ioculus | //TESTDRIVE7.0.EXE

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!test drive

//TESTDRIVE7.0.EXE

Mystery Science Theatre -3000

Welcome to Cerealia's latest attraction. In an effort to branch into other forms of entertainment, CERES has been slowly patching together films from various worlds to show in its brand new movie theater. So, grab a friend, sit back, and enjoy the newest batch of imported films with a nice bucket of popcorn. As you'll notice from the long line outside, it's the latest rage in the colony, and those tired of the same virtual battles in ViViD are eager to enjoy a little change in scenery.

For those eager to participate, you will find yourself being lead into the lobby by one of the many robotic theater employees. Showing today are five special films, and in the lobbies are various screens advertising them through the movie's digital avatar, Mnemosyne. Allow her to take you on a virtual tour of CERES' finest theatrical offerings.

(( P.S. no actual actors/actresses appear in any of the films. It's all done through advanced CGi-technology and voice acting. ))

"GOOD EVENING, MOVIE-GOERS. I AM MNEMOSYNE, YOUR GUIDE FOR THIS EVENING.

AS YOU CAN SEE, WE HAVE SEVERAL CONCESSIONS FOR YOU. PLEASE PARTAKE IN THE CONCESSIONS, BUT DO NOT MAKE A MESS. THE THEATER ROBOTS HAVE BEEN PROGRAMMED TO TAKE ACTION FOR LITTERING.

TONIGHT'S FILMS ARE THE MUCH LAUDED AND CRITICALLY ACCLAIMED FILMS HAND-PICKED BY JULIUS VINCERE:

MY PETITE EQUESTRIAN EXPERIENCE RATED A

LARGE ADVENTURER 7 RATED B

THE RETALIATORS: ERA OF RADICALON RATED C

DECEASE HARDER II RATED D

YARD-DOOR PEOPLE OF QUESTIONABLE MORALS RATED Z

PLEASE MAKE YOUR SELECTION AT THE BOOTHS IN THE FRONT OF THE LOBBY THEN FOLLOW THE DIRECTIONS TO THE APPROPRIATE THEATER. THANK YOU AND ENJOY YOUR EVENING."

//SCENARIOS.EXE

THEATER I

[ 0000 ] MY PETITE EQUESTRIAN EXPERIENCE - RATED A

Advertised as a delightful tale of ponies discovering magic and friendship, this is a must-see! For adults that is. The ponies are killed within the first ten minutes, and then the rest of the run time is filled with a celebratory orgy of Roman-esque proportions. There are no mentions of ponies after the initial scene. They are neither seen nor mourned nor heard from. There are only naked, gyrating bodies as far as the eye can see.

If you manage to sit through the horror long enough, you will notice a certain something in between the moaning. Is that your face on one of the protags? Is it a beloved family member or a friend? You will find that spliced between the scenes are cherished and innocent childish memories now being soiled by passionate cries of pleasure. Enjoy the new memory, your poor, sweet summer child. This will only be visible to the viewer himself/herself.

THEATER II

[ 0000 ] LARGE ADVENTURER 7 - RATED B

A touching tale of dealing with loss and more loss. This film is about a giant robot and his pet human that gets eradicated in the Third Robotic Genocide, leaving behind just a human carcass. The giant robot clings to the carcass and cries robotic tears until finally he chucks the carcass into a river full of carcasses and decides to go on a deep quest in search of cheese.

But spliced between this tale of woe, viewers will see images of themselves caught in a romantic memory. A first kiss, perhaps? A first love-making session? A first crush? A desired one will also have their face molded on top of all the carcasses as they flow away. This will only be visible to the viewer himself/herself.

THEATER III

[ 0000 ] THE RETALIATORS: ERA OF RADICALON - RATED C

Agent Dick Angry takes it upon himself to assemble a team of miscreant aliens to invade the hell out of "Planet Earth." The aliens include Zorn, an intelligent toaster; Crisis, a blue-skinned beauty that turns purple when she's aroused; Trish, a rogue miniature ficus with a criminal record; and General Cerealia, a handsome, ripped man who beats evil-doers with his laptop and who looks suspiciously like CERES' programmer, Elias.

This adventurous romp will feature the tragic memories of death interweaving with the destruction of the "Planet Earth." Those who attend will see first-hand the memories of their own worlds slowly being demolished before their eyes and all their loved ones screaming in agony. Then it'll loop itself again and again for the last hour of the film. Enjoy! This will only be visible to the viewer himself/herself.

THEATER IV

[ 0000 ] DECEASE HARDER II - RATED D

Jack McJack is a cop who is having none of your shit. In this action film, he will ride around on a velociraptor and go around punching evil-doers and detonating them with land mines. If you want all the violence in the world, this is the film for you. Watch as every second is filled with pointless explosions and every curse word in all the known languages in Cerealia.

Of course, spliced between every action scene will be every embarrassing moment of your life being played out for you and only you. Or is it? Start sweating and looking in every direction as you begin to wonder if everyone else can see that time you tripped and fell on your senpai almost kissing him (sacre bleu D= !)

BONUS - THEATER V

[ whyo'clock ] YARD-DOOR PEOPLE OF QUESTIONABLE MORALS - RATED Z

This is a touching film about tenderness and coming together to overcome obstacles and achieve greatness. The Yard-Door people run into danger when an evil megalord starts polluting the air with negative feelings. The Yard-Door people must band together and save the world through kindness. They will go and help their neighbors get across the street, rake up leaves from their lawns, donate canned food to the poor, and collect toys for children who do not have any.

While this film will draw tears from your eyes, you will see happy memories. The happiest that can be mustered. They will be spliced in with the scenes in the movie, occurring side-by-side with all the smiles and fuzzy feelings leaking off the screens. This will only be visible to the viewer himself/herself.

Also, beware! This film contains the angriest of Theater Cleaning Robots. Dropping anything on the floor will result in a bit of a flogging with a wooden paddle and a robot calling you a dirty slut and claiming that you like it. Yes, BDSM robots will not take your bad behavior. You better bend over and start apologizing for being such a filthy, little theater-goer.

[ Remember to apply proper warnings on threads with trigger-y or inappropriate material and do let a mod know if your thread careens off into maiming or canoodling so we can lock the meme. ]

//RUN.EXE

Welcome to CEREALIA's seventh Test Drive Meme. For your convenience, we have compiled a post detailing everyone's arrival experience and a FAQ that should explain everything in more detail. Please read them thoroughly before playing. Thank you!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ Pyrrha has always responded well to authority. He creates a line and she continues it, steadfastly at his back like any possible soldier he might command. The lobby is brighter than the auditorium had been and she’s squinting a little as they step into it, but her attention doesn’t move from her rescuer. ]

You’re right. I guess I was just - embarrassed.

[Understandably so, really. Sousei's not surprised, because even if it doesn't show in his face or tone, he was also really embarrassed by that whole fiasco.

But for now--]

Most things are not as they first appear here. The sooner you learn that, the better off you will be.

You mean it wasn’t really an—

[ You can do it, Pyrrha. You can say the word. ]

—orgy?

[He was mostly talking about the ponies but sure.]

... Likely, it was all all created by holograms.

[Or at least, that's what he's been gathering from every other event.]

[ ...well, now she knows that! Her tone, when she speaks again, is mildly affronted but mostly confused. ]

That seems like an odd use for their technology.

[... yeah, about all of that... you've got a lot to learn about this place, pyrrha.]

They tend to waste their technology on significant wastes of time. This is the norm, not the exception.

[dicks]

[ She’s listening attentively, much like a protégé obliging her sensei. This is all still a little confusing to her, but Pyrrha makes a valiant attempt at wrapping her mind around everything. ]

I suppose, next time, I should just stay home. [ It’s said with a quirk of her lips, half a smile. ]

[You're so obedient and quiet and not ridiculous, he likes you already.

It's hard to say whether he gets the joke at all, honestly, considering his response is as serious as ever.]

It may be wise.

You have not been here long, however; your lack of knowledge about this place is not your fault. [and yet--] Now you can be more wary in the future.

Right.

[ Guess who is going to keep alternating between apologies and expressions of gratitude for the rest of their CR? Pyrrha, that's who. ]

Thank you, Mister... [ name goes here ]

[... name goes here. I hope you're ready for his ridiculous archaic name.]

Abe no Sousei.

[He'll expectantly wait for either her "WHAT DO I CALL YOU' or for her to introduce herself in turn. Either-or.]

[ Nope, she's just going to dive right into being incorrect about it. With a smile and everything! ]

Nice to meet you, Abe.

[She's the most correct of anyone so far!! Congrats, Pyrrha.

But she didn't give him her name in return so...]

And your name?

[ Now that he's declined to correct her, Pyrrha is going to refer to him that way forever. -- and, oh, right. This is a place where people don't automatically know her name. If her mild surprise is any indication, that will take some getting used to. ]

Pyrrha Nikos.

[ She holds out a hand for him. If he takes it, he'll find a sturdy handshake, unflinching without being overly firm. ]

[... He's at least come into contact with enough names that aren't Japanese to be able to figure out how to address her.

Last name is Nikos, then, probably. And he does take the handshake, shaking her hand simply but firmly as well.]

Very well then. Should you require further assistance, tell me.

[He can grant it, probably, and it's...in his nature to want to at least make sure that everyone who's dragged her is okay.]

[ Handshake done, her hands clasp neatly behind her back. It's a kind offer and she's appreciative, but Pyrrha doesn't know quite what to ask. So far everything has been - painfully clear.

It's not quite requiring help, but she chances the question regardless - ]

Are you military?

[Their postures would be mirrored, but his arms are crossed in front of him, not behind him. Nonetheless, their postures are both rather ramrod straight.]

...Yes.

[Sort of. Close enough. Not enough of a difference to correct her, really.]

I am the captain of my squad. [Which means very little here, but she's asking, so he'll tell her.]

Then —

[ She hesitates for a moment, before continuing: ]

It would be Captain Abe, yes? [ You always show a ranking officer the due respect, even if you're not technically under his command. Pyrrha is a creature of formalities and titles as much as anything. ] Or just Captain?

[It...has been a very long time since he's been called "Captain", he feels. Back home, that was the common term of address. "Captain", "captain", "captain". "Captain, what should we do?" "Captain, should I do it?"

His team, looking to him for direction, and people, looking at him with respect for his rank as commander of the Yamainu.

...He nods after a moment, expression calm.]

"Captain" is fine, if that is what you prefer. [It's familiar, at least.]

Captain.

[ It’s said with a smile, affirming. This would all be a very nice encounter, except for the robot sliding up to lecture them about fire safety regulations and informing Sousei that his ponytail is not in keeping with the proper codes.

Pyrrha is mystified, but begins to interject regardless - ]

Excuse me, but I think—

[ Made provably unhappy by being interrupted, the robot growls out, ] SILENCE, SLUT!

[ ...

Well, she’s silent, at least. She’s too surprised to be anything else. ]

[Oh my god he hates robots. From his first encounter with them, when they had been trying to murder him for a crime he didn't commit, he has yet to see robots that were worth having around. So when this robot proves itself more than an irritation, Sousei's expression grows faintly aggravated.]

Come. There is no reason to remain here.

[and it is the moment the robot moves to follow them, still full of tiny robot anger, that Sousei turns in one smooth movement, slamming his sheathed sword into the thing, aiming for where he knows, by now, the robot is weakest--at the seams of the metal that is fused together.

He then turns and continues walking as if nothing had ever happened, leaving the robot on its side, unable to get back up due to the nature of its design. oh well. let's blow this joint--]

Yes, Captain.

[ If she’s at all startled by the show of force, she doesn’t indicate it physically. Anyway, it’s unlikely - the short sword and shield on her back speak of combat experience.

Following him like the most obedient of baby ducklings, waddle waddle. ]

[She is an obedient duckling, and they make it out of the theater and the crowd without further trouble. Even obnoxious crowds of people tend to get out of Sousei's way, though he isn't wearing his military uniform. Nonetheless, he carries his rank like a cloak, and that on top of his rather flat expression gets people to scurry out of their way.

It is when they are peacefully away from all of that and in the middle of the entertainment district of Cerealia that he glances at her again.]

You may be stuck here for some time. Your first action should be becoming accustomed to this place, so you are able to react properly to surprises.

[ Although listening dutifully, Pyrrha also finds herself looking around. The entertainment district is pitched bright, neon crackles on every corner and every peripheral line. She only barely knows it for what it is, however. The initiation speech had not included a detailed tour. Some of what she sees is familiar, translated from the world of Remnant to this new world; different shapes but similar meanings. Other things are wholly beyond her.

However, Pyrrha suspects Sousei means more than the cursory layout. ]

Do you still get surprised?

[...what a question... Sousei is quiet for a moment as he leads the way, still intending to get out of the entertainment district. From there, it isn't so far to the residential area, and that is significantly less grating to him, even if still entirely alien.

But he nods, because anything else would be a lie.]

Yes. [he says as surprise basically never shows on his face ever.] The things that happen here are often utterly unpredictable, and have shown little in the way of a pattern.

[... from ghosts to video games to snow days...... it's hard, okay.]

It is most important to be prepared, so you are able to react promptly despite the surprise. [it's what he would tell his own squad, if they were here. Don't try to predict the happenings, just try to be ready to react nonetheless.]

[ As the lights of the entertainment district fall away, Pyrrha continues to look around. There are landmarks, either familiar or otherwise, and she does her best to file them away. If this world truly is her home now, as some would have her believe, then there are worst things than knowing her way around.

If she knew the advice mirrored anything he would say to the soldiers under his command, she’d be honoured. As it is, Pyrrha errs on the side of calm gratitude and careful studiousness. ]

Understood.

[ It’s not hard for her, although Pyrrha’s course of action often tends toward engaging the problem in combat. Like all Beacon students. ]

Is there ever any physical danger? [ She’ll protect you, Captain!! ]

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I just noticed Sousei's name field...

isn't it beautiful... it's tenka's fault tbh

Because Sousei is so attracted to Tenka. I get it.

NO SHUT UP

MAKE ME

STOPS TAGGING YOU

Good luck staying away B)

wow is that a challenge!!!

...no because either way, I'd lose ):

... <33333 c:

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