ioculus | //TESTDRIVE5.0.EXE

//TESTDRIVE5.0.EXE

Let it Go, Let it ~~Fucking~~ Go Already

Let's keep pretending it's not technically October in the game while Yuletide thoughts continue to spread through CERES. Inspired by recent tragic events, your friendly neighborhood programmer, Elias (

serritor) has constructed a wonderful new ice world to be accessed through ViViD, the popular virtual simulator.

As expected, this is a world covered in ice all over with a chill that bores into one's bones as players wander through. In the midst of it all lies a beautiful reconstruction of a mall, complete with various stores to suit your online shopping needs. However, before you can indulge in any spending, you're tasked with a mission should you choose to accept. You will have to enter the frost-covered mall which hosts a large, elaborate labyrinth and complete all the objectives as they're given to you and your party.

It seems that some horrible foe has arisen from the great beyond to kidnap Santa Bot (no relation to the futurama one). Unable to deliver toys and goods to the poor, needy adults of Cerealia, it's up to YOU to save him from a variety of enemies which include:

a.) Nasty, foul-mouthed elves
b.) A rabid flock of reindeer
c.) An ice queen who will not stop singing
d.) And a fucking minotaur. Why? Why not?

"Ho ho ho! And seasons greetings, players! I am Julius Vincere, the CEO of CERES, and I must apologize for a few recent temperature modifications as of late. But we were able to fix that small glitch quickly. We were only hoping to cool things down by a few degrees after we received a few complaints about overheating equipment. It seems our robots went a bit overboard with our dome, which is a safety precaution we put in place in the event of an outside threat or invasion. There's no need to fear, and we hope you enjoyed warming up with one another in the meantime.

Now, that that's behind us, let's have a little fun, shall we? I think some of you are familiar with the concept back in your home worlds. I observed enough to know that it's a pretty ostentatious holiday. That's why I asked my dear programmer, Elias, to build a simulation so we can experience a little bit of Christmas together. You can say it's a dress rehearsal for the real thing.

Anyway, if you all would be so kind as to sample this world and tell me how it goes. I want to see what you all think and get you all in the festive mood. Consider this my deep apology for one mistake too many. We won't allow it to happen again."

//SCENARIOS.EXE

PHASE I

[ 0000 ] Let the games begin! You're dropped before a giant forest with snow-covered trees, and in your path to reach the mall, there appears your first threat. They look cute and sweet -innocent little elves that smile and blush in your direction. They barely reach up to your chest and look up at you with big, glassy eyes as they promise to help you along your way. Little hands will grab yours, tugging you along. That is, until you're far enough along that you're deep in the midst of the forest where they decide to chip at a lake of frozen ice and chuck you inside.

They will then criticize your clothes, call you a piece of reindeer shit, tell you your ass is too fat then call your mother a whore. Because that's just how they roll. Here's your chance to fight back, get vengeance, and force the elves to tell you where Santa is. Those who manage to beat them into submission will be pointed in the right direction to the mall. Those who don't, have fun drowning in icy water!

PHASE II

[ 0000 ] Once you've escaped the elves, another trial appears. This time, it's in the form of twelve savage reindeer with blood dribbling from their lips. Their eyes are all an eerie shade of red, and they're staring at you deeply as though they can see into your soul. If you hope to get into that mall, you'll have to fight them down and avoid being caught in their antlers. There will be lots of bucking. Copious buckings. Kill the reindeer and remove their antlers for a special gift! (it's a coupon for a free McCERES burger.)

PHASE III

[ 0000 ] Once you reach the entrance of the mall, you'll be confronted with the icy labyrinth, guarded by a minotaur. He is large and in charge and will probably try to mow you down once he sees you. None of your weapons or magic will work, though. To pacify this beast, you will have to hug him. He requires a hug with feeling. He will tell you as much when you confront him. Give him a good squeeze then let him be. Love can cure many things!

PHASE IV

[ 0000 ] Are you done running around this maze of a mall? Tired of seeing the same Vidia's Secret store a dozen times? Alas, there is one last trial. It comes in the form of obnoxious carols being crooned in your direction by a beautiful ice queen. She's beckoning you to her with a siren song in the form of merry Christmas music, luring you in little by little and making you walk towards her while she tries to enchant you. She'll lean in close and whisper the rest of the song in your ear, and once you're in her trance, you'll turn on your own friends and party members to try and kill them. To avoid being drawn into her trance, you'll have to be knocked around a few times to regain your bearings. Then, it's either destroy her or be subjected to her ice magic. However, before she dies, she'll look deep into your eyes and beg you to save her and not to forget her.

She needs you.

Once you defeat her, Santa Bot will appear to dance a merry jig in your honor and shower you with credits. Hooray!

BONUS

[ whyo'clock ] You can't escape Christmas without a random sprig of mistletoe floating around your head and following you around. For those who try to escape, the mistletoe bot will only move all the quicker. Those caught under its insistent floating will be compelled to kiss a neighbor or two or ten. Or even kiss the minotaur. What we're saying is you should probably run.

[ Remember to apply proper warnings on threads with trigger-y or inappropriate material and do let a mod know if your thread careens off into maiming or canoodling so we can lock the meme. ]

//RUN.EXE

Welcome to CEREALIA's fifth Test Drive Meme. For your convenience, we have compiled a post detailing everyone's arrival experience and a FAQ that should explain everything in more detail. Please read them thoroughly before playing. Thank you!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

phase i; terrible
[ ITP: One girl dressed in what seems like an ~~cheap~~ expensive, yellow Sail*r Moon knockoff standing between...dead...dying bodies of elves. As if the sight isn't enough, she starts poking one of the elf using the tip of her foot.. ]

Oh my, oh my. [ Covering her mouth with a hand, she lets out a gasp. ] What might have led you guys to this fate, hm? A~nyway, since you guys are so afraid of whores!

[ Commence ball kicking. Literally. ]

phase iv; even more terrible
[ Santa's job is to spread gifts and happiness around the world to every nice children who deserve one. Which is to say, Mari is perfectly qualified for one! That's why when you reach the Ice Queen's place, you'll find one girl in yellow winter coat who's clearly not the Ice Queen sitting...in said Ice Queen's throne, as Santa comes bringing her tea and cookies on a plate. ]

Ah, thank you so much! Earl gray tea is the only way. Whooo's the good Santa? [ That him, he's the good Santa. Why does he look so afraid of her tho. ]

bonus; the most terriblest
[ But why would someone run from just a simple mistletoe! Not Mari, definitely not. After glancing at the mistletoe above her and you, she blinks her sparkling big, red eyes at you instead, and-- ]

Mistletoe! [ Does this innocent shock comes off as sincere or... ] Wouldn't that mean we have to kiss now? M-mari... is so nervous, she has never kissed anyone before, or even...touch. [ She cups her face in both hands, face turning scarlet at the nasty thought!! ]

Aah, oh no, what would my fans say if they see how obscene I'm being! Mari's so naughty, such a bad girl!

Edited 2014-12-03 12:05 (UTC)

_{[ You know, she almost fools him with a get up like that. And he almost goes running to get Sail*r M**n's autograph. Though, he doesn't want to intrude on what glorious ball crushing is going on there. He's seen plenty of ball crushing throughout his series; manga and anime; but this girl made it almost look like an art.

So instead, Katsura is just sort of staring for a moment.

And then, comes the applause.
He'd ask for an encore, but realizes he's the only one standing and probably shouldn't for his own safety. ]}

Edited (dicks) 2014-12-03 18:13 (UTC)

[ That's a smart life choice there, Katsura, both the refraining from asking for an encore and giving her a round of applause. ...As if she needs more ego boost in her life?! Whatever, it's all good.

Upon hearing, she gives her single audience a full body twirl and a bow! With a flourish! ]

Thank you, thank you! I didn't know we have an audience, sorry. Otherwise, I'd have put up an even better performance. More entertaining! Full of explosion and drama!

[ Full of pain. ]

Say, anything I should work on? [ WINKS, she points her baton in Katsura's direction. Run. ] None?

_{[ Zura puts his hands in his sleeves once he is finished. He looked.. pretty damp. The only explanation would be the fact that he waited until the very last moment to fight the elves. They had plenty of things to insult and mock him with.
Don't even get him started on drama either.
He seems rather stoic for the most part, allowing silence to occur before cupping his chin in thought. ]}

–A heartwarming finale with orphan elves; a scandalous confession between the two elves before their death; and explosion, it would have been good.
_{[ coming from somebody whose favorite weapon is metallic bomb. ]}

But ah, those are small things. It was magnificent the way it is.
_{[ he almost cried. ]}

[ They would have been in an alternate universe if Mari finally notices other people's condition, or bothering to guess what kind of predicament that caused it. Which is to say

Katsura's appearance doesn't bother her at all, or any...th..ing...that he says. Because none of that is about her?! You tried, Katsura. ]

... Of course! Those elves are nothing but figurants! Properties! Nothing they could do would've made my performance-- I mean, battle, more exciting.

[ She snaps her fingers. ]

Hold on, speaking of bombs.

[ Alright, Katsura, you're getting this. You want flashy? She'll give you flashy!! Another twirl, and a flourish, then a thrust of her baton toward the sky. ]

Pretty and dynamite! [ YELLOW EXPLOSION IN THE BACKGROUND. Some elves were hurt in the making of this thread. ]

Flamenco Diamond! [ ...yeah. ] Hah! How's this for an explosion, huh, samurai guy!

_{[ it's ok. They were extras that were cutting into his pay raise anyway. Being a supportive character who is on stand by through important arcs has its rough times.

The explosion doesn't cause him to flinch. Instead, he seems pleased with the result. ]}

Most impressive. Do you frequently use such an attack?

_{[ take that as a compliment from the Bomb Demon himself. ]}

//TESTDRIVE5.0.EXE

mari maya | samurai flamenco

...1..... let's make beautiful music together...

sorry...mari's ego requires the whole stage for herself...

but he's got a lovely soprano voice...

fine, he can..sway in the background

no subject

no subject