ioculus | //TESTDRIVE5.0.EXE

//TESTDRIVE5.0.EXE

Let it Go, Let it ~~Fucking~~ Go Already

Let's keep pretending it's not technically October in the game while Yuletide thoughts continue to spread through CERES. Inspired by recent tragic events, your friendly neighborhood programmer, Elias (

serritor) has constructed a wonderful new ice world to be accessed through ViViD, the popular virtual simulator.

As expected, this is a world covered in ice all over with a chill that bores into one's bones as players wander through. In the midst of it all lies a beautiful reconstruction of a mall, complete with various stores to suit your online shopping needs. However, before you can indulge in any spending, you're tasked with a mission should you choose to accept. You will have to enter the frost-covered mall which hosts a large, elaborate labyrinth and complete all the objectives as they're given to you and your party.

It seems that some horrible foe has arisen from the great beyond to kidnap Santa Bot (no relation to the futurama one). Unable to deliver toys and goods to the poor, needy adults of Cerealia, it's up to YOU to save him from a variety of enemies which include:

a.) Nasty, foul-mouthed elves
b.) A rabid flock of reindeer
c.) An ice queen who will not stop singing
d.) And a fucking minotaur. Why? Why not?

"Ho ho ho! And seasons greetings, players! I am Julius Vincere, the CEO of CERES, and I must apologize for a few recent temperature modifications as of late. But we were able to fix that small glitch quickly. We were only hoping to cool things down by a few degrees after we received a few complaints about overheating equipment. It seems our robots went a bit overboard with our dome, which is a safety precaution we put in place in the event of an outside threat or invasion. There's no need to fear, and we hope you enjoyed warming up with one another in the meantime.

Now, that that's behind us, let's have a little fun, shall we? I think some of you are familiar with the concept back in your home worlds. I observed enough to know that it's a pretty ostentatious holiday. That's why I asked my dear programmer, Elias, to build a simulation so we can experience a little bit of Christmas together. You can say it's a dress rehearsal for the real thing.

Anyway, if you all would be so kind as to sample this world and tell me how it goes. I want to see what you all think and get you all in the festive mood. Consider this my deep apology for one mistake too many. We won't allow it to happen again."

//SCENARIOS.EXE

PHASE I

[ 0000 ] Let the games begin! You're dropped before a giant forest with snow-covered trees, and in your path to reach the mall, there appears your first threat. They look cute and sweet -innocent little elves that smile and blush in your direction. They barely reach up to your chest and look up at you with big, glassy eyes as they promise to help you along your way. Little hands will grab yours, tugging you along. That is, until you're far enough along that you're deep in the midst of the forest where they decide to chip at a lake of frozen ice and chuck you inside.

They will then criticize your clothes, call you a piece of reindeer shit, tell you your ass is too fat then call your mother a whore. Because that's just how they roll. Here's your chance to fight back, get vengeance, and force the elves to tell you where Santa is. Those who manage to beat them into submission will be pointed in the right direction to the mall. Those who don't, have fun drowning in icy water!

PHASE II

[ 0000 ] Once you've escaped the elves, another trial appears. This time, it's in the form of twelve savage reindeer with blood dribbling from their lips. Their eyes are all an eerie shade of red, and they're staring at you deeply as though they can see into your soul. If you hope to get into that mall, you'll have to fight them down and avoid being caught in their antlers. There will be lots of bucking. Copious buckings. Kill the reindeer and remove their antlers for a special gift! (it's a coupon for a free McCERES burger.)

PHASE III

[ 0000 ] Once you reach the entrance of the mall, you'll be confronted with the icy labyrinth, guarded by a minotaur. He is large and in charge and will probably try to mow you down once he sees you. None of your weapons or magic will work, though. To pacify this beast, you will have to hug him. He requires a hug with feeling. He will tell you as much when you confront him. Give him a good squeeze then let him be. Love can cure many things!

PHASE IV

[ 0000 ] Are you done running around this maze of a mall? Tired of seeing the same Vidia's Secret store a dozen times? Alas, there is one last trial. It comes in the form of obnoxious carols being crooned in your direction by a beautiful ice queen. She's beckoning you to her with a siren song in the form of merry Christmas music, luring you in little by little and making you walk towards her while she tries to enchant you. She'll lean in close and whisper the rest of the song in your ear, and once you're in her trance, you'll turn on your own friends and party members to try and kill them. To avoid being drawn into her trance, you'll have to be knocked around a few times to regain your bearings. Then, it's either destroy her or be subjected to her ice magic. However, before she dies, she'll look deep into your eyes and beg you to save her and not to forget her.

She needs you.

Once you defeat her, Santa Bot will appear to dance a merry jig in your honor and shower you with credits. Hooray!

BONUS

[ whyo'clock ] You can't escape Christmas without a random sprig of mistletoe floating around your head and following you around. For those who try to escape, the mistletoe bot will only move all the quicker. Those caught under its insistent floating will be compelled to kiss a neighbor or two or ten. Or even kiss the minotaur. What we're saying is you should probably run.

[ Remember to apply proper warnings on threads with trigger-y or inappropriate material and do let a mod know if your thread careens off into maiming or canoodling so we can lock the meme. ]

//RUN.EXE

Welcome to CEREALIA's fifth Test Drive Meme. For your convenience, we have compiled a post detailing everyone's arrival experience and a FAQ that should explain everything in more detail. Please read them thoroughly before playing. Thank you!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

No, that'd be great!

[ so he's a little weird. he has a practical weapon, and armin does better with others. ]

_{[ what an adorable shota— who is completely unaware that he is going to be escorted by one of the most powerful samurais in all of Edo.
...who has a criminal record and leads an anti-government faction back home.

Anyway, the idea that Katsura is so easily welcomed causes him to finally relax his face, a warm smile finally appearing. ]}

Aaa, very good. I wouldn't want to intrude.
_{[ shuffle shuffle. Why the hell is he wearing sandals in this climate? ]}

Where is your mother?

_{[ zura. ]}

[ fifteen is a legit age for a soldier, excuse u. (no.) armin has to remind himself this place is different than home, though. his uniform won't be recognized. or respected. just a baby face, now. ]

She died. [ MOVING ON... ] My name is Armin. Yours is Katsura? Did I say it right?

....

_{[ SON OF A—
ok stay calm. It's just an orphan (????) Katsura understands that very much himself. ]}

That is correct.
_{[ if you haven't gathered, he's extra sensitive about his name. ]}

[ ASK ABOUT HIS DAD AND GRANDPA. :D ]

So what makes Santa such a special person?

_{[ HOW SHELTERED IS THIS CHILD.
Zura walks alongside him. It's evident by how lightly he is treading he's sort of.. sneaking? Just in case. This guy was always on high alert. ]}

—You have never heard the story?

Well, I don't think Santa exists in my world.

_{[ !!!! ]}
Santa doesn't merely exist in worlds. He exists in the hearts of those who believe in him!
You would enjoy him, I am certain of it.

But I can't enjoy him if I don't know him, right? Could you tell me the story?

[ pls tell shota everything ]

_{[ time to bullshit. ]}

Ah, you want to know about Santa-sama, do you? Hm, very well.

Santa-sama was a true warrior amongst the last of the Twelve Spirits of Christmas. Through blood, toil, and massacre, he had to deliver presents for the adoring orphan children. He wielded a katana through the obstacles that crossed his path, physically and metaphorically. Santa-sama's jolly and chubby appearance fooled what a real demon he could be. He sliced through the filthy police officers who tried to prevent his festivities as order by law. Some of the police officers smelled of tobacco; others resembled a gorilla.

The weight of his presents presented the burden of all the samurai felt that flourished in the city at the time. He went through the pain and torment, but in the end, it would be worth it for all the orphan children. His sacrifice would not be ignored in attempt to save the holiday season. His enemies were naughty creature that came from space to conquer the North Pole and eventually the world, including the festive season. They would ultimately banish any and all of those hinted anything yuletide should he not do anything to prevent this catastrophe. He would have none of that— the children needed their cats and dogs and other cute things. They did not know what it was like to receive a present from their parents; Santa-sama was a father figure of some sort.

In the end, he perished on the battle field, but gave one last request: deliver the presents to the orphaned children. For he is the closest thing to a father they will ever know. He died with honor and even gained enough respect from the enemy that the holiday be celebrated for his sacrifice instead of banned...

The bag eventually was discovered by a traveler who felt in his heart that he had to deliver the presents to the orphanage.

It was not coincidence. It was his spirit ...his spirit that truly lives within those who really believe.

Edited 2014-12-05 05:26 (UTC)

A-and that's the story of him.
_{[ GOD, THAT WAS CINEMATIC GOLD RIGHT THERE. He should really go int producing movies. ]}

[ armin understood, like, 40% of that. if??? what kind of weapon is a katana? what the fuck is a gorilla? the north pole? samurai? what were the other twelve spirits? what do the police have to do with this? SO MANY QUESTIONS......... ]

But if Santa is such an accomplished warrior, what are we helping him to do?

Edited 2014-12-05 05:42 (UTC)

His spirit has been kidnapped. His body, which was his vessel, has been defeated. But his spirit lives on as long as children believe.
If it is kidnapped, nobody's spirit will bring joy to those.. even if they do believe.

Christmas is ruined without him.
We are freeing him.

[ and more questions... ]

How is a person's spirit imprisoned?

If you could open your eyes and see, spirits are always fighting. They are always having tension with one another.

_{[ Katsura's guardian spirit is a Toyota Corolla. It comes in handy when he needs to make a quick escape. ]}

There is a world that we don't always see but is always before us.
_{[ that's how it was back home in any case. ]}

A person's spirit is imprisoned by darkness. We are here to show it light.

//TESTDRIVE5.0.EXE

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that was beautiful

THANK U I'LL BE HERE ALL WEEK....

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