the smile fades.]

That happened a while ago for me - even before I got here.

[She scrunches her nose while she tries to figure out the possibilities. Sure, she guesses it could be true. After all the weird person said some strange things...but it was all a bit much to handle. All she could really do now is trust what Oz was saying, right? What good would it do for him to lie here?]

I never thought that would be true. [Twiddling her robe in her hands her eyes widen when she hears his next words. That wasn't possible, was it? Wait...what had happened then?

The urge to know what happened outweighed everything else.]

Tell me what happened!

[LILY NO he might mess up the time streams by explaining things! Cross the time wires!!

No, actually, he just doesn't think that this is a great time to go into the specifics. Being chased by a minotaur while having to explain that haha, whoops, Glen wasn't crazy or evil but he's definitely on that road now probably wouldn't be good for either of them.]

—Can you wait a little? Until we're out of this place, at least.

[Oz, she needs to know!

When he mentions not explaining it now her cheeks puff out and she gives him a good, long stare. The desire to know is there and she wasn't sure he wouldn't just run off when it was all said and done. So when they were out she would have to make sure he didn't leave.]

Fine. [There was a pouting tone and whisper of 'dammit' under her breath. For now she wants to find a quick way out.] Then let's move quickly!

[In her haste she begins to run ahead of him.]

[LILY NO THAT'S DANGEROUS... He's quick to follow her, at least, using his slightly less stubby legs to his advantage to make sure she doesn't outpace him.]

Hey, be careful—! Don't rush, you don't know what might be in here!

[GOOD LORD is this what Gilbert feels like all the time... just constantly stressed and harried??]

[Oz this is karma...maybe.

She looks back at him for a moment. When he catches up with her she blinks, why is he freaking out?]

It's not that bad! Just a bunch of ice.

[Well that is until she hears a loud stomping. Lily stops in her tracks as something big and furry crosses an intersection in front of them. Mouth dropping she runs behind Oz and hides her face into his back.]

What is that!?

[He'll go find and apologize to Gilbert IMMEDIATELY AFTER THIS... and then promptly forget like a day later and go back to being a little hellion but it's the thought that counts.

But oh, oops, that sure is - a thing?! Oz has no idea how to handle this minotaur tomfoolery, and he starts a little in mild surprise as Lily decides to use him as a meat shield. LILY WHY...]

I— I don't know?! ...It's not coming any closer! [AND INDEED, the minotaur just seems keen on blocking their path.]

—You stay here, okay? I'll... try talking to it.

[At least he'll apologize...hey, they can be brats together afterwards.

Oz was doing a good job as her meat shield. Be honored, you are temporary Doug. She would normally jump onto him or hide in his or Fang's robe.

Bright blue eyes lock in on the creature as it makes no move to come at them. Bandersnatch growls and back up to their sides. What did it want?]

Is it a chain?! [That seems like a logical thought to her...though when Oz says he will talk to it she throws him a judging glance. Slowly it turns to one of worry as her eyes well up.]

...You aren't allowed to die! [Then she would be alone.]

[TEAM SMALL HELLION FORMS.

But he takes his job as meat shield very seriously more often than not!! Even though he doesn't have a robe to hide in, and he's a little bit on the scrawny side, he sure does his best regardless...]

It might be? [SEEMS LOGICAL. But-] It doesn't feel like one...

[And that lack of recognizable presence is enough to have him on guard. He casts a glance toward Bandersnatch and then back at Lily when she speaks again. OH NO... HE MADE SOMEONE CRY]

I won't! I'll be very careful, so you don't have to worry, okay? [OR CRY god now he feels like a butt.]

[THE BEST UP AND COMING TEAM!

He was a good meat shield despite being on the smaller side. She is happy to have him as a meat shield.

It was true it doesn't feel like it but this place has been throwing her odd.] Yeah...

[It was more of a reflex with her now. She didn't want to be left alone with that thing. It was big and despite Bandersnatch's power it might be stronger.]

You better! [Lily rubs her face with the palms of her hands.]

[NO ONE WILL BE ABLE TO WITHSTAND the combined force of their brattishness...

But Oz will nod at that, since it's as good as a promise to him and he never goes back on promises if he can help it.]

I'll be right back!

[And after making sure Lily won't go scurrying off into the ether, he'll set off toward the centaur. Luckily, it speaks loudly enough so that she'll be able to hear its declaration of "I WANT A HUG WITH FEELING!!" even though she's standing back.]

Ah... [why.]

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