PHASE I [ 9 00 ] You open your eyes, and there is a chicken pecking at your face. It's not a very happy chicken, either, but if you can manage to fend it off, then it will be clear that you are in a village. It is... medieval-esque, in that video game sort of way; the details don’t seem too clear, but if you look to your left, there’s a cow! And to your right, a well! Ignore the clear evidence of modern technology in the buildings such as lights, gas, and 21st century plumbing; CERES is dedicated to authenticity.
Looks like the new ViViD level has finally been released, and everyone is invited to play, whether they want to or not.
The game (because this time, that's surely what it is) will start simple. Everyone begins in the same place and every NPC villager will say the same thing: to get out of here, you have to go through the caves. They’ll shove a stick at you (“take this, it’s dangerous to go alone”) and off you go, into the caves… !
Which are full of tiny rats and more chickens. They will try to fight you, but it’s really not very effective when they’re perfectly small and average (especially when everyone still has their typical powers and abilities -- CERES didn't mess with those at all this time). The caves are winding and circular and maze-like, and to make matters even worse, the only ones around are the other poor saps stuck in this situation.
But if you kill enough of the rats, you’ll get to hear the satisfying level up jingle. Congratulations! You are now level 2. It's probably satisfying just for a minute or so until you finally find your way out of those maze like caves and -- You're back in the village again. Great.
PHASE II [ 930 ] You’re carrying a bag. No matter what you do, you can’t take it off, either; it’s stuck with you through thick and thin. But it is awfully heavy. Maybe you should actually open it and see what’s inside?
The problem is, it’s going to take a while.
The bag has clearly tapped into its true hammerspace nature; there are items for days in there, and they’re all very, very strange. You might end up covered in hats of all sorts, buried in logs as you pull out one after another, or look like you have an odd fetish for pickaxes.
Maybe there’s 1/3rd of an evil turnip, half a piece of pie and an egg.
Geez, what in the world are you supposed to do with all of that?
PHASE III [ 1200 ] Eventually, you make it out of the caves the right way despite the harassment of the rats and chickens and the fact you'll keep perpetually getting lost. Hooray! You come out into a large, peaceful, scenic meadow, with a small river bubbling off to one side, and a house.
You'll immediately notice that there’s a bridge to cross the river, but there’s someone standing in the way of that bridge. When you approach to go past him, no matter what you try to do, you won't be able to. Asking him why he won't move will only get one thing in response -- “Bring me a fish. Cooked.”
Then he’ll shove a fishing rod at you and expect you to get to it. You can’t attack him, you can’t get past him -- looks like the only thing to do is to catch and cook that fish. Time to sit back, relax, and get to work. Or maybe you’ll team up with someone else and be the person in the house making sure that the fish gets cooked properly. For some reason, if you leave it too long it turns right into a pile of ashes.
Weirdly though, no matter how good you are at cooking or fishing usually, it’s as if you’re right back at the metaphorical level one. Any sort of seasoning or effort to cook it faster falls flat and in the end you'll only be able to place the fish in the pan and set it on the stove, whole. This may take awhile.
And if you try to cross the river itself, well... no, really, don’t try to cross the river.
At least if you get eaten, you’ll just respawn back in the village, but do have fun traveling through the caves again!
PHASE IV [ 1430 ] You made it through the caves. You made it across the river (with a slightly burnt fish). You’ve made it to the wide open world, and you can finally adventure to your heart’s content. You take a step forward on the road and --
A message pops up, bright red and in your face.
[ Restricted Area: Members Only ]
No matter what you do, you can’t go past that point. In fact, if you’re not careful and you’re going too fast, you might run face-first into it like it’s an invisible wall (which it is).
Then, just like that, you're back in the village. Again. Only this time, there's a nice, blinking message -- Pay a small subscription fee to access member's content. Oh well. No big deal, you can just start again.
Except then you see a cool sword and when you try to pick it up, you'll get that same message, and end up transported back to the village yet again. And again, with some shiny new armor. And again, with that attention-grabbing NPC over there. Looks like you're caught in an infinite loop here but no matter how much you inspect the pop up, there's no... actual way to pay the subscription fee (and why would you want to?). But at least you have company, because you can't be the only person who thought that sword was cool.
(It was really, really cool.)
BONUS [ xxxx ] What’s that on the ground in front of you? It looks like… some bunny ears? Or maybe it’s a chicken head, or a pumpkin head. Either way, the moment you touch it, you have a strong need to put it on your head -- and once it’s on, it’s not coming off.
To make matters worse, each hat has an effect associated with it; the bunny ears will, in fact, randomly turn you into a cute fluffy bunny for anywhere from 5 minutes to an hour before you pop right back to yourself, whereas the pumpkin hat will, in a complete reversal, turn you into Cinderella for a bit -- complete with beautiful ball gown and the ability to talk to all of those cute fluffy bunnies.
Also the rats will love you, so maybe you should go back to the caves again.
Meanwhile, the chicken hat won't transform you into any odd creature, but it will inspire in the people wearing them a very real, persistent desire to build a nest. This will involve picking up twigs, trash, shiny things and whatever else catches your eye to try to build a nest out of it. You'll also try to pick up whatever food you find on the ground to eat, have the weirdest desire to lay an egg, and basically have all sorts of odd chicken-like instincts inflicted upon you.
At least you look festive!
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no subject
[But Azamat's next comment makes him look back, which he does without slowing his pace at all, because Uriel is that magical.]
Oh dear! Have you never eaten fish and chips?
[He is mildly mortified. You are missing something important, Azamat. Not the part about your digestive system, of course. But honestly, human food is all right, especially that thing they call alcohol.]
no subject
[Azamat couldn't help but stare - not only at what Uriel said, but the whole walking without looking forwards thing. How was he doing that so fast without tripping over??]
I've never eaten human food. It's, well, for humans, so.
[Except for alcohol. Everyone enjoys alcohol, so at least they were of one mind on that front]
no subject
Well, that is very surprising. Who would think that future angels were so sheltered?]
Is that so? My, I should prepare carrots soup once we return. You ought to start with something light and easy, wouldn't you agree?
[He doesn't wish Azamat to harm himself, like biting his tongue off or something equally tragic. Baby food, perhaps... And speaking of harming oneself, here is the man on the bridge. ]
Excuse me, sir. Would that be acceptable?
no subject
But Azamat didn't have time to ponder this further. Seeing that they had reached the bridge and the old man, he eagerly scuttled forwards to stand beside Uriel, hopefully holding out the toasted fish guts for inspection. Please let this be it, please, please, pleaseeeeeee~
The old man inspected the fish guts, letting out a long, drawn out "hm". His head bobbed as if in a nod, Azamat could feel victory within their grasp-]
"Bring me a fish. Cooked."
[-and. Oh. A fish. A fish. As in, an actual fish. Azamat felt like he'd just been mugged of all of his money, his depth of despair was so deep, and he slumped, wings drooping in sheer disappointment. This meant they'd have to go back, and fish, and... try to cook... and... and...
He felt like crying.]
no subject
Spreading his fluffy wing, he rubs it on Azamat's back in a comforting gesture. Hey, hey, they may be locked in a ridiculous loop of doom, but there is no reason to cry.]
It is all right. We can use the fish guts as bait, can't we?
no subject
....I guess....
[He mumbled this, but finally straightened up out of his literal slump, looking teary-eyed. This must be punishment for his sins, or something. He slowly turned around and began dragging his feet towards where they had been fishing previously. May as well get it over with]
no subject
He is good at waiting, though to be fair boredom tends to kindle his er...hobby.]
...I bet it will be a female fish.
[He says...oh so casually, as he casts the line back into the river.]
no subject
Very carefully, because these feathers had cut him more than he'd like in a moment of inattention, he combed his fingers through one wing, plucking out any that looked loose or positively bedraggled or bent, making a nice little pile beside him. He seemed determined to stay like this until a fish was caught, up until Uriel spoke up again]
...
[Azamat paused mid-groom, turning his head slightly to stare at Uriel, as if the older angel had done something particularly odd. Was he actually...?]
...I bet it'll be male.
[Finally. They have met solid, common ground. Azamat was a terrible gambling addict...]