ioculus | //TESTDRIVE5.0.EXE

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!test drive

//TESTDRIVE5.0.EXE

Let it Go, Let it ~~Fucking~~ Go Already

Let's keep pretending it's not technically October in the game while Yuletide thoughts continue to spread through CERES. Inspired by recent tragic events, your friendly neighborhood programmer, Elias (

serritor) has constructed a wonderful new ice world to be accessed through ViViD, the popular virtual simulator.

As expected, this is a world covered in ice all over with a chill that bores into one's bones as players wander through. In the midst of it all lies a beautiful reconstruction of a mall, complete with various stores to suit your online shopping needs. However, before you can indulge in any spending, you're tasked with a mission should you choose to accept. You will have to enter the frost-covered mall which hosts a large, elaborate labyrinth and complete all the objectives as they're given to you and your party.

It seems that some horrible foe has arisen from the great beyond to kidnap Santa Bot (no relation to the futurama one). Unable to deliver toys and goods to the poor, needy adults of Cerealia, it's up to YOU to save him from a variety of enemies which include:

a.) Nasty, foul-mouthed elves
b.) A rabid flock of reindeer
c.) An ice queen who will not stop singing
d.) And a fucking minotaur. Why? Why not?

"Ho ho ho! And seasons greetings, players! I am Julius Vincere, the CEO of CERES, and I must apologize for a few recent temperature modifications as of late. But we were able to fix that small glitch quickly. We were only hoping to cool things down by a few degrees after we received a few complaints about overheating equipment. It seems our robots went a bit overboard with our dome, which is a safety precaution we put in place in the event of an outside threat or invasion. There's no need to fear, and we hope you enjoyed warming up with one another in the meantime.

Now, that that's behind us, let's have a little fun, shall we? I think some of you are familiar with the concept back in your home worlds. I observed enough to know that it's a pretty ostentatious holiday. That's why I asked my dear programmer, Elias, to build a simulation so we can experience a little bit of Christmas together. You can say it's a dress rehearsal for the real thing.

Anyway, if you all would be so kind as to sample this world and tell me how it goes. I want to see what you all think and get you all in the festive mood. Consider this my deep apology for one mistake too many. We won't allow it to happen again."

//SCENARIOS.EXE

PHASE I

[ 0000 ] Let the games begin! You're dropped before a giant forest with snow-covered trees, and in your path to reach the mall, there appears your first threat. They look cute and sweet -innocent little elves that smile and blush in your direction. They barely reach up to your chest and look up at you with big, glassy eyes as they promise to help you along your way. Little hands will grab yours, tugging you along. That is, until you're far enough along that you're deep in the midst of the forest where they decide to chip at a lake of frozen ice and chuck you inside.

They will then criticize your clothes, call you a piece of reindeer shit, tell you your ass is too fat then call your mother a whore. Because that's just how they roll. Here's your chance to fight back, get vengeance, and force the elves to tell you where Santa is. Those who manage to beat them into submission will be pointed in the right direction to the mall. Those who don't, have fun drowning in icy water!

PHASE II

[ 0000 ] Once you've escaped the elves, another trial appears. This time, it's in the form of twelve savage reindeer with blood dribbling from their lips. Their eyes are all an eerie shade of red, and they're staring at you deeply as though they can see into your soul. If you hope to get into that mall, you'll have to fight them down and avoid being caught in their antlers. There will be lots of bucking. Copious buckings. Kill the reindeer and remove their antlers for a special gift! (it's a coupon for a free McCERES burger.)

PHASE III

[ 0000 ] Once you reach the entrance of the mall, you'll be confronted with the icy labyrinth, guarded by a minotaur. He is large and in charge and will probably try to mow you down once he sees you. None of your weapons or magic will work, though. To pacify this beast, you will have to hug him. He requires a hug with feeling. He will tell you as much when you confront him. Give him a good squeeze then let him be. Love can cure many things!

PHASE IV

[ 0000 ] Are you done running around this maze of a mall? Tired of seeing the same Vidia's Secret store a dozen times? Alas, there is one last trial. It comes in the form of obnoxious carols being crooned in your direction by a beautiful ice queen. She's beckoning you to her with a siren song in the form of merry Christmas music, luring you in little by little and making you walk towards her while she tries to enchant you. She'll lean in close and whisper the rest of the song in your ear, and once you're in her trance, you'll turn on your own friends and party members to try and kill them. To avoid being drawn into her trance, you'll have to be knocked around a few times to regain your bearings. Then, it's either destroy her or be subjected to her ice magic. However, before she dies, she'll look deep into your eyes and beg you to save her and not to forget her.

She needs you.

Once you defeat her, Santa Bot will appear to dance a merry jig in your honor and shower you with credits. Hooray!

BONUS

[ whyo'clock ] You can't escape Christmas without a random sprig of mistletoe floating around your head and following you around. For those who try to escape, the mistletoe bot will only move all the quicker. Those caught under its insistent floating will be compelled to kiss a neighbor or two or ten. Or even kiss the minotaur. What we're saying is you should probably run.

[ Remember to apply proper warnings on threads with trigger-y or inappropriate material and do let a mod know if your thread careens off into maiming or canoodling so we can lock the meme. ]

//RUN.EXE

Welcome to CEREALIA's fifth Test Drive Meme. For your convenience, we have compiled a post detailing everyone's arrival experience and a FAQ that should explain everything in more detail. Please read them thoroughly before playing. Thank you!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

{phase I}

[here is England. England cannot swim. England was not expecting cute little elves to shove him into an ice cold lake. so now he is floundering here while the critters laugh hysterically at him and taunt him. it is probably one of the most embarrassing moments of his life, at least the most recent one he can remember.

he tries to scream at them even as the water gets into his mouth and nose. but, hey, he's not exactly going to call for help. he has too much pride. no, he'll just insult the little wankers until he can no longer breathe, and flail wildly. because that's better than admitting defeat]

{phase IV}

[he'd been avoiding it as long as he could, but it was impossible to escape the Ice Queen's songs, as try as he might. now, he is facing whoever came along with him, a hefty coat rack as his weapon of attack. England's eyes currently show no recognition of his party, or even the situation he's in. right now, he is a killing machine.

as soon as the Queen commands it, he is rushing towards his partner, readying the rack for a mighty blow, maybe against someone's side, or head]

{bonus}

[can't he wander the bloody mall in peace?

he was so proud of himself too, after getting past that minotaur (a hug, really!). against all the odds, England had made it through the first part of the game, and now he was content to relax a little, maybe find some tea or a bite to eat before facing the final boss.

apparently, he hadn't moved fast enough. or perhaps he was being punished for wasting time when he had a job to do. because now he is being followed by a mistletoe. and England? he's a bit of a prude, at least in public. no, he does not want to kiss anyone, and he is trying very hard to get away from the damn thing, even going as far as running through the mall and ducking into different stores, hiding in the dressing rooms. IT ALWAYS SEEMS TO FIND HIM...]

_{[ Nothing like hearing a bunch of dirty cussing back and forth to grab Zura's attention. In fact, he hasn't heard such a colorful vocabulary in a long time... probably because his series bleeps it all out. Did that guy kiss his mother with that mouth? He isn't going to just leave somebody to drown, even with their filthy mouth.

And so, England probably hears somewhat of a battle-cry, and this long haired guy is coming out no where, beating the crap out of at least one of the elves that is a little too close to the water to make room for his rescue.

There's a hand pulling England out of the water briskly before quickly releasing him clumsily (hopefully he doesn't slip back in) and putting his focus on the elves. ]}

Don't give in to their charms!

[hey, he wouldn't have resorted cussing if the grotty little wankers hadn't called him that, and that or made references to this, that and the other thing. he'd had no choice, honestly!

England struggles a bit, not knowing if he can trust this new guy, until he's pulled out of the water. he gasps for air, shivering against the cold instantly. he's so numb, barely able to keep himself up on all fours]

Wh-what a-a-re y-y-you talking ab-bout? I w... wasn't doing anyth-thing of the sort!

_{[ even with referencing ****ing, ****ing and calling you a ****, ****head, mother of a ****ing ***** and insulting your test*cles, it doesn't give you the right to insult them just as much. Be the better man here, dude. ]}

Ah. You're in the water. Of course you did. You fell for their singing and holding of their cute little hands.
_{[ Katsura knows, for his face flushes when he says that.
........his clothing and hair appears damp too.

That's definitely him drawing his sword. The elves are insulting again, going on about ****ing your mother and sucking **** and how they're both nothing but chicken sh*ts. They're starting to spit at them. ]}

Aaah, enough! I will use this unless you direct us to Santa-sama!
_{[ wanna lend him a hand, or—? ]}

[why was this guy blushing? could it be... that the same thing happened to him? England opens his mouth to argue some more, because he wants to inform this man that he is no longer charmed by the brats, and that was important.

but then he started threatening the elves. and. yeah. England can get behind that actually.

he slowly pulls himself to his feet, grimacing at the pain he's in. he doesn't have a weapon but... they're in the woods. he can find something if he needs to]

They know where Santa is? [his lime-green eyes narrow. he's trying to be intimidating, but he's so cold. thank goodness he's not human, or he'd be a wreck. as it is now, England's suffered worse scrapes. he will manage]

_{[ Zura is in absolute shock.
Back the fuck up one moment.

He gives England a look. ]}

—Have you not read any of the stories? They are elves; of course they know where he is at.
What sort of Christmas do you even celebrate?
_{[ he wonders if he made the wrong choice in saving this guy because what the fuck everyone knows this. ]}

Ah, I see. You must not have ever been to the shopping center to sit on Santa's lap. Where there are elves, there is Santa.
_{[ implying he has.
and probably asked Santa for more members to join his anti-government organization.
that or a cat.]}

[h-hey! why is this guy looking at him like that? like he's judging him! England becomes defensive immediately]

Th-the elves I-I know don't t-t-try drowning p... people! [SO THERE]

_{[ gee, this guy is getting really cold. Time to really evacuate!
Well, if he's just going to stand there and shiver and scold Katsura, he's going to actually get something accomplished.

Calmly, he looks back at the noisy elves. ]}

I don't want to use this on you, but I won't hesitate. Please don't test me, you—
_{[ cute elves. ]}
—little fiends.
_{[ it burns him to say that. ]}

Where is your leader?
_{[ leader... ]}

[idiot! he's only judging you because you judged him! gosh! and now he's ignoring England. the nation looks like he might pop a vein, or something.

he starts to move at last, grabbing a large stick that was on the ground. the elves don't look that scared, yet. in fact, they are just continuing to hurl insults]

Do you really intend to reason with them? They tried to kill us! [he brandishes his stick like a mighty sword! ah, if only he had one with him. what a waste...]

_{[ with the most solemn tone: ]}

Sometimes the most innocent things go astray, filthy mouth-dono.
You cannot simply not give them a more peaceful way to negotiate.

_{[ that's totally an elf heading towards him to kick him in the shins or the balls or both, and his reaction is quick to bash kick him right in the head. ]}

You bastaaaaards!
_{[ so much for that idea. ]}

[...thing about this is that England is somewhat happy this guy got kicked by an elf. he deserved that. even after Zura saved his life.

so now, here he is, stick standing upright, casually leaning against it with his arms propped up on the top]

You were saying?

[SO SMUG]

_{[ ahem-mem. ]}

It's perfectly clear. There are rotten elves. Their house and family were destroyed— presumably from the Easter Bunny. They're wrath and hatred are taken out on us. Born to be cheery and cute, but with a wretched, tear jerking back story, these orphan elves have no other choice to be bitter and take it out on us.

_{[ THAT'S ONE KICKING HIS KNEE BACKWARDS.
doof. down the ground he goes. ]}

Tch.. P-Perhaps there is no way of talking with them.

Edited 2014-12-02 07:48 (UTC)

[England's smirk softens after a moment. he's still freezing, but the adrenaline's starting to kick in.

after a moment, he moves over to Zura and offers his hand to help him up]

I suppose we'll just have to make them talk. Yeah?

England || Hetalia

phase uno .......

omg.......

8)

i am dead he is perfect

LMFAOO IM GLAD....

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1.2

2.2

wheezes

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Re: England || Hetalia

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