PHASE I [ 9 00 ] You open your eyes, and there is a chicken pecking at your face. It's not a very happy chicken, either, but if you can manage to fend it off, then it will be clear that you are in a village. It is... medieval-esque, in that video game sort of way; the details don’t seem too clear, but if you look to your left, there’s a cow! And to your right, a well! Ignore the clear evidence of modern technology in the buildings such as lights, gas, and 21st century plumbing; CERES is dedicated to authenticity.
Looks like the new ViViD level has finally been released, and everyone is invited to play, whether they want to or not.
The game (because this time, that's surely what it is) will start simple. Everyone begins in the same place and every NPC villager will say the same thing: to get out of here, you have to go through the caves. They’ll shove a stick at you (“take this, it’s dangerous to go alone”) and off you go, into the caves… !
Which are full of tiny rats and more chickens. They will try to fight you, but it’s really not very effective when they’re perfectly small and average (especially when everyone still has their typical powers and abilities -- CERES didn't mess with those at all this time). The caves are winding and circular and maze-like, and to make matters even worse, the only ones around are the other poor saps stuck in this situation.
But if you kill enough of the rats, you’ll get to hear the satisfying level up jingle. Congratulations! You are now level 2. It's probably satisfying just for a minute or so until you finally find your way out of those maze like caves and -- You're back in the village again. Great.
PHASE II [ 930 ] You’re carrying a bag. No matter what you do, you can’t take it off, either; it’s stuck with you through thick and thin. But it is awfully heavy. Maybe you should actually open it and see what’s inside?
The problem is, it’s going to take a while.
The bag has clearly tapped into its true hammerspace nature; there are items for days in there, and they’re all very, very strange. You might end up covered in hats of all sorts, buried in logs as you pull out one after another, or look like you have an odd fetish for pickaxes.
Maybe there’s 1/3rd of an evil turnip, half a piece of pie and an egg.
Geez, what in the world are you supposed to do with all of that?
PHASE III [ 1200 ] Eventually, you make it out of the caves the right way despite the harassment of the rats and chickens and the fact you'll keep perpetually getting lost. Hooray! You come out into a large, peaceful, scenic meadow, with a small river bubbling off to one side, and a house.
You'll immediately notice that there’s a bridge to cross the river, but there’s someone standing in the way of that bridge. When you approach to go past him, no matter what you try to do, you won't be able to. Asking him why he won't move will only get one thing in response -- “Bring me a fish. Cooked.”
Then he’ll shove a fishing rod at you and expect you to get to it. You can’t attack him, you can’t get past him -- looks like the only thing to do is to catch and cook that fish. Time to sit back, relax, and get to work. Or maybe you’ll team up with someone else and be the person in the house making sure that the fish gets cooked properly. For some reason, if you leave it too long it turns right into a pile of ashes.
Weirdly though, no matter how good you are at cooking or fishing usually, it’s as if you’re right back at the metaphorical level one. Any sort of seasoning or effort to cook it faster falls flat and in the end you'll only be able to place the fish in the pan and set it on the stove, whole. This may take awhile.
And if you try to cross the river itself, well... no, really, don’t try to cross the river.
At least if you get eaten, you’ll just respawn back in the village, but do have fun traveling through the caves again!
PHASE IV [ 1430 ] You made it through the caves. You made it across the river (with a slightly burnt fish). You’ve made it to the wide open world, and you can finally adventure to your heart’s content. You take a step forward on the road and --
A message pops up, bright red and in your face.
[ Restricted Area: Members Only ]
No matter what you do, you can’t go past that point. In fact, if you’re not careful and you’re going too fast, you might run face-first into it like it’s an invisible wall (which it is).
Then, just like that, you're back in the village. Again. Only this time, there's a nice, blinking message -- Pay a small subscription fee to access member's content. Oh well. No big deal, you can just start again.
Except then you see a cool sword and when you try to pick it up, you'll get that same message, and end up transported back to the village yet again. And again, with some shiny new armor. And again, with that attention-grabbing NPC over there. Looks like you're caught in an infinite loop here but no matter how much you inspect the pop up, there's no... actual way to pay the subscription fee (and why would you want to?). But at least you have company, because you can't be the only person who thought that sword was cool.
(It was really, really cool.)
BONUS [ xxxx ] What’s that on the ground in front of you? It looks like… some bunny ears? Or maybe it’s a chicken head, or a pumpkin head. Either way, the moment you touch it, you have a strong need to put it on your head -- and once it’s on, it’s not coming off.
To make matters worse, each hat has an effect associated with it; the bunny ears will, in fact, randomly turn you into a cute fluffy bunny for anywhere from 5 minutes to an hour before you pop right back to yourself, whereas the pumpkin hat will, in a complete reversal, turn you into Cinderella for a bit -- complete with beautiful ball gown and the ability to talk to all of those cute fluffy bunnies.
Also the rats will love you, so maybe you should go back to the caves again.
Meanwhile, the chicken hat won't transform you into any odd creature, but it will inspire in the people wearing them a very real, persistent desire to build a nest. This will involve picking up twigs, trash, shiny things and whatever else catches your eye to try to build a nest out of it. You'll also try to pick up whatever food you find on the ground to eat, have the weirdest desire to lay an egg, and basically have all sorts of odd chicken-like instincts inflicted upon you.
At least you look festive!
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phase iii
WHY IS THERE A GIRL ]
Ah, uh- [ he looks around, before pointing at himself. it's obvious that she's talking to him. okay, okay, breathe, yata, you can do this. ] WHAT'S THE RIDDLE?
[ ... oops. he may have said that a bit too loudly. IT'S NOT HIS FAULT, OK. ]
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Supposing the speed of sound is 340 meters per second and two virgins are approximately three meters apart, how fast does it take a virgin's question to reach the other?
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The... normal speed?
[ how far is 340 meters jfc yata doesn't want to deal with this!!! ]
And why virgins?!
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[ This time, she'll say it slowly. ]
A virgin.
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[ that should be enough of an answer. ]
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Wait, no. ]
How moe.
1/2
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Gap moe. The disparity between your appearance and personality is so great that I feel threatened by your existence.
If this is a dream, you'll disappear if I touch you, right?
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and he quickly backs away. ]
I'm real!
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[ She'd have to agree at this point. He's too real... As real as a mannequin at Uniqlo. ]
Anyway, I'm not mad that you yelled. I'm just mad that I can't cross.
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Yeah?
[ he'll walk past hitagi, then and talk to the npc. ]
Whaddaya want?
[ insert spiel about the fish here. and he addresses hitagi again. ] Can't fish?
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Ah, no. I meant to say that I've already crossed.
It's just that there's no point to it.
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You don't want to finish the game?
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but then he takes a step forward, thinking of a question because he's trying to apply logic to this whole thing. ]
Don't you have anything better to do?
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[ In other words, the least he could do is come closer. Work hard, Yata... ]
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[ he says, holding a fist up. ]
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Didn't mean to yell.
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Sorry, sorry. I'm Senjougahara Hitagi. What do I call you?
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Yata.
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[ He's not much older than she is, is he? She tilts her head in thought. ]
Yata-...san. [ Hmm. ] Yata-...kun. [ Hmmmmmmm. ]
Yata-sama.
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[ yata-sama?! what is this, the otoge he plays so he can practice talking to women?! NO. ]
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Yata, then. [ It's not a first name, obviously. ] Yata, Yata... It reminds me of the Yatagarasu, usually associated with the sun. So that's why you keep burning up. Did you know, Yata-kun? The word 'moe' sounds like the word for 'to burn'. No wonder you're a moe character.
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Girls are supposed to be moe, not guys.
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