//TESTDRIVE5.0.EXE

[reparator]

//TESTDRIVE5.0.EXE Let it Go, Let it Fucking Go Already Let's keep pretending it's not technically October in the game while Yuletide thoughts continue to spread through CERES. Inspired by recent tragic events, your friendly neighborhood programmer, Elias (serritor) has constructed a wonderful new ice world to be accessed through ViViD, the popular virtual simulator. As expected, this is a world covered in ice all over with a chill that bores into one's bones as players wander through. In the midst of it all lies a beautiful reconstruction of a mall, complete with various stores to suit your online shopping needs. However, before you can indulge in any spending, you're tasked with a mission should you choose to accept. You will have to enter the frost-covered mall which hosts a large, elaborate labyrinth and complete all the objectives as they're given to you and your party. It seems that some horrible foe has arisen from the great beyond to kidnap Santa Bot (no relation to the futurama one). Unable to deliver toys and goods to the poor, needy adults of Cerealia, it's up to YOU to save him from a variety of enemies which include: a.) Nasty, foul-mouthed elves b.) A rabid flock of reindeer c.) An ice queen who will not stop singing d.) And a fucking minotaur. Why? Why not? "Ho ho ho! And seasons greetings, players! I am Julius Vincere, the CEO of CERES, and I must apologize for a few recent temperature modifications as of late. But we were able to fix that small glitch quickly. We were only hoping to cool things down by a few degrees after we received a few complaints about overheating equipment. It seems our robots went a bit overboard with our dome, which is a safety precaution we put in place in the event of an outside threat or invasion. There's no need to fear, and we hope you enjoyed warming up with one another in the meantime. Now, that that's behind us, let's have a little fun, shall we? I think some of you are familiar with the concept back in your home worlds. I observed enough to know that it's a pretty ostentatious holiday. That's why I asked my dear programmer, Elias, to build a simulation so we can experience a little bit of Christmas together. You can say it's a dress rehearsal for the real thing. Anyway, if you all would be so kind as to sample this world and tell me how it goes. I want to see what you all think and get you all in the festive mood. Consider this my deep apology for one mistake too many. We won't allow it to happen again."

//SCENARIOS.EXE PHASE I [ 0000 ] Let the games begin! You're dropped before a giant forest with snow-covered trees, and in your path to reach the mall, there appears your first threat. They look cute and sweet -innocent little elves that smile and blush in your direction. They barely reach up to your chest and look up at you with big, glassy eyes as they promise to help you along your way. Little hands will grab yours, tugging you along. That is, until you're far enough along that you're deep in the midst of the forest where they decide to chip at a lake of frozen ice and chuck you inside. They will then criticize your clothes, call you a piece of reindeer shit, tell you your ass is too fat then call your mother a whore. Because that's just how they roll. Here's your chance to fight back, get vengeance, and force the elves to tell you where Santa is. Those who manage to beat them into submission will be pointed in the right direction to the mall. Those who don't, have fun drowning in icy water! PHASE II [ 0000 ] Once you've escaped the elves, another trial appears. This time, it's in the form of twelve savage reindeer with blood dribbling from their lips. Their eyes are all an eerie shade of red, and they're staring at you deeply as though they can see into your soul. If you hope to get into that mall, you'll have to fight them down and avoid being caught in their antlers. There will be lots of bucking. Copious buckings. Kill the reindeer and remove their antlers for a special gift! (it's a coupon for a free McCERES burger.) PHASE III [ 0000 ] Once you reach the entrance of the mall, you'll be confronted with the icy labyrinth, guarded by a minotaur. He is large and in charge and will probably try to mow you down once he sees you. None of your weapons or magic will work, though. To pacify this beast, you will have to hug him. He requires a hug with feeling. He will tell you as much when you confront him. Give him a good squeeze then let him be. Love can cure many things! PHASE IV [ 0000 ] Are you done running around this maze of a mall? Tired of seeing the same Vidia's Secret store a dozen times? Alas, there is one last trial. It comes in the form of obnoxious carols being crooned in your direction by a beautiful ice queen. She's beckoning you to her with a siren song in the form of merry Christmas music, luring you in little by little and making you walk towards her while she tries to enchant you. She'll lean in close and whisper the rest of the song in your ear, and once you're in her trance, you'll turn on your own friends and party members to try and kill them. To avoid being drawn into her trance, you'll have to be knocked around a few times to regain your bearings. Then, it's either destroy her or be subjected to her ice magic. However, before she dies, she'll look deep into your eyes and beg you to save her and not to forget her. She needs you. Once you defeat her, Santa Bot will appear to dance a merry jig in your honor and shower you with credits. Hooray! BONUS [ whyo'clock ] You can't escape Christmas without a random sprig of mistletoe floating around your head and following you around. For those who try to escape, the mistletoe bot will only move all the quicker. Those caught under its insistent floating will be compelled to kiss a neighbor or two or ten. Or even kiss the minotaur. What we're saying is you should probably run. [ Remember to apply proper warnings on threads with trigger-y or inappropriate material and do let a mod know if your thread careens off into maiming or canoodling so we can lock the meme. ]

//RUN.EXE Welcome to CEREALIA's fifth Test Drive Meme. For your convenience, we have compiled a post detailing everyone's arrival experience and a FAQ that should explain everything in more detail. Please read them thoroughly before playing. Thank you!

Comments

[sparkleprince]

[ He's beside himself and so terribly dejected. How could his tiny elf friends have turned on him like that? And they're still shouting insults:

Drowned cat!
Fatty!
Lookit the crybaby wooooooooo!

He sobs piteously, tears spilling over his cheeks and turning the water to brine. ]

But you don't understand, they're so —

[ ...

Oh! Oh! He'd thought he was alone in all the world, with every friend he ever knew taken away from him. But here is Tsukumo!!!!!! ]

It's yooooou! You're heeeeeere! Oh oh oh oh oh oh!

[ Sobbing in real earnest now, Yogi puts his cat head back on again and begins to run through the water towards her, his furry arms outstretched. Get ready for a big, wet, kitty hug, Tsukumo. ]

[tightwire]

[ Okay, wow. Those are miiiiiiightily rude elves but Tsukumo just ignores them, focusing instead on reaching Yogi and dragging him back to shore. ]

Yes, I've —

[ Or maybe not.

It's not that she's not used to being glomped and pulled into hugs by Yogi. It's just that the possibility of toppling together into freezing water while being smothered by a furry costume doesn't sound very inviting. Which causes her to sidestep and avoid him entirely, sorry. Maybe later, after they've retreated to firmer ground, shut the elves up and retrieved Yukkin. ]

— been here for a while now. [ Speaking of which!! ] ... What are you doing here, Yogi?

[sparkleprince]

[ He hugs... air. But either because he is (despite appearances) possessed of preternatural acrobatic skills, or just plain used to having his hugs dodged, he manages to keep his feet and just keeps splashing through the water, into the shallows. The ice is thicker there, so rather than breaking under each of his steps, it holds, just enough for him to get on his knees and slide across it and spin around, facing Tsukumo. It looks almost as if he meant to do that; it's possible he actually did. ]

Huh?

[ He's momentarily flummoxed, before he answers: ]

I... I... they said it was a game! And I love games, so — and I'm supposed to be saving Santa!

[ The other answer to that question — what are you doing here — has to do with their planet being destroyed by terrible creatures and everyone they ever knew or loved destroyed....

...and that is...

(his head hurts. his heart hurts. everything hurts)

...and that is too terribly sad to even talk about, especially while he's dressed as Nyanperona. ]

[tightwire]

[ Okay, well. That's ... a valid answer too, and a very Yogi answer.

But it's evident that he understood the real context behind her question and is simply avoiding having to directly address it. So she's going to leave it at that for now, turning impassively towards the edge of lake where Yukkin's waiting and is currently the new target of the elves' abuse. ]

We should get out of the water first. [ Before she completely loses feeling in her legs and feet. ] I found the path we should follow to finish this game.

[ Or more like, she'd thrashed it out of her own set of elves but details. ]

[sparkleprince]

Yes!

[ He's currently on top of the water (on the ice), but being on dry land is obviously better, so he leaps up into the air, somersaults, and lands at the water's edge. ]

You... you did? Tsukumo is soo~ smaaart~!

[ Of course, now that he's fully dressed as Nyanperona, he speaks in the character's fruity sing-song.

Meanwhile the nasty elves start gathering nearby and saying:

Hey, is that your girlfriend? Heh heh heh!
Can I have her picture? Cos I'm gonna show Santa what I want for Christmas! ]

Hey! No! That is not nice!