ioculus | //TESTDRIVE11.EXE

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!test drive

//TESTDRIVE11.EXE

//testdrive11.EXE

The sky is blue, the birds are singing, and it is a beautiful day to be a hero. And CERES sure knows that all of you people like to be heroes! So the new ViViD level is geared towards those who clearly have nothing better to do with their time than save people and take down villainous creatures!!

Or, well, that seems to be the intent behind the game, but it's a little... unfinished...

Welcome to CERESscape! A world dedicated to the mythical! The magical! And everything in between! You, INSERT USER INFORMATION HERE, are the hero chosen to save our world from a dire threat. Will you take up the task? Or leave us all to perish! Only you can decide our fate. Good luck, hero.

//SCENARIOS.EXE

PHASE I

[ 900 ] You open your eyes, and there is a chicken pecking at your face. It's not a very happy chicken, either, but if you can manage to fend it off, then it will be clear that you are in a village. It is... medieval-esque, in that video game sort of way; the details don’t seem too clear, but if you look to your left, there’s a cow! And to your right, a well! Ignore the clear evidence of modern technology in the buildings such as lights, gas, and 21st century plumbing; CERES is dedicated to authenticity.

Looks like the new ViViD level has finally been released, and everyone is invited to play, whether they want to or not.

The game (because this time, that's surely what it is) will start simple. Everyone begins in the same place and every NPC villager will say the same thing: to get out of here, you have to go through the caves. They’ll shove a stick at you (“take this, it’s dangerous to go alone”) and off you go, into the caves… !

Which are full of tiny rats and more chickens. They will try to fight you, but it’s really not very effective when they’re perfectly small and average (especially when everyone still has their typical powers and abilities -- CERES didn't mess with those at all this time). The caves are winding and circular and maze-like, and to make matters even worse, the only ones around are the other poor saps stuck in this situation.

But if you kill enough of the rats, you’ll get to hear the satisfying level up jingle. Congratulations! You are now level 2. It's probably satisfying just for a minute or so until you finally find your way out of those maze like caves and -- You're back in the village again. Great.

PHASE II

[ 930 ] You’re carrying a bag. No matter what you do, you can’t take it off, either; it’s stuck with you through thick and thin. But it is awfully heavy. Maybe you should actually open it and see what’s inside?

The problem is, it’s going to take a while.

The bag has clearly tapped into its true hammerspace nature; there are items for days in there, and they’re all very, very strange. You might end up covered in hats of all sorts, buried in logs as you pull out one after another, or look like you have an odd fetish for pickaxes.

Maybe there’s 1/3rd of an evil turnip, half a piece of pie and an egg.

Geez, what in the world are you supposed to do with all of that?

PHASE III

[ 1200 ] Eventually, you make it out of the caves the right way despite the harassment of the rats and chickens and the fact you'll keep perpetually getting lost. Hooray! You come out into a large, peaceful, scenic meadow, with a small river bubbling off to one side, and a house.

You'll immediately notice that there’s a bridge to cross the river, but there’s someone standing in the way of that bridge. When you approach to go past him, no matter what you try to do, you won't be able to. Asking him why he won't move will only get one thing in response -- “Bring me a fish. Cooked.”

Then he’ll shove a fishing rod at you and expect you to get to it. You can’t attack him, you can’t get past him -- looks like the only thing to do is to catch and cook that fish. Time to sit back, relax, and get to work. Or maybe you’ll team up with someone else and be the person in the house making sure that the fish gets cooked properly. For some reason, if you leave it too long it turns right into a pile of ashes.

Weirdly though, no matter how good you are at cooking or fishing usually, it’s as if you’re right back at the metaphorical level one. Any sort of seasoning or effort to cook it faster falls flat and in the end you'll only be able to place the fish in the pan and set it on the stove, whole. This may take awhile.

And if you try to cross the river itself, well... no, really, don’t try to cross the river.

At least if you get eaten, you’ll just respawn back in the village, but do have fun traveling through the caves again!

PHASE IV

[ 1430 ] You made it through the caves. You made it across the river (with a slightly burnt fish). You’ve made it to the wide open world, and you can finally adventure to your heart’s content. You take a step forward on the road and --

A message pops up, bright red and in your face.

[ Restricted Area: Members Only ]

No matter what you do, you can’t go past that point. In fact, if you’re not careful and you’re going too fast, you might run face-first into it like it’s an invisible wall (which it is).

Then, just like that, you're back in the village. Again. Only this time, there's a nice, blinking message -- Pay a small subscription fee to access member's content. Oh well. No big deal, you can just start again.

Except then you see a cool sword and when you try to pick it up, you'll get that same message, and end up transported back to the village yet again. And again, with some shiny new armor. And again, with that attention-grabbing NPC over there. Looks like you're caught in an infinite loop here but no matter how much you inspect the pop up, there's no... actual way to pay the subscription fee (and why would you want to?). But at least you have company, because you can't be the only person who thought that sword was cool.

(It was really, really cool.)

BONUS

[ xxxx ] What’s that on the ground in front of you? It looks like… some bunny ears? Or maybe it’s a chicken head, or a pumpkin head. Either way, the moment you touch it, you have a strong need to put it on your head -- and once it’s on, it’s not coming off.

To make matters worse, each hat has an effect associated with it; the bunny ears will, in fact, randomly turn you into a cute fluffy bunny for anywhere from 5 minutes to an hour before you pop right back to yourself, whereas the pumpkin hat will, in a complete reversal, turn you into Cinderella for a bit -- complete with beautiful ball gown and the ability to talk to all of those cute fluffy bunnies.

Also the rats will love you, so maybe you should go back to the caves again.

Meanwhile, the chicken hat won't transform you into any odd creature, but it will inspire in the people wearing them a very real, persistent desire to build a nest. This will involve picking up twigs, trash, shiny things and whatever else catches your eye to try to build a nest out of it. You'll also try to pick up whatever food you find on the ground to eat, have the weirdest desire to lay an egg, and basically have all sorts of odd chicken-like instincts inflicted upon you.

At least you look festive!

[ Remember to apply proper warnings on threads with sensitive or inappropriate material and do let a mod know if your thread careens off into maiming or canoodling so we can lock the log. ]

//RUN.EXE

Welcome to CEREALIA's Eleventh Test Drive Meme. For your convenience, we have compiled a post detailing everyone's arrival experience and a FAQ that should explain everything in more detail. Please read them thoroughly before playing. Thank you!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

PHASE I:
[ YATAGARASU, the hero, is on his intrepid adventure to get out of this cave safely. with his stick, he's turned into a torch with his red aura, and for any fighting, he uses his skateboard. so anybody who's in the same cave as him may find some punk in an awful red puffy coat and a beret with a bill (he looks awful) jumping around and beating chickens up. (sorry, chickens.)

or you can find this sad sob slowly kicking his skateboard as he traverses through the cave, screaming: ]

Who's- Who's there?! [ YOU'RE NOT A GHOST, ARE YOU? HE'S GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS. or just cry in a corner because he can't do anything when ghosts are involved. ]

PHASE III:
Fucking hell. First they make me go through that damn cave, now they want me to cook? What kind of game is this?

[ despite his complaints, he ends up grabbing the damn rod and heading to the river, anyway. and just like the idiot that he is, he ends up tripping face first into the water. good job, misaki yata. and he starts yelling at the river for being in his way and being dumb in general. he's making a lot of noise…

but eventually, when he gets up, he does manage to catch a fish, which he immediately chars with his red aura. thank you, fire powers. ]

… crap, I think I overcooked it.

[ he pinches a small piece of meat off the fish - now black - and tastes it. ]

Huh, not bad.

BONUS:
[ okay, so he was curious about the bunny ears so he decided to pick it up. he'll wear it for a couple of minutes, exploring the village without it coming off. ]

Uh… ah, [ you don't look like an NPC, so he approaches you. ] You know how to get this equipment off?

[ and then there's some smoke, and he turns into an orange bunny. why this… ]

Hey! What the hell?!

Edited 2015-11-01 03:25 (UTC)

[There are probably a lot of things that could make this more irritating; another idiot trying to give him a stick to protect himself with, even more vermin in his way, admitting that he's lost... Yata screaming like a little girl.

Yup, that will certainly do it. With a roll of his eyes, he rounds the corner to see Yata being, well, himself, and failing to do anything useful at all. Typical.]

What makes you think screeching at everything is going to solve any problems?

[ that voice.... damn him! yata hisses under his breath when he hears saruhiko, but doesn't say anything first. he has to make sure it's him first by moving his torch towards the other boy's direction.

yeah, okay, it's him.

time to party. ]

Heh! Don't be an idiot. [ YATA... ] If someone needs my help, then I'll be there to rescue them.

[ so THAT'S why he was screeching like a baby bird. ]

[Well, this is already going about how he expected. He has enough sense not to look directly at the flame when the torch is waved at his face, but he still clicks his tongue in irritation. All Fushimi wants is to make it out of this cave with as little hassle as possible, and it's not looking promising.]

Who would want to be rescued by someone that can't even handle a simple cave? You're the one that probably needs rescuing, Misaki.

[Not that he's volunteering to do it, of course. He would just as soon wander through the entire cave system alone.]

You don't think I can handle this?

[ he glowers at him, seething under his breath. ]

I bet I can get out of here faster than you can.

It isn't a competition, and even if it were, it would be pointless.

[He says that, but he's pushing on by and continuing on his way.]

You'd just get even more lost and lose, anyway.

misaki yata | k project

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