Welcome to CERES' new dating experience -- ABOMIDate (Catchy, huh?). They've found that they're a little concerned with everyone's ability to... connect with denizens of different species, and in a place like Cerealia that is full of aliens, that's a Big Problem! After all, it's pretty clear by now that there are a lot of things about your friendly neighborhood aliens that you just know nothing about. What else do you not know? That the greeting of a Faswwg is face licking? That feathered species require mating dances to woo? That [REDACTED] needs [REDACTED] to [REDACTED]? So clearly, the way to fix this problem is...to practice dating other species!
Namely eldritch abominations! In CERES' experience, eldritch abominations really sum up the full interspecies dating way of life and provide you a variety of different species (and orifices) to enjoy.
So it's time to put on some proper music -- no, not that, that's not right. There, that's better. Anyway, time to put on some sexy background music, and woo the monster of your dreams!
 [ horrifying noises of nightmares and despair ]
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PHASE I [ 8 00 ] Welcome to the new and improved Abominable Dating, CERES’ brand new virtual dating experience! The first thing you will see will be a character select screen, because CERES wants you to get to the dating part right away. Don’t worry, there are a lot of beautiful and handsome candidates to choose from so feel free to jump right in! There’s this fellow, or this dashing lass and even a hidden character who is... not really all that hidden if they’re right there to be picked, but there you go!
You have to pick one. There’s no other option, I’m afraid.
And once you do, you’ll end up in a room with your date, dressed up in beautiful, date-like clothing. Unfortunately, everyone else who picked that date will also be in the room with you, also dressed up and prepared for dating.
This is awkward.
It gets even more awkward when your date decides that you look like a great main course. Watch out for those claws/teeth/limbs/etc! Maybe you can work together to take down your starving date, sad as that sounds.
PHASE II [ 1000 ] No dating game would be complete without stat boosting sessions. Regardless of how you feel about your current date, you’re locked into the game now (and hopefully not while covered in the blood of your date themselves, though they just come back even if you managed to kill them), and the game is picking a stat it thinks you need to work on. Either your intelligence is deplorable, your charisma is totally lacking, or your strength is at noodly-arm levels. That’s pretty bad. (It doesn’t matter what your actual intelligence, charisma or strength are, the game might be making things up at this point.)
Because of this, you’re going to be automatically tossed into a mini-game to increase those stats! This will be fun, absolutely. Nothing but Fun here in ViViD. So regardless of what the game thinks you’re lacking, it’s going to throw you into the same mini-game -- eldritch abomination make-over sessions.
You'll show up at a row of dressing rooms, each marked with a sign above the door reading NO INTELLIGENCE or NO STRENGTH or NO CHARISMA in bright red letters. Choosing the right one (embrace your shame) will reveal your initial date to you. They bat their eyelashes in greeting and growl out a very sultry, Will you help me, senpai?
Time to get to work!
You won’t be able to leave the mini-game until the monster is completely satisfied with its makeover, so it’s time to really tap in to your inner fashion sense. Of course, the fact that you’re all trying to apply makeup to the same monster might make this hard, but you can surely all get along, right?
Right?
PHASE III [ 1800 ] At first, you were on a date. Finally, you, your monster, candelight. Everything was going right until... well, you made a bad dialogue choice. They asked you what your favorite food was, you accidentally picked "Italian" (or maybe picked it on purpose which makes this even worse!) and then things went dark.
When you wake up, you'll find yourself in a cage. The room is dark and dank and there's no light other from the crack of a door somewhere up a flight of stairs. You're in a cage in a basement and there's a key glinting on the table right across the room there. Is it for your cage?
Welcome to the Yandere Route.
You might not actually be alone though. The cage isn't terribly big but there's enough room for someone else and if you shift around a little, you'll bump into them. Maybe you should share some woes of the eldritch horror dating experience. Maybe you should try and find a way out! Who knows? But there's one thing for sure:
You're both extremely naked.
Good luck!
PHASE IV [ 1830 ] You did it. You’ve gotten to the end of the game, or nearly. You’ve earned up enough affection points somehow. Maybe it was through the eldritch abomination following you around to trying to eat you or maybe it really, really, really liked your makeover. Maybe there was that thing and the cage and some weird pictures it took -- who knows! But now it’s time for the inevitable scene.
The confession scene.
Except... well, ViViD can’t do confession scenes very well. You'll find yourself there in the schoolyard, dressed in the appropriate school uniforms but...
For one thing, there’s a heavy shower of rose petals. A heavy shower. They’re everywhere. They might get in your mouth and face, they’re pooling around your knees, it's a rose petal flood and you're about to drown!
For another, the eldritch abomination you chose to romance is getting closer and... closer. And closer. And that sure is a lot of teeth, huh? Is it coming in for a kiss or to eat off your face? It’s... really hard to tell with all the rose petals, isn’t it?
To make matters even worse, you can’t move -- you’re locked into the scene until it comes to its proper conclusion. The game is stuck and you're here, suffering through it all. Well, you're suffering unless someone comes and rescues you, but who in the world would interrupt a touching scene like this to do that?!
BONUS [ why o'clock ] You know you have to get dressed up nicely for your date. It's an important one! Third date means third base, after all. So, you’re shoved into a closet, and surrounded by tons and tons of choices to pick from. You're spoiled for choice!
But, well... no matter what you put on, or even if you just elect to stay in your regular clothing, it changes as soon as you step out of the closet to meet your date.
Don’t worry, you look adorable.
It can’t be taken off, of course. So you’d better get comfy, because you’re going to be a pink dinosaur for your third date and... your fourth date. And your fifth. Hell, you might still be a pink dinosaur when it comes time to confess! How... cute.
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NOW I AM DONE sobs
Once he was satisfied, he turns back around to Boruto, driving his fist down into a rather vindictive bonk to the boy's head.]
YOU LITTLE ASS! If you're gonna get yourself into a fight, grow a set of balls and finish it!!
I LIE A LOT IT'S OK 1/2 for real tho
... 2/3 NOT FOR REAL LMAO SEE I TOLD YOU
no subject
But he huffs and decides to do what any preteen does - blame the 'grown up'. ]
Dumb kids don't have the power to finish off monsters. That the job of boring old guys.
no subject
[But he stops short, recognizing the look on Boruto's face.
Oh.
Oh, it was that sort of look.
Yusuke was all too familiar with this sort of tactic-- it was one he did a lot at that age, and... well, it was still one he did, even now, whenever someone was in the mood to lecture him about something. And normally, he'd sympathize! Last thing in the world he wanted to be was some naggy adult (or... young adult, anyway, he was only eighteen, so SUCK IT, HE'S NOT OLD), and having someone chew your ear off for screwing up sucked.
But dammit, this kid was going to get somebody hurt, himself included, and someone had to drill it into his head not to do that shit.
Maybe if he went about it a better way, the point would stick.
Sucking in a deep breath through his nose, he gives Boruto another bonk, but it's a kinder one, less painful and more of an exasperated tap on the head.]
Look, kid, you can't say that crap without actually trying it. How do you know that you can't? I've seen kids around your age with some crazy powers, so it's not something only us old farts can do.
I mean, what was that thing you nearly slammed me with before? That looked like it was pretty decent, bad aim aside.
no subject
I was surprised. [ Yes. Good excuse. Still. ] ... Sorry.
no subject
And maybe, in a way, he could sense that from Boruto too. Not that dealing with someone like him in that regard made him happy-- in fact, he was beginning to sympathize with Genkai a little right now. Letting out an exasperated breath, Yusuke rocked back on his heels and put his hands behind his head, ignoring the chaos in the classroom for this moment.]
Great, but so was I when I had your mess charging after me, and I still handled it. I'm not looking to be your teacher or anything, so I'll spare you the nagging, but I will tell you this-- don't throw yourself into a fight if you're gonna bolt when things get you off-guard.
But don't be sorry. Well... no, okay, be sorry for calling me boring, because that's rude as hell, but don't go apologizing for stuff you're not used to.
[And, oh, it looks like there's some very lovely 'dates' creeping in now that the two of them seem unoccupied. Yusuke nods over to them, a slight smirk on his lips.]
So, you wanna try fending these guys off? I'm not gonna blame you if you turn tail and run.