ioculus | //TESTDRIVE5.0.EXE

//TESTDRIVE5.0.EXE

Let it Go, Let it ~~Fucking~~ Go Already

Let's keep pretending it's not technically October in the game while Yuletide thoughts continue to spread through CERES. Inspired by recent tragic events, your friendly neighborhood programmer, Elias (

serritor) has constructed a wonderful new ice world to be accessed through ViViD, the popular virtual simulator.

As expected, this is a world covered in ice all over with a chill that bores into one's bones as players wander through. In the midst of it all lies a beautiful reconstruction of a mall, complete with various stores to suit your online shopping needs. However, before you can indulge in any spending, you're tasked with a mission should you choose to accept. You will have to enter the frost-covered mall which hosts a large, elaborate labyrinth and complete all the objectives as they're given to you and your party.

It seems that some horrible foe has arisen from the great beyond to kidnap Santa Bot (no relation to the futurama one). Unable to deliver toys and goods to the poor, needy adults of Cerealia, it's up to YOU to save him from a variety of enemies which include:

a.) Nasty, foul-mouthed elves
b.) A rabid flock of reindeer
c.) An ice queen who will not stop singing
d.) And a fucking minotaur. Why? Why not?

"Ho ho ho! And seasons greetings, players! I am Julius Vincere, the CEO of CERES, and I must apologize for a few recent temperature modifications as of late. But we were able to fix that small glitch quickly. We were only hoping to cool things down by a few degrees after we received a few complaints about overheating equipment. It seems our robots went a bit overboard with our dome, which is a safety precaution we put in place in the event of an outside threat or invasion. There's no need to fear, and we hope you enjoyed warming up with one another in the meantime.

Now, that that's behind us, let's have a little fun, shall we? I think some of you are familiar with the concept back in your home worlds. I observed enough to know that it's a pretty ostentatious holiday. That's why I asked my dear programmer, Elias, to build a simulation so we can experience a little bit of Christmas together. You can say it's a dress rehearsal for the real thing.

Anyway, if you all would be so kind as to sample this world and tell me how it goes. I want to see what you all think and get you all in the festive mood. Consider this my deep apology for one mistake too many. We won't allow it to happen again."

//SCENARIOS.EXE

PHASE I

[ 0000 ] Let the games begin! You're dropped before a giant forest with snow-covered trees, and in your path to reach the mall, there appears your first threat. They look cute and sweet -innocent little elves that smile and blush in your direction. They barely reach up to your chest and look up at you with big, glassy eyes as they promise to help you along your way. Little hands will grab yours, tugging you along. That is, until you're far enough along that you're deep in the midst of the forest where they decide to chip at a lake of frozen ice and chuck you inside.

They will then criticize your clothes, call you a piece of reindeer shit, tell you your ass is too fat then call your mother a whore. Because that's just how they roll. Here's your chance to fight back, get vengeance, and force the elves to tell you where Santa is. Those who manage to beat them into submission will be pointed in the right direction to the mall. Those who don't, have fun drowning in icy water!

PHASE II

[ 0000 ] Once you've escaped the elves, another trial appears. This time, it's in the form of twelve savage reindeer with blood dribbling from their lips. Their eyes are all an eerie shade of red, and they're staring at you deeply as though they can see into your soul. If you hope to get into that mall, you'll have to fight them down and avoid being caught in their antlers. There will be lots of bucking. Copious buckings. Kill the reindeer and remove their antlers for a special gift! (it's a coupon for a free McCERES burger.)

PHASE III

[ 0000 ] Once you reach the entrance of the mall, you'll be confronted with the icy labyrinth, guarded by a minotaur. He is large and in charge and will probably try to mow you down once he sees you. None of your weapons or magic will work, though. To pacify this beast, you will have to hug him. He requires a hug with feeling. He will tell you as much when you confront him. Give him a good squeeze then let him be. Love can cure many things!

PHASE IV

[ 0000 ] Are you done running around this maze of a mall? Tired of seeing the same Vidia's Secret store a dozen times? Alas, there is one last trial. It comes in the form of obnoxious carols being crooned in your direction by a beautiful ice queen. She's beckoning you to her with a siren song in the form of merry Christmas music, luring you in little by little and making you walk towards her while she tries to enchant you. She'll lean in close and whisper the rest of the song in your ear, and once you're in her trance, you'll turn on your own friends and party members to try and kill them. To avoid being drawn into her trance, you'll have to be knocked around a few times to regain your bearings. Then, it's either destroy her or be subjected to her ice magic. However, before she dies, she'll look deep into your eyes and beg you to save her and not to forget her.

She needs you.

Once you defeat her, Santa Bot will appear to dance a merry jig in your honor and shower you with credits. Hooray!

BONUS

[ whyo'clock ] You can't escape Christmas without a random sprig of mistletoe floating around your head and following you around. For those who try to escape, the mistletoe bot will only move all the quicker. Those caught under its insistent floating will be compelled to kiss a neighbor or two or ten. Or even kiss the minotaur. What we're saying is you should probably run.

[ Remember to apply proper warnings on threads with trigger-y or inappropriate material and do let a mod know if your thread careens off into maiming or canoodling so we can lock the meme. ]

//RUN.EXE

Welcome to CEREALIA's fifth Test Drive Meme. For your convenience, we have compiled a post detailing everyone's arrival experience and a FAQ that should explain everything in more detail. Please read them thoroughly before playing. Thank you!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[She's crying on the inside and outside, and is shivering from having been dunked once already, to boot! So when she sees another gaggle of elves, her first impulse is to run away. But...isn't that...?]

J-JK?

[But clearly she needs to do something about the elves first.] L-look! A-avalanche!!

[... Did it work?]

[ It did for maybe a second or two, which is certainly not enough for him to get away. But at least he gets in a flaily kick in the face of one of them. More like its chin, but they don't need to be specific. He's going to roll right over them then, better try than doing nothing.

It's about his turn to get dunked though, shit that's cold! At... least they're leaving to find the next victim now?

Sorry he's ignoring her right now, he's been busy. Not to mention he's from episode 5, they're not friends yet. ]

[While he's getting dunked, she's been looking around for a stick to help fend them off with, but even the lowermost branches are too sturdy to pull off, and touching them with her bare hands is painful! She can only go over afterwards to commiserate.]

Are you okay now?

[She has an extra ~bug medicine~ in her pocket, but it isn't for warming people back up.]

L-let's look for some towels...

[ He's so confused right now. Not just because of the place, but be cause she talks to him like they're friends. He knows who she is, but he's never thought of her as the type to do that. He is, but they're different. ]

N-n-no?

[ He's cold as hell, he feels like he's going to go blue from it. ]

Yeah, towels, sounds good.

[Good thing nothing slipped out of her pockets in the water; she'd used it previously to point her where to go.]

I t-think there's something that way... [Point.]

Can you make it? [Since he said he wasn't all right. She kinda figured that he would have more of a chance, since she's never been good at physical stuff or anything, so...] D-did something happen already?

Yeah, th-those creeps just tried to drown me.

[ He's being a drama queen, but can you really blame him right now? But climbing up on his feet he turns in the direction she's pointing.

It's not like he has a better alternative, he doesn't want to go in the directions of those monsters. ]

Yeah, I thi-ink I better go an-anywhere as long as it's w-warm.

[Life's no fun without a few surprises! ... Okay, she was worried she would die for a second there, too.]

I hope it isn't f-far...

[Trudge trudge trudge]

... We should've followed them... [Someone's feeling cold and regretful. But more importantly—]

D-do you think the others are here, too? [Since she was dropped here without warning, and all.]

You're t-t-telling me.

[ He'd rather get somewhere warm before he freezes to death. He feels like he's going blue. ]

"The others"? W-what others?

[She can console herself by thinking that the elves would have been too fast, at least. Carpe diem! Face the future! Seize the day!

[Er, what?] Rider Club "others." [She says in a tone that communicates that it should have been obvious. (Her petulance may have come out a little.)]

You didn't look?

[ Seize the day and all that other bullcrap, right? JK doesn't look like he gets what she's talking about. Seriously, how could he? It hasn't happened to him yet. ]

I have no idea what club that is.

[She squints at him, but it doesn't seem like he's joking. Why—? How—?]

Y-you're serious?

[... How—?] Uh. JK. How old are you?

[ Does he look like he's joking? He's in no mood to joke around right now. ]

Almost sixteen, why're you even asking? We're in the same class, we're the same age.

Because...I just started third year.

[... time shenanigans?? Have their frequent messing with the space-time (mostly space) continuum come back to bite them in the butt?]

... Before...before the elves, what were you doing...?

You're kidding. That's a really badly timed joke.

[ He is NOT amused. At all. ]

Having a party?

//TESTDRIVE5.0.EXE

i

Re: i

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject