ioculus | //TESTDRIVE5.0.EXE

//TESTDRIVE5.0.EXE

Let it Go, Let it ~~Fucking~~ Go Already

Let's keep pretending it's not technically October in the game while Yuletide thoughts continue to spread through CERES. Inspired by recent tragic events, your friendly neighborhood programmer, Elias (

serritor) has constructed a wonderful new ice world to be accessed through ViViD, the popular virtual simulator.

As expected, this is a world covered in ice all over with a chill that bores into one's bones as players wander through. In the midst of it all lies a beautiful reconstruction of a mall, complete with various stores to suit your online shopping needs. However, before you can indulge in any spending, you're tasked with a mission should you choose to accept. You will have to enter the frost-covered mall which hosts a large, elaborate labyrinth and complete all the objectives as they're given to you and your party.

It seems that some horrible foe has arisen from the great beyond to kidnap Santa Bot (no relation to the futurama one). Unable to deliver toys and goods to the poor, needy adults of Cerealia, it's up to YOU to save him from a variety of enemies which include:

a.) Nasty, foul-mouthed elves
b.) A rabid flock of reindeer
c.) An ice queen who will not stop singing
d.) And a fucking minotaur. Why? Why not?

"Ho ho ho! And seasons greetings, players! I am Julius Vincere, the CEO of CERES, and I must apologize for a few recent temperature modifications as of late. But we were able to fix that small glitch quickly. We were only hoping to cool things down by a few degrees after we received a few complaints about overheating equipment. It seems our robots went a bit overboard with our dome, which is a safety precaution we put in place in the event of an outside threat or invasion. There's no need to fear, and we hope you enjoyed warming up with one another in the meantime.

Now, that that's behind us, let's have a little fun, shall we? I think some of you are familiar with the concept back in your home worlds. I observed enough to know that it's a pretty ostentatious holiday. That's why I asked my dear programmer, Elias, to build a simulation so we can experience a little bit of Christmas together. You can say it's a dress rehearsal for the real thing.

Anyway, if you all would be so kind as to sample this world and tell me how it goes. I want to see what you all think and get you all in the festive mood. Consider this my deep apology for one mistake too many. We won't allow it to happen again."

//SCENARIOS.EXE

PHASE I

[ 0000 ] Let the games begin! You're dropped before a giant forest with snow-covered trees, and in your path to reach the mall, there appears your first threat. They look cute and sweet -innocent little elves that smile and blush in your direction. They barely reach up to your chest and look up at you with big, glassy eyes as they promise to help you along your way. Little hands will grab yours, tugging you along. That is, until you're far enough along that you're deep in the midst of the forest where they decide to chip at a lake of frozen ice and chuck you inside.

They will then criticize your clothes, call you a piece of reindeer shit, tell you your ass is too fat then call your mother a whore. Because that's just how they roll. Here's your chance to fight back, get vengeance, and force the elves to tell you where Santa is. Those who manage to beat them into submission will be pointed in the right direction to the mall. Those who don't, have fun drowning in icy water!

PHASE II

[ 0000 ] Once you've escaped the elves, another trial appears. This time, it's in the form of twelve savage reindeer with blood dribbling from their lips. Their eyes are all an eerie shade of red, and they're staring at you deeply as though they can see into your soul. If you hope to get into that mall, you'll have to fight them down and avoid being caught in their antlers. There will be lots of bucking. Copious buckings. Kill the reindeer and remove their antlers for a special gift! (it's a coupon for a free McCERES burger.)

PHASE III

[ 0000 ] Once you reach the entrance of the mall, you'll be confronted with the icy labyrinth, guarded by a minotaur. He is large and in charge and will probably try to mow you down once he sees you. None of your weapons or magic will work, though. To pacify this beast, you will have to hug him. He requires a hug with feeling. He will tell you as much when you confront him. Give him a good squeeze then let him be. Love can cure many things!

PHASE IV

[ 0000 ] Are you done running around this maze of a mall? Tired of seeing the same Vidia's Secret store a dozen times? Alas, there is one last trial. It comes in the form of obnoxious carols being crooned in your direction by a beautiful ice queen. She's beckoning you to her with a siren song in the form of merry Christmas music, luring you in little by little and making you walk towards her while she tries to enchant you. She'll lean in close and whisper the rest of the song in your ear, and once you're in her trance, you'll turn on your own friends and party members to try and kill them. To avoid being drawn into her trance, you'll have to be knocked around a few times to regain your bearings. Then, it's either destroy her or be subjected to her ice magic. However, before she dies, she'll look deep into your eyes and beg you to save her and not to forget her.

She needs you.

Once you defeat her, Santa Bot will appear to dance a merry jig in your honor and shower you with credits. Hooray!

BONUS

[ whyo'clock ] You can't escape Christmas without a random sprig of mistletoe floating around your head and following you around. For those who try to escape, the mistletoe bot will only move all the quicker. Those caught under its insistent floating will be compelled to kiss a neighbor or two or ten. Or even kiss the minotaur. What we're saying is you should probably run.

[ Remember to apply proper warnings on threads with trigger-y or inappropriate material and do let a mod know if your thread careens off into maiming or canoodling so we can lock the meme. ]

//RUN.EXE

Welcome to CEREALIA's fifth Test Drive Meme. For your convenience, we have compiled a post detailing everyone's arrival experience and a FAQ that should explain everything in more detail. Please read them thoroughly before playing. Thank you!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[it's not his fault he pleads not guilty to anyone around to arrest him for this]

[suddenly leans over anyway, strangely compelled.... INCOMING SMOOCH ON THE FACE]

[This is it. This is the end, this is how he dies. Not by rabid reindeer or evil elves, but by a kiss from a person of the same gender.

Shinjiro's mind screams at him to lean back, to madly scramble out of the way—and instead his traitorous brain gleefully makes him lean forward instead, reciprocating that kiss right smack-dab on the lips.

NOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooo.]

[I WON'T SAY I'M IN LOVE PLAYS IN THE BG]

[Totsuka stays firmly lip locked with Shinji for like several beats more, before he... draws back...]

...

[...pats him on the arm]

Merry Christmas! [it's not christmas]

[What Shinjiro hopes will be over in less than a heartbeat lasts about three times as long - much longer than their nonexistent social link dictates!! - and when the two finally break apart, no less than three things happen:

1) Shinjiro takes a large step back, hand reaching up to
2) hastily wipe off any remaining traces of saliva off his mouth so he can
3) scowl mightily and fiercely at Totsuka, who looks ever so pleased with himself.]

The hell did you keep it goin' for so long for?!

[His cheeks are burning and every fiber of his being is mortified. He just kissed a guy (and definitely didn't like it).]

[pfft no he can't laugh, shinji's glare seems to be warning enough. he shrugs his shoulders. it's a very innocent gesture... he can't say he's bothered by the kiss, though he is sorry that he ended up making someone else uncomfortable!!! TIME TO GLOSS OVER IT]

Haha... Sorry about that! I blame it on the magic of mistletoe. [looks up at the mistletoe that's decided to whisk away in search of more victims] Ah, it's gone! That's so strange.

[Everything about this is humiliating, why can't he just go back to Iwatodai and sulk in the back alleys oh right because it's gone. Or whatever nonsense it was those people were spouting at the beginning.

None of it makes this situation better.]

There ain't anything magical about mistletoe.

[It's a mutter, directed more at himself than Totsuka, who's still happily grinning over there. The scene's weird enough that Shinjiro can't help but glance back over.]

Tch, how can you be so happy about all of this?

It was following me around though... [ISN'T THAT PRETTY MAGICAL??? also it made him kiss an underaged kid. that's pretty magical. it would be pretty cool if totsuka could somehow get his hands on it and like experiment with it -- but he's distracted by his devious thoughts by shinji]

Eh? [HE WAS BORN THIS WAY SHINJI] It's not as if it's a bad thing to be, right?

[uh]

[MAYBE IT'S MAYBELLINE?? ALSO HE'S 18 THANKS.

It's not a particularly satisfactory answer but then again, most things aren't to Shinji. The world's been colored dark by the events of his own past, and it's difficult for him now to grasp how others can be so happy. (And maybe he's wistful too, that he can't be as carefree as Totsuka anymore.)]

You're gonna get in trouble like that, if you keep it up.

[Shinji, don't mom someone older than you.]

//TESTDRIVE5.0.EXE

2/2 kissy kissy

scarred for life, tbh

excuse me everyone wants to kiss totsuka

wow think you're hot stuff huh, totsuka

he's on fire that's how hot he is!!!

he is in red clan i guess....okay point made

WINS MISTER UNIVERSE

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