ioculus | //TESTDRIVE15.EXE

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!test drive

//TESTDRIVE15.EXE

//testdrive15.EXE

The clock strikes twelve. The gong of the grandfather clock in the foyer tolls out the time in slightly unnecessarily obnoxious loud noises. The ambiance of this old mansion demands respect, care, awe --

Okay, no, wait, why are you even in this stupid dusty house?

No reasons are forthcoming, because everyone knows that people just end up in places like this sometimes. That's just how the narrative device works. The hows and the whys don't matter -- all that matters is that you're all here, so you'd better get cracking and start exploring, because it's not like you can leave yet.

Or ever, maybe.

Good day, sirs and madams. Might I interest you in a nice glass of blood...y mary?

//SCENARIOS.EXE

PHASE I

[ 0215 ] All you see is white. The crash of thunder hits your ears next, punctuated by the piercing pitch of white noise in the background. After a few blinks, your vision comes back to you. Oh good, glad that you’ve joined us in the land of the living. Unlike the nondescript corpse at your feet – it looks like… a butler? Oh dear. You’ve already killed Murder Suspect Number One in most situations. How terribly ironic.

After all, who could’ve killed him but you? You might not remember, but there is definitely a murder weapon in your hand. It’s probably a knife or a poisoned glass of wine or-

Wait, is that a toaster? A full on toaster? Or maybe it’s a taser. Maybe you bludgeoned this poor guy with an entire encyclopedia. Either way, it looks like your murder weapon is a little unconventional, whether it’s a stranger’s pair of underwear or a hair curler. Are you really supposed to believe you committed a murder with these? (Yes.)

That said in the next second the double doors will be opening up. It’s pretty clear you’re not alone. Think quick!

PHASE II

[ 0600 ] Exploring more around the compound, you’ll find plenty of those tall, oil portraits of people hung around the walls. When you start walking, they’re all strangers. However by the time that you feel like you’re wandering around for an hour, two hours, they might start looking a little bit more… familiar? Mom? Is that you?

You don’t have time to think about that, though. You were clearly framed! You don't’ have a motive for killing some random NPC –

“Or do you?” a portrait will ask.

Oh. Holy shit. Well it’d just be rude to leave, right? Whether you stick around for conversation or not, you’ll find that was just the beginning. The portraits are going to start grilling you. Welcome to CERES Central’s Roast of You. What was your motive? Don’t you know you should respect the servants? How would you feel if you were caught like that? Careful turning your back on them though, because if you ignore them for too long, the subjects in the portraits may just reach out and snatch you to join them in their portrait world.

At that point, the only way to get out is to swap places with some other poor, unsuspecting soul wandering around.

PHASE III

[ 1045 ] You know what makes me hungry? Murder.

What’s the point of making a mansion this big anyway? Who’s even here? Either way, whether you’re looking for the kitchen to make a fine post-homicide sandwich or just trying to escape, you’ll eventually make it to a stairwell. The most finicky stairwell ever. Is that a trail of bloody footprints leading up the steps? What? No. Stop it, just climb.

Or well – don’t climb too quickly now. The staircases apparently have a mind of their own, swapping from one doorway to another. You definitely haven’t seen this before. It would seem that these stairs might even be interested in keeping you in a circle forever, no concern for whether or not you’re hungry or, god forbid, need to use the restroom.

However the portraits in the stairwell will provide a little tip: “The stairs are gossips, you know. Why don’t you tell us a little something about yourself? Make it good!”

Weirdly enough, sound advice – that is, if you’re interested in shouting out your most embarrassing secrets into the void so a mansion can keep talking shit about you. Oh well. Your alternative is just being a stair golem. There are worse fates.

PHASE IV

[ 1430 ] This hall is oddly quiet.

Well, until you hear it – the soft sniffles coming from down the hall, the broken sobs. It sounds like someone’s crying. For one reason or another, your footsteps take you forward – there’s really no point in going back now after all, right? Yet as you continue to walk… walk… walk… the crying becomes louder and louder. More desperate, more despaired. In time, it’s clear that this person is wailing, screaming, “How could this happen?!”

Within the span of a breath, all the lights in the hallway go out, leaving you in pitch black.

It occurs to you then that you hear a second set of steps. When did you stop walking? A cold chill runs down your spine and you find yourself running then, despite the fact that it feels like this pitch black hallway goes on forever. The other footsteps pick up, remind you that you’re not alone. No, certainly not.

Best hope that you find some assistance soon – otherwise it looks like the Butler Association is going to ignite some righteous vigilante justice on your ass.

BONUS

[ why o'clock ] You’re in the grand ballroom now, ready to present your case. Armed with a cob pipe (don’t smoke inside, it’s rude), a detective hat, and a single spotlight aimed right at you, you now have to explain how you came to the conclusion about the True Killer that is Obviously Not You. Rather, it’ll just be the character of whoever tags into this prompt – yes, you are suddenly so very sure that they’re the ones who are the ultimate mastermind of this entire game and… you’re just going to have to bullshit the reason why even if you know virtually nothing about them. It’s a dog eat dog world out there, you know?

Sorry about that.

Should you actually provide enough of a compelling case or they take pity on you, having a villainous breakdown for the sake of the plot, you’ll be awarded with a coupon that’ll give you three free scoops at your local ice cream parlor! (Note: you must buy the first two scoops in order to qualify.) Of course, if you’re not able to nail them down as the killer, you are obviously the killer yourself (citation needed).

From there, you’ll be dragged off to face your punishment: for six grueling hours you will be tickled mercilessly.

[ Remember to apply proper warnings on threads with sensitive or inappropriate material and do let a mod know if your thread careens off into maiming or canoodling so we can lock the log. ]

//RUN.EXE

Welcome to Cerealia's fifteenth Test Drive Meme. For your convenience, we have compiled a post detailing everyone's arrival experience and a FAQ that should explain everything in more detail. Please read them thoroughly before playing. Thank you!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Uh, not falcons, was Leon even listening to the useless proverb?? He's going to sit here and wait, so obviously struggling is futile.]

I suppose there is always jumping over the side.

[He pauses and takes a few steps back down the stairway he's stuck on, gripping the railing as he peers over. Gossip... He's not about to give gossip to a weird hallucination staircase.

Things he'd rather take seriously? The suggestion to jump off something this high and crazy. He's looking for a possible landing that he could reach if he jumped, now.]

You might be onto something.

[Okay, wait, is D going to have to get up and stop him from jumping over the side...]

I am not onto something. Keep your feet on the stairs, you buffoon.

[He might. He half lifts a leg before he puts it back down and glares over.] You got any better ideas?

[He doesn't pull away from the edge just yet. Still considering it!] Unless you're saying I should give these stairs a good dose of gossip.

[Gossip about D of course, not himself.]

[Come down from there...]

Tall tales won't do either of us any good. [You can't tell the stairs he's a horrible criminal, see, because it's plainly not true. But look, he's getting up to reach for Leon's arm and stop him from doing this stupid, stupid thing. Ugh.]

Would you please take a deep breath and use your head for one minute?

What do you suggest we do? If this is another one of those strange dreams, I swear...

[He will shake D sternly by the shoulders, or something. But fine, he'll take a step down and back from the railing, shrugging that grip away.] And don't say sit around and wait, either. I don't have time for this crap. And neither do you! I'm putting you behind bars, this time.

I assure you, you are completely awake. [Unfortunately, because that means D is completely awake and definitely here as well. He sighs, allowing himself to be shrugged off and turning to hold onto the railing and peer over the side himself.]

On what charges are you trying to take me in this time? Conspiracy to climb stairs?

Don't act dumb. A butler died, and I see nothing showing me you're not the one who's guilty!

[Therefore, he must be guilty. Okay, so he's jumping to conclusions here, and he's not even following his gut instinct this time. Still, there was a murder, and if it wasn't D, then he knows for sure that D will at least be able to help him out. Somehow.]

Can't you fly or something?

[Leon he's just been sitting on some stairs? This is rude.]

It's innocent until proven guilty, Detective. [He waves a hand, still looking over the railing, not interested in being accused of murder. Anyway!!] I will not be carrying you anywhere, either.

[That doesn't answer... whether or not he can fly...]

You haven't been innocent a day in your life.

[Ugh. There's a lot on his mind, stuff he should be remembering from just before this stupid murder mystery, but he can't put his finger on it... So this is all he has to go off of. A murder and D. The usual.]

We're stuck here unless we come up with something to say.

You haven't known me that long.

[JUST saying, even he was once a pure little toddler waddling around. He leans away from the railing now, to raise an eyebrow at Leon. His expression sure does not suggest he's going to offer up any juicy gossip anytime soon.]

Be my guest.

[Ugh... Now that he's being invited to speak, he can't think of what to say. He's not about to reveal D's craziest secrets. There could be other people around here, listening to him shout on the moving stairway. And aside from that... It doesn't feel right. Especially not when he's still waiting for answers himself.]

Alright, listen up, stairs!

[Does he have its attention? Yes? There's another lengthy pause. He could say anything. That D is basically a furry, for example. Instead...]

I can't remember the last time I went on a successful date.

[It's not shouted so much as pathetically announced. The stairs move, and Leon reaches over to grab D's wrist and drag him along. Don't say anything!!]

[HE'S NOT A FURRY what the FUCK]

Oh, my— [He lets Leon grab his wrist and obligingly follows, since he's definitely going to say something, so he might as well be cooperative in at least one way.]

I thought the stairs were looking for something more... secret?

[What the fuck is THIS RUDENESS... He splutters, even as he's rushing along and dragging D with.]

That was a secret! Don't act like you know about my love life! [Nevermind that he's at the shop all day every day, and has been for over the past year... Hmmm.] I don't need to hear it from a guy who'd kiss a goat.

[10 points to D!! But WOW, don't point out his TORRID AFFAIRS...]

I do not kiss goats. [He is a TOTETSU and Leon needs to get it right if he's going to be rude about it!] Perhaps if you wanted it to be a secret, you would not invade my shop to complain every day of the week!

You'd kiss anything with feathers, scales or fur.

[He's just SAYING... Invading, though, that's just rude.] What does my showing up have to do with anything, anyway? I could have had a hot date or two on the side.

[No comment..... he probably would not kiss anything... any animal... no. Shut up.]

Did you?

That's not the point.

[At least they've escaped that damn moving staircase.]

I thought it was yours.

[Well now that they've escaped the stairs, give him his arm back.]

[His point was that he totally could have had a hot babe on the side he was seeing, not that he did! Okay, there's no way he'd have had time for her. He barely had time for himself, between the shop and work.

Irritated, he stops in his tracks in this dark hallway and turns, still holding that wrist. Don't forget:] You're still under arrest. What do you know about what happened downstairs?

[No, give him his arm. He stops as well, instinctively taking a step back so he can tug his arm uselessly against Leon's grip.]

Absolutely nothing, aside from the fact that something dreadful happened. That poor man.

[Let go...]

[Nope!! Leon's even doing that cocky smirk he does when he thinks he's right. He'd just been looking for D, he thinks, even if he can't remember all the details as to why right now... It probably was for something he did wrong.]

So you're saying you don't know of any weird animals running around here? You sold him something, didn't you?

[This is stupid... D gives him a flat look, honestly not in the mood for this same song and dance right now, in this of all places.]

You're suggesting I brought a "weird animal" to this old mansion and sold it to a man in order to kill him, only to find myself trapped on some stairs? Have I missed any details of your accusation...?

Oh, perhaps that it's utter nonsense. Let go of my hand, Detective.

[He doesn't let go, but he does ease up on the grip, lowering their hands as he steps closer. He has a point with the whole staircase thing. Damn... he thought he had him for sure.]

If it wasn't you, what happened? How did you get here?

[Leon, someone being dead isn't even in the same universe as having a solid case against him, please. He shrugs with his free arm, gesturing at the nondescript dark hallway. What is this place??]

I have no idea. Suddenly, I was here, and not a single person has been able to explain how.

[Like, there was that Powerpoint, but that doesn't explain the murder mystery.]

i'm embarrassed

how do you think I feel

you earned it

I am being treated so rudely... for no reason...!!!

so you say!!

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