ioculus | //TESTDRIVE5.0.EXE

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!test drive

//TESTDRIVE5.0.EXE

Let it Go, Let it ~~Fucking~~ Go Already

Let's keep pretending it's not technically October in the game while Yuletide thoughts continue to spread through CERES. Inspired by recent tragic events, your friendly neighborhood programmer, Elias (

serritor) has constructed a wonderful new ice world to be accessed through ViViD, the popular virtual simulator.

As expected, this is a world covered in ice all over with a chill that bores into one's bones as players wander through. In the midst of it all lies a beautiful reconstruction of a mall, complete with various stores to suit your online shopping needs. However, before you can indulge in any spending, you're tasked with a mission should you choose to accept. You will have to enter the frost-covered mall which hosts a large, elaborate labyrinth and complete all the objectives as they're given to you and your party.

It seems that some horrible foe has arisen from the great beyond to kidnap Santa Bot (no relation to the futurama one). Unable to deliver toys and goods to the poor, needy adults of Cerealia, it's up to YOU to save him from a variety of enemies which include:

a.) Nasty, foul-mouthed elves
b.) A rabid flock of reindeer
c.) An ice queen who will not stop singing
d.) And a fucking minotaur. Why? Why not?

"Ho ho ho! And seasons greetings, players! I am Julius Vincere, the CEO of CERES, and I must apologize for a few recent temperature modifications as of late. But we were able to fix that small glitch quickly. We were only hoping to cool things down by a few degrees after we received a few complaints about overheating equipment. It seems our robots went a bit overboard with our dome, which is a safety precaution we put in place in the event of an outside threat or invasion. There's no need to fear, and we hope you enjoyed warming up with one another in the meantime.

Now, that that's behind us, let's have a little fun, shall we? I think some of you are familiar with the concept back in your home worlds. I observed enough to know that it's a pretty ostentatious holiday. That's why I asked my dear programmer, Elias, to build a simulation so we can experience a little bit of Christmas together. You can say it's a dress rehearsal for the real thing.

Anyway, if you all would be so kind as to sample this world and tell me how it goes. I want to see what you all think and get you all in the festive mood. Consider this my deep apology for one mistake too many. We won't allow it to happen again."

//SCENARIOS.EXE

PHASE I

[ 0000 ] Let the games begin! You're dropped before a giant forest with snow-covered trees, and in your path to reach the mall, there appears your first threat. They look cute and sweet -innocent little elves that smile and blush in your direction. They barely reach up to your chest and look up at you with big, glassy eyes as they promise to help you along your way. Little hands will grab yours, tugging you along. That is, until you're far enough along that you're deep in the midst of the forest where they decide to chip at a lake of frozen ice and chuck you inside.

They will then criticize your clothes, call you a piece of reindeer shit, tell you your ass is too fat then call your mother a whore. Because that's just how they roll. Here's your chance to fight back, get vengeance, and force the elves to tell you where Santa is. Those who manage to beat them into submission will be pointed in the right direction to the mall. Those who don't, have fun drowning in icy water!

PHASE II

[ 0000 ] Once you've escaped the elves, another trial appears. This time, it's in the form of twelve savage reindeer with blood dribbling from their lips. Their eyes are all an eerie shade of red, and they're staring at you deeply as though they can see into your soul. If you hope to get into that mall, you'll have to fight them down and avoid being caught in their antlers. There will be lots of bucking. Copious buckings. Kill the reindeer and remove their antlers for a special gift! (it's a coupon for a free McCERES burger.)

PHASE III

[ 0000 ] Once you reach the entrance of the mall, you'll be confronted with the icy labyrinth, guarded by a minotaur. He is large and in charge and will probably try to mow you down once he sees you. None of your weapons or magic will work, though. To pacify this beast, you will have to hug him. He requires a hug with feeling. He will tell you as much when you confront him. Give him a good squeeze then let him be. Love can cure many things!

PHASE IV

[ 0000 ] Are you done running around this maze of a mall? Tired of seeing the same Vidia's Secret store a dozen times? Alas, there is one last trial. It comes in the form of obnoxious carols being crooned in your direction by a beautiful ice queen. She's beckoning you to her with a siren song in the form of merry Christmas music, luring you in little by little and making you walk towards her while she tries to enchant you. She'll lean in close and whisper the rest of the song in your ear, and once you're in her trance, you'll turn on your own friends and party members to try and kill them. To avoid being drawn into her trance, you'll have to be knocked around a few times to regain your bearings. Then, it's either destroy her or be subjected to her ice magic. However, before she dies, she'll look deep into your eyes and beg you to save her and not to forget her.

She needs you.

Once you defeat her, Santa Bot will appear to dance a merry jig in your honor and shower you with credits. Hooray!

BONUS

[ whyo'clock ] You can't escape Christmas without a random sprig of mistletoe floating around your head and following you around. For those who try to escape, the mistletoe bot will only move all the quicker. Those caught under its insistent floating will be compelled to kiss a neighbor or two or ten. Or even kiss the minotaur. What we're saying is you should probably run.

[ Remember to apply proper warnings on threads with trigger-y or inappropriate material and do let a mod know if your thread careens off into maiming or canoodling so we can lock the meme. ]

//RUN.EXE

Welcome to CEREALIA's fifth Test Drive Meme. For your convenience, we have compiled a post detailing everyone's arrival experience and a FAQ that should explain everything in more detail. Please read them thoroughly before playing. Thank you!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ Beanie? Tsun? Cook? He sounds like a Shinjiro Lite. Minako blinks one last time; she's still tired, but it's not that obvious (at least, she likes to think so) anymore. The Santa bot continues to shower them with credits. ]

Er, well, we can buy ingredients with all these... um, this is money, right? [ picking up a bunch of credits closest to her ] Sukiyaki sounds perfect for a time like this.

[ Is he Lite because he's shorter? It's because he's shorter, isn't it!? ]

Yeah. Yeah... 'cause it's. Winter.

[ He's not moving. Too cold. Too nervous. ]

[ No, of course not— (maybe), but uh. If they're going to make sukiyaki, then someone should stop questioning his life choices on the cold floor. ]

Right. [ Wobbly gets up, gonna grab his shoulders and attempts to pull him up. ] C'mon, let's go, I'm new here and I don't know where the good stores are, so don't act like a lump on the ground!

[ She was one... and then food brought her back. Well, the thought of food. ]

[ Wow, it's like food is the way to a woman's heart or something. He didn't know! At Minako's touch, he pulls away, opting to push himself up instead. ]

I got it, I got it!

[ He smooths his clothes over, using the action as an excuse to stay silent for a while longer. ]

... I'm Yata.

[ Who doesn't want food? And wow, he's pretty much doing the cool guy act. Why does it feel familiar... ~~Because he's Shinjiro Lite~~

And of course she doesn't catch his name—he said it too quietly! ]

...You're who? Sorry, I didn't catch that. But hey, we're doing introductions, so I should do mine. I'm Minako, Minako Arisato. Nice to meetcha!

[ shoujo sparkles at ]

[ It's too bright... He has to bow his head a little and look away. ]

Arisato. ... Yata.

[ You will follow the light, lost lamb of God— ]

Arisato's too formal; call me Minako, Yata-kun! [ She doesn't know he's older... he looks like her age anyway. ] And let's gooo. Remember you said you'd make sukiyaki!

[ you said, Yata ]

[ Yata-kun. ]

Ah... but... Mm.

[ He only wanted to eat sukiyaki with friends. Um. Well, she looks nice. Reluctantly, he follows. ]

Mi-Minako-san. Sukiyaki...

[ He's a broken record. ]

Edited 2014-12-04 06:17 (UTC)

[ Sometimes Minako plays dumb, sometimes she doesn't: it just kind of depends on who she's talking to. Right now, she's talking to a guy who, kind of woke her up when he kicked her leg and talked about getting sukiyaki and is now looking like a flustered mess.

She stops walking to give Yata some sort of look, no emotion visible on her face. After a few seconds, though, she gives him a gentle smile. ]

You seem nervous. Was I too loud or overbearing?

[ His eyes widen in surprise. Was he giving her that impression? It never crossed his mind. Waving his hands in frantic circles, he does his best to reassure her. ]

No! No, you weren't doing nothin', I... I just didn't think you wanted sukiyaki too. Ah! I-I mean, if you want some, then...

[ Two things: one, aw, he's kinda cute; two, okay, so maybe nervous wasn't quite right. Fidgety? Shy? Probably shy, he looks like he's leaning towards shy, anyway. ]

Yeah, I do. Do they have restaurants here that have it or do we have to make it ourselves? We got a lot of money saving Santa; we should use it.

[ A deep breath, a hand in his pocket and a sidewards glance. ]

Restaurants have it... [ Splurging all this money for a change doesn't sound too bad. ]

[ She steps to the side to let him go first. He seems to know this place better than her. ]

Lead on, Yata-kun. I'll follow, 'kay?

[ And observe. You're an interesting guy, bird-kun. ]

Okay. You might get lost, so... stay close!

[ With that, he leads the way. He'd cook, but he's tired... At least this girl seems like a kind person. ]

[ Stay close, huh? Minako can do that. Like, walking next to him and reaching for his arm. ]

This close?

[ what a tease ]

[ Color fills his cheeks and he TURNS AWAY SO FAST. ]

That's too close!?

[ His heart is about to beat right out of his chest, leave him alone. ]

[ Minako wants to say sorry but she's not and she's just laughing (i'm sorry) and letting go, but she'll be walking alongside him, not touching anything else. ]

Sorry, sorry! Didn't think you'd be easy to tease. [ So, he's shy around... what, girls? He's so different from all the guys at Gekkoukan (some are creepy, some try too hard, some just do not know to deal) ]

Have you been here long, Yata-kun?

Tch... [ He mumbles something incomprehensible in his defeat. Everyone's a comedian! No, wait, since she laughed, doesn't that make him the comedian? ...Whatever! He looks ahead, not even sparing Minako a glance. ]

A month. It's October.

[ It also means she likes you, so Minako's gonna go for small talk. ]

Really? I thought it was December, what with the mission to find the Santa bot. [ Oh wait, wasn't there something about a dress rehearsal? ] Hmmm, maybe they're compensating for something...

Compensating for their bullshit, maybe.

[ Wait, shit. Yata's too used to sassing people that he couldn't help but talk to her. He told himself he wouldn't! His shoulders stiffen, then he presses onward. ]

Last time they really made it snow was no joke.

[ Junpei says shit all the time, this is nothing new for her. (Maybe.) ]

Like an actual snowstorm? That's crazy!

Nah, it wasn't a storm, but [ They could have froze to death. ] it wasn't pretty.

I ain't seen nothing myself yet, but it sounds like some dangerous stuff happens around these parts. [ He rubs the space under his nose, hesitant. ] So... I really mean it when I say "be careful".

[ Danger is her middle name. ]

I'll keep that in mind! I may not look like it, but I'm resilient.

[ She'll heed his advice, though! Even if she's heard it all before, and may have said the same thing to her friends during operations. ]

Mm.

[ Her confidence is good to know. The conversation fills with dead air after that... until he gets the courage to speak up again. ]

You got like, um. P-powers or something?

[ Oh, Yata has powers? Color her excited. ]

Yeah, you got them, too? I can show you if you show me yours, Yata-kun.

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