ioculus | //TESTDRIVE15.EXE

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!test drive

//TESTDRIVE15.EXE

//testdrive15.EXE

The clock strikes twelve. The gong of the grandfather clock in the foyer tolls out the time in slightly unnecessarily obnoxious loud noises. The ambiance of this old mansion demands respect, care, awe --

Okay, no, wait, why are you even in this stupid dusty house?

No reasons are forthcoming, because everyone knows that people just end up in places like this sometimes. That's just how the narrative device works. The hows and the whys don't matter -- all that matters is that you're all here, so you'd better get cracking and start exploring, because it's not like you can leave yet.

Or ever, maybe.

Good day, sirs and madams. Might I interest you in a nice glass of blood...y mary?

//SCENARIOS.EXE

PHASE I

[ 0215 ] All you see is white. The crash of thunder hits your ears next, punctuated by the piercing pitch of white noise in the background. After a few blinks, your vision comes back to you. Oh good, glad that you’ve joined us in the land of the living. Unlike the nondescript corpse at your feet – it looks like… a butler? Oh dear. You’ve already killed Murder Suspect Number One in most situations. How terribly ironic.

After all, who could’ve killed him but you? You might not remember, but there is definitely a murder weapon in your hand. It’s probably a knife or a poisoned glass of wine or-

Wait, is that a toaster? A full on toaster? Or maybe it’s a taser. Maybe you bludgeoned this poor guy with an entire encyclopedia. Either way, it looks like your murder weapon is a little unconventional, whether it’s a stranger’s pair of underwear or a hair curler. Are you really supposed to believe you committed a murder with these? (Yes.)

That said in the next second the double doors will be opening up. It’s pretty clear you’re not alone. Think quick!

PHASE II

[ 0600 ] Exploring more around the compound, you’ll find plenty of those tall, oil portraits of people hung around the walls. When you start walking, they’re all strangers. However by the time that you feel like you’re wandering around for an hour, two hours, they might start looking a little bit more… familiar? Mom? Is that you?

You don’t have time to think about that, though. You were clearly framed! You don't’ have a motive for killing some random NPC –

“Or do you?” a portrait will ask.

Oh. Holy shit. Well it’d just be rude to leave, right? Whether you stick around for conversation or not, you’ll find that was just the beginning. The portraits are going to start grilling you. Welcome to CERES Central’s Roast of You. What was your motive? Don’t you know you should respect the servants? How would you feel if you were caught like that? Careful turning your back on them though, because if you ignore them for too long, the subjects in the portraits may just reach out and snatch you to join them in their portrait world.

At that point, the only way to get out is to swap places with some other poor, unsuspecting soul wandering around.

PHASE III

[ 1045 ] You know what makes me hungry? Murder.

What’s the point of making a mansion this big anyway? Who’s even here? Either way, whether you’re looking for the kitchen to make a fine post-homicide sandwich or just trying to escape, you’ll eventually make it to a stairwell. The most finicky stairwell ever. Is that a trail of bloody footprints leading up the steps? What? No. Stop it, just climb.

Or well – don’t climb too quickly now. The staircases apparently have a mind of their own, swapping from one doorway to another. You definitely haven’t seen this before. It would seem that these stairs might even be interested in keeping you in a circle forever, no concern for whether or not you’re hungry or, god forbid, need to use the restroom.

However the portraits in the stairwell will provide a little tip: “The stairs are gossips, you know. Why don’t you tell us a little something about yourself? Make it good!”

Weirdly enough, sound advice – that is, if you’re interested in shouting out your most embarrassing secrets into the void so a mansion can keep talking shit about you. Oh well. Your alternative is just being a stair golem. There are worse fates.

PHASE IV

[ 1430 ] This hall is oddly quiet.

Well, until you hear it – the soft sniffles coming from down the hall, the broken sobs. It sounds like someone’s crying. For one reason or another, your footsteps take you forward – there’s really no point in going back now after all, right? Yet as you continue to walk… walk… walk… the crying becomes louder and louder. More desperate, more despaired. In time, it’s clear that this person is wailing, screaming, “How could this happen?!”

Within the span of a breath, all the lights in the hallway go out, leaving you in pitch black.

It occurs to you then that you hear a second set of steps. When did you stop walking? A cold chill runs down your spine and you find yourself running then, despite the fact that it feels like this pitch black hallway goes on forever. The other footsteps pick up, remind you that you’re not alone. No, certainly not.

Best hope that you find some assistance soon – otherwise it looks like the Butler Association is going to ignite some righteous vigilante justice on your ass.

BONUS

[ why o'clock ] You’re in the grand ballroom now, ready to present your case. Armed with a cob pipe (don’t smoke inside, it’s rude), a detective hat, and a single spotlight aimed right at you, you now have to explain how you came to the conclusion about the True Killer that is Obviously Not You. Rather, it’ll just be the character of whoever tags into this prompt – yes, you are suddenly so very sure that they’re the ones who are the ultimate mastermind of this entire game and… you’re just going to have to bullshit the reason why even if you know virtually nothing about them. It’s a dog eat dog world out there, you know?

Sorry about that.

Should you actually provide enough of a compelling case or they take pity on you, having a villainous breakdown for the sake of the plot, you’ll be awarded with a coupon that’ll give you three free scoops at your local ice cream parlor! (Note: you must buy the first two scoops in order to qualify.) Of course, if you’re not able to nail them down as the killer, you are obviously the killer yourself (citation needed).

From there, you’ll be dragged off to face your punishment: for six grueling hours you will be tickled mercilessly.

[ Remember to apply proper warnings on threads with sensitive or inappropriate material and do let a mod know if your thread careens off into maiming or canoodling so we can lock the log. ]

//RUN.EXE

Welcome to Cerealia's fifteenth Test Drive Meme. For your convenience, we have compiled a post detailing everyone's arrival experience and a FAQ that should explain everything in more detail. Please read them thoroughly before playing. Thank you!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

God, you just about gave me a heart attack! Quit messing around and stay behind me when we go through doors.

[UGH... Leon is honestly concerned, and all D can do is look amused like that? He scowls, releasing his grip and pacing a few steps away from him in the room. This one is strange like any of the others, darkened along the edges in ways a normally lit room shouldn't be.]

There wasn't an exit downstairs, but there could be a window that's low enough, or close to a tree or something...

[D follows him into the room, looking around but not quite taking in anything other than the oddness of it. He isn't concerned or really interested in the inner workings of this place, as long as he can leave...]

You want to climb out of the window? You could have checked downstairs for a ladder, if this was your plan.

All I hear is you complaining. I'm still waiting for that better idea of yours.

[Does this room even have walls?? This place is so weird. He's going to press his palms to the blackness and pat a few times. It feels like a wall.]

Well, we could find a ladder. [What's wrong with that... And Leon probably shouldn't be touching the weird part of the room.]

What are you doing?

Trying to find a way outta here! [PAT PAT PAT.] Are you seeing this? Am I missing a light switch?

[By feeling up the weird walls............]

I see it, and that's why I'm not touching it. [duh...] Come away from there before your hand goes through and doesn't come back out, honestly.

What kind of weird ass fantasy land do you think this is?

[He hasn't run into any of those grabby portraits yet. But he'll pull his hands back and turn around.]

Well, the walls are black, though...

[THE STAIRS MOVED?]

There are murderers everywhere, aren't there? [Is there even a window in here... maybe there's a secret passage in a wardrobe, he'll look for one.] Don't waste time feeling the walls.

[Details... Leon frowns at the dark wall for a few seconds before he steps away completely. There are a few more places to poke around in here, but the drawers are empty and unused, the bed looks dusty, and there's not a single clue.]

This room's useless.

[The shittiest room escape ever. D quits gingerly poking through whatever musty clothes are hanging in the wardrobe and steps back almost immediately, when Leon is apparently through. Thank god.]

Lead the way to the next one, please.

Stay behind me this time.

[Leon scowls as he moves forward, stepping back out the door very cautiously. He's got his gun out again, checking left and right and moving slower than usual. Of course, his caution doesn't stop him from hissing a whisper back at D as they walk.] Why is this place so god damn dark?

[Alright, alright, he's staying back this time. Still not taking it as seriously as he probably should, but look, he can only do so much in one day.]

Ambiance for murder? [D........]

Don't joke around about that.

[This is all very serious. Another door is coming up, so he moves slowly, one door on the handle and the other on his gun... This time he shoots D a Look before he opens it and points it inside.

Instantly, he seems disappointed. No exit, no obvious clue...]

We're never going to find an exit at this rate.

[What if it is for a Murder Atmosphere, though?? What if! He's usually right!!

And he rolls his eyes at that Look- he stayed where he's supposed to be this time, don't look at him that way. Peering around Leon at this next dark, useless room...]

Shall we try the stairs one more time?

The stairs? We just escaped those chatty stairs! What happens if we get stuck on them again?

You will have to say something else to appease them. I would rather be on the stairs than getting ourselves lost in these rooms.

Why don't you come up with something to say, for once! [He's still embarrassed.] You just want to go back and sit on the stairs doing nothing!

[He won't have it!! Look at him marching in the direction that is not stairs.]

[Well YES but that's not the POINT!! He resists for only a moment before he follows Leon, mostly because he can't get irritated at nobody.]

And you want to stubbornly search every empty room in this house! Do you even see where the hallway ends? We will be here forever!

As if we're not gonna be here forever by sitting on the fucking stairs!

[He's so ANGRY at this bullshit mansion. He passes up the next two doors, continuing down the never ending hallway, instead.] Are you sure you're not holding out on me? There's not some funky secret about what we're supposed to do to get outta here?

[They wouldn't have to stay on the stairs if SOMEONE would just cough up the deets!! Whatever!]

Detective, I haven't the slightest idea how to get out of here. If I did, would I be wandering around with you in the dark?

[Maybe. Still, that's a good point, so Leon goes silent as he walks. Why does this bullshit always happen to him... No one's gonna believe him. But... he hears something in the distance? Voices?]

Do you hear that?

[Wow!! But fine, argument put on hold to listen carefully.]

People, perhaps...? Shall we head for them or turn the other way? [He says this, but he's still going forward, because of course he is.] I happen to be feeling lucky.

Of course we're gonna go for them, but you're staying behind me.

[He thought he made that clear!! He touches D's shoulder to indicate this as he steps faster to move past him, still holding that gun of his. Violence...]

Does that sound like voices or crying? Or actually... [Is it anything... Now he's just getting confused.]

[Let him go in front!! He frowns as Leon moves up ahead again, though it's mostly at the gun. Does he have to wave that around and make them look suspicious...]

Does it matter? We have nothing better to do but investigate. But it certainly sounds like someone.

[Maybe it's ghosts, Leon. Maybe it's time for a spooky diversion. Don't mind him trying to edge past to peer around a corner, when they reach one.]

Do you really need that thing out?

Would you rather I let whoever's around the next corner shoot us, first?

[This is his defense! But as they turn the next corner, as carefully as he can, the source of the voices becomes clear: paintings.

Leon looks immediately annoyed.]

Not this, again...

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