//TESTDRIVE5.0.EXE

[reparator]

//TESTDRIVE5.0.EXE Let it Go, Let it Fucking Go Already Let's keep pretending it's not technically October in the game while Yuletide thoughts continue to spread through CERES. Inspired by recent tragic events, your friendly neighborhood programmer, Elias (serritor) has constructed a wonderful new ice world to be accessed through ViViD, the popular virtual simulator. As expected, this is a world covered in ice all over with a chill that bores into one's bones as players wander through. In the midst of it all lies a beautiful reconstruction of a mall, complete with various stores to suit your online shopping needs. However, before you can indulge in any spending, you're tasked with a mission should you choose to accept. You will have to enter the frost-covered mall which hosts a large, elaborate labyrinth and complete all the objectives as they're given to you and your party. It seems that some horrible foe has arisen from the great beyond to kidnap Santa Bot (no relation to the futurama one). Unable to deliver toys and goods to the poor, needy adults of Cerealia, it's up to YOU to save him from a variety of enemies which include: a.) Nasty, foul-mouthed elves b.) A rabid flock of reindeer c.) An ice queen who will not stop singing d.) And a fucking minotaur. Why? Why not? "Ho ho ho! And seasons greetings, players! I am Julius Vincere, the CEO of CERES, and I must apologize for a few recent temperature modifications as of late. But we were able to fix that small glitch quickly. We were only hoping to cool things down by a few degrees after we received a few complaints about overheating equipment. It seems our robots went a bit overboard with our dome, which is a safety precaution we put in place in the event of an outside threat or invasion. There's no need to fear, and we hope you enjoyed warming up with one another in the meantime. Now, that that's behind us, let's have a little fun, shall we? I think some of you are familiar with the concept back in your home worlds. I observed enough to know that it's a pretty ostentatious holiday. That's why I asked my dear programmer, Elias, to build a simulation so we can experience a little bit of Christmas together. You can say it's a dress rehearsal for the real thing. Anyway, if you all would be so kind as to sample this world and tell me how it goes. I want to see what you all think and get you all in the festive mood. Consider this my deep apology for one mistake too many. We won't allow it to happen again."

//SCENARIOS.EXE PHASE I [ 0000 ] Let the games begin! You're dropped before a giant forest with snow-covered trees, and in your path to reach the mall, there appears your first threat. They look cute and sweet -innocent little elves that smile and blush in your direction. They barely reach up to your chest and look up at you with big, glassy eyes as they promise to help you along your way. Little hands will grab yours, tugging you along. That is, until you're far enough along that you're deep in the midst of the forest where they decide to chip at a lake of frozen ice and chuck you inside. They will then criticize your clothes, call you a piece of reindeer shit, tell you your ass is too fat then call your mother a whore. Because that's just how they roll. Here's your chance to fight back, get vengeance, and force the elves to tell you where Santa is. Those who manage to beat them into submission will be pointed in the right direction to the mall. Those who don't, have fun drowning in icy water! PHASE II [ 0000 ] Once you've escaped the elves, another trial appears. This time, it's in the form of twelve savage reindeer with blood dribbling from their lips. Their eyes are all an eerie shade of red, and they're staring at you deeply as though they can see into your soul. If you hope to get into that mall, you'll have to fight them down and avoid being caught in their antlers. There will be lots of bucking. Copious buckings. Kill the reindeer and remove their antlers for a special gift! (it's a coupon for a free McCERES burger.) PHASE III [ 0000 ] Once you reach the entrance of the mall, you'll be confronted with the icy labyrinth, guarded by a minotaur. He is large and in charge and will probably try to mow you down once he sees you. None of your weapons or magic will work, though. To pacify this beast, you will have to hug him. He requires a hug with feeling. He will tell you as much when you confront him. Give him a good squeeze then let him be. Love can cure many things! PHASE IV [ 0000 ] Are you done running around this maze of a mall? Tired of seeing the same Vidia's Secret store a dozen times? Alas, there is one last trial. It comes in the form of obnoxious carols being crooned in your direction by a beautiful ice queen. She's beckoning you to her with a siren song in the form of merry Christmas music, luring you in little by little and making you walk towards her while she tries to enchant you. She'll lean in close and whisper the rest of the song in your ear, and once you're in her trance, you'll turn on your own friends and party members to try and kill them. To avoid being drawn into her trance, you'll have to be knocked around a few times to regain your bearings. Then, it's either destroy her or be subjected to her ice magic. However, before she dies, she'll look deep into your eyes and beg you to save her and not to forget her. She needs you. Once you defeat her, Santa Bot will appear to dance a merry jig in your honor and shower you with credits. Hooray! BONUS [ whyo'clock ] You can't escape Christmas without a random sprig of mistletoe floating around your head and following you around. For those who try to escape, the mistletoe bot will only move all the quicker. Those caught under its insistent floating will be compelled to kiss a neighbor or two or ten. Or even kiss the minotaur. What we're saying is you should probably run. [ Remember to apply proper warnings on threads with trigger-y or inappropriate material and do let a mod know if your thread careens off into maiming or canoodling so we can lock the meme. ]

//RUN.EXE Welcome to CEREALIA's fifth Test Drive Meme. For your convenience, we have compiled a post detailing everyone's arrival experience and a FAQ that should explain everything in more detail. Please read them thoroughly before playing. Thank you!

Comments

LMFAOO IM GLAD....

[bakudanma]

<sub>[ Zura is in absolute shock.
Back the fuck up one moment.

He gives England a look. ]</sub>

—Have you not read any of the stories? They are elves; of course they know where he is at.
What sort of Christmas do you even celebrate?
_{[ he wonders if he made the wrong choice in saving this guy because what the fuck everyone knows this. ]}

Ah, I see. You must not have ever been to the shopping center to sit on Santa's lap. Where there are elves, there is Santa.
_{[ implying he has.
and probably asked Santa for more members to join his anti-government organization.
that or a cat.]}

[unionjackoff]

[h-hey! why is this guy looking at him like that? like he's judging him! England becomes defensive immediately]

Th-the elves I-I know don't t-t-try drowning p... people! [SO THERE]

[bakudanma]

<sub>[ gee, this guy is getting really cold. Time to really evacuate!
Well, if he's just going to stand there and shiver and scold Katsura, he's going to actually get something accomplished.

Calmly, he looks back at the noisy elves. ]</sub>

I don't want to use this on you, but I won't hesitate. Please don't test me, you—
_{[ cute elves. ]}
—little fiends.
_{[ it burns him to say that. ]}

Where is your leader?
_{[ leader... ]}

[unionjackoff]

[idiot! he's only judging you because you judged him! gosh! and now he's ignoring England. the nation looks like he might pop a vein, or something.

he starts to move at last, grabbing a large stick that was on the ground. the elves don't look that scared, yet. in fact, they are just continuing to hurl insults]

Do you really intend to reason with them? They tried to kill us! [he brandishes his stick like a mighty sword! ah, if only he had one with him. what a waste...]

1.2

[bakudanma]

_{[ with the most solemn tone: ]}

Sometimes the most innocent things go astray, filthy mouth-dono.
You cannot simply not give them a more peaceful way to negotiate.

2.2

[bakudanma]

_{[ that's totally an elf heading towards him to kick him in the shins or the balls or both, and his reaction is quick to bash kick him right in the head. ]}

You bastaaaaards!
_{[ so much for that idea. ]}

wheezes

[unionjackoff]

[...thing about this is that England is somewhat happy this guy got kicked by an elf. he deserved that. even after Zura saved his life.

so now, here he is, stick standing upright, casually leaning against it with his arms propped up on the top]

You were saying?

[SO SMUG]

[bakudanma]

_{[ ahem-mem. ]}

It's perfectly clear. There are rotten elves. Their house and family were destroyed— presumably from the Easter Bunny. They're wrath and hatred are taken out on us. Born to be cheery and cute, but with a wretched, tear jerking back story, these orphan elves have no other choice to be bitter and take it out on us.

_{[ THAT'S ONE KICKING HIS KNEE BACKWARDS.
doof. down the ground he goes. ]}

Tch.. P-Perhaps there is no way of talking with them.

[unionjackoff]

[England's smirk softens after a moment. he's still freezing, but the adrenaline's starting to kick in.

after a moment, he moves over to Zura and offers his hand to help him up]

I suppose we'll just have to make them talk. Yeah?

[bakudanma]

_{[ He'll take the hand! What a nice, foul mouthed Westerner.
Katsura pulls the rest of himself up, but draws his fists.
He still doesn't want to be too violent with these guys for whatever reason. ]}

I suppose that's the only choice we have now that their past is revealed.
<sub>[ by revealed, he means made up. By him.
But there's no explanation. He says this without joking.

And so, he charges, and begins to beat the crap out of them.
It's sort of impressive, really. ]</sub>

[unionjackoff]

[hey man. he's a gentleman. come on.

England quirks a fluffy brow at the mention of the elves' "past." yeah, whatever. not like he needs a reason to beat up someone who humiliated him. if the little guys showed any sense of remorse, he might be inclined to forgive them. but, right now, that's not a possibility.

so once the long-haired guy starts wailing on them, he whistles appreciatively. that was some nice work, quick and clean! England, himself, gets a tighter grip on his makeshift weapon and then hurls himself at a couple of elves that were about to sneak up on his accomplice.

he actually sends one flying through the air, like a golf ball, and into the lake. he finds this perfectly acceptable, because they did it to him, and to this Asian man, and could do the same thing to someone else. gotta take care of the problem so it doesn't happen again, right?]

[bakudanma]

<sub>[ Through gore and blood and heartache as Zura pounds into these elves adoring faces, he cries to be strong, though his gut is twisting. It pains him to hurt something that appears so jolly.

It does not take too long until all of them are down, and they all point the direction of a pathway that they should take.

Katsura exhales slowly. ]</sub>

Little elflings, please do not tell Santa-sama of this.

Ah, let us go then.

[unionjackoff]

[how they managed to keep such jolly expressions even when getting the crap beaten out of them is... mildly disturbing. once they yield the information, there's no longer a need to beat them up. they were just jerks, not formidable opponents.

but England is still satisfied]

If these elves are really affiliated with the Santa here, I'm not so sure he's worth rescuing.

[bakudanma]

Don't be ridiculous. Any Santa is worth saving.
It is our goal here. Do not lose focus of our goal.

<sub>[ He allows himself to breathe a little more before beginning to walk in the direction he was told go to.
The guy is dressed in old style, Japanese clothing. He was even wearing sandals with tabi socks in the weather climate like this, a full length kimono and a light haori worn over it.

England might recognize this clothing back when Westerners were first trying to establish trading with Japan. ]</sub>

Tread carefully, big brow-dono, _{[ that's ur name now.... ]} should there be any others afoot.

_{[ Zura says, keeping his hands in his sleeves as he looks over his shoulder at Arthur. Coming or not? ]}

[unionjackoff]

[Zura's outfit is definitely similar to one he's seen before. Japan used to dress that way a lot, as did his people, but he doesn't see the need to comment on it now. he only wishes they were given warmer clothes before being put into this game]

Oh... Yes. The goal.

[then he sighs and moves to catch up with the man so that they can continue their quest. together, apparently? at least that's better than going alone, he thinks with a nod of determination]

[bakudanma]

_{[ Katsura picks up the pace once England has caught up to him, trying to hide the fact that his teeth are chattering together now that his adrenaline has settled down and any perspiration is catching the air now. ]}

You should be more concerned for Santa-sama.

Oh, wait, I know. Did you only receive coal every year? Is it how you insult people? Is it because you talk about ****ing their mother, or how they're pieces of dog****?

_{[ he heard all those nasty things you said. ]}

[unionjackoff]

[what a strange sound he just heard. it sounded like... the words Zura said were being censored. but that didn't happen in real life.

England's eyes dart back and forth for the source of the noise. it's probably not that important]

Of course not! I just have priorities that don't involve being trapped inside a virtual reality game. [huff]

[bakudanma]

What sort of priorities?

_{[ now you've gotten him curious.
Katsura has his own priorities, sure. He could agree with this. ]}

[unionjackoff]

Getting a dry set of clothes would be the first priority.

[he's also insulted that someone he just met would judge him based on what he said to foul-mouthed elves who wanted to kill him. at the same time, the guy did rescue him, so England feels like he can't be that bad of a person. just someone who has very little tact.

after a beat, he adds]

But, rather, I'd not be here at all. I'm not very good at video games. Particularly ones that delight in making a mockery out of the true spirit of Christmas.

[bakudanma]

You are a festive person, bushy-dono?
_{[ you'll keep getting these nicknames until he learns your real one. ]}

Ah, I'm sorry. I'd offer a Nin***do cartridge to take back any offense I may have caused, but with your loathing of video games, it would probably offend you even more.

We are also here to help restore our world, even if it is imperfect.
_{[ He especially thinks his world is imperfect and used to want it be destroyed, but now he is striving to protect it. ]}

[unionjackoff]

[those nicknames are grating on her nerves. he doesn't like it when people give him weird nicknames, especially ones related to his brows. so his jaw tightens just a bit at that, but the fire is put out before it can even start with the rest of Zura's words]

Yes, that. Exactly! I'd rather be working on that instead of playing around in here, catching my death of cold. I like Christmas and Santa Claus as much as the next person, but this... This isn't even real. It feels like a waste of precious time.

[bakudanma]

As long as you are learning something, time is never wasted.

As long as you are getting stronger somehow, time is only gaining its value.

[unionjackoff]

Do you really think we're learning something by playing this stupid game? [side-eye!]

[bakudanma]

I've learned not to trust things that look the most innocent here.







I've also learned that even the most filthy mouthed people here can have warm souls.

[unionjackoff]

[there he goes, with those back-handed compliments again! England somewhat bows his head, annoyed and humbled at the same time]

Touché.