ioculus | //TESTDRIVE7.0.EXE

//TESTDRIVE7.0.EXE

Mystery Science Theatre -3000

Welcome to Cerealia's latest attraction. In an effort to branch into other forms of entertainment, CERES has been slowly patching together films from various worlds to show in its brand new movie theater. So, grab a friend, sit back, and enjoy the newest batch of imported films with a nice bucket of popcorn. As you'll notice from the long line outside, it's the latest rage in the colony, and those tired of the same virtual battles in ViViD are eager to enjoy a little change in scenery.

For those eager to participate, you will find yourself being lead into the lobby by one of the many robotic theater employees. Showing today are five special films, and in the lobbies are various screens advertising them through the movie's digital avatar, Mnemosyne. Allow her to take you on a virtual tour of CERES' finest theatrical offerings.

(( P.S. no actual actors/actresses appear in any of the films. It's all done through advanced CGi-technology and voice acting. ))

"GOOD EVENING, MOVIE-GOERS. I AM MNEMOSYNE, YOUR GUIDE FOR THIS EVENING.

AS YOU CAN SEE, WE HAVE SEVERAL CONCESSIONS FOR YOU. PLEASE PARTAKE IN THE CONCESSIONS, BUT DO NOT MAKE A MESS. THE THEATER ROBOTS HAVE BEEN PROGRAMMED TO TAKE ACTION FOR LITTERING.

TONIGHT'S FILMS ARE THE MUCH LAUDED AND CRITICALLY ACCLAIMED FILMS HAND-PICKED BY JULIUS VINCERE:

MY PETITE EQUESTRIAN EXPERIENCE RATED A

LARGE ADVENTURER 7 RATED B

THE RETALIATORS: ERA OF RADICALON RATED C

DECEASE HARDER II RATED D

YARD-DOOR PEOPLE OF QUESTIONABLE MORALS RATED Z

PLEASE MAKE YOUR SELECTION AT THE BOOTHS IN THE FRONT OF THE LOBBY THEN FOLLOW THE DIRECTIONS TO THE APPROPRIATE THEATER. THANK YOU AND ENJOY YOUR EVENING."

//SCENARIOS.EXE

THEATER I

[ 0000 ] MY PETITE EQUESTRIAN EXPERIENCE - RATED A

Advertised as a delightful tale of ponies discovering magic and friendship, this is a must-see! For adults that is. The ponies are killed within the first ten minutes, and then the rest of the run time is filled with a celebratory orgy of Roman-esque proportions. There are no mentions of ponies after the initial scene. They are neither seen nor mourned nor heard from. There are only naked, gyrating bodies as far as the eye can see.

If you manage to sit through the horror long enough, you will notice a certain something in between the moaning. Is that your face on one of the protags? Is it a beloved family member or a friend? You will find that spliced between the scenes are cherished and innocent childish memories now being soiled by passionate cries of pleasure. Enjoy the new memory, your poor, sweet summer child. This will only be visible to the viewer himself/herself.

THEATER II

[ 0000 ] LARGE ADVENTURER 7 - RATED B

A touching tale of dealing with loss and more loss. This film is about a giant robot and his pet human that gets eradicated in the Third Robotic Genocide, leaving behind just a human carcass. The giant robot clings to the carcass and cries robotic tears until finally he chucks the carcass into a river full of carcasses and decides to go on a deep quest in search of cheese.

But spliced between this tale of woe, viewers will see images of themselves caught in a romantic memory. A first kiss, perhaps? A first love-making session? A first crush? A desired one will also have their face molded on top of all the carcasses as they flow away. This will only be visible to the viewer himself/herself.

THEATER III

[ 0000 ] THE RETALIATORS: ERA OF RADICALON - RATED C

Agent Dick Angry takes it upon himself to assemble a team of miscreant aliens to invade the hell out of "Planet Earth." The aliens include Zorn, an intelligent toaster; Crisis, a blue-skinned beauty that turns purple when she's aroused; Trish, a rogue miniature ficus with a criminal record; and General Cerealia, a handsome, ripped man who beats evil-doers with his laptop and who looks suspiciously like CERES' programmer, Elias.

This adventurous romp will feature the tragic memories of death interweaving with the destruction of the "Planet Earth." Those who attend will see first-hand the memories of their own worlds slowly being demolished before their eyes and all their loved ones screaming in agony. Then it'll loop itself again and again for the last hour of the film. Enjoy! This will only be visible to the viewer himself/herself.

THEATER IV

[ 0000 ] DECEASE HARDER II - RATED D

Jack McJack is a cop who is having none of your shit. In this action film, he will ride around on a velociraptor and go around punching evil-doers and detonating them with land mines. If you want all the violence in the world, this is the film for you. Watch as every second is filled with pointless explosions and every curse word in all the known languages in Cerealia.

Of course, spliced between every action scene will be every embarrassing moment of your life being played out for you and only you. Or is it? Start sweating and looking in every direction as you begin to wonder if everyone else can see that time you tripped and fell on your senpai almost kissing him (sacre bleu D= !)

BONUS - THEATER V

[ whyo'clock ] YARD-DOOR PEOPLE OF QUESTIONABLE MORALS - RATED Z

This is a touching film about tenderness and coming together to overcome obstacles and achieve greatness. The Yard-Door people run into danger when an evil megalord starts polluting the air with negative feelings. The Yard-Door people must band together and save the world through kindness. They will go and help their neighbors get across the street, rake up leaves from their lawns, donate canned food to the poor, and collect toys for children who do not have any.

While this film will draw tears from your eyes, you will see happy memories. The happiest that can be mustered. They will be spliced in with the scenes in the movie, occurring side-by-side with all the smiles and fuzzy feelings leaking off the screens. This will only be visible to the viewer himself/herself.

Also, beware! This film contains the angriest of Theater Cleaning Robots. Dropping anything on the floor will result in a bit of a flogging with a wooden paddle and a robot calling you a dirty slut and claiming that you like it. Yes, BDSM robots will not take your bad behavior. You better bend over and start apologizing for being such a filthy, little theater-goer.

[ Remember to apply proper warnings on threads with trigger-y or inappropriate material and do let a mod know if your thread careens off into maiming or canoodling so we can lock the meme. ]

//RUN.EXE

Welcome to CEREALIA's seventh Test Drive Meme. For your convenience, we have compiled a post detailing everyone's arrival experience and a FAQ that should explain everything in more detail. Please read them thoroughly before playing. Thank you!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Uh-huh. [ She nods pretty excitedly, as if he'd already agreed on taking most of her stash.

In fact, she shoves a bag of licorice sticks and some gummi bears at him. ]

I bought waaay too much! I'm kinda broke now, but that's okay!

[Why is this happening. Why is he standing there holding bags of candy.

Why does everyone around him seem content to be broke.]

Is it? Is it really okay?

[ BEING BROKE IS LIFE. ]

Of course! It's already yours, mister. I hope you're not allergic to chocolate.

[IT'S NOT A GOOD LIFE THOUGH.

But he'll be pocketing the candy in his coat thank you tiny lawyer.]

Murasaki. And... thank you. I know a kid who will really appreciate this candy.

[What a polite way to refer to Nice.]

Edited 2015-03-08 18:53 (UTC)

[ Her eyes widen when he introduces himself. She's not sure how common of a name Murasaki is, but... it wouldn't hurt to ask. ]

You're not normal, are you? Do you know Nice?

[ She needs tact sometimes... ]

[WHAT. First the candy and now this. What... what has Nice been telling people...]

I-- not normal how? [Really, if she had been talking to Nice that could mean any number of things, not just that he has a Minimum.

He'll just be pinching the bridge of his nose now.]

I know him; Nice is my partner.

Woah, woah! You're here!

[ She starts jumping around and circling Murasaki while she's at it. And after a round, she stops and gives Murasaki a salute. ]

I'm Athena, his assistant! But since you're here, I think I'm fired now.

[Nice managed to con someone into being his assistant, and still managed to tell her that his partner wasn't normal. Absolutely incredible.

He has no salute to offer so she'll have to settle for him running a hand through his hair.]

I don't know if it counts as being fired if your employer was never going to pay you in the first place.

Oh, I know that.

[ She claps her hands together in excitement. Gosh, Murasaki. You think I wouldn't sign up for something without reading the fine print? ]

I think it would've been fun, anyway! He said his job was to help people and all that stuff. And, I don't get to scrub toilets!

[It's just that nobody is ever this excited about working with Nice ):]

I don't know about fun, but helping people is what we do. [Most...ly...]

[Don't ask about the toilets, don't ask about the toilets.]

What does scrubbing toilets have to do with anything?

[ YOU ASKED ABOUT THE TOILETS!!

Now she starts sobbing and shaking her fists as she cries out: ]

I'm on cleaning duty at the agency because I'm the newbie!

[Definitely should not have asked about the toilets.

And whyyyy are you making a scene at the movies.]

Well, sometimes the menial work gets passed on to you and you've just got to handle it. That's the way it is.

[ Why not? It's not like anyone else is watching the movie. ]

You're right, you're right. Someday, when I'm not the newest lawyer in town, they'll be the ones scrubbing the toilets. I'll be the one barking orders.

[ 'TIS THE DREAM. ]

[That's no reason to yell about toilets.]

There you go. It's good to have a goal for the future.

[This is hopefully a safer question:]

You said you're a lawyer?

[ Nod nod. ]

I am. Do you want proof?

[ Takes off her badge from her lapel and presents it to Murasaki. ]

Take that!

[Well that is certainly a badge and you wouldn't be the first person to look like a kid and be doing an adult job.]

I believe you. I've just never met a lawyer that had to be a janitor at the same time.

[ Laughs, then she pins her badge back on. ]

Well then! You've got to meet the rest of the lawyers at the agency!

[ ATHENA NO. YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO SOUND PROUD OF THE FACT. ]

Edited 2015-03-11 14:11 (UTC)

That might be interesting. They're the ones barking orders I take it?

[Just what kind of lawyers are running around with you, seriously.]

[ She starts poking at the moon earring on right ear. It's ... a quirk she does when she's thinking. ]

Just one, my boss. But Apollo can bark pretty loud since he's got chords of steel.

[Yep, bunch of weird lawyers.]

Chords of steel, huh? I guess it would be pretty important for a lawyer to be heard. Sounds like your work keeps you on your toes.

Uh huh! We're not regular lawyers, after all. I'm part of the Wright Anything Agency. You name anything, and we'll do it!

[ Leans in to whisper: ]

We're also a law firm.

[ Obviously, Athena... obviously. . . ]

So you're also troubleshooters.

[Well NO WONDER you were willing to work for Nice. You are the like weirdo Hamatora with law degrees.]

Yes... I assumed so... I mean, you are a lawyer.

What about you, Murasaki? Do you have a badge?

[ Of all things to ask... ]

[HA HA we can barely pay to have one table in a cafe even if we wanted badges we wouldn't be able to afford them.]

No, I don't have anything like that. It's not really our style.

Well, what's your style?

(no subject)

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