ioculus | //TESTDRIVE15.EXE

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!test drive

//TESTDRIVE15.EXE

//testdrive15.EXE

The clock strikes twelve. The gong of the grandfather clock in the foyer tolls out the time in slightly unnecessarily obnoxious loud noises. The ambiance of this old mansion demands respect, care, awe --

Okay, no, wait, why are you even in this stupid dusty house?

No reasons are forthcoming, because everyone knows that people just end up in places like this sometimes. That's just how the narrative device works. The hows and the whys don't matter -- all that matters is that you're all here, so you'd better get cracking and start exploring, because it's not like you can leave yet.

Or ever, maybe.

Good day, sirs and madams. Might I interest you in a nice glass of blood...y mary?

//SCENARIOS.EXE

PHASE I

[ 0215 ] All you see is white. The crash of thunder hits your ears next, punctuated by the piercing pitch of white noise in the background. After a few blinks, your vision comes back to you. Oh good, glad that you’ve joined us in the land of the living. Unlike the nondescript corpse at your feet – it looks like… a butler? Oh dear. You’ve already killed Murder Suspect Number One in most situations. How terribly ironic.

After all, who could’ve killed him but you? You might not remember, but there is definitely a murder weapon in your hand. It’s probably a knife or a poisoned glass of wine or-

Wait, is that a toaster? A full on toaster? Or maybe it’s a taser. Maybe you bludgeoned this poor guy with an entire encyclopedia. Either way, it looks like your murder weapon is a little unconventional, whether it’s a stranger’s pair of underwear or a hair curler. Are you really supposed to believe you committed a murder with these? (Yes.)

That said in the next second the double doors will be opening up. It’s pretty clear you’re not alone. Think quick!

PHASE II

[ 0600 ] Exploring more around the compound, you’ll find plenty of those tall, oil portraits of people hung around the walls. When you start walking, they’re all strangers. However by the time that you feel like you’re wandering around for an hour, two hours, they might start looking a little bit more… familiar? Mom? Is that you?

You don’t have time to think about that, though. You were clearly framed! You don't’ have a motive for killing some random NPC –

“Or do you?” a portrait will ask.

Oh. Holy shit. Well it’d just be rude to leave, right? Whether you stick around for conversation or not, you’ll find that was just the beginning. The portraits are going to start grilling you. Welcome to CERES Central’s Roast of You. What was your motive? Don’t you know you should respect the servants? How would you feel if you were caught like that? Careful turning your back on them though, because if you ignore them for too long, the subjects in the portraits may just reach out and snatch you to join them in their portrait world.

At that point, the only way to get out is to swap places with some other poor, unsuspecting soul wandering around.

PHASE III

[ 1045 ] You know what makes me hungry? Murder.

What’s the point of making a mansion this big anyway? Who’s even here? Either way, whether you’re looking for the kitchen to make a fine post-homicide sandwich or just trying to escape, you’ll eventually make it to a stairwell. The most finicky stairwell ever. Is that a trail of bloody footprints leading up the steps? What? No. Stop it, just climb.

Or well – don’t climb too quickly now. The staircases apparently have a mind of their own, swapping from one doorway to another. You definitely haven’t seen this before. It would seem that these stairs might even be interested in keeping you in a circle forever, no concern for whether or not you’re hungry or, god forbid, need to use the restroom.

However the portraits in the stairwell will provide a little tip: “The stairs are gossips, you know. Why don’t you tell us a little something about yourself? Make it good!”

Weirdly enough, sound advice – that is, if you’re interested in shouting out your most embarrassing secrets into the void so a mansion can keep talking shit about you. Oh well. Your alternative is just being a stair golem. There are worse fates.

PHASE IV

[ 1430 ] This hall is oddly quiet.

Well, until you hear it – the soft sniffles coming from down the hall, the broken sobs. It sounds like someone’s crying. For one reason or another, your footsteps take you forward – there’s really no point in going back now after all, right? Yet as you continue to walk… walk… walk… the crying becomes louder and louder. More desperate, more despaired. In time, it’s clear that this person is wailing, screaming, “How could this happen?!”

Within the span of a breath, all the lights in the hallway go out, leaving you in pitch black.

It occurs to you then that you hear a second set of steps. When did you stop walking? A cold chill runs down your spine and you find yourself running then, despite the fact that it feels like this pitch black hallway goes on forever. The other footsteps pick up, remind you that you’re not alone. No, certainly not.

Best hope that you find some assistance soon – otherwise it looks like the Butler Association is going to ignite some righteous vigilante justice on your ass.

BONUS

[ why o'clock ] You’re in the grand ballroom now, ready to present your case. Armed with a cob pipe (don’t smoke inside, it’s rude), a detective hat, and a single spotlight aimed right at you, you now have to explain how you came to the conclusion about the True Killer that is Obviously Not You. Rather, it’ll just be the character of whoever tags into this prompt – yes, you are suddenly so very sure that they’re the ones who are the ultimate mastermind of this entire game and… you’re just going to have to bullshit the reason why even if you know virtually nothing about them. It’s a dog eat dog world out there, you know?

Sorry about that.

Should you actually provide enough of a compelling case or they take pity on you, having a villainous breakdown for the sake of the plot, you’ll be awarded with a coupon that’ll give you three free scoops at your local ice cream parlor! (Note: you must buy the first two scoops in order to qualify.) Of course, if you’re not able to nail them down as the killer, you are obviously the killer yourself (citation needed).

From there, you’ll be dragged off to face your punishment: for six grueling hours you will be tickled mercilessly.

[ Remember to apply proper warnings on threads with sensitive or inappropriate material and do let a mod know if your thread careens off into maiming or canoodling so we can lock the log. ]

//RUN.EXE

Welcome to Cerealia's fifteenth Test Drive Meme. For your convenience, we have compiled a post detailing everyone's arrival experience and a FAQ that should explain everything in more detail. Please read them thoroughly before playing. Thank you!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[THANKS, KASHUU...]

... So it seems. Still, it didn't hurt to check...

[And no, a little murder is not okay?? Not that Karl really knows what's going on, though he'd understand the explanation of virtual reality if given (benefits of being from a pseudo-medieval world with crazy high tech!)—except wow, can we avoid murder anyway...]

... When you say that, it makes it seem like I'm the one who killed him.

[AND HE TOTALLY ISN'T.]

[No. There's no avoiding murder on this party train, Karl will just have to get used to it!!]

I mean, you were holding onto that book and all... And doesn't that wound there look like some blunt force trauma stuff?

[HMMM. How very suspicious...!

No, he knows Karl isn't at fault, but he's just feeling like being a punk tonight apparently.]

[Can you not, Kashuu??]

It does—you've got a good eye—but I swear I didn't... Why would I even use a book to kill someone?

... Actually, no, the better question is why I'd even kill someone in the first place! I just got here!

[Look, he's just being reasonable and trying to help??]

Sounds an awful lot like someone who's trying to backpedal at the speed of light!

[Ah, he's really just found a great target now and can't let go. That's exactly what's happening... Maybe he'll find a shred of mercy in his heart eventually, but for now, he's gotta tease.]

[HOW IS THIS HELPING]

T-That's not—! You're not exactly any less suspicious, you know...!

[HE'S-- LOOK. Just look. He's lightening the mood post-murder, clearly.]

Huuuh? What about me's suspicious, exactly? I'm not the one who was holding a super heavy book and standing over some guy that got bludgeoned to death.

[But he's turning and gesturing for this punk to follow, anyway. BYE BUTLER.]

Hey, shouldn't we—

[He glances between THE BIGGER PUNK and the dead body, because he feels like the corpse really shouldn't just be left there, at the same time that he feels like saying so would fall on deaf ears, so...

Fine, following it is. BYE BUTLER...]

... I realize this is only gonna make me sound more suspicious, but if I was gonna kill someone, why would I bludgeon him to death?

[He has a halberd!! Right in his hand!!!]

[Saying so would definitely fall on deaf ears. Kashuu clearly cares approximately 0% about poor lonely butler-kun...]

That totally does make you sound more suspicious. Like, isn't that the exact sort of thing someone would say if they were trying to get away with murder? "Oh, I didn't do it with this book! If I was gonna kill anyone I'd just stab 'em!"

[Which is totally the superior method of murder anyway. Gosh, Karl, come on!!]

[There is no superior method of murder wow CAN WE JUST NOT HAVE MURDER...]

Uh-huh... then can you explain why I'd kill him in the first place?

[since you seem to be the expert and all???]

[You can't just say "stabber no stabbing" to the sword, Karl! The world doesn't work like that!!]

Hmmm... Ooh, I know! A spurned boyfriend? Or a super juicy affair! [He splays his fingers and waves a hand across the air, like he's capturing a headline.] Caught up in a romance with a mega-hot butler until you can't carry on with the lies anymore... But! He knows way too much now, and the only way to make sure he keeps his lips zipped is to zip 'em yourself!

[It's hard to tell that he's still joking, considering how into his speculations he seems to be. Welcome to your new role as the star of a cheesy murder mystery?!]

[As Karl listens, there's a growing look of horror (or disbelief, or should I be concerned about this guy's sanity; same thing, really) on his face. Just... what??

He doesn't want this role, okay!!]

I... That's not something you should kill people over! And why do all of those have to do with romance...?

[Do you have any idea how existent Karl's love life is? Hint: non.]

Booooo. You won't play along even a little? Talk about boring!

[What's his idea of fun, good lord...

That said, after winding through a particularly tight-fitting corridor, he comes to a stop on a landing.]

—By the way, I have no idea where we're going.

[Reasons why Lugina calls him a wet blanket...]

Um... was I supposed to be "playing along"?

[Kashuu, please.

... Kashuu, please.]

Oh.

[Karl can feel himself slowly begin to regret his life choices, but you know what, he's... going to try and keep his spirits up... and all things considered, this guy hasn't been too bad aside from accusing him of murder and having a little too much fun with it, right??]

Well, don't worry about it too much, I guess. Shall I take over?

[HE IS A WET BLANKET. Lugina is 100% correct, okay.

But also, Karl should maybe consider not helping someone who playfully accused him of murder and then tried to turn it into a sordid tabloid love affair... You know, just maybe.]

You didn't have to or anything, but it would've been nice if you did. [A DRAMATIC SIGH.] ...That'd be good too, though! You lead and I'll follow, o-kay? Don't get us lost!

[Seeing as how Lugina also insults him every chance he gets, actively mocks his issues, and once badly injured him without remorse during a friendly (???) match and Karl still thinks he's Awesome... HELPING KASHUU IS NO BIG DEAL maybe. Karl will probably think he's a great guy by the end of this...! Somehow...

Though since Kashuu presently isn't doing anything questionable (kind of?), Karl manages a light smile.]

Ha... I'll keep that in mind for next time.

[Thinking about it, he doesn't really have a lot of playful friends (Grahdens aside, but Karl can't quite treat, uh, his foster dad like he would most people)... He might be a little out of his element here.]

I'll do my best, but fair warning that I'm pretty sure I don't know this place any better than you do, so no guarantees! [...] Where to, exactly?

[An exit, probably, but got to check first!]

[Ah... So Karl is just one of those Hopeless People™ in the end, huh. A TRAGEDY. Kashuu sue isn't ever one to pass up the kindness or company of strangers either, so it looks like this poor punk is going to be stuck. STUCK IN HELL.

Or at least stuck with a punk who apparently doesn't know the time or place to make "haha dead body" jokes.]

It's okay, I trust you! You seem like a real sensible guy, even if you murder butlers for love affairs. ["Next time" sure came soon.]

We just need to look for an exit portal, though.

[... NEXT TIME CAME TOO SOON what is he even supposed to say to that.]

I, uh...

[... You know what, he's just going to move on and hope that Kashuu doesn't mind.]

Portal?

[WOW, WHAT A STICK IN THE MUD--

Nah, actually, Kashuu really doesn't seem to mind. Mostly because he's used to having to be the Explains Things guy.]

Portal! Think of it like a doorway, but all fancy. It's the only way outta ViViD - and that's what this place is, by the way. You ever heard of virtual reality?

[GIVE HIM SOME TIME TO PREPARE, OKAY... OR BE LESS RIDICULOUS...]

Ah, I know what a portal is—I've travelled through plenty in my life, trust me.

[In fact, it's kind of what he did for a living: good old world-hopping through portals... Anyhow, he smiles.]

And yeah, I've been in a virtual reality simulators before, actually. [Despite looking like he's from a pseudo-medieval world... because he is from a pseudo-medieval world, just ones with robots and virtual reality, and other very medieval-esque things.] I just wasn't expecting to hear that that's the exit, instead of something like a door. So that's what this is? A simulation?

[NEITHER OF THOSE ARE VIABLE OPTIONS, FOOL!!]

Ooh! So you're higher tech than you look, huh? [Who even let this rude shitpunk out of the punk barn, honestly.]

But yeah, that's basically what this place is. A really stupid simulation, but all of this stuff's fake. No need to worry about that guy back there, see? [The deadass one that Karl still totally killed over an affair.]

Higher tech? Do I really seem like that...?

[It's asked out of actual curiosity rather than dryness, even if he half-mumbles it to himself. PORTALS ARE RELATIVELY COMMONPLACE WHERE HE'S FROM... though the simulator may be more of a Summoners' Hall thing, what with Noel's shenanigans.

Still, at Kashuu's next words, Karl lets out a quiet sigh of relief, because it's good to know that someone didn't really die AND NO HE DIDN'T WOW.]

Is that right? I'm glad to hear that... [He pauses.] Wait, if you knew that from the beginning, then why didn't you tell me?

[... He suspects he knows exactly why, but.]

Yeah! You wouldn't believe how many times I have to explain stuff like portals to people who show up here. It's not common at all for someone to be like "oh yeah that's totally normal".

[Karl is a WEIRD OUTLIER!!

Though he's pretty relieved since that means he doesn't have to go fullspeed ahead on the explaining things train for now...]

I wanted to see if you'd make any funny faces! ...Or play along, I guess. It can get kinda gloomy or boring around here, so you gotta make your own fun, y'know?

[At the expense of others, apparently.]

Sounds like you've been here for quite a while, then. [...] You're a pretty nice guy, huh?

[Things Karl somehow concludes after everything AND WOW NO U]

Yeah... but, um, I can't say I was really in a mood to joke around when I thought someone might actually be dead.

I've been here for over half a year! Not as long as some, but it's been a while.

[A NICE GUY... Karl really does need to reevaluate his standards, this is just sad. And yet Kashuu beams victoriously for some reason, apparently quite pleased?!]

I am! [No...] Anyway, that's fine. I'll forgive you for dropping the ball, but just this once! Next time you gotta play along, okay?

[That isn't how this works at all?!]

Over half a year, huh...?

[Karl's wincing a bit, seeing as how that's still a fairly long time, and as someone who was kind of in the middle of a multi-world crisis, he doesn't want to put said crisis on hold for any longer than he has to.

And listen... Kashuu evidently gets exasperated over having to constantly explain stuff but he does it anyway, which means he must be friendly and helpful!! If you ignore how he trolled Karl at first!!]

... We're talking about just in virtual reality situations, right?

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