ioculus | //TESTDRIVE5.0.EXE

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!test drive

//TESTDRIVE5.0.EXE

Let it Go, Let it ~~Fucking~~ Go Already

Let's keep pretending it's not technically October in the game while Yuletide thoughts continue to spread through CERES. Inspired by recent tragic events, your friendly neighborhood programmer, Elias (

serritor) has constructed a wonderful new ice world to be accessed through ViViD, the popular virtual simulator.

As expected, this is a world covered in ice all over with a chill that bores into one's bones as players wander through. In the midst of it all lies a beautiful reconstruction of a mall, complete with various stores to suit your online shopping needs. However, before you can indulge in any spending, you're tasked with a mission should you choose to accept. You will have to enter the frost-covered mall which hosts a large, elaborate labyrinth and complete all the objectives as they're given to you and your party.

It seems that some horrible foe has arisen from the great beyond to kidnap Santa Bot (no relation to the futurama one). Unable to deliver toys and goods to the poor, needy adults of Cerealia, it's up to YOU to save him from a variety of enemies which include:

a.) Nasty, foul-mouthed elves
b.) A rabid flock of reindeer
c.) An ice queen who will not stop singing
d.) And a fucking minotaur. Why? Why not?

"Ho ho ho! And seasons greetings, players! I am Julius Vincere, the CEO of CERES, and I must apologize for a few recent temperature modifications as of late. But we were able to fix that small glitch quickly. We were only hoping to cool things down by a few degrees after we received a few complaints about overheating equipment. It seems our robots went a bit overboard with our dome, which is a safety precaution we put in place in the event of an outside threat or invasion. There's no need to fear, and we hope you enjoyed warming up with one another in the meantime.

Now, that that's behind us, let's have a little fun, shall we? I think some of you are familiar with the concept back in your home worlds. I observed enough to know that it's a pretty ostentatious holiday. That's why I asked my dear programmer, Elias, to build a simulation so we can experience a little bit of Christmas together. You can say it's a dress rehearsal for the real thing.

Anyway, if you all would be so kind as to sample this world and tell me how it goes. I want to see what you all think and get you all in the festive mood. Consider this my deep apology for one mistake too many. We won't allow it to happen again."

//SCENARIOS.EXE

PHASE I

[ 0000 ] Let the games begin! You're dropped before a giant forest with snow-covered trees, and in your path to reach the mall, there appears your first threat. They look cute and sweet -innocent little elves that smile and blush in your direction. They barely reach up to your chest and look up at you with big, glassy eyes as they promise to help you along your way. Little hands will grab yours, tugging you along. That is, until you're far enough along that you're deep in the midst of the forest where they decide to chip at a lake of frozen ice and chuck you inside.

They will then criticize your clothes, call you a piece of reindeer shit, tell you your ass is too fat then call your mother a whore. Because that's just how they roll. Here's your chance to fight back, get vengeance, and force the elves to tell you where Santa is. Those who manage to beat them into submission will be pointed in the right direction to the mall. Those who don't, have fun drowning in icy water!

PHASE II

[ 0000 ] Once you've escaped the elves, another trial appears. This time, it's in the form of twelve savage reindeer with blood dribbling from their lips. Their eyes are all an eerie shade of red, and they're staring at you deeply as though they can see into your soul. If you hope to get into that mall, you'll have to fight them down and avoid being caught in their antlers. There will be lots of bucking. Copious buckings. Kill the reindeer and remove their antlers for a special gift! (it's a coupon for a free McCERES burger.)

PHASE III

[ 0000 ] Once you reach the entrance of the mall, you'll be confronted with the icy labyrinth, guarded by a minotaur. He is large and in charge and will probably try to mow you down once he sees you. None of your weapons or magic will work, though. To pacify this beast, you will have to hug him. He requires a hug with feeling. He will tell you as much when you confront him. Give him a good squeeze then let him be. Love can cure many things!

PHASE IV

[ 0000 ] Are you done running around this maze of a mall? Tired of seeing the same Vidia's Secret store a dozen times? Alas, there is one last trial. It comes in the form of obnoxious carols being crooned in your direction by a beautiful ice queen. She's beckoning you to her with a siren song in the form of merry Christmas music, luring you in little by little and making you walk towards her while she tries to enchant you. She'll lean in close and whisper the rest of the song in your ear, and once you're in her trance, you'll turn on your own friends and party members to try and kill them. To avoid being drawn into her trance, you'll have to be knocked around a few times to regain your bearings. Then, it's either destroy her or be subjected to her ice magic. However, before she dies, she'll look deep into your eyes and beg you to save her and not to forget her.

She needs you.

Once you defeat her, Santa Bot will appear to dance a merry jig in your honor and shower you with credits. Hooray!

BONUS

[ whyo'clock ] You can't escape Christmas without a random sprig of mistletoe floating around your head and following you around. For those who try to escape, the mistletoe bot will only move all the quicker. Those caught under its insistent floating will be compelled to kiss a neighbor or two or ten. Or even kiss the minotaur. What we're saying is you should probably run.

[ Remember to apply proper warnings on threads with trigger-y or inappropriate material and do let a mod know if your thread careens off into maiming or canoodling so we can lock the meme. ]

//RUN.EXE

Welcome to CEREALIA's fifth Test Drive Meme. For your convenience, we have compiled a post detailing everyone's arrival experience and a FAQ that should explain everything in more detail. Please read them thoroughly before playing. Thank you!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

PHASE I
[ JK isn't the strongest guy out there. Actually, he's weak as hell, and he knows it. But he trusts no-one, and that's what saves him from getting thrown in the water. They catch him eventually though, and he's rolling around in the snow trying to avoid them getting enogh of a hold on him to get him anywhere. ]

Hey, stop that, leave me alone!

PHASE II
[ Those reindeers are scary. And with zero fighting-knowledge, he can't do much other than try to run for the mall. And once he spots anyone, run and hide behind them. ]

Please, help me! They're trying to kill me!

BONUS
[ JK is great at running. But with them gaining speed and him being a regular human, the mistletoe tire him out eventually. Huh. That didn't do much. But he's feeling a lot like kissing people for some reason...

And that's what he'll do. He doesn't do romance anyway, kissing (some less scary looking) strangers might be okay. Too bad he can't really control who to kiss though. ]

Move out of the way!

[ Rin yells those words as she raises her hand, murmuring words of magic without letting anyone hear as a curse slowly began to appear at the tip of her finger, a physical curse in the form of a black, ominous, bullet. ]

[ Yep, already on it. He's doing what he does best, trying to get to as safe a place as possible. Though "safe" doesn't seem likely to exist at all here, it's for sure better just to run than to try and help where he would be useless. Not that he would help either way.

But OH MY GOD HOW DID SHE DO THAT?!

That's when he slips on some ice and goes right down, staring at her in shock while he tries to get back on his feet again. ]

Gandr!

[ She shoots her offensive spell with a yell, shooting multiple bullets in the direction of the reindeer. Even though Rin doesn't need to say it, it's mostly a warning to any passerby. On a normal basis, she wouldn't even bother -- if a non-magus saw her, after all, she'd have to kill them.

But enough about formalities. She won't let up the attack as she dives right towards them, getting closer within proximity so she can kill them a lot faster, and with a lot more strength. But they're dead soon enough, which causes Rin to sigh in relief as she wipes her brow, turning on her heel to the guy she just yelled at. ]

... Are you alright?

No. Those... Those beasts just tried to murder me!

[ Is he supposed to get used to the murder attempts now or what? Isn't Nitta more than enough? Oh god oh god oh god he just saw her kill said beasts, and that's freaky as hell. ]

Well, that much is obvious.

[ There's a shrug that comes off of her shoulders, as if she doesn't care. It's not as if they're actual people, so it's not that big of a deal.

At least, it's not for her. ]

But they won't do it anymore, so you should at least thank me for saving you.

Uh... [ Is it time to run from her this time? Or maybe play a different card? Yeah, he can go for thankful, even if it's just to use her to protect himself. ]

Of course. Th-thank you.

[ At least the fear in his eyes is real, and he's a good actor. Not that he really needs to lie about being thankful she saved him though. ]

...

[ And there's a sigh, almost as if she can see right through him. ]

Why are you so scared? I don't plan on fighting any unnecessary battles, and I have no need to hurt you, either. [ She shakes her head, as if she had seen this coming. This is why a magus never shows her ability... ]

[ He's a weak, backstabbing jerk with no real friends, of course he's going to be worried. He doesn't trust anyone, even if she's saved him. ]

Right. I know that, sure, alright.