ioculus | //TESTDRIVE5.0.EXE

//TESTDRIVE5.0.EXE

Let it Go, Let it ~~Fucking~~ Go Already

Let's keep pretending it's not technically October in the game while Yuletide thoughts continue to spread through CERES. Inspired by recent tragic events, your friendly neighborhood programmer, Elias (

serritor) has constructed a wonderful new ice world to be accessed through ViViD, the popular virtual simulator.

As expected, this is a world covered in ice all over with a chill that bores into one's bones as players wander through. In the midst of it all lies a beautiful reconstruction of a mall, complete with various stores to suit your online shopping needs. However, before you can indulge in any spending, you're tasked with a mission should you choose to accept. You will have to enter the frost-covered mall which hosts a large, elaborate labyrinth and complete all the objectives as they're given to you and your party.

It seems that some horrible foe has arisen from the great beyond to kidnap Santa Bot (no relation to the futurama one). Unable to deliver toys and goods to the poor, needy adults of Cerealia, it's up to YOU to save him from a variety of enemies which include:

a.) Nasty, foul-mouthed elves
b.) A rabid flock of reindeer
c.) An ice queen who will not stop singing
d.) And a fucking minotaur. Why? Why not?

"Ho ho ho! And seasons greetings, players! I am Julius Vincere, the CEO of CERES, and I must apologize for a few recent temperature modifications as of late. But we were able to fix that small glitch quickly. We were only hoping to cool things down by a few degrees after we received a few complaints about overheating equipment. It seems our robots went a bit overboard with our dome, which is a safety precaution we put in place in the event of an outside threat or invasion. There's no need to fear, and we hope you enjoyed warming up with one another in the meantime.

Now, that that's behind us, let's have a little fun, shall we? I think some of you are familiar with the concept back in your home worlds. I observed enough to know that it's a pretty ostentatious holiday. That's why I asked my dear programmer, Elias, to build a simulation so we can experience a little bit of Christmas together. You can say it's a dress rehearsal for the real thing.

Anyway, if you all would be so kind as to sample this world and tell me how it goes. I want to see what you all think and get you all in the festive mood. Consider this my deep apology for one mistake too many. We won't allow it to happen again."

//SCENARIOS.EXE

PHASE I

[ 0000 ] Let the games begin! You're dropped before a giant forest with snow-covered trees, and in your path to reach the mall, there appears your first threat. They look cute and sweet -innocent little elves that smile and blush in your direction. They barely reach up to your chest and look up at you with big, glassy eyes as they promise to help you along your way. Little hands will grab yours, tugging you along. That is, until you're far enough along that you're deep in the midst of the forest where they decide to chip at a lake of frozen ice and chuck you inside.

They will then criticize your clothes, call you a piece of reindeer shit, tell you your ass is too fat then call your mother a whore. Because that's just how they roll. Here's your chance to fight back, get vengeance, and force the elves to tell you where Santa is. Those who manage to beat them into submission will be pointed in the right direction to the mall. Those who don't, have fun drowning in icy water!

PHASE II

[ 0000 ] Once you've escaped the elves, another trial appears. This time, it's in the form of twelve savage reindeer with blood dribbling from their lips. Their eyes are all an eerie shade of red, and they're staring at you deeply as though they can see into your soul. If you hope to get into that mall, you'll have to fight them down and avoid being caught in their antlers. There will be lots of bucking. Copious buckings. Kill the reindeer and remove their antlers for a special gift! (it's a coupon for a free McCERES burger.)

PHASE III

[ 0000 ] Once you reach the entrance of the mall, you'll be confronted with the icy labyrinth, guarded by a minotaur. He is large and in charge and will probably try to mow you down once he sees you. None of your weapons or magic will work, though. To pacify this beast, you will have to hug him. He requires a hug with feeling. He will tell you as much when you confront him. Give him a good squeeze then let him be. Love can cure many things!

PHASE IV

[ 0000 ] Are you done running around this maze of a mall? Tired of seeing the same Vidia's Secret store a dozen times? Alas, there is one last trial. It comes in the form of obnoxious carols being crooned in your direction by a beautiful ice queen. She's beckoning you to her with a siren song in the form of merry Christmas music, luring you in little by little and making you walk towards her while she tries to enchant you. She'll lean in close and whisper the rest of the song in your ear, and once you're in her trance, you'll turn on your own friends and party members to try and kill them. To avoid being drawn into her trance, you'll have to be knocked around a few times to regain your bearings. Then, it's either destroy her or be subjected to her ice magic. However, before she dies, she'll look deep into your eyes and beg you to save her and not to forget her.

She needs you.

Once you defeat her, Santa Bot will appear to dance a merry jig in your honor and shower you with credits. Hooray!

BONUS

[ whyo'clock ] You can't escape Christmas without a random sprig of mistletoe floating around your head and following you around. For those who try to escape, the mistletoe bot will only move all the quicker. Those caught under its insistent floating will be compelled to kiss a neighbor or two or ten. Or even kiss the minotaur. What we're saying is you should probably run.

[ Remember to apply proper warnings on threads with trigger-y or inappropriate material and do let a mod know if your thread careens off into maiming or canoodling so we can lock the meme. ]

//RUN.EXE

Welcome to CEREALIA's fifth Test Drive Meme. For your convenience, we have compiled a post detailing everyone's arrival experience and a FAQ that should explain everything in more detail. Please read them thoroughly before playing. Thank you!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ no don't shoot yourself in front of Yata THAT IS HIS WORST FEAR ]

WAIT—

[ Time seems to slow down as he reaches out for her wrist, but before he can even come close, a large monster appears before them. It renders him speechless. Is it a demon? He doesn't even know how scared he should be. ]

Whaddya think? [ She looks too pleased with her summoning. ] Cool, huh? This is Satan, by the way. Your turn, Yata-kun.

[ You can do it, even if there's a giant six-breasted thing floating above her. ]

Edited (ipad tagging) 2014-12-05 12:50 (UTC)

WAAAAAAAAIT!

How do you expect me to relax after being told something like that, aah? Why can you summon a demon!? Why does it have six!? [ No, that part's not important... ]

[ Oh, she never thought of that. Hmm, she's not the best person to explain all this, but she'll give it a shot. ]

Well, for starters, it's a Persona, not a demon. [ Don't listen to those devil summoner people ] And a Persona is basically you, it's a "mask" to use when you face extreme hardship. All of us have that, but not many people have the potential to have that mask manifest. Satan's not the only one in my head.

[ six what now? ]

Six what?

Nothing.

[ He can't even say the word "breasts" so it's better if they just forget it. He puts his hands behind his head, looking up at Satan looming over them. ]

I don't really get it, but it sounds pretty cool... Summon another!

Er, I can't.

[ Well, she can, but she has to dismiss Satan first, which she does with a little mental nudge and he disappears into the same blue fog he appeared in. ]

Wait, no, I can but it's exhausting to do...

[ Anyway, wasn't Yata supposed to show his powers, too? ]

Yata-kun, your turn!

Huh? Oh, yeah...

[ He faces back toward her. If she can't see his face, maybe it will help ease his nervousness? And it actually does! ... A little.

Two seconds later, his entire body is instantly engulfed in red flames. ]

Edited 2014-12-07 12:05 (UTC)

[ !?

First off, this is the first time she's ever seen this. Second, this is fucking cool. Third: how is he doing that!!! ]

Oh my god. How are you— [ She is at a loss. That is how amazed she is okay ] You're like a human Persona!

[ zing ]

[ Yes, feed his ego. He smirks and chuckles at Minako's disbelief, looking at her from the corner of his eye. ]

I dunno a thing 'bout Personas or whatever, but... they call me the legendary Yatagarasu!

[ ZING ]

Edited 2014-12-07 12:26 (UTC)

[ Yatagarasu? Just like one of her Personas? What. ]

The three-legged crow...? You? But how? [ How are you on fire? How are you not screaming in pain? HOW ARE YOU ON FIRE ]

This is the Red Clan's power! HOMRA's power! [ He pumps his fist. His passion is strong!! ] This is the power Mikoto-san gave us. Don't look down on it, you hear?

[ She can literally hear the caps at the word HOMRA. And the who the hell is Mikoto? ]

... I don't think I've heard of the Red Clan.

[ Yata's lord and savior. ]

What!? [ He sputters. ] Since we're from different worlds, I guess that's fine... But remember it from now on, okay!

Different worlds? [ That's a thing? Isn't that science fiction or something? ] Huh, I never thought of it that way. But alright, I'll remember it.

[ but how can you set yourself on fire ]

But what's the Red Clan and HOMRA? And who's Mikoto-san?

HOMRA is the strongest clan [ GANG ] ever! And Mikoto-san's our [ GANG LEADER ] king! With me and Mikoto-san, HOMRA's [ A GROUP OF HOOLIGANS ] unstoppable!

[ but wow yata you are forgetting a lot of people there

Apparently, he doesn't stutter when talking about HOMRA. He's loud and proud. ]

[ Your enthusiasm is great, Yata, but. ]

But what is a clan? [ From the way Yata said the word, it doesn't connote the same meaning in her head. ] It's not like what I know, and I know clans have leaders but they're not normally called "kings".

[ And why are you guys color coded ]

[ Who knows why they're color-coded? It's a loosely-constructed urban fantasy anime, and at that, Yata sighs. He hates explaining shit. If only punches could clarify everything! ]

Kusanagi-san can explain it better than me.

[ Where are you when he needs you the most, Kusanagi-san? (In England, getting turnt.) ]

Aight... I got it. There's this thing called the Dresden Slate that chooses Kings. Each King's got a really awesome power—Mikoto-san's is the strongest, though! So anyway, like, each King can give other people their powers. Those guys become his clansmen.

[ Loose explanation from a loosely-constructed anime, got it. It makes... well, some sort of sense. Sort of. If Yata's got fire powers and this Mikoto-san is his King, it meant he had the strongest fire powers ever, and he bestows similar powers to his clansmen. ]

Huh, that's kinda neat, getting powers like that. What kind of a guy is this Mikoto-san, by the way?

[ here we go ]

[ There's a pause before he takes off his hat. ]

He's a hero. He's... [ Yata's trying to find the words, but nothing comes out for a while. ] He's really great. [ He glances at Minako to make a point. ] Really strong. [ Another pause. ] He's larger than life, y'know? Really great, yeah... I owe him a lot.

[ It's hard to talk about sometimes. ]

//TESTDRIVE5.0.EXE

yata would have been too shy to punch it

can't handle dicksona, yata?

maybe it's his insecurity talking

is his tiny

i'm not talking about yata's dick in subject headers WE ARE NOT PUTTING THIS IN YOUR APP!!

you can't make me!!!

...editing because i forgot to talk about dicks

are you ready to do mikoto tags again

i'm never ready for mikoto tags. i should just burn them all.

NO BLOOD NO BONE NO ASH NO MIKOTO TAGS

no subject

so you did make a mikoto tag

i can't run away from my fate

the consequences of playing the blessed virgin

somehow i liked talking about dicks more than mikoto

speaking of dicks who's the biggest in homra

no subject

no subject

no subject