//TESTDRIVE15.EXE

[reparator]

//testdrive15.EXE

The clock strikes twelve. The gong of the grandfather clock in the foyer tolls out the time in slightly unnecessarily obnoxious loud noises. The ambiance of this old mansion demands respect, care, awe -- Okay, no, wait, why are you even in this stupid dusty house? No reasons are forthcoming, because everyone knows that people just end up in places like this sometimes. That's just how the narrative device works. The hows and the whys don't matter -- all that matters is that you're all here, so you'd better get cracking and start exploring, because it's not like you can leave yet. Or ever, maybe. Good day, sirs and madams. Might I interest you in a nice glass of blood...y mary?

//SCENARIOS.EXE

PHASE I [ 0215 ] All you see is white. The crash of thunder hits your ears next, punctuated by the piercing pitch of white noise in the background. After a few blinks, your vision comes back to you. Oh good, glad that you’ve joined us in the land of the living. Unlike the nondescript corpse at your feet – it looks like… a butler? Oh dear. You’ve already killed Murder Suspect Number One in most situations. How terribly ironic. After all, who could’ve killed him but you? You might not remember, but there is definitely a murder weapon in your hand. It’s probably a knife or a poisoned glass of wine or- Wait, is that a toaster? A full on toaster? Or maybe it’s a taser. Maybe you bludgeoned this poor guy with an entire encyclopedia. Either way, it looks like your murder weapon is a little unconventional, whether it’s a stranger’s pair of underwear or a hair curler. Are you really supposed to believe you committed a murder with these? (Yes.) That said in the next second the double doors will be opening up. It’s pretty clear you’re not alone. Think quick! PHASE II [ 0600 ] Exploring more around the compound, you’ll find plenty of those tall, oil portraits of people hung around the walls. When you start walking, they’re all strangers. However by the time that you feel like you’re wandering around for an hour, two hours, they might start looking a little bit more… familiar? Mom? Is that you? You don’t have time to think about that, though. You were clearly framed! You don't’ have a motive for killing some random NPC – “Or do you?” a portrait will ask. Oh. Holy shit. Well it’d just be rude to leave, right? Whether you stick around for conversation or not, you’ll find that was just the beginning. The portraits are going to start grilling you. Welcome to CERES Central’s Roast of You. What was your motive? Don’t you know you should respect the servants? How would you feel if you were caught like that? Careful turning your back on them though, because if you ignore them for too long, the subjects in the portraits may just reach out and snatch you to join them in their portrait world. At that point, the only way to get out is to swap places with some other poor, unsuspecting soul wandering around. PHASE III [ 1045 ] You know what makes me hungry? Murder. What’s the point of making a mansion this big anyway? Who’s even here? Either way, whether you’re looking for the kitchen to make a fine post-homicide sandwich or just trying to escape, you’ll eventually make it to a stairwell. The most finicky stairwell ever. Is that a trail of bloody footprints leading up the steps? What? No. Stop it, just climb. Or well – don’t climb too quickly now. The staircases apparently have a mind of their own, swapping from one doorway to another. You definitely haven’t seen this before. It would seem that these stairs might even be interested in keeping you in a circle forever, no concern for whether or not you’re hungry or, god forbid, need to use the restroom. However the portraits in the stairwell will provide a little tip: “The stairs are gossips, you know. Why don’t you tell us a little something about yourself? Make it good!” Weirdly enough, sound advice – that is, if you’re interested in shouting out your most embarrassing secrets into the void so a mansion can keep talking shit about you. Oh well. Your alternative is just being a stair golem. There are worse fates. PHASE IV [ 1430 ] This hall is oddly quiet. Well, until you hear it – the soft sniffles coming from down the hall, the broken sobs. It sounds like someone’s crying. For one reason or another, your footsteps take you forward – there’s really no point in going back now after all, right? Yet as you continue to walk… walk… walk… the crying becomes louder and louder. More desperate, more despaired. In time, it’s clear that this person is wailing, screaming, “How could this happen?!” Within the span of a breath, all the lights in the hallway go out, leaving you in pitch black. It occurs to you then that you hear a second set of steps. When did you stop walking? A cold chill runs down your spine and you find yourself running then, despite the fact that it feels like this pitch black hallway goes on forever. The other footsteps pick up, remind you that you’re not alone. No, certainly not. Best hope that you find some assistance soon – otherwise it looks like the Butler Association is going to ignite some righteous vigilante justice on your ass. BONUS [ why o'clock ] You’re in the grand ballroom now, ready to present your case. Armed with a cob pipe (don’t smoke inside, it’s rude), a detective hat, and a single spotlight aimed right at you, you now have to explain how you came to the conclusion about the True Killer that is Obviously Not You. Rather, it’ll just be the character of whoever tags into this prompt – yes, you are suddenly so very sure that they’re the ones who are the ultimate mastermind of this entire game and… you’re just going to have to bullshit the reason why even if you know virtually nothing about them. It’s a dog eat dog world out there, you know? Sorry about that. Should you actually provide enough of a compelling case or they take pity on you, having a villainous breakdown for the sake of the plot, you’ll be awarded with a coupon that’ll give you three free scoops at your local ice cream parlor! (Note: you must buy the first two scoops in order to qualify.) Of course, if you’re not able to nail them down as the killer, you are obviously the killer yourself (citation needed). From there, you’ll be dragged off to face your punishment: for six grueling hours you will be tickled mercilessly. [ Remember to apply proper warnings on threads with sensitive or inappropriate material and do let a mod know if your thread careens off into maiming or canoodling so we can lock the log. ]

//RUN.EXE

Welcome to Cerealia's fifteenth Test Drive Meme. For your convenience, we have compiled a post detailing everyone's arrival experience and a FAQ that should explain everything in more detail. Please read them thoroughly before playing. Thank you!

Comments

count d | petshop of horrors

[pruning]

PHASE I

[—Ah. There are few places more uncomfortable to find oneself besides standing over a dead body, and yet here he is. As D looks down at the dead man- a butler?- he can only think the man must have deserved it. Whatever he'd done...

He looks up when the door opens, and abruptly he looks startled and definitely not like he wants to be here much longer.]

Goodness— hello. [NOT the best start...] This man is...

[Dead?? What is he holding— it's a... it's a snail? Why is he holding a snail????] As you can see, my companion and I have just arrived and found such a terrible thing...

[????]

PHASE III

[The stairs want gossip, and frankly, there is no way they're getting gossip out of him. He's already taken a seat only a few steps below the top of this particular staircase, where he's just sitting there watching other people try to climb and not helping at all...]

The falcon does not struggle when he is caught. [is that a fucking proverb? yes] How many times do you intend to run up these steps?

iii he thinks he's cool lord help me

[dtective]

I don't know what kinda birds you've been catching, Count, but everything struggles when it's caught.

[People included, hello. His hand grips the bar of the stairway as he glares back down at D.] Do you expect me to just sit here and wait? I'm going to find us a way out of here!

i'm embarrassed

[pruning]

[Uh, not falcons, was Leon even listening to the useless proverb?? He's going to sit here and wait, so obviously struggling is futile.]

I suppose there is always jumping over the side.

how do you think I feel

[dtective]

[He pauses and takes a few steps back down the stairway he's stuck on, gripping the railing as he peers over. Gossip... He's not about to give gossip to a weird hallucination staircase.

Things he'd rather take seriously? The suggestion to jump off something this high and crazy. He's looking for a possible landing that he could reach if he jumped, now.]

You might be onto something.

you earned it

[pruning]

[Okay, wait, is D going to have to get up and stop him from jumping over the side...]

I am not onto something. Keep your feet on the stairs, you buffoon.

I am being treated so rudely... for no reason...!!!

[dtective]

[He might. He half lifts a leg before he puts it back down and glares over.] You got any better ideas?

[He doesn't pull away from the edge just yet. Still considering it!] Unless you're saying I should give these stairs a good dose of gossip.

[Gossip about D of course, not himself.]

so you say!!

[pruning]

[Come down from there...]

Tall tales won't do either of us any good. [You can't tell the stairs he's a horrible criminal, see, because it's plainly not true. But look, he's getting up to reach for Leon's arm and stop him from doing this stupid, stupid thing. Ugh.]

Would you please take a deep breath and use your head for one minute?

i

[spes_phthisica]

[You know what, being dumped in full uniform - way too big for his emaciated body now - into ViViD all of a sudden definitely seems like Ceres is playing silly buggers with him... but what else is new? And this is... some kind of decrepit, western-style building, apparently? Makes as much sense as anything else, really, and at least he hasn't been dunked in water yet. The dust is hell on his lungs, though.

Opening a door in search of whatever it is he's supposed to find, he encounters a the strange man - looks Chinese, even Souji can tell that much - and his snail. Tilting his head curiously at them, he lowers the sword he's holding and smiles brightly.]

Well, that does happen a lot around here. You didn't kill him, then?

[pruning]

[Ah - confronted by a man with a sword. He should be more concerned about that, but honestly, he's curious... that's certainly an out of place weapon choice for this kind of atmosphere. He eyes it with that question in mind for a moment, then fixes this very out of place man with a very innocent smile.]

Us? [He... holds up the snail.] Do we look capable of something like that? Unless my friend here committed a grisly murder all on his own before I arrived just now...

[spes_phthisica]

[Souji laughs in response to the question, lifting his brittle-looking shoulders in a slight shrug.]

Not as far as I can see. But people don't usually think I look capable of much either, and I've killed a lot of people.

[BECAUSE THAT IS A NORMAL THING TO SAY. Look, in his time it's not weird at all - at least not for a warrior. Not his fault 19th century Japan does not quite match up with modern standards. Not that he's too aware of that, judging by his sanguine smile.]

Anyway, in this place it's sometimes necessary. [He giggles, the sound drawing an unpleasant rattling noise from his lungs.] It looks like a very nice snail, though, so I'm not sure if your friend is the culprit either.

[pruning]

[Killed a lot of people..... no, that seems fine. He's in a uniform and carrying a sword, that's fine. D blinks, surprised at least by how frank that admission is, but if he's at all uncomfortable about it, it doesn't show.

(He is not particularly uncomfortable about it.)]

You sound unwell. [The whole obviously-sick thing is... well, obvious. Hmm.] Shall we perhaps discuss my lovely friend's innocence somewhere more comfortable? You can explain to me the necessity of murdering our... fellow man.

[spes_phthisica]

Oh, this? [Another little shrug, and a nastily scraping sigh.] I'm just a bit sick. [Just a bit of tuberculosis. It's cool.] It's not catching, though, or getting any worse.

[He shifts a bit, attempting a disarming smile, but honestly... well, he's feeling a bit faint after struggling for breath in this dusty place for a while now. What's the point of resisting, really? He might as well gather strength before attempting to actually get out of this strange new game.]

But, ah... I suppose I've been on my feet a bit too long. If my friends find me like this, they're going to fuss. [It's easier to say it like that, easier to accept it on those terms. He looks over his shoulder into the room he just came from.] There's something like a small sofa back there? That's probably as good as it gets, before we can manage to get out of the game.

[pruning]

[Eugh... that honestly sounds terrible, but he isn't a doctor, and what would he do about it, anyway? Leaving the dusty room is good enough. He shuffles around the, er, body to head for the door.]

Then we must find this sofa as quickly as possible!

[Time to Go, no more staring at bodies! It's someone else's problem now.]

phase i!!

[baize]

[ hakutaku glances from d to the snail to the body. his eyes narrow, and he shuts the door again.

...... ah.

a few seconds later, though, it flies open once more, revealing hakutaku again. he glances at d, then at the snail, then drops his gaze to the body once more, expression falling. ]

It's still there.. [ were you expecting it to disappear??? ] Well, that's beyond even good Chinese medicine. [ there's probably something more than a little weird about this odd doctor. someone like d can probably even sense the celestial beast beneath the human shape. he doesn't seem inclined toward mentioning it, though. in all honesty, he's still kind of shocked to have been dragged away from home like this. (it isn't even hoozuki's fault this time, as much as he'd like to instinctively blame the demon.)

he steps forward, nudging the body with a foot uncertainly, before glancing up at d with a slightly confused smile. ] Maybe we should leave. This seems like the setup to a slasher film.

1/2.... i'm embarrassed

[pruning]

[Wow, commit to opening the door or not— ah, his visitor is choosing to stay, how nice of him. D looks at him more carefully when he opens the door a second time, and oh... To think he would find such a marvelous creature in a place like this...

Forget this whole house and murder business, come home with him and stay forever.]

[pruning]

[—Okay, but more seriously and without the staring he's been doing the whole time Hakutaku has been coming closer and talking to him, uh. Hmm. What did he say??]

Then the hallway is clear? It would be terribly inconvenient to walk into a gaggle of prowling junior investigators.

[He doesn't watch that much TV but he's seen kitschy murder mysteries!! The amateur detectives are out and about, he can feel it.]

we should both be embarrassed

[baize]

[ excuse you sir, at least buy him a drink first... ]

Eh?? [ he glances back the way he came, a little uncertain for a second there. had there been anyone else in the hall..? he'd been so shocked by the body that he hadn't really noticed.

wait. ] I don't think it matters? [ you don't sound so sure, hakutaku. ] I mean, unless you're actually suspicious. [ are you suspicious, d?? ] We should probably be more worried about masked men with chainsaws. [ you're in the wrong genre now, man. ]

you may have a point

[pruning]

[Buys him... two drinks!!]

To a paranoid person, anyone besides himself is suspicious. Murder does not put people at ease. [He wags a finger, like, please understand this very basic thing. Being a beautiful celestial creature doesn't excuse this!!

Still, he... just steps over the body to make for the door.]

...Surely we would hear a chainsaw...?

[baize]

[ FUCKING SOLD. where do you want him to artistically drape himself???

..... well. he probably has a point. and it sure would look bad for the hakutaku to get caught up in some kind of murder investigation, hmm..

he hurries to keep up, wondering vaguely if he might have already gotten himself into some sort of trouble. on one hand, this guy is a stranger. a strange stranger. what if he is a murderer, adorable snail or no? --on the other hand, hakutaku is hakutaku, and it's generally lucky to hang around him, so surely it'll work out. right? ]

Not if he's sneaking up on us first! Then-- brrrm! [ he makes a motion like he's starting a chainsaw. ] Be ready to run, probably. [ he plants his hands on his hips, huffing and ruffling up his bangs. ] I've spent some time on Earth, you know, but this is new for me.

[pruning]

[Everywhere??? Whatever room D happens to be in at any given time, make it work.

He's... not going to run... hopefully they're not ambushed by a chainsaw murderer, or it will end badly. Presently, he's more worried about stressing out his snail. It's a delicate little thing and it needs a comforting environment, which this house is not!]

I have good hearing, so I will be alert for us. [will he... stay tuned.] Why don't you tell me about your time on Earth, while we make our daring escape?

[This is good just-met-you conversation, isn't it??]

3

[sayonaradumbass]

That's cause the falcon is dumb and knows its fried chicken if a snake catches it or-- whatever.

[he's not gonna argue with philosophy, okay. his jogging slows down, though]

[pruning]

[...To be fair, he wasn't expecting an answer?? So that does get him to blink in surprise.]

Snakes... do not eat falcons. It's occasionally the other way around.

[sayonaradumbass]

Why the fuck not? You're tellin' me the anaconda couldn't eat one?

[this isn't helpful]

[pruning]

It could, yes. But the diet of the anaconda isn't... [A beat.] It was a proverb. A saying. Not to be taken literally.

[He has plenty of BIRD FACTS!! but how interesting can they be, really.]

[sayonaradumbass]

From where, America? That's stupid as fuck. So it's gotta be American.

[he refuses to look stupid thank u]