The clock strikes twelve. The gong of the grandfather clock in the foyer tolls out the time in slightly unnecessarily obnoxious loud noises. The ambiance of this old mansion demands respect, care, awe --
Okay, no, wait, why are you even in this stupid dusty house?
No reasons are forthcoming, because everyone knows that people just end up in places like this sometimes. That's just how the narrative device works. The hows and the whys don't matter -- all that matters is that you're all here, so you'd better get cracking and start exploring, because it's not like you can leave yet.
Or ever, maybe.
 Good day, sirs and madams. Might I interest you in a nice glass of blood...y mary?
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PHASE I [ 02 15 ] All you see is white. The crash of thunder hits your ears next, punctuated by the piercing pitch of white noise in the background. After a few blinks, your vision comes back to you. Oh good, glad that you’ve joined us in the land of the living. Unlike the nondescript corpse at your feet – it looks like… a butler? Oh dear. You’ve already killed Murder Suspect Number One in most situations. How terribly ironic.
After all, who could’ve killed him but you? You might not remember, but there is definitely a murder weapon in your hand. It’s probably a knife or a poisoned glass of wine or-
Wait, is that a toaster? A full on toaster? Or maybe it’s a taser. Maybe you bludgeoned this poor guy with an entire encyclopedia. Either way, it looks like your murder weapon is a little unconventional, whether it’s a stranger’s pair of underwear or a hair curler. Are you really supposed to believe you committed a murder with these? (Yes.)
That said in the next second the double doors will be opening up. It’s pretty clear you’re not alone. Think quick!
PHASE II [ 0600 ] Exploring more around the compound, you’ll find plenty of those tall, oil portraits of people hung around the walls. When you start walking, they’re all strangers. However by the time that you feel like you’re wandering around for an hour, two hours, they might start looking a little bit more… familiar? Mom? Is that you?
You don’t have time to think about that, though. You were clearly framed! You don't’ have a motive for killing some random NPC –
“Or do you?” a portrait will ask.
Oh. Holy shit. Well it’d just be rude to leave, right? Whether you stick around for conversation or not, you’ll find that was just the beginning. The portraits are going to start grilling you. Welcome to CERES Central’s Roast of You. What was your motive? Don’t you know you should respect the servants? How would you feel if you were caught like that? Careful turning your back on them though, because if you ignore them for too long, the subjects in the portraits may just reach out and snatch you to join them in their portrait world.
At that point, the only way to get out is to swap places with some other poor, unsuspecting soul wandering around.
PHASE III [ 1045 ] You know what makes me hungry? Murder.
What’s the point of making a mansion this big anyway? Who’s even here? Either way, whether you’re looking for the kitchen to make a fine post-homicide sandwich or just trying to escape, you’ll eventually make it to a stairwell. The most finicky stairwell ever. Is that a trail of bloody footprints leading up the steps? What? No. Stop it, just climb.
Or well – don’t climb too quickly now. The staircases apparently have a mind of their own, swapping from one doorway to another. You definitely haven’t seen this before. It would seem that these stairs might even be interested in keeping you in a circle forever, no concern for whether or not you’re hungry or, god forbid, need to use the restroom.
However the portraits in the stairwell will provide a little tip: “The stairs are gossips, you know. Why don’t you tell us a little something about yourself? Make it good!”
Weirdly enough, sound advice – that is, if you’re interested in shouting out your most embarrassing secrets into the void so a mansion can keep talking shit about you. Oh well. Your alternative is just being a stair golem. There are worse fates.
PHASE IV [ 1430 ] This hall is oddly quiet.
Well, until you hear it – the soft sniffles coming from down the hall, the broken sobs. It sounds like someone’s crying. For one reason or another, your footsteps take you forward – there’s really no point in going back now after all, right? Yet as you continue to walk… walk… walk… the crying becomes louder and louder. More desperate, more despaired. In time, it’s clear that this person is wailing, screaming, “How could this happen?!”
Within the span of a breath, all the lights in the hallway go out, leaving you in pitch black.
It occurs to you then that you hear a second set of steps. When did you stop walking? A cold chill runs down your spine and you find yourself running then, despite the fact that it feels like this pitch black hallway goes on forever. The other footsteps pick up, remind you that you’re not alone. No, certainly not.
Best hope that you find some assistance soon – otherwise it looks like the Butler Association is going to ignite some righteous vigilante justice on your ass.
BONUS [ why o'clock ] You’re in the grand ballroom now, ready to present your case. Armed with a cob pipe (don’t smoke inside, it’s rude), a detective hat, and a single spotlight aimed right at you, you now have to explain how you came to the conclusion about the True Killer that is Obviously Not You. Rather, it’ll just be the character of whoever tags into this prompt – yes, you are suddenly so very sure that they’re the ones who are the ultimate mastermind of this entire game and… you’re just going to have to bullshit the reason why even if you know virtually nothing about them. It’s a dog eat dog world out there, you know?
Sorry about that.
Should you actually provide enough of a compelling case or they take pity on you, having a villainous breakdown for the sake of the plot, you’ll be awarded with a coupon that’ll give you three free scoops at your local ice cream parlor! (Note: you must buy the first two scoops in order to qualify.) Of course, if you’re not able to nail them down as the killer, you are obviously the killer yourself (citation needed).
From there, you’ll be dragged off to face your punishment: for six grueling hours you will be tickled mercilessly.
[ Remember to apply proper warnings on threads with sensitive or inappropriate material and do let a mod know if your thread careens off into maiming or canoodling so we can lock the log. ] |
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no subject
Then the hallway is clear? It would be terribly inconvenient to walk into a gaggle of prowling junior investigators.
[He doesn't watch that much TV but he's seen kitschy murder mysteries!! The amateur detectives are out and about, he can feel it.]
we should both be embarrassed
Eh?? [ he glances back the way he came, a little uncertain for a second there. had there been anyone else in the hall..? he'd been so shocked by the body that he hadn't really noticed.
wait. ] I don't think it matters? [ you don't sound so sure, hakutaku. ] I mean, unless you're actually suspicious. [ are you suspicious, d?? ] We should probably be more worried about masked men with chainsaws. [ you're in the wrong genre now, man. ]
you may have a point
To a paranoid person, anyone besides himself is suspicious. Murder does not put people at ease. [He wags a finger, like, please understand this very basic thing. Being a beautiful celestial creature doesn't excuse this!!
Still, he... just steps over the body to make for the door.]
...Surely we would hear a chainsaw...?
no subject
..... well. he probably has a point. and it sure would look bad for the hakutaku to get caught up in some kind of murder investigation, hmm..
he hurries to keep up, wondering vaguely if he might have already gotten himself into some sort of trouble. on one hand, this guy is a stranger. a strange stranger. what if he is a murderer, adorable snail or no? --on the other hand, hakutaku is hakutaku, and it's generally lucky to hang around him, so surely it'll work out. right? ]
Not if he's sneaking up on us first! Then-- brrrm! [ he makes a motion like he's starting a chainsaw. ] Be ready to run, probably. [ he plants his hands on his hips, huffing and ruffling up his bangs. ] I've spent some time on Earth, you know, but this is new for me.
no subject
He's... not going to run... hopefully they're not ambushed by a chainsaw murderer, or it will end badly. Presently, he's more worried about stressing out his snail. It's a delicate little thing and it needs a comforting environment, which this house is not!]
I have good hearing, so I will be alert for us. [will he... stay tuned.] Why don't you tell me about your time on Earth, while we make our daring escape?
[This is good just-met-you conversation, isn't it??]
no subject
he starts to respond--is his hearing better than hakutaku's?--but the request brings him up short. it's probably a bad idea, if he's learned anything from horror movies, but surely he's worrying about nothing. this guy doesn't seem concerned, anyway. ]
Oh, well, I don't go as often as some, you know? I keep pretty busy. [ despite what some people might think. ] I was caught by the Yellow Emperor once. That was embarrassing. [ he toys with the coin at the end of his earring, glancing to his companion. ] Oh-- you can call me Bai Ze or Hakutaku if you like.
no subject
He's really not concerned about the whole maybe-chainsaws thing. It's a fair assumption, that there are dangerous people lurking in this place, but it's probably more likely to be a skulking villain with a knife if the state of the dead butler is anything to go by. He didn't look chainsawed to death...
More importantly: story time!! This story is terrible, and yet he's enthralled.]
Of course. [he officially got a name...... he's In] I am Count D.
[That he says with a minute bow of his head, before he focuses again on wherever the hell they're going. He doesn't... know......] It appears we've both been caught in the midst of an embarrassing situation, this time. Have you been away long?
no subject
count d, huh? he can't help the tiny hint of shade he throws the other man's way. he's still a little bit salty about rich people trying to live forever. on the other hand.. d doesn't seem like your typical wealthy asshole, and the more he does look at him, the more he doesn't actually.. seem human at all???? huh.
the shade is officially broken up by a sunny smile, almost before it even becomes noticeable. ] Nice to meet you, then. [ ... well. ] That is, considering the circumstances and all.
[ don't expect him to know where he's going. he doesn't seem concerned, though-- luck-beast and all. they'll find their way out. that's how things work when you have the bai ze. ] Away from home? No, I just got here. One minute I was dropping some medicine off, the next I'm here. .. You seem to be taking it pretty well, though.
no subject
He's a different kind of wealthy asshole, for sure... He isn't paying enough attention to catch the shade even if he'd been looking, distracted as he is by the whole... dusty old house he doesn't understand thing. Are they even going the right way? Who knows.]
It's a pleasure. [And hm, they've both been abruptly dropped in this place, so who is it who's- well, doing that? To him it's annoying, but to disrupt a celestial being like this one is just rude??]
Taking it well... You could say that. Perhaps I would simply not like to be the next person to meet the fate of that poor man in the other room.
no subject
This place is unhygienic and we might have to run from a serial killer, but you'll probably be fine as long as we stick together. I mean, that's why humans want me around, you know?
[ not necessarily because of serial killers, of course. ] How's your snail? [ is it a.. pet?? friend?? ]
no subject
I suppose so. I do feel rather at ease, at the moment. [Weird thing to say while maybe escaping a serial killer? That's fine.
He looks at the, ah. The snail. It's one of those really big snails and it's just going to town, wiggling on his hand.] This child seems to be in good spirits, as well.
no subject
at the mention of the snail's good spirits, though, he digs a little further down in one of his pockets, eventually pulling out a small dried leaf, which he then offers up to said snail. ]
It's good for you, huh? Grown in heaven, part of my own garden. Normally I'd make medicine out of it, but since I've been so rudely kidnapped..
no subject
How generous. [no stop do not get starry-eyed it's a LEAF] —Even kidnapped, you're rather prepared.
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just an example. ]
Anyway, I keep rabbits. And I'm a beast, too, so.. [ SHRUG. you know. he likes animals. even if they're also snails. ]
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I know. [It's thrilling, but he's just watching his snail check out this leaf instead of being weird about it.
...Well.] You are quite remarkable, if I do say so myself. I hardly expected to run into someone of such wondrous status in a place like this.
no subject
.. Oh. [ he clears his throat, straightening a little. ] Well. [ is he actually speechless? he's actually speechless. after a moment, he shifts the subject a little. ] You're not actually human yourself, are you? I've been around a long time and I don't think I've ever met anyone like you before.
no subject
But sure, they can talk about him!!]
No, I am not. And I don't suppose you would have met any like me—it is only my grandfather and... [father?? thing?????] one other who remain, besides myself.
no subject
he looks thoughtful at that, digging out a second leaf to set on d's palm for the snail when it finishes the first. ]
So there were more before? Huh. [ he rubs a knuckle thoughtfully over his mouth, head tilting. had he just missed them? d's people were definitely from his part of the world. had they appeared and then died off between trips to the mortal world..? that could be possible.
on the other hand, there was that powerpoint thing.. something-something other worlds? ] Must be tough sometimes. [ hakutaku's a singular existence, himself, but he doesn't spend much time thinking about it. it's like he says-- he keeps busy. between his work and all the flirting he does, the fighting with hoozuki, there's no time to feel lonely. ]
no subject
And he's real bitter?? So there's that.]
They were killed long before my lifetime. We three have done enough for ourselves, since then.
[Leaving aside how badly they screw up all the time, those things just happen.]
But it is hardly a constant misery, so please, let's focus on other important things. [SUCH AS: snail. he holds it up.] This child will thrive, thanks to you.
no subject
[ when everything around you is mad, resort to something familiar.. right?
they reach a junction in the hallways, and he glances down one, then the other. ] Have you seen any doors? What floor are we even on? It's so dark outside I can't tell.
no subject
But this split in the hall... hmm. D peers down one, frowning.]
I haven't the slightest idea... I'd only found myself in that room for a moment before you arrived. We could be on the first or the fiftieth floor, for all I know.
[Still, he doesn't want to stand here all day, so he just points down this hall.] Shall we try our luck?
[ha ha try our luck ha ha]