ioculus | //TESTDRIVE5.0.EXE

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!test drive

//TESTDRIVE5.0.EXE

Let it Go, Let it ~~Fucking~~ Go Already

Let's keep pretending it's not technically October in the game while Yuletide thoughts continue to spread through CERES. Inspired by recent tragic events, your friendly neighborhood programmer, Elias (

serritor) has constructed a wonderful new ice world to be accessed through ViViD, the popular virtual simulator.

As expected, this is a world covered in ice all over with a chill that bores into one's bones as players wander through. In the midst of it all lies a beautiful reconstruction of a mall, complete with various stores to suit your online shopping needs. However, before you can indulge in any spending, you're tasked with a mission should you choose to accept. You will have to enter the frost-covered mall which hosts a large, elaborate labyrinth and complete all the objectives as they're given to you and your party.

It seems that some horrible foe has arisen from the great beyond to kidnap Santa Bot (no relation to the futurama one). Unable to deliver toys and goods to the poor, needy adults of Cerealia, it's up to YOU to save him from a variety of enemies which include:

a.) Nasty, foul-mouthed elves
b.) A rabid flock of reindeer
c.) An ice queen who will not stop singing
d.) And a fucking minotaur. Why? Why not?

"Ho ho ho! And seasons greetings, players! I am Julius Vincere, the CEO of CERES, and I must apologize for a few recent temperature modifications as of late. But we were able to fix that small glitch quickly. We were only hoping to cool things down by a few degrees after we received a few complaints about overheating equipment. It seems our robots went a bit overboard with our dome, which is a safety precaution we put in place in the event of an outside threat or invasion. There's no need to fear, and we hope you enjoyed warming up with one another in the meantime.

Now, that that's behind us, let's have a little fun, shall we? I think some of you are familiar with the concept back in your home worlds. I observed enough to know that it's a pretty ostentatious holiday. That's why I asked my dear programmer, Elias, to build a simulation so we can experience a little bit of Christmas together. You can say it's a dress rehearsal for the real thing.

Anyway, if you all would be so kind as to sample this world and tell me how it goes. I want to see what you all think and get you all in the festive mood. Consider this my deep apology for one mistake too many. We won't allow it to happen again."

//SCENARIOS.EXE

PHASE I

[ 0000 ] Let the games begin! You're dropped before a giant forest with snow-covered trees, and in your path to reach the mall, there appears your first threat. They look cute and sweet -innocent little elves that smile and blush in your direction. They barely reach up to your chest and look up at you with big, glassy eyes as they promise to help you along your way. Little hands will grab yours, tugging you along. That is, until you're far enough along that you're deep in the midst of the forest where they decide to chip at a lake of frozen ice and chuck you inside.

They will then criticize your clothes, call you a piece of reindeer shit, tell you your ass is too fat then call your mother a whore. Because that's just how they roll. Here's your chance to fight back, get vengeance, and force the elves to tell you where Santa is. Those who manage to beat them into submission will be pointed in the right direction to the mall. Those who don't, have fun drowning in icy water!

PHASE II

[ 0000 ] Once you've escaped the elves, another trial appears. This time, it's in the form of twelve savage reindeer with blood dribbling from their lips. Their eyes are all an eerie shade of red, and they're staring at you deeply as though they can see into your soul. If you hope to get into that mall, you'll have to fight them down and avoid being caught in their antlers. There will be lots of bucking. Copious buckings. Kill the reindeer and remove their antlers for a special gift! (it's a coupon for a free McCERES burger.)

PHASE III

[ 0000 ] Once you reach the entrance of the mall, you'll be confronted with the icy labyrinth, guarded by a minotaur. He is large and in charge and will probably try to mow you down once he sees you. None of your weapons or magic will work, though. To pacify this beast, you will have to hug him. He requires a hug with feeling. He will tell you as much when you confront him. Give him a good squeeze then let him be. Love can cure many things!

PHASE IV

[ 0000 ] Are you done running around this maze of a mall? Tired of seeing the same Vidia's Secret store a dozen times? Alas, there is one last trial. It comes in the form of obnoxious carols being crooned in your direction by a beautiful ice queen. She's beckoning you to her with a siren song in the form of merry Christmas music, luring you in little by little and making you walk towards her while she tries to enchant you. She'll lean in close and whisper the rest of the song in your ear, and once you're in her trance, you'll turn on your own friends and party members to try and kill them. To avoid being drawn into her trance, you'll have to be knocked around a few times to regain your bearings. Then, it's either destroy her or be subjected to her ice magic. However, before she dies, she'll look deep into your eyes and beg you to save her and not to forget her.

She needs you.

Once you defeat her, Santa Bot will appear to dance a merry jig in your honor and shower you with credits. Hooray!

BONUS

[ whyo'clock ] You can't escape Christmas without a random sprig of mistletoe floating around your head and following you around. For those who try to escape, the mistletoe bot will only move all the quicker. Those caught under its insistent floating will be compelled to kiss a neighbor or two or ten. Or even kiss the minotaur. What we're saying is you should probably run.

[ Remember to apply proper warnings on threads with trigger-y or inappropriate material and do let a mod know if your thread careens off into maiming or canoodling so we can lock the meme. ]

//RUN.EXE

Welcome to CEREALIA's fifth Test Drive Meme. For your convenience, we have compiled a post detailing everyone's arrival experience and a FAQ that should explain everything in more detail. Please read them thoroughly before playing. Thank you!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[The minotaur seems very satisfied with Lily's hug!! Good job Lily, you know how to hug with FEELING, unlike this loser over here who still seems vaguely repelled by the idea.]

Well... As long as it's polite about it, I guess. That's good enough, right?

[Looking up hopefully at the minotaur!! Apparently the answer to that is "NO", because it's still staring at him expectantly once Lily lets go.]

—Really?!

[UGH... UGH!! But if Lily can do it, he won't be the one to hold them back!! He holds his arms out again and goes for a HUG WITH GUSTO this time. The minotaur gives him a scrutinizing look after, before seemingly deciding that HEY that's good enough and giving them a nod. It steps to the side soon after.]

[She went a long time without hugs, so she has a lot of feelings. Regardless she's glad the thing liked her hugs and she smiles at before stepping back to the ground.]

Seems like it isn't.

[Captain obvious with the statement. The little Baskerville looks at Oz expecting him to do his best. It's just a hug man!

Once it's happy Lily pushes on Oz's back to make him move forward. Waving to the Minotaur as they walk by it.]

Bye bye! That wasn't too bad, right?

[Oz will take a stumbling step forward before letting himself be pushed ever onward, glancing over his shoulder to give Lily a vaguely exasperated look.

...Actually, it's the minotaur's back that gets a vaguely exasperated look - Lily just gets one of muted agreement. AT LEAST SHE SEEMED TO ENJOY HERSELF?! And it's kind of cute, because it's moments like that where he remembers she's technically pretty young kid despite the whoppin 100+ years she was missing from the world and all. Lily is basically his favorite Baskerville besides the doofy one that's his best friend...]

—Yeah, you're right. It was a lot better than those elves and deer, anyway. [FOR REAL.] And I think you were probably one of the best huggers its gotten yet!

[Not minding the look too much she trots past Oz when they reach enough of a distance.

It was a lot of fun for her. She had never done something like that before. Despite her age she was really naive to many things. With that she lacked a lot of experiences since she was abandoned so young. Regardless of that, she didn't mind Oz right now he seemed nice.]

They were mean! That thing was really nice. [At the comment her eyes light up and she stops in front of him.] You think so? [When she did things like this it was hard to imagine she could kill people easily.]

[THAT'S PROBABLY A VERY DANGEROUS THING TO THINK but Oz is basically thinking it right now... It's just hard, considering he doesn't even think of her as an enemy anymore, and in moments like this she's just a normal little girl.]

I definitely think so. Did you see how satisfied he was? He let you pass right away!

[That is apparently a Great Accomplishment!!

But oh, Oz can hear something in the distance now... Singing?]

[She was normal in some ways but she knows she is different than normal people too. She's a Baskerville and a lot goes into being that.

Giggling she bounces in place before she twirls around.]

He was warm! I guess I won that one!

[It's a little of a competition there.

Despite her giggling she stops when she hears a really pretty voice.]

Do you hear that?

You did, you did. I can't deny it!

[But he's laughing like it's all in good fun, because - well, basically. He'd take these competitions over their usual run-ins any day.

But at her question, he's straining to hear the voice a little more clearly.]

—Huh. It sounds like someone singing, doesn't it?

Yay! I'm glad I did a good job!

[Lily was kind of glad they didn't have to fight right now. It was nice to have someone a least kind next to her. It was enough that she had just about let her guard down around him.

Bandersnatch's ears twitch hearing it as well. Walking forwards she looks at Oz.]

It does, I think it's this way. [The chain starts to lead the way, but Lily waits for Oz. They were still in the maze and almost shyly she taps his hand softly. She doesn't want to get separated...although that might not be the whole truth. His hand was really warm before.]

[Her declaration just earns her a laugh, and the tap on his hand has him turning it toward hers, palm up and inviting.]

Here! This way we won't get lost.

[Even though he doubts he could lose Lily in a maze made of ice... All he'd have to do is follow the sounds of her wailing or her Chain massacring whatever sad sap boss is next in line.]

I think you're right about that, though... It's close to the center. That's probably where the next part of the game starts, so be on your guard, okay?

[A small embarrassed blush covers her cheeks when he offers his hand so easily. Gingerly she takes his hand, it's still really warm.]

Okay...

[She speaks softly but grips his hand a little tighter. There was little chance of them getting lost but she still wants the confirmation he isn't going to leave.]

The center? So we might be done soon? Okay! Bandersnatch can take care of it if it's dangerous!

[When she says that the chain picks up it's pace knowing they are ready to leave.]

[It doesn't seem like leaving is in the cards! Oz will stick close - probably would have even if he wasn't tethered to her.]

That might be it. I really hope there's nothing left after this, anyway... I've already been here for a while. [A SIGH.

He glances toward Bandersnatch as he moseys off though, brow furrowing a little.]

...You know, if it gets too dangerous, I can just take us to a log-out place instead.

[She can hope to leave so she will remain that way...even if it seems unlikely.]

I hope so too, I'm tired.

[Lily yawns, after all she did just get here recently and she was getting to that needing a nap point.]

Huh? What do you mean?

[A nap does sound very nice... BUT AT THAT, Oz will reach into his pocket with his free hand and withdraw the CereVice. While talking, he'll work on pulling up the holographic map.]

We can follow the map on this and it will show us where the exits are. It's an easy way out, but getting to the exit points can be a kind of hard...

[Now that they're almost in the center though, the map shows that there's one nearby.]

[Lily watches with wide eyes as Oz pulls the device out. She has one but she didn't think much of it, well until she saw what Oz's was doing!]

Wow! How is it doing that?

[The temptation to poke at it is a little too much to resist as she taps the device softly.]

Oz! Show me how to do this with mine!

[He'll hold it down to her level so she can tap away to her heart's content! The holographic image flickers a little when she sticks her hand near it.]

Here, take yours out and I'll show you. It's really simple!

[UNLIKE TAKING PICTURES, which took Oz a thousand years to figure out.]

You can use it outside of this place, too. It'll show you where you are on the roads and how to get to the places you want to go so you don't get lost.

[With a small laugh she keeps poking the screen, the flickering was amazing! It was so shiny and different.]

Okay! I can do that!

[Patting her pockets she pulls her device out and hold it out for him to take.]

Really? Show me! It's like a map then...but it's all shiny! Oz, show me, show me! Please!

[Really excited about this now.]

[NOW HE'S LAUGHING AGAIN because Lily is so dang cute, gosh. But he'll pocket his own device and take hers instead, leaning over so she has a clear view of what he's doing.]

Okay, okay! You get to it like this. First, you hit this button. Then, you tap this! See this thing? [Points! And then taps on it, too.] Aaand— there!

[The map pops up! VICTORY.]

It'll adjust to show wherever you are, so you don't have to worry about putting in anything else like street names.

[Eyes almost sparkling as she watches him touch her device, she didn't notice the laughing at her as much as she did the screen.]

Wow! It's magic! [Even though she was involved with all the Abyss things this was a whole new level for Lily.]

Really? So you can never get lost with it? I like this! What else does it do?

It can do almost anything! [IT'S NOT QUITE THAT MAGIC but it sure seems like it to someone from the magical alternate world equivalent of the Victorian era...]

You can use it to talk to other people, for one. Like this! [He'll hold Lily's CereVice out for her to take again before pulling his own back out. After a few seconds of looking for her name in the directory, her phone will be getting a call!]

You just have to hit that little green button to answer it. Give it a try!

Really? [Nothing like this was available at home so it did make sense it was like magic.]

You can? [Firmly she holds the device, a little nervous about breaking it, while she watches Oz pull his own out. A little startled by the sudden vibration of the device she looks at her screen and presses the button. There he was, she does a quick double take of him and then back to the screen.]

...How does it do that? Does this work...even if you are really far away?

[He waves at his screen and the little video feed on Lily's CereVice mimics his motions!]

It does! I could be across the whole entire city and it would still show up just like this. I don't really understand how it works, though...

[Technology is complicated, basically.]

But it's useful, isn't it? It's a lot harder to lose track of people with this thing.

[Practically still bouncing she waves back at the screen.]

That's amazing! I like this thing! Oh...that's okay, you know to make it do stuff, so that's just as good.

[She gives him a big smile.]

...do friends use it?

[JUST AS GOOD he'll take that as a compliment!!]

Yep! Well, I mean, anyone can use it... But it's good for calling friends.

[Really she glad someone could just show her how it worked.]

Oh, okay! [She looks down a little shy to ask anything else. Friends would be great to finally make here...she hopes it will happen.]

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//TESTDRIVE5.0.EXE

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