The clock strikes twelve. The gong of the grandfather clock in the foyer tolls out the time in slightly unnecessarily obnoxious loud noises. The ambiance of this old mansion demands respect, care, awe --
Okay, no, wait, why are you even in this stupid dusty house?
No reasons are forthcoming, because everyone knows that people just end up in places like this sometimes. That's just how the narrative device works. The hows and the whys don't matter -- all that matters is that you're all here, so you'd better get cracking and start exploring, because it's not like you can leave yet.
Or ever, maybe.
 Good day, sirs and madams. Might I interest you in a nice glass of blood...y mary?
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PHASE I [ 02 15 ] All you see is white. The crash of thunder hits your ears next, punctuated by the piercing pitch of white noise in the background. After a few blinks, your vision comes back to you. Oh good, glad that you’ve joined us in the land of the living. Unlike the nondescript corpse at your feet – it looks like… a butler? Oh dear. You’ve already killed Murder Suspect Number One in most situations. How terribly ironic.
After all, who could’ve killed him but you? You might not remember, but there is definitely a murder weapon in your hand. It’s probably a knife or a poisoned glass of wine or-
Wait, is that a toaster? A full on toaster? Or maybe it’s a taser. Maybe you bludgeoned this poor guy with an entire encyclopedia. Either way, it looks like your murder weapon is a little unconventional, whether it’s a stranger’s pair of underwear or a hair curler. Are you really supposed to believe you committed a murder with these? (Yes.)
That said in the next second the double doors will be opening up. It’s pretty clear you’re not alone. Think quick!
PHASE II [ 0600 ] Exploring more around the compound, you’ll find plenty of those tall, oil portraits of people hung around the walls. When you start walking, they’re all strangers. However by the time that you feel like you’re wandering around for an hour, two hours, they might start looking a little bit more… familiar? Mom? Is that you?
You don’t have time to think about that, though. You were clearly framed! You don't’ have a motive for killing some random NPC –
“Or do you?” a portrait will ask.
Oh. Holy shit. Well it’d just be rude to leave, right? Whether you stick around for conversation or not, you’ll find that was just the beginning. The portraits are going to start grilling you. Welcome to CERES Central’s Roast of You. What was your motive? Don’t you know you should respect the servants? How would you feel if you were caught like that? Careful turning your back on them though, because if you ignore them for too long, the subjects in the portraits may just reach out and snatch you to join them in their portrait world.
At that point, the only way to get out is to swap places with some other poor, unsuspecting soul wandering around.
PHASE III [ 1045 ] You know what makes me hungry? Murder.
What’s the point of making a mansion this big anyway? Who’s even here? Either way, whether you’re looking for the kitchen to make a fine post-homicide sandwich or just trying to escape, you’ll eventually make it to a stairwell. The most finicky stairwell ever. Is that a trail of bloody footprints leading up the steps? What? No. Stop it, just climb.
Or well – don’t climb too quickly now. The staircases apparently have a mind of their own, swapping from one doorway to another. You definitely haven’t seen this before. It would seem that these stairs might even be interested in keeping you in a circle forever, no concern for whether or not you’re hungry or, god forbid, need to use the restroom.
However the portraits in the stairwell will provide a little tip: “The stairs are gossips, you know. Why don’t you tell us a little something about yourself? Make it good!”
Weirdly enough, sound advice – that is, if you’re interested in shouting out your most embarrassing secrets into the void so a mansion can keep talking shit about you. Oh well. Your alternative is just being a stair golem. There are worse fates.
PHASE IV [ 1430 ] This hall is oddly quiet.
Well, until you hear it – the soft sniffles coming from down the hall, the broken sobs. It sounds like someone’s crying. For one reason or another, your footsteps take you forward – there’s really no point in going back now after all, right? Yet as you continue to walk… walk… walk… the crying becomes louder and louder. More desperate, more despaired. In time, it’s clear that this person is wailing, screaming, “How could this happen?!”
Within the span of a breath, all the lights in the hallway go out, leaving you in pitch black.
It occurs to you then that you hear a second set of steps. When did you stop walking? A cold chill runs down your spine and you find yourself running then, despite the fact that it feels like this pitch black hallway goes on forever. The other footsteps pick up, remind you that you’re not alone. No, certainly not.
Best hope that you find some assistance soon – otherwise it looks like the Butler Association is going to ignite some righteous vigilante justice on your ass.
BONUS [ why o'clock ] You’re in the grand ballroom now, ready to present your case. Armed with a cob pipe (don’t smoke inside, it’s rude), a detective hat, and a single spotlight aimed right at you, you now have to explain how you came to the conclusion about the True Killer that is Obviously Not You. Rather, it’ll just be the character of whoever tags into this prompt – yes, you are suddenly so very sure that they’re the ones who are the ultimate mastermind of this entire game and… you’re just going to have to bullshit the reason why even if you know virtually nothing about them. It’s a dog eat dog world out there, you know?
Sorry about that.
Should you actually provide enough of a compelling case or they take pity on you, having a villainous breakdown for the sake of the plot, you’ll be awarded with a coupon that’ll give you three free scoops at your local ice cream parlor! (Note: you must buy the first two scoops in order to qualify.) Of course, if you’re not able to nail them down as the killer, you are obviously the killer yourself (citation needed).
From there, you’ll be dragged off to face your punishment: for six grueling hours you will be tickled mercilessly.
[ Remember to apply proper warnings on threads with sensitive or inappropriate material and do let a mod know if your thread careens off into maiming or canoodling so we can lock the log. ] |
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Ooh! So you're higher tech than you look, huh? [Who even let this rude shitpunk out of the punk barn, honestly.]
But yeah, that's basically what this place is. A really stupid simulation, but all of this stuff's fake. No need to worry about that guy back there, see? [The deadass one that Karl still totally killed over an affair.]
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[It's asked out of actual curiosity rather than dryness, even if he half-mumbles it to himself. PORTALS ARE RELATIVELY COMMONPLACE WHERE HE'S FROM... though the simulator may be more of a Summoners' Hall thing, what with Noel's shenanigans.
Still, at Kashuu's next words, Karl lets out a quiet sigh of relief, because it's good to know that someone didn't really die AND NO HE DIDN'T WOW.]
Is that right? I'm glad to hear that... [He pauses.] Wait, if you knew that from the beginning, then why didn't you tell me?
[... He suspects he knows exactly why, but.]
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[Karl is a WEIRD OUTLIER!!
Though he's pretty relieved since that means he doesn't have to go fullspeed ahead on the explaining things train for now...]
I wanted to see if you'd make any funny faces! ...Or play along, I guess. It can get kinda gloomy or boring around here, so you gotta make your own fun, y'know?
[At the expense of others, apparently.]
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[Things Karl somehow concludes after everything AND WOW NO U]
Yeah... but, um, I can't say I was really in a mood to joke around when I thought someone might actually be dead.
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[A NICE GUY... Karl really does need to reevaluate his standards, this is just sad. And yet Kashuu beams victoriously for some reason, apparently quite pleased?!]
I am! [No...] Anyway, that's fine. I'll forgive you for dropping the ball, but just this once! Next time you gotta play along, okay?
[That isn't how this works at all?!]
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[Karl's wincing a bit, seeing as how that's still a fairly long time, and as someone who was kind of in the middle of a multi-world crisis, he doesn't want to put said crisis on hold for any longer than he has to.
And listen... Kashuu evidently gets exasperated over having to constantly explain stuff but he does it anyway, which means he must be friendly and helpful!! If you ignore how he trolled Karl at first!!]
... We're talking about just in virtual reality situations, right?
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Some people've been here for over a year by now, I think. Maybe even two.
[As if he needs more bad news...]
Yeah, that's what I mean! No one has time to joke around when people start dying outside of the simulations.
[He says it so easily?! But it doesn't seem like he's joking this time, hm.]
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That's... That's actually kind of distressing to hear...
[Ergh.]
... And how often does that happen?
[This is like the fourth world he's been to and lots of conflict and potentially people dying in droves seems to be a constant in all of them (well, barring Elgaia, since they take all of their dying to Grand Gaia...), damn it.]
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More often than most people'd like. I mean, no one stays dead here for long even outside of this place, but death's still death.
[Even if he speaks cavalierly, it's something he treats with the appropriate amount of Seriousness in the end.]
You shouldn't ever let your guard down out there. Not too much, anyway - but don't stress out to the point where you're wound up all the time, either. Just know that bad stuff can happen without much warning.
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[First day's not exactly the best day. At other times, he's not above being light-hearted even in tense situations either... though he'd probably never go as far as to troll people the way Kashuu does, wow.]
What do you mean by "no one stays dead here for long", though? [...] And I might regret asking, but what kind of bad stuff?
... Sorry. You probably get asked this a lot, and I know you've gotta be sick of explaining things, but...
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It's fine, it's fine. I'd rather explain it to people than have a bunch of 'em wandering around not knowing what to expect. That's dangerous.
[He may age 100 years every time he has to explain what CERES is for the hundredth time, but he'd still take it over sending some rando out to die by virtue of not having enough info...]
Long story waaay way short, these guys CERES claim that all of our worlds've been destroyed by Flamines. It's looking like it might be true - no definite proof yet or anything - but if they were, the Flamines were probably hired by CERES. Complicated stuff, yeah? People're working on it but it's slow-going, which is why we've all been here for so long. An-y-way! The "you don't stay dead" part comes in 'cause we're all like... data? Backups, I guess, of the "us" that maaaybe died back in our worlds. So we're still us, but they can just pop us back outta the code if we get ourselves killed here. Make sense so far? I know it's a lot.
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[...]
... I can believe that. At the very least... yeah, I don't think I can take them at face value. Don't worry about it being a lot—I've got more experience than I'd like dealing with conspiracies.
[Especially of the "WE'RE YOUR SAVIOURS FROM WORLD DESTRUCTION lol actually no we're the ones who started it" variety...]
So it's kinda like outside of this simulation, we're still in another simulation, if they can just reboot our code? [SIMULATION-CEPTION.] What exactly should I be expecting once we get out of this place?
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[IT'S CONFUSING AND HE SURE DOESN'T 100% GET IT but he does his best.]
Uh, once you get outta here things'll probably be pretty easy to handle, actually. Nothing's going on right now... Things happen at a pace that's pretty easy to predict, but it's also smart to not rely on being able to predict 'em.
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[HE ALSO HAS NO IDEA WHERE THEY ARE he may or may not have been more focused on listening to Kashuu than paying attention to where he was leading them... oops...
Should he mention this or just pretend that he totally has this while he tries to actually have it—]
So we just live on this planet until "bad stuff" happens?
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[It's a nice break for someone who's been summoned into a war... Even if he's also eager to jump back into the war?? Being a sword makes these things difficult.]
But! Like I said, this real smart guy reminded me about complacency once. Like, it's better to have breaks, but that also makes it suuuper important to keep your guard up.
[Seems like he hasn't noticed that Karl is leading them NOWHERE just yet, either...]
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Peaceful, huh? To be honest, I'm not sure if I know what to do with downtime... Things back home kept me pretty busy.
[Sure, he's a country boy from a mostly uneventful village, but that was years ago, and he chose to leave that all behind. He enjoys breaks as much as the next person, but he gets the feeling he's going to go stir-crazy if they go on for too long (plus, too much time to himself means time that he could spend accidentally dwelling on issues, which is a no).
And shhhh, he's... totally going to figure this out... THEY'VE STUMBLED INTO A HALL OF PORTRAITS AT LEAST and as Karl hears them talking, he starts to contemplate the merits of asking them for directions...]
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You too, huh? It'll take some getting used to.
[A knowing look... Sometimes peace can be boring! It's not his fault that war is sometimes as exciting as it is awful. The loss of life is something he could certainly do without, but he loves being able to stand toe to toe against strong opponents...]
You could stop by our dojo, too! We do sparring lessons and stuff to make sure no one gets rusty.
[Meanwhile, these portraits are starting to be some RUDE SHITS... They're still talking pretty quietly, but he thinks he catches the hint of something vaguely accusatory. Rude??]
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Really? I think I will, then. Thanks for the offer!
[WOW DON'T BE RUDE, PORTRAITS... but you know what, Karl's going to own up to his failing. After glancing at the portraits, he turns to Kashuu, and with a sheepish grin:]
... But I guess I should admit now that I actually have no idea where we am. [OOPS...] You think if we ask, um... these— [he gestures to the portraits] —they might help?
[He's not optimistic about it, but still!!]
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[The true reason emerges...
THAT SAID, he warily eyes the nearest portrait, which almost seems to eye him back. That definitely earns it a displeased face from this punk.]
...Probably not, nah. But I mean, we might as well try. Hey! [TURNING TO THE NEAREST ONE.] You! How do we leave?
[Instead of answering helpfully, it just seems to gaze in Karl's direction, gently whispering murderer... Friendly.]
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[And that sure is a rude portrait. Karl will just be ignoring that comment, giving it a friendly smile as he makes his own attempt:]
We're kind of lost, so if you wouldn't mind helping us...
[Murderer... the portrait repeats not-so-gently this time. That, uh, didn't work out so well, though Karl can't say he was really expecting any differently.
TURNING TO KASHUU WITH A DEADPAN LOOK:]
Tell me that this isn't your fault somehow.
[He's joking... mostly...]
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[HE IS A SNEAKY SHIT but he's still beaming like this is a totally great offer...
Anyway, this portrait is rude and he actually feels a bit bad for poor Karl. It's okay for him to gently bully strangers, but this isn't gentle bullying?! He holds his hands up in response to the question, shaking his head.]
No way! Just calling someone a murderer isn't my style at all.
[Should that really be the main point of his argument...]
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[He's even being sincere!! Company and training, what more could you want (even if Kashuu is making him do chores).]
Right... your style involves coming up with stories about love affairs, apparently.
[Isn't that it? the portrait accuses. Isn't that why you killed him? Caught up in an affair that you decided to end—and then you made sure he kept his lips zipped by zipping them yourself...!
And then Karl just gives Kashuu a Look because are you sure you're not responsible for this somehow...]
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Kashuu's lips twitch upward into an almost-smile though, because that shit is hilarious even if this portrait's totally ripping off his 100% original headline.]
I seriously had nothing to do with it! Like, for real!
[Is he not the most believable??]
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[But he figures Kashuu can't really have had something to do with it. Maybe. He'll see once they get out.]
But since it seems like these guys have nothing useful to say, we might as well move on.
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[ie FABULOUS AT ALL TIMES, obviously. But he agrees with that sentiment and gestures Karl forward, waving the rude portrait off.]
Told you it wasn't gonna be any help. I doubt anything here will be, y'know? That's the way these places work. It's waaay annoying!
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