ioculus | //TESTDRIVE5.0.EXE

//TESTDRIVE5.0.EXE

Let it Go, Let it ~~Fucking~~ Go Already

Let's keep pretending it's not technically October in the game while Yuletide thoughts continue to spread through CERES. Inspired by recent tragic events, your friendly neighborhood programmer, Elias (

serritor) has constructed a wonderful new ice world to be accessed through ViViD, the popular virtual simulator.

As expected, this is a world covered in ice all over with a chill that bores into one's bones as players wander through. In the midst of it all lies a beautiful reconstruction of a mall, complete with various stores to suit your online shopping needs. However, before you can indulge in any spending, you're tasked with a mission should you choose to accept. You will have to enter the frost-covered mall which hosts a large, elaborate labyrinth and complete all the objectives as they're given to you and your party.

It seems that some horrible foe has arisen from the great beyond to kidnap Santa Bot (no relation to the futurama one). Unable to deliver toys and goods to the poor, needy adults of Cerealia, it's up to YOU to save him from a variety of enemies which include:

a.) Nasty, foul-mouthed elves
b.) A rabid flock of reindeer
c.) An ice queen who will not stop singing
d.) And a fucking minotaur. Why? Why not?

"Ho ho ho! And seasons greetings, players! I am Julius Vincere, the CEO of CERES, and I must apologize for a few recent temperature modifications as of late. But we were able to fix that small glitch quickly. We were only hoping to cool things down by a few degrees after we received a few complaints about overheating equipment. It seems our robots went a bit overboard with our dome, which is a safety precaution we put in place in the event of an outside threat or invasion. There's no need to fear, and we hope you enjoyed warming up with one another in the meantime.

Now, that that's behind us, let's have a little fun, shall we? I think some of you are familiar with the concept back in your home worlds. I observed enough to know that it's a pretty ostentatious holiday. That's why I asked my dear programmer, Elias, to build a simulation so we can experience a little bit of Christmas together. You can say it's a dress rehearsal for the real thing.

Anyway, if you all would be so kind as to sample this world and tell me how it goes. I want to see what you all think and get you all in the festive mood. Consider this my deep apology for one mistake too many. We won't allow it to happen again."

//SCENARIOS.EXE

PHASE I

[ 0000 ] Let the games begin! You're dropped before a giant forest with snow-covered trees, and in your path to reach the mall, there appears your first threat. They look cute and sweet -innocent little elves that smile and blush in your direction. They barely reach up to your chest and look up at you with big, glassy eyes as they promise to help you along your way. Little hands will grab yours, tugging you along. That is, until you're far enough along that you're deep in the midst of the forest where they decide to chip at a lake of frozen ice and chuck you inside.

They will then criticize your clothes, call you a piece of reindeer shit, tell you your ass is too fat then call your mother a whore. Because that's just how they roll. Here's your chance to fight back, get vengeance, and force the elves to tell you where Santa is. Those who manage to beat them into submission will be pointed in the right direction to the mall. Those who don't, have fun drowning in icy water!

PHASE II

[ 0000 ] Once you've escaped the elves, another trial appears. This time, it's in the form of twelve savage reindeer with blood dribbling from their lips. Their eyes are all an eerie shade of red, and they're staring at you deeply as though they can see into your soul. If you hope to get into that mall, you'll have to fight them down and avoid being caught in their antlers. There will be lots of bucking. Copious buckings. Kill the reindeer and remove their antlers for a special gift! (it's a coupon for a free McCERES burger.)

PHASE III

[ 0000 ] Once you reach the entrance of the mall, you'll be confronted with the icy labyrinth, guarded by a minotaur. He is large and in charge and will probably try to mow you down once he sees you. None of your weapons or magic will work, though. To pacify this beast, you will have to hug him. He requires a hug with feeling. He will tell you as much when you confront him. Give him a good squeeze then let him be. Love can cure many things!

PHASE IV

[ 0000 ] Are you done running around this maze of a mall? Tired of seeing the same Vidia's Secret store a dozen times? Alas, there is one last trial. It comes in the form of obnoxious carols being crooned in your direction by a beautiful ice queen. She's beckoning you to her with a siren song in the form of merry Christmas music, luring you in little by little and making you walk towards her while she tries to enchant you. She'll lean in close and whisper the rest of the song in your ear, and once you're in her trance, you'll turn on your own friends and party members to try and kill them. To avoid being drawn into her trance, you'll have to be knocked around a few times to regain your bearings. Then, it's either destroy her or be subjected to her ice magic. However, before she dies, she'll look deep into your eyes and beg you to save her and not to forget her.

She needs you.

Once you defeat her, Santa Bot will appear to dance a merry jig in your honor and shower you with credits. Hooray!

BONUS

[ whyo'clock ] You can't escape Christmas without a random sprig of mistletoe floating around your head and following you around. For those who try to escape, the mistletoe bot will only move all the quicker. Those caught under its insistent floating will be compelled to kiss a neighbor or two or ten. Or even kiss the minotaur. What we're saying is you should probably run.

[ Remember to apply proper warnings on threads with trigger-y or inappropriate material and do let a mod know if your thread careens off into maiming or canoodling so we can lock the meme. ]

//RUN.EXE

Welcome to CEREALIA's fifth Test Drive Meme. For your convenience, we have compiled a post detailing everyone's arrival experience and a FAQ that should explain everything in more detail. Please read them thoroughly before playing. Thank you!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ she is the millotaur. ]

What... what am I supposed to do?

[ he just kind of freezes up, staring up at the robot like it might explode at any second now. never mind the fact that that clearly isn't what happened to milla earlier... he is definitely going through a deer in the headlights moment right now.

what do, milla. what do. ]

Nothing's happening so far, right? Maybe... maybe this one's not working or something.

[ they can only hope ri- oh wait no now he's lunging forward at her, pressing his lips to hers. there was really no other way this could go. ]

Does it matter, step ba--

[ --ck already. millotaur's honestly about to ram ludger into a wall. well, when she's done being flabbergasted at this happening again because curse her slow response, curse her fate, curse everything. surely when this is all over and she's far, far away she'll realize that there are worse people to kiss, but for the time being that's impossible.

there's something different about not being on the forced end of magical mistletoe antics. one, its not your fault, and therefore she can focus entirely on her embarrassment and the fact that ludger is kissing her. again.

two, it's easier to punch things. hurt arm or not, that's what she's doing when she can find her mind.

which is right now. rest in peace, milla's innocence. rest in peace. ]

[ to be fair, as soon as ludger realized what was happening, he knew this punch was coming. there was really no other way for this to go. was it worth it? ...hm, it was hard to say at the moment, all things considered. perhaps everything in his head stopped rattling, he could take a few minutes to ponder the very mystery that was that question.

either way, he takes a second to catch his breath and rub his chin, still smarting from that right hook. maybe he should consider himself lucky - he knows how strong milla is, so if she had wanted to knock him out, he probably would be.

of course, all that follows that realization is awkward silence. because really, what else could possibly follow what just happened?

its almost a game of chicken to see who will break first and say something. and, as always when it comes to these things, ludger loses. ]

I... [ hm. ] Okay, now I get what you were talking about.

[ at least that's some sort of silver lining??? ]

You get it.

[ uuugh. she's going to turn away and completely avoid any eye contact with ludger. that's way too difficult right now. it's probably a fortunate thing that he's always the sucker when it comes to breaking silences, as milla. wasn't going to. at all. if anything, she'd like to walk away right now and forget this ever happened.

forget that ludger will kresnik ever happened.

first, he explodes her world. then he steals her first and second kiss. ]

That's the first thing that comes out of your mouth.

[ woohoo, he understands but it came at her own expense. is nothing in this world sacred? but really, let's all admit this is karma that milla is not willing to acknowledge. ]

Well... yeah.

[ he knows its an underwhelming response, but come on? what else is he supposed to say at this point? there is no appropriate way to react to this situation - and let's face it, any wrong move could get him killed right now. she might not have the power of the four great spirits anymore, but he's pretty sure she doesn't need them to send him into next week.

of course, it's easier when she's not looking at him directly... which he reciprocates by doing the same thing.

but okay, obviously she's looking for a better answer than that. so he'll try his best. ]

And... that was nice?

[ ... ... ... okay once he says it he realizes that's probably not what she was fishing for. well, maybe it was somewhat, but it's still not something he was supposed to say. he should probably just start running now. ]

//TESTDRIVE5.0.EXE

i upped my game

i give this is too much for me

this is what it means to be a xillia

i never asked for this. and wow, you would change the name field

it had to be done