//TESTDRIVE5.0.EXE

[reparator]

//TESTDRIVE5.0.EXE Let it Go, Let it Fucking Go Already Let's keep pretending it's not technically October in the game while Yuletide thoughts continue to spread through CERES. Inspired by recent tragic events, your friendly neighborhood programmer, Elias (serritor) has constructed a wonderful new ice world to be accessed through ViViD, the popular virtual simulator. As expected, this is a world covered in ice all over with a chill that bores into one's bones as players wander through. In the midst of it all lies a beautiful reconstruction of a mall, complete with various stores to suit your online shopping needs. However, before you can indulge in any spending, you're tasked with a mission should you choose to accept. You will have to enter the frost-covered mall which hosts a large, elaborate labyrinth and complete all the objectives as they're given to you and your party. It seems that some horrible foe has arisen from the great beyond to kidnap Santa Bot (no relation to the futurama one). Unable to deliver toys and goods to the poor, needy adults of Cerealia, it's up to YOU to save him from a variety of enemies which include: a.) Nasty, foul-mouthed elves b.) A rabid flock of reindeer c.) An ice queen who will not stop singing d.) And a fucking minotaur. Why? Why not? "Ho ho ho! And seasons greetings, players! I am Julius Vincere, the CEO of CERES, and I must apologize for a few recent temperature modifications as of late. But we were able to fix that small glitch quickly. We were only hoping to cool things down by a few degrees after we received a few complaints about overheating equipment. It seems our robots went a bit overboard with our dome, which is a safety precaution we put in place in the event of an outside threat or invasion. There's no need to fear, and we hope you enjoyed warming up with one another in the meantime. Now, that that's behind us, let's have a little fun, shall we? I think some of you are familiar with the concept back in your home worlds. I observed enough to know that it's a pretty ostentatious holiday. That's why I asked my dear programmer, Elias, to build a simulation so we can experience a little bit of Christmas together. You can say it's a dress rehearsal for the real thing. Anyway, if you all would be so kind as to sample this world and tell me how it goes. I want to see what you all think and get you all in the festive mood. Consider this my deep apology for one mistake too many. We won't allow it to happen again."

//SCENARIOS.EXE PHASE I [ 0000 ] Let the games begin! You're dropped before a giant forest with snow-covered trees, and in your path to reach the mall, there appears your first threat. They look cute and sweet -innocent little elves that smile and blush in your direction. They barely reach up to your chest and look up at you with big, glassy eyes as they promise to help you along your way. Little hands will grab yours, tugging you along. That is, until you're far enough along that you're deep in the midst of the forest where they decide to chip at a lake of frozen ice and chuck you inside. They will then criticize your clothes, call you a piece of reindeer shit, tell you your ass is too fat then call your mother a whore. Because that's just how they roll. Here's your chance to fight back, get vengeance, and force the elves to tell you where Santa is. Those who manage to beat them into submission will be pointed in the right direction to the mall. Those who don't, have fun drowning in icy water! PHASE II [ 0000 ] Once you've escaped the elves, another trial appears. This time, it's in the form of twelve savage reindeer with blood dribbling from their lips. Their eyes are all an eerie shade of red, and they're staring at you deeply as though they can see into your soul. If you hope to get into that mall, you'll have to fight them down and avoid being caught in their antlers. There will be lots of bucking. Copious buckings. Kill the reindeer and remove their antlers for a special gift! (it's a coupon for a free McCERES burger.) PHASE III [ 0000 ] Once you reach the entrance of the mall, you'll be confronted with the icy labyrinth, guarded by a minotaur. He is large and in charge and will probably try to mow you down once he sees you. None of your weapons or magic will work, though. To pacify this beast, you will have to hug him. He requires a hug with feeling. He will tell you as much when you confront him. Give him a good squeeze then let him be. Love can cure many things! PHASE IV [ 0000 ] Are you done running around this maze of a mall? Tired of seeing the same Vidia's Secret store a dozen times? Alas, there is one last trial. It comes in the form of obnoxious carols being crooned in your direction by a beautiful ice queen. She's beckoning you to her with a siren song in the form of merry Christmas music, luring you in little by little and making you walk towards her while she tries to enchant you. She'll lean in close and whisper the rest of the song in your ear, and once you're in her trance, you'll turn on your own friends and party members to try and kill them. To avoid being drawn into her trance, you'll have to be knocked around a few times to regain your bearings. Then, it's either destroy her or be subjected to her ice magic. However, before she dies, she'll look deep into your eyes and beg you to save her and not to forget her. She needs you. Once you defeat her, Santa Bot will appear to dance a merry jig in your honor and shower you with credits. Hooray! BONUS [ whyo'clock ] You can't escape Christmas without a random sprig of mistletoe floating around your head and following you around. For those who try to escape, the mistletoe bot will only move all the quicker. Those caught under its insistent floating will be compelled to kiss a neighbor or two or ten. Or even kiss the minotaur. What we're saying is you should probably run. [ Remember to apply proper warnings on threads with trigger-y or inappropriate material and do let a mod know if your thread careens off into maiming or canoodling so we can lock the meme. ]

//RUN.EXE Welcome to CEREALIA's fifth Test Drive Meme. For your convenience, we have compiled a post detailing everyone's arrival experience and a FAQ that should explain everything in more detail. Please read them thoroughly before playing. Thank you!

Comments

[unionjackoff]

[uhhh]

W-well, they're not usually a problem in my world. Do you deal with aliens on a regular basis?

[bakudanma]

_{[ deal is one way of putting it. ]}

—As a poor vagabond seeking refuge in a house infested with disgusting cockroaches who decided to claim it is their own.

Yes, I do deal with them.

[unionjackoff]

[kind of staring at that... he doesn't want to be rude, but he wishes the strange man would expand upon this story]

Ah ha... I see. Well, I suppose I'll ask you for advice if I run into any, yeah?

1.2

[bakudanma]

_{[ It's a sensitive subject; especially for a samurai who has worked hard with others and seen many killed in the process.
He could go into how easily his country gave in out of fear and how it sickens him, but that's another tangent for another day. ]}

I suggest you educate yourself on the enemy.

2.2

[bakudanma]

—But I'll protect you from any until then.
_{[ well would you look at that. A companion that isn't imaginary for England. ]}

[unionjackoff]

I-I don't need to be protected! [blushing from embarrassment aaaaa] I just meant... If I had any questions, I'll come to you! That's all!

[and he has friends that aren't imaginary...! a couple...]

[bakudanma]

Do you own a sword?

[unionjackoff]

[relaxes slightly]

Yes. Well... I have quite a few back at home. I didn't get a chance to bring any with me. Though If I had one, I'd know how to use it.

[bakudanma]

Do you own a heart of gold and soul made out of silver?

[unionjackoff]

I... [a beat] What?

[bakudanma]

_{[ ... ]}

Do you own any cats or other cuddly little balls?

[unionjackoff]

[what does that even have to do with swords]

O-Oh. I... I have a cat, yes. And... um. Some other creatures.

[bakudanma]

Wonderful.
I shouldn't have to worry too much for you then.

_{[ tbh it has nothing to do with anything he just likes cute animals. ]}

[unionjackoff]

[he's... not quite sure how to respond to that. it was like he changed topics mid-way through the conversation]

...Right. Well. Anyway. Since it appears we will be working together, my name is Arthur Kirkland.

[bakudanma]

_{[ FINALLY A NAME. ]}

—Ah, very good. I am Katsura.
_{[ oh, a little bow. how quaint ]}

What sort of skills do you possess? Are you one who is a heavy burdened warrior?
Do you have +10 attacks against ogres?

Your experience points— are you soon going to gain a level and possibly evolve?
Or maybe your power levels are over 9000.

Your close combat— are you a Gomu Gomu No Mi type of fighter?
_{[ somehow he manages to make too many references in this entire run on sentence. ]}

[unionjackoff]

[England is about to respond to the bow when he is bombarded with questions. questions that sound like jibber-jabber. he vaguely gets the leveling up part, if only because he's spent quite a bit of time with America and Japan, who are both in love with gaming. but everything else...]

I, uh... Er... [how does he answer?]

[bakudanma]

Ah-hah, stunned, I see.
I see now possess enough wit for us both. We should be fine.

_{[ gee, this mall sure does seem like a long way away. ]}

[unionjackoff]

[as long as they're not running into anymore mean elves, England is happy. well, not entirely happy because he has to be here in the first place. but happier now that he doesn't have to beat up little pricks that threw him into a lake]

I-if you say so... [he really didn't get the chance to defend himself, did he? at least he's not facing this stupid journey alone. sometimes it's better just to go with the flow, especially when someone is asking questions you can't answer]

[bakudanma]

<sub>[ There is a silence as they walk along the snow— Zura keeping his hands warmly in his sleeves. England may notice the way he walks so light on his feet and how he keeps a level posture.

His expression is fixed and focused forward, the long locks of his black hair, now looking less wet, falling over his shoulders.

..then out of nowhere: ]</sub>

Tell me of your creatures. Are they here with you?

[unionjackoff]

[he is a bit startled by the sudden question. for the most part, he'd been enjoying the quiet walk all the while thinking about this game and his life choices and wondering how on earth he'd be able to bring back his home.

and this guy... Katsura. he's quite an intriguing character. he says the strangest things, and insults people while complimenting them! but England doesn't believe him to be a bad guy. just annoying at times. then again, he's dealt with many annoying people in his life, so England feels he can put up with him]

Oh. No, unfortunately. I... I fear they were all lost when my planet was attacked. [his shoulders slump when he thinks about it] They were good friends of mine.

[bakudanma]

Lost?

_{[ OH NOOO he feels bad. ]}

As long as we have a plan to recover things, nothing is permanently lost, Kirkland-dono.

Reflect on their goodness in the mean time.
_{[ he's also worried about several of his friends and the few things important to him. ]}

[unionjackoff]

[thank goodness he's not calling him eyebrow-dono or something like that small miracles]

You're absolutely right. I will bring them all back, eventually.

[oh, hey. is that the mall up in the distance?]

[bakudanma]

A-and Elizabeth. We will being him back too.
_{[ what... was he suddenly crying.
it might be the mall up ahead. He really can't tell cause his eyes are so misty. ]}