ioculus | //TESTDRIVE5.0.EXE

//TESTDRIVE5.0.EXE

Let it Go, Let it ~~Fucking~~ Go Already

Let's keep pretending it's not technically October in the game while Yuletide thoughts continue to spread through CERES. Inspired by recent tragic events, your friendly neighborhood programmer, Elias (

serritor) has constructed a wonderful new ice world to be accessed through ViViD, the popular virtual simulator.

As expected, this is a world covered in ice all over with a chill that bores into one's bones as players wander through. In the midst of it all lies a beautiful reconstruction of a mall, complete with various stores to suit your online shopping needs. However, before you can indulge in any spending, you're tasked with a mission should you choose to accept. You will have to enter the frost-covered mall which hosts a large, elaborate labyrinth and complete all the objectives as they're given to you and your party.

It seems that some horrible foe has arisen from the great beyond to kidnap Santa Bot (no relation to the futurama one). Unable to deliver toys and goods to the poor, needy adults of Cerealia, it's up to YOU to save him from a variety of enemies which include:

a.) Nasty, foul-mouthed elves
b.) A rabid flock of reindeer
c.) An ice queen who will not stop singing
d.) And a fucking minotaur. Why? Why not?

"Ho ho ho! And seasons greetings, players! I am Julius Vincere, the CEO of CERES, and I must apologize for a few recent temperature modifications as of late. But we were able to fix that small glitch quickly. We were only hoping to cool things down by a few degrees after we received a few complaints about overheating equipment. It seems our robots went a bit overboard with our dome, which is a safety precaution we put in place in the event of an outside threat or invasion. There's no need to fear, and we hope you enjoyed warming up with one another in the meantime.

Now, that that's behind us, let's have a little fun, shall we? I think some of you are familiar with the concept back in your home worlds. I observed enough to know that it's a pretty ostentatious holiday. That's why I asked my dear programmer, Elias, to build a simulation so we can experience a little bit of Christmas together. You can say it's a dress rehearsal for the real thing.

Anyway, if you all would be so kind as to sample this world and tell me how it goes. I want to see what you all think and get you all in the festive mood. Consider this my deep apology for one mistake too many. We won't allow it to happen again."

//SCENARIOS.EXE

PHASE I

[ 0000 ] Let the games begin! You're dropped before a giant forest with snow-covered trees, and in your path to reach the mall, there appears your first threat. They look cute and sweet -innocent little elves that smile and blush in your direction. They barely reach up to your chest and look up at you with big, glassy eyes as they promise to help you along your way. Little hands will grab yours, tugging you along. That is, until you're far enough along that you're deep in the midst of the forest where they decide to chip at a lake of frozen ice and chuck you inside.

They will then criticize your clothes, call you a piece of reindeer shit, tell you your ass is too fat then call your mother a whore. Because that's just how they roll. Here's your chance to fight back, get vengeance, and force the elves to tell you where Santa is. Those who manage to beat them into submission will be pointed in the right direction to the mall. Those who don't, have fun drowning in icy water!

PHASE II

[ 0000 ] Once you've escaped the elves, another trial appears. This time, it's in the form of twelve savage reindeer with blood dribbling from their lips. Their eyes are all an eerie shade of red, and they're staring at you deeply as though they can see into your soul. If you hope to get into that mall, you'll have to fight them down and avoid being caught in their antlers. There will be lots of bucking. Copious buckings. Kill the reindeer and remove their antlers for a special gift! (it's a coupon for a free McCERES burger.)

PHASE III

[ 0000 ] Once you reach the entrance of the mall, you'll be confronted with the icy labyrinth, guarded by a minotaur. He is large and in charge and will probably try to mow you down once he sees you. None of your weapons or magic will work, though. To pacify this beast, you will have to hug him. He requires a hug with feeling. He will tell you as much when you confront him. Give him a good squeeze then let him be. Love can cure many things!

PHASE IV

[ 0000 ] Are you done running around this maze of a mall? Tired of seeing the same Vidia's Secret store a dozen times? Alas, there is one last trial. It comes in the form of obnoxious carols being crooned in your direction by a beautiful ice queen. She's beckoning you to her with a siren song in the form of merry Christmas music, luring you in little by little and making you walk towards her while she tries to enchant you. She'll lean in close and whisper the rest of the song in your ear, and once you're in her trance, you'll turn on your own friends and party members to try and kill them. To avoid being drawn into her trance, you'll have to be knocked around a few times to regain your bearings. Then, it's either destroy her or be subjected to her ice magic. However, before she dies, she'll look deep into your eyes and beg you to save her and not to forget her.

She needs you.

Once you defeat her, Santa Bot will appear to dance a merry jig in your honor and shower you with credits. Hooray!

BONUS

[ whyo'clock ] You can't escape Christmas without a random sprig of mistletoe floating around your head and following you around. For those who try to escape, the mistletoe bot will only move all the quicker. Those caught under its insistent floating will be compelled to kiss a neighbor or two or ten. Or even kiss the minotaur. What we're saying is you should probably run.

[ Remember to apply proper warnings on threads with trigger-y or inappropriate material and do let a mod know if your thread careens off into maiming or canoodling so we can lock the meme. ]

//RUN.EXE

Welcome to CEREALIA's fifth Test Drive Meme. For your convenience, we have compiled a post detailing everyone's arrival experience and a FAQ that should explain everything in more detail. Please read them thoroughly before playing. Thank you!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

You mean besides running?

[ Dean shakes his head and then stares around the place looking for inspiration. ]

Don't suppose you've got a red cape hiding under those clothes do you? Because if it's anything like a bull, then it might be distracted just long enough for us to slip past it.

[ and then they run like hell. ]

[Dean's comment earns him an arched brow.]

So we can go back to the crazy deer? I'll pass.

[No part of that sounds like a fun alternative to Shinjiro, not after he's gotten physical proof of just how violent those animals are. Those bruises'll take a few days to heal at the very least.]

No cape, but I got a coat. You really think it'll work?

[He's not entirely serious about waving his coat around, because a) he'll feel like a dumbass, and b) it's probably not gonna work anyway. But it's not like they've got any other options at the moment.

Better hope your idea's a good one, Dean.]

Hey, at least the deer is the danger we know! And if you get yourself a rope, maybe we could just catch ourselves a ride.

[ he grins and waggles his brows but before he could do much more, he hears the minotaur crunch its way towards them, rumbling as he begged them for a hug. Blinking, Dean just stared at Shinjiro before shaking his head. ]

Sorry, did I just hear you ask me to hug you?

[ because it's that or he's hearing things. ]

[Sadly, he's got no rope. He's also got no idea what Dean's talking about with regards to the hug nonsense. It's so ridiculous Shinjiro nearly doesn't reply, but changes his mind at the last second with a very flat:]

No. [You're definitely hearing things, Dean.] Give yourself a hug if you really need one.

[Because that's clearly the explanation here. The guy's deluded or craving some sort of physical affection. Shinjiro's not about to give it any time soon.]

[ uh, excuse you? ]

No thanks. I only accept hugs from cute girls and I'm pretty sure you and me don't exactly meet that standard.

[ except now there's a loud keening noise coming from somewhere that sounds suspiciously like a crying minotaur. Now let's just hope Dean didn't hurt the poor girl's feeling. ]

[He's excused, thanks very much.

But hey, that's a sentiment they can both agree on, the fact that neither of them are each other's types. The agreement's dimmed a little by the poor wording - you've labeled yourself as a potential pervert, congrats Dean.

Any comment Shinjiro's about to make on their compatibility - or complete lack thereof - is interrupted by a sad minotaur cry, enough to fully attract Shinjiro's attention.]

Is it crying...?

[Seriously? Why is this place so weird.]

[ Dean's giving it the full on skeeved look as he shuffles a step back and ponders whether or not the reindeer really were the lesser of two evils. ]

I don't know, but it certainly looks like it. Maybe he's the one who wanted that hug.

..... Maybe you should give it one.

[ y'know, in spirit of the holiday and all that? ]

[That's the most ludicrous suggestion he's heard in the past day, possibly the past week, and he takes a step back - both from Dean and the minotaur - and shakes his head firmly, scoffing.]

Hell no. [Said with a little more force than entirely necessary. (That poor minotaur, rejected so cruelly like this!)] If anyone's gonna hug it, it's gonna be you.

[He doesn't do hugs. At least not in public where other people can see.]

Hey! Just look at the guy. You'll hurt his feelings if you keep talking like that! And anyway, weren't you the guy beating on him when I walked up? I'd say that rates a hug of apology, wouldn't you?

[ says Dean now pointing to the poor creature weeping into its hooves. pretty soon, that thing is gonna start charging 'em again! And nobody wants that. Really. So just be a good boy, Shinjiro and tap into your inner knight or something. Aren't those guys supposed to be chivalrous or something? ]

[Shinjiro's tempted to say that the thing doesn't have feelings, but having spent so much time with Koromaru he knows he can't fully say that in good conscience. And the thing does look pretty sad, that he can't deny. Still, his willingness to give a hug simply to make it feel better is lower than low right now.]

Is he gonna let both of us through if I hug him?

[NGL he kind of....wants Dean to hug it too if he has to.]

[ he eyes the thing and then shrugged ]

Beats me. Won't know until you try.

[ and by try, that means Dean's gonna try sneaking around the back while Shinjiro goes in for the kill. He'll catch the next one. Promise. ]

[Dean, you little cheat. He gets a long stare before Shinjiro finally turns with a scoff. Fine, whatever, he'll hug the damn thing and then maybe they can get this all over and done with and move on to the next awful thing.]

Better get outta the way in case it does something.

[He is still so many levels of no about all this but there's really no other choice. Gingerly, he steps up towards the minotaur, and then very carefully stretches his arms around the thing, a hefty scowl on his face the whole time. This is so embarrassing.

(Someone might need to tell him he needs to do it with more feeling though. The minotaur doesn't look very satisfied.)]

[ Dean backs up with hands raised and a self-satisfied smirk on his face as Shinjiro takes the first step towards a fulfilling career specialist as a minotaur psychotherapist.

And he would've gotten away with sneaking past the thing if the Minotaur hadn't made such an awful ruckus the second Dean stepped even with the thing and started thrashing even worse than before. Jumping back, Dean stares at them both with alarm. ]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, I told you hug the thing, not molest him! What the heck are you doing?!

[For a second Shinjiro manages to convince himself that everything'll be okay. that he's not standing stiffly with his arms wrapped around some creepy bullcreature because there's no way else to proceed from here. The minute's broken soon as Dean tries to sneak past; the thrashings of the minotaur are so intense that Shinjiro's forced backwards with a surprised grunt, hands thrown up in front of him to prevent any (further) injury.

He turns to Dean, flabbergasted.]

What the hell happened?!

[The....whatever just happened right then and there.]

[ Dean just shook his head ]

I don't know man, one second he looked like he was going to cry and the next he just flat out rejected you. You didn't try to feel him up did you?

[ because, um... something. yeah. Dean was just standing here the whole time! ]

//TESTDRIVE5.0.EXE

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