//TESTDRIVE5.0.EXE

[reparator]

//TESTDRIVE5.0.EXE Let it Go, Let it Fucking Go Already Let's keep pretending it's not technically October in the game while Yuletide thoughts continue to spread through CERES. Inspired by recent tragic events, your friendly neighborhood programmer, Elias (serritor) has constructed a wonderful new ice world to be accessed through ViViD, the popular virtual simulator. As expected, this is a world covered in ice all over with a chill that bores into one's bones as players wander through. In the midst of it all lies a beautiful reconstruction of a mall, complete with various stores to suit your online shopping needs. However, before you can indulge in any spending, you're tasked with a mission should you choose to accept. You will have to enter the frost-covered mall which hosts a large, elaborate labyrinth and complete all the objectives as they're given to you and your party. It seems that some horrible foe has arisen from the great beyond to kidnap Santa Bot (no relation to the futurama one). Unable to deliver toys and goods to the poor, needy adults of Cerealia, it's up to YOU to save him from a variety of enemies which include: a.) Nasty, foul-mouthed elves b.) A rabid flock of reindeer c.) An ice queen who will not stop singing d.) And a fucking minotaur. Why? Why not? "Ho ho ho! And seasons greetings, players! I am Julius Vincere, the CEO of CERES, and I must apologize for a few recent temperature modifications as of late. But we were able to fix that small glitch quickly. We were only hoping to cool things down by a few degrees after we received a few complaints about overheating equipment. It seems our robots went a bit overboard with our dome, which is a safety precaution we put in place in the event of an outside threat or invasion. There's no need to fear, and we hope you enjoyed warming up with one another in the meantime. Now, that that's behind us, let's have a little fun, shall we? I think some of you are familiar with the concept back in your home worlds. I observed enough to know that it's a pretty ostentatious holiday. That's why I asked my dear programmer, Elias, to build a simulation so we can experience a little bit of Christmas together. You can say it's a dress rehearsal for the real thing. Anyway, if you all would be so kind as to sample this world and tell me how it goes. I want to see what you all think and get you all in the festive mood. Consider this my deep apology for one mistake too many. We won't allow it to happen again."

//SCENARIOS.EXE PHASE I [ 0000 ] Let the games begin! You're dropped before a giant forest with snow-covered trees, and in your path to reach the mall, there appears your first threat. They look cute and sweet -innocent little elves that smile and blush in your direction. They barely reach up to your chest and look up at you with big, glassy eyes as they promise to help you along your way. Little hands will grab yours, tugging you along. That is, until you're far enough along that you're deep in the midst of the forest where they decide to chip at a lake of frozen ice and chuck you inside. They will then criticize your clothes, call you a piece of reindeer shit, tell you your ass is too fat then call your mother a whore. Because that's just how they roll. Here's your chance to fight back, get vengeance, and force the elves to tell you where Santa is. Those who manage to beat them into submission will be pointed in the right direction to the mall. Those who don't, have fun drowning in icy water! PHASE II [ 0000 ] Once you've escaped the elves, another trial appears. This time, it's in the form of twelve savage reindeer with blood dribbling from their lips. Their eyes are all an eerie shade of red, and they're staring at you deeply as though they can see into your soul. If you hope to get into that mall, you'll have to fight them down and avoid being caught in their antlers. There will be lots of bucking. Copious buckings. Kill the reindeer and remove their antlers for a special gift! (it's a coupon for a free McCERES burger.) PHASE III [ 0000 ] Once you reach the entrance of the mall, you'll be confronted with the icy labyrinth, guarded by a minotaur. He is large and in charge and will probably try to mow you down once he sees you. None of your weapons or magic will work, though. To pacify this beast, you will have to hug him. He requires a hug with feeling. He will tell you as much when you confront him. Give him a good squeeze then let him be. Love can cure many things! PHASE IV [ 0000 ] Are you done running around this maze of a mall? Tired of seeing the same Vidia's Secret store a dozen times? Alas, there is one last trial. It comes in the form of obnoxious carols being crooned in your direction by a beautiful ice queen. She's beckoning you to her with a siren song in the form of merry Christmas music, luring you in little by little and making you walk towards her while she tries to enchant you. She'll lean in close and whisper the rest of the song in your ear, and once you're in her trance, you'll turn on your own friends and party members to try and kill them. To avoid being drawn into her trance, you'll have to be knocked around a few times to regain your bearings. Then, it's either destroy her or be subjected to her ice magic. However, before she dies, she'll look deep into your eyes and beg you to save her and not to forget her. She needs you. Once you defeat her, Santa Bot will appear to dance a merry jig in your honor and shower you with credits. Hooray! BONUS [ whyo'clock ] You can't escape Christmas without a random sprig of mistletoe floating around your head and following you around. For those who try to escape, the mistletoe bot will only move all the quicker. Those caught under its insistent floating will be compelled to kiss a neighbor or two or ten. Or even kiss the minotaur. What we're saying is you should probably run. [ Remember to apply proper warnings on threads with trigger-y or inappropriate material and do let a mod know if your thread careens off into maiming or canoodling so we can lock the meme. ]

//RUN.EXE Welcome to CEREALIA's fifth Test Drive Meme. For your convenience, we have compiled a post detailing everyone's arrival experience and a FAQ that should explain everything in more detail. Please read them thoroughly before playing. Thank you!

Comments

[redsea]

[ Please, she's almost like a tourist in her own country. She shakes her head. ]

Mm... I'm afraid not.

[ Ka Koubun and the servants often said that she shouldn't sully her ears with such filth, even if she wanted to learn it. ]

Was it some sort of idiom? Or perhaps, a euphemism?

[subvert]

[listen, let's pretend that she isn't. delita... frowns. this is a dilemma, because on the one hand, this is not the sort of thing you ought to explain to a princess, and he is a knight. on the other hand, the idea that she wants to learn such things, learn how the common people speak...

that's appealing. well, it'd be more appealing if it weren't about this in particular!! but that's not really the point okay.]

... A euphemism, yes.

[is he going to have to elaborate. he doesn't seem worried or anything talking about this; from his attitude it may as well have been a reference to her hair or something similarly mundane.]

[redsea]

[ A euphemism of the common people! How delightful. Maybe it will help her talk to the maids next time. Of course, before she uses it, she has to know one thing. ]

Oh! What does it mean, Sir Delita?

[subvert]

It is a particularly... impolite euphemism, Princess.

[note that he's not actually like, explaining what it is. yet. he's sorta building up to that mostly because jesus christ you friendless loser... he's less worried about her reaction and more worried about her using the word appropriately.

i.e. not at all.]

Do you have any guesses on what it might be?

i already got accepted but idc

[redsea]

[ She's thinking... When she thinks she has it, she claps her hands. ]

Ah! Is it like "the cat's out of the bag"? Is the cat here a secret?

this thread is canon.

[subvert]

[... oh no. delita just shakes his head. he's going to have to explain this, huh. this is going to be... an amazing awkward conversation.]

Secrets do not have smells, Princess. Their meaning was... literal.

Would you prefer I tell you?

[good lord. delita is, if nothing else, educational. and if it were the sort of thing he were inclined to do, he'd feel really bad for the next group of elves they came across.]

[redsea]

[ Learning new words to impress her future fellow royal friends with is always a plus. She nods with enthusiasm. ]

I would like to know!

1/2

[subvert]

[delita glances down for just a brief moment.

what had his life come to? he'd never known his parents - they had been taken by the plague, and he had been adopted by the beoulve family and raised as one of their own; a companion to their youngest son, ramza. the two were practically inseparable, even when they went off to the academy. brothers in all but blood.

and then he'd found out that that didn't matter to most people; what mattered was that blood. ramza had noble blood, as did the rest of the beoulves; he did not. and more importantly, his sister did not, and that's why she'd gotten shot.

and he'd intended to fix that. everything had been going to plan; he was assisting the princess (and the princess seemed to ... appreciate him. maybe love him. he wasn't sure how he felt; feelings are a complicated thing. sympathy, at the very least.) he'd intended to make a world where blood was not the most important thing, only to be torn away from it pretty much at random by the most competent thing the incompetent company known as CERES had ever managed to do.

they'd fed him some story about how every universe exploded or whatever and time to fix everything from some aliens that sounds like it came out of a child's fairy tale. his fingers clenched, almost involuntarily, with the unfairness of it, the frustration mounting in him only for a moment.

was this it?

was this what his life had led up to? everything, to this moment, had led up to explaining the definition of crude words to some princess who had nothing to do with any of the problems he'd dealt with in ivalice?]

2/2

[subvert]

[yeah, pretty much.

so delita leans in, very carefully, and whispers into her ear. with ovelia he may not do this, but ovelia is much more a pure and delicate flower, and frankly, making sure kougyoku is queenlike is not his problem at this time.

and anyway, nobles should be able to communicate with commoners in their language. blur the lines between classes, etc.]

I would not repeat this around others of your rank, Princess, but it is a common and crude word for a vagina.

[#yolo bitch]

[redsea]

[ And she SLAPS HIS FACE SO HARD. ]

Oh! Oh, how... how lewd! I'm—I'm talking to those elves again!

[ Hairpin in hand, she begins marching back to the lake. ]

[subvert]

[one: she slapped him for informing her of a word, which already has him annoyed.

two: that actually hurt, which he hadn't expected from someone of her size and demeanor (though in retrospect he should have, given how she was in combat.)

three: what the fuck are you doing kougyoku.

he doesn't lose his cool - delita rarely does - but he is annoyed enough that instead of actually just like, verbally reprimanding her, he will grab her by the back of her whateverclothingonherback around the neck area and just. prevent her from going after them.

unlike koubun ka, delita is not a basic bitch.]