ioculus | //TESTDRIVE5.0.EXE

//TESTDRIVE5.0.EXE

Let it Go, Let it ~~Fucking~~ Go Already

Let's keep pretending it's not technically October in the game while Yuletide thoughts continue to spread through CERES. Inspired by recent tragic events, your friendly neighborhood programmer, Elias (

serritor) has constructed a wonderful new ice world to be accessed through ViViD, the popular virtual simulator.

As expected, this is a world covered in ice all over with a chill that bores into one's bones as players wander through. In the midst of it all lies a beautiful reconstruction of a mall, complete with various stores to suit your online shopping needs. However, before you can indulge in any spending, you're tasked with a mission should you choose to accept. You will have to enter the frost-covered mall which hosts a large, elaborate labyrinth and complete all the objectives as they're given to you and your party.

It seems that some horrible foe has arisen from the great beyond to kidnap Santa Bot (no relation to the futurama one). Unable to deliver toys and goods to the poor, needy adults of Cerealia, it's up to YOU to save him from a variety of enemies which include:

a.) Nasty, foul-mouthed elves
b.) A rabid flock of reindeer
c.) An ice queen who will not stop singing
d.) And a fucking minotaur. Why? Why not?

"Ho ho ho! And seasons greetings, players! I am Julius Vincere, the CEO of CERES, and I must apologize for a few recent temperature modifications as of late. But we were able to fix that small glitch quickly. We were only hoping to cool things down by a few degrees after we received a few complaints about overheating equipment. It seems our robots went a bit overboard with our dome, which is a safety precaution we put in place in the event of an outside threat or invasion. There's no need to fear, and we hope you enjoyed warming up with one another in the meantime.

Now, that that's behind us, let's have a little fun, shall we? I think some of you are familiar with the concept back in your home worlds. I observed enough to know that it's a pretty ostentatious holiday. That's why I asked my dear programmer, Elias, to build a simulation so we can experience a little bit of Christmas together. You can say it's a dress rehearsal for the real thing.

Anyway, if you all would be so kind as to sample this world and tell me how it goes. I want to see what you all think and get you all in the festive mood. Consider this my deep apology for one mistake too many. We won't allow it to happen again."

//SCENARIOS.EXE

PHASE I

[ 0000 ] Let the games begin! You're dropped before a giant forest with snow-covered trees, and in your path to reach the mall, there appears your first threat. They look cute and sweet -innocent little elves that smile and blush in your direction. They barely reach up to your chest and look up at you with big, glassy eyes as they promise to help you along your way. Little hands will grab yours, tugging you along. That is, until you're far enough along that you're deep in the midst of the forest where they decide to chip at a lake of frozen ice and chuck you inside.

They will then criticize your clothes, call you a piece of reindeer shit, tell you your ass is too fat then call your mother a whore. Because that's just how they roll. Here's your chance to fight back, get vengeance, and force the elves to tell you where Santa is. Those who manage to beat them into submission will be pointed in the right direction to the mall. Those who don't, have fun drowning in icy water!

PHASE II

[ 0000 ] Once you've escaped the elves, another trial appears. This time, it's in the form of twelve savage reindeer with blood dribbling from their lips. Their eyes are all an eerie shade of red, and they're staring at you deeply as though they can see into your soul. If you hope to get into that mall, you'll have to fight them down and avoid being caught in their antlers. There will be lots of bucking. Copious buckings. Kill the reindeer and remove their antlers for a special gift! (it's a coupon for a free McCERES burger.)

PHASE III

[ 0000 ] Once you reach the entrance of the mall, you'll be confronted with the icy labyrinth, guarded by a minotaur. He is large and in charge and will probably try to mow you down once he sees you. None of your weapons or magic will work, though. To pacify this beast, you will have to hug him. He requires a hug with feeling. He will tell you as much when you confront him. Give him a good squeeze then let him be. Love can cure many things!

PHASE IV

[ 0000 ] Are you done running around this maze of a mall? Tired of seeing the same Vidia's Secret store a dozen times? Alas, there is one last trial. It comes in the form of obnoxious carols being crooned in your direction by a beautiful ice queen. She's beckoning you to her with a siren song in the form of merry Christmas music, luring you in little by little and making you walk towards her while she tries to enchant you. She'll lean in close and whisper the rest of the song in your ear, and once you're in her trance, you'll turn on your own friends and party members to try and kill them. To avoid being drawn into her trance, you'll have to be knocked around a few times to regain your bearings. Then, it's either destroy her or be subjected to her ice magic. However, before she dies, she'll look deep into your eyes and beg you to save her and not to forget her.

She needs you.

Once you defeat her, Santa Bot will appear to dance a merry jig in your honor and shower you with credits. Hooray!

BONUS

[ whyo'clock ] You can't escape Christmas without a random sprig of mistletoe floating around your head and following you around. For those who try to escape, the mistletoe bot will only move all the quicker. Those caught under its insistent floating will be compelled to kiss a neighbor or two or ten. Or even kiss the minotaur. What we're saying is you should probably run.

[ Remember to apply proper warnings on threads with trigger-y or inappropriate material and do let a mod know if your thread careens off into maiming or canoodling so we can lock the meme. ]

//RUN.EXE

Welcome to CEREALIA's fifth Test Drive Meme. For your convenience, we have compiled a post detailing everyone's arrival experience and a FAQ that should explain everything in more detail. Please read them thoroughly before playing. Thank you!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[With a small laugh she keeps poking the screen, the flickering was amazing! It was so shiny and different.]

Okay! I can do that!

[Patting her pockets she pulls her device out and hold it out for him to take.]

Really? Show me! It's like a map then...but it's all shiny! Oz, show me, show me! Please!

[Really excited about this now.]

[NOW HE'S LAUGHING AGAIN because Lily is so dang cute, gosh. But he'll pocket his own device and take hers instead, leaning over so she has a clear view of what he's doing.]

Okay, okay! You get to it like this. First, you hit this button. Then, you tap this! See this thing? [Points! And then taps on it, too.] Aaand— there!

[The map pops up! VICTORY.]

It'll adjust to show wherever you are, so you don't have to worry about putting in anything else like street names.

[Eyes almost sparkling as she watches him touch her device, she didn't notice the laughing at her as much as she did the screen.]

Wow! It's magic! [Even though she was involved with all the Abyss things this was a whole new level for Lily.]

Really? So you can never get lost with it? I like this! What else does it do?

It can do almost anything! [IT'S NOT QUITE THAT MAGIC but it sure seems like it to someone from the magical alternate world equivalent of the Victorian era...]

You can use it to talk to other people, for one. Like this! [He'll hold Lily's CereVice out for her to take again before pulling his own back out. After a few seconds of looking for her name in the directory, her phone will be getting a call!]

You just have to hit that little green button to answer it. Give it a try!

Really? [Nothing like this was available at home so it did make sense it was like magic.]

You can? [Firmly she holds the device, a little nervous about breaking it, while she watches Oz pull his own out. A little startled by the sudden vibration of the device she looks at her screen and presses the button. There he was, she does a quick double take of him and then back to the screen.]

...How does it do that? Does this work...even if you are really far away?

[He waves at his screen and the little video feed on Lily's CereVice mimics his motions!]

It does! I could be across the whole entire city and it would still show up just like this. I don't really understand how it works, though...

[Technology is complicated, basically.]

But it's useful, isn't it? It's a lot harder to lose track of people with this thing.

[Practically still bouncing she waves back at the screen.]

That's amazing! I like this thing! Oh...that's okay, you know to make it do stuff, so that's just as good.

[She gives him a big smile.]

...do friends use it?

[JUST AS GOOD he'll take that as a compliment!!]

Yep! Well, I mean, anyone can use it... But it's good for calling friends.

[Really she glad someone could just show her how it worked.]

Oh, okay! [She looks down a little shy to ask anything else. Friends would be great to finally make here...she hopes it will happen.]

//TESTDRIVE5.0.EXE

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