ioculus | //TESTDRIVE5.0.EXE

//TESTDRIVE5.0.EXE

Let it Go, Let it ~~Fucking~~ Go Already

Let's keep pretending it's not technically October in the game while Yuletide thoughts continue to spread through CERES. Inspired by recent tragic events, your friendly neighborhood programmer, Elias (

serritor) has constructed a wonderful new ice world to be accessed through ViViD, the popular virtual simulator.

As expected, this is a world covered in ice all over with a chill that bores into one's bones as players wander through. In the midst of it all lies a beautiful reconstruction of a mall, complete with various stores to suit your online shopping needs. However, before you can indulge in any spending, you're tasked with a mission should you choose to accept. You will have to enter the frost-covered mall which hosts a large, elaborate labyrinth and complete all the objectives as they're given to you and your party.

It seems that some horrible foe has arisen from the great beyond to kidnap Santa Bot (no relation to the futurama one). Unable to deliver toys and goods to the poor, needy adults of Cerealia, it's up to YOU to save him from a variety of enemies which include:

a.) Nasty, foul-mouthed elves
b.) A rabid flock of reindeer
c.) An ice queen who will not stop singing
d.) And a fucking minotaur. Why? Why not?

"Ho ho ho! And seasons greetings, players! I am Julius Vincere, the CEO of CERES, and I must apologize for a few recent temperature modifications as of late. But we were able to fix that small glitch quickly. We were only hoping to cool things down by a few degrees after we received a few complaints about overheating equipment. It seems our robots went a bit overboard with our dome, which is a safety precaution we put in place in the event of an outside threat or invasion. There's no need to fear, and we hope you enjoyed warming up with one another in the meantime.

Now, that that's behind us, let's have a little fun, shall we? I think some of you are familiar with the concept back in your home worlds. I observed enough to know that it's a pretty ostentatious holiday. That's why I asked my dear programmer, Elias, to build a simulation so we can experience a little bit of Christmas together. You can say it's a dress rehearsal for the real thing.

Anyway, if you all would be so kind as to sample this world and tell me how it goes. I want to see what you all think and get you all in the festive mood. Consider this my deep apology for one mistake too many. We won't allow it to happen again."

//SCENARIOS.EXE

PHASE I

[ 0000 ] Let the games begin! You're dropped before a giant forest with snow-covered trees, and in your path to reach the mall, there appears your first threat. They look cute and sweet -innocent little elves that smile and blush in your direction. They barely reach up to your chest and look up at you with big, glassy eyes as they promise to help you along your way. Little hands will grab yours, tugging you along. That is, until you're far enough along that you're deep in the midst of the forest where they decide to chip at a lake of frozen ice and chuck you inside.

They will then criticize your clothes, call you a piece of reindeer shit, tell you your ass is too fat then call your mother a whore. Because that's just how they roll. Here's your chance to fight back, get vengeance, and force the elves to tell you where Santa is. Those who manage to beat them into submission will be pointed in the right direction to the mall. Those who don't, have fun drowning in icy water!

PHASE II

[ 0000 ] Once you've escaped the elves, another trial appears. This time, it's in the form of twelve savage reindeer with blood dribbling from their lips. Their eyes are all an eerie shade of red, and they're staring at you deeply as though they can see into your soul. If you hope to get into that mall, you'll have to fight them down and avoid being caught in their antlers. There will be lots of bucking. Copious buckings. Kill the reindeer and remove their antlers for a special gift! (it's a coupon for a free McCERES burger.)

PHASE III

[ 0000 ] Once you reach the entrance of the mall, you'll be confronted with the icy labyrinth, guarded by a minotaur. He is large and in charge and will probably try to mow you down once he sees you. None of your weapons or magic will work, though. To pacify this beast, you will have to hug him. He requires a hug with feeling. He will tell you as much when you confront him. Give him a good squeeze then let him be. Love can cure many things!

PHASE IV

[ 0000 ] Are you done running around this maze of a mall? Tired of seeing the same Vidia's Secret store a dozen times? Alas, there is one last trial. It comes in the form of obnoxious carols being crooned in your direction by a beautiful ice queen. She's beckoning you to her with a siren song in the form of merry Christmas music, luring you in little by little and making you walk towards her while she tries to enchant you. She'll lean in close and whisper the rest of the song in your ear, and once you're in her trance, you'll turn on your own friends and party members to try and kill them. To avoid being drawn into her trance, you'll have to be knocked around a few times to regain your bearings. Then, it's either destroy her or be subjected to her ice magic. However, before she dies, she'll look deep into your eyes and beg you to save her and not to forget her.

She needs you.

Once you defeat her, Santa Bot will appear to dance a merry jig in your honor and shower you with credits. Hooray!

BONUS

[ whyo'clock ] You can't escape Christmas without a random sprig of mistletoe floating around your head and following you around. For those who try to escape, the mistletoe bot will only move all the quicker. Those caught under its insistent floating will be compelled to kiss a neighbor or two or ten. Or even kiss the minotaur. What we're saying is you should probably run.

[ Remember to apply proper warnings on threads with trigger-y or inappropriate material and do let a mod know if your thread careens off into maiming or canoodling so we can lock the meme. ]

//RUN.EXE

Welcome to CEREALIA's fifth Test Drive Meme. For your convenience, we have compiled a post detailing everyone's arrival experience and a FAQ that should explain everything in more detail. Please read them thoroughly before playing. Thank you!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

No, there's a big gap there... or else you'd have plenty of 'em.

I have enough!

[ Says the kid with like three friends total in his life. Friends who really require a lot of effort to keep from getting killed, he's honestly not sure he can handle any more friends who need saving on such a daily basis! Even tiny assassins only have so much energy and blood to lose! ]

Well, now you have one more.

[ and she's a girl and she will adopt you and not lock you in a dungeon. ]

[ Does friendship just work like that??? Don't both people have to want to be friends? How can she just say she's his friend now when he's ready to hightail it away? ]

What.

[ At this point, being locked in a dungeon would probably be less confusing. And alarming. ]

What? A friendship's gotta start somehow, so I'm starting it, and we'll work on the rest as we go.

[ she sure is flippant about this. ]

[ Killua is really, really sure this is not how friendships start! Past experience states that there should be at least 300% more imminent mortality, for one.

Then again, he really doesn't know that much about friendship, so he settles for glaring at Yang with a suspicious stare. ]

...then what do we next?

[ well, he accepted it, that's a wonderful start. ]

Considering where we are, we find something else to beat up, since you...

[ looks down at the poor mangled mistletoe bot. ]

... beat me to the punch on this one.

[ Yang, could you not. ]

[ Yes, please Yang, could you not, puns and weird friendship are a lot to take in here! Except that Killua actually looks decidedly more perky at the promise of imminent violence. Violence he understands. Yang? Not so much. ]

That was awful. [ There may, possibly, be the barest hint of a smile on his lips. Maybe. ] What'd you have in mind?

[ OHO. ]

I don't know yet. Usually there are a lot more enemies, so we might just have to look around.

I already beat up the elves and the reindeer and the snow witch.

[ The less said about the minotaur, the better. Please don't ask about the minotaur. ]

How many more levels are there?

No idea, this is all new... did you get through that maze?

Yep. It was pretty interesting, even if the fights were too easy.

[ Alas, poor pixels, we knew ye well. ]

You'll do some fighting outside of here from time to time, so don't worry too much about difficulty level.

Huh, really? [ And here he'd had the impression all the fighting was saved for the game. He doesn't actually sound as excited by the prospect of real fighting, though. ] I thought the game was here so people wouldn't fight outside it.

That's probably part of it, but you'll still have things trying to kill you at least once a month.

[ Wow, this is news to Killua. Here he thought they'd all been grabbed up out of the cosmic cybernet space to save them. Or something. ]

What kinds of things? Do they want something?

[ As opposed to just wanting to tear out a throat for funsies, as one does. ]

Supposedly, we've got terrorists. And that's when the robots aren't going wonky.

Terrorists? Are they a group of thieves or something?

[ That might, just possibly, be a hint of concern on Killua's face. Surely the Phantom Troupe isn't here, too? ]

[ This is why you're getting your hair ruffled, Killua. ]

Not thieves, exactly-- they seem like a group that more or less wants us dead?

[ No, why is this happening! Killua does his best to duck away from the hair ruffling fiend, shoulders hunching. He ends up looking an awful lot like an offended cat, hair sticking up in every direction. ]

Cut that out! [ He makes a face at Yang, but he's not to be distracted from his question so easily. That still could describe the Phantom Troupe pretty well, after all. ] Tell me about them. Do they have spider tattoos? Anything like that?

There's not a whole lot I can say, honestly... they all had clown masks on, their fighting wasn't very refined... it was too dark to see any tattoos.

[ Well, that rules the Phantom Troupe out, then. No need for Killua to go full on cat-trapped-in-a-box at the moment. He relaxes, just a little shift of his shoulders. ]

If they're not good fighters, they don't sound that dangerous, then.

They're probably thinking there's power in numbers, or something. [ wry. ] Joke's on them.

Huh. [ That brings up another question. ] Hey, how many of us are there, anyway?

[ "Us" being the people pieced back together from the fragments of old worlds' code. ]

... Good question. Fifty, one hundred... ish?

(no subject)

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