//TESTDRIVE11.EXE

[reparator]

//testdrive11.EXE

The sky is blue, the birds are singing, and it is a beautiful day to be a hero. And CERES sure knows that all of you people like to be heroes! So the new ViViD level is geared towards those who clearly have nothing better to do with their time than save people and take down villainous creatures!! Or, well, that seems to be the intent behind the game, but it's a little... unfinished... Welcome to CERESscape! A world dedicated to the mythical! The magical! And everything in between! You, INSERT USER INFORMATION HERE, are the hero chosen to save our world from a dire threat. Will you take up the task? Or leave us all to perish! Only you can decide our fate. Good luck, hero.

//SCENARIOS.EXE

PHASE I [ 900 ] You open your eyes, and there is a chicken pecking at your face. It's not a very happy chicken, either, but if you can manage to fend it off, then it will be clear that you are in a village. It is... medieval-esque, in that video game sort of way; the details don’t seem too clear, but if you look to your left, there’s a cow! And to your right, a well! Ignore the clear evidence of modern technology in the buildings such as lights, gas, and 21st century plumbing; CERES is dedicated to authenticity. Looks like the new ViViD level has finally been released, and everyone is invited to play, whether they want to or not. The game (because this time, that's surely what it is) will start simple. Everyone begins in the same place and every NPC villager will say the same thing: to get out of here, you have to go through the caves. They’ll shove a stick at you (“take this, it’s dangerous to go alone”) and off you go, into the caves… ! Which are full of tiny rats and more chickens. They will try to fight you, but it’s really not very effective when they’re perfectly small and average (especially when everyone still has their typical powers and abilities -- CERES didn't mess with those at all this time). The caves are winding and circular and maze-like, and to make matters even worse, the only ones around are the other poor saps stuck in this situation. But if you kill enough of the rats, you’ll get to hear the satisfying level up jingle. Congratulations! You are now level 2. It's probably satisfying just for a minute or so until you finally find your way out of those maze like caves and -- You're back in the village again. Great. PHASE II [ 930 ] You’re carrying a bag. No matter what you do, you can’t take it off, either; it’s stuck with you through thick and thin. But it is awfully heavy. Maybe you should actually open it and see what’s inside? The problem is, it’s going to take a while. The bag has clearly tapped into its true hammerspace nature; there are items for days in there, and they’re all very, very strange. You might end up covered in hats of all sorts, buried in logs as you pull out one after another, or look like you have an odd fetish for pickaxes. Maybe there’s 1/3rd of an evil turnip, half a piece of pie and an egg. Geez, what in the world are you supposed to do with all of that? PHASE III [ 1200 ] Eventually, you make it out of the caves the right way despite the harassment of the rats and chickens and the fact you'll keep perpetually getting lost. Hooray! You come out into a large, peaceful, scenic meadow, with a small river bubbling off to one side, and a house. You'll immediately notice that there’s a bridge to cross the river, but there’s someone standing in the way of that bridge. When you approach to go past him, no matter what you try to do, you won't be able to. Asking him why he won't move will only get one thing in response -- “Bring me a fish. Cooked.” Then he’ll shove a fishing rod at you and expect you to get to it. You can’t attack him, you can’t get past him -- looks like the only thing to do is to catch and cook that fish. Time to sit back, relax, and get to work. Or maybe you’ll team up with someone else and be the person in the house making sure that the fish gets cooked properly. For some reason, if you leave it too long it turns right into a pile of ashes. Weirdly though, no matter how good you are at cooking or fishing usually, it’s as if you’re right back at the metaphorical level one. Any sort of seasoning or effort to cook it faster falls flat and in the end you'll only be able to place the fish in the pan and set it on the stove, whole. This may take awhile. And if you try to cross the river itself, well... no, really, don’t try to cross the river. At least if you get eaten, you’ll just respawn back in the village, but do have fun traveling through the caves again! PHASE IV [ 1430 ] You made it through the caves. You made it across the river (with a slightly burnt fish). You’ve made it to the wide open world, and you can finally adventure to your heart’s content. You take a step forward on the road and -- A message pops up, bright red and in your face. [ Restricted Area: Members Only ] No matter what you do, you can’t go past that point. In fact, if you’re not careful and you’re going too fast, you might run face-first into it like it’s an invisible wall (which it is). Then, just like that, you're back in the village. Again. Only this time, there's a nice, blinking message -- Pay a small subscription fee to access member's content. Oh well. No big deal, you can just start again. Except then you see a cool sword and when you try to pick it up, you'll get that same message, and end up transported back to the village yet again. And again, with some shiny new armor. And again, with that attention-grabbing NPC over there. Looks like you're caught in an infinite loop here but no matter how much you inspect the pop up, there's no... actual way to pay the subscription fee (and why would you want to?). But at least you have company, because you can't be the only person who thought that sword was cool. (It was really, really cool.) BONUS [ xxxx ] What’s that on the ground in front of you? It looks like… some bunny ears? Or maybe it’s a chicken head, or a pumpkin head. Either way, the moment you touch it, you have a strong need to put it on your head -- and once it’s on, it’s not coming off. To make matters worse, each hat has an effect associated with it; the bunny ears will, in fact, randomly turn you into a cute fluffy bunny for anywhere from 5 minutes to an hour before you pop right back to yourself, whereas the pumpkin hat will, in a complete reversal, turn you into Cinderella for a bit -- complete with beautiful ball gown and the ability to talk to all of those cute fluffy bunnies. Also the rats will love you, so maybe you should go back to the caves again. Meanwhile, the chicken hat won't transform you into any odd creature, but it will inspire in the people wearing them a very real, persistent desire to build a nest. This will involve picking up twigs, trash, shiny things and whatever else catches your eye to try to build a nest out of it. You'll also try to pick up whatever food you find on the ground to eat, have the weirdest desire to lay an egg, and basically have all sorts of odd chicken-like instincts inflicted upon you. At least you look festive! [ Remember to apply proper warnings on threads with sensitive or inappropriate material and do let a mod know if your thread careens off into maiming or canoodling so we can lock the log. ]

//RUN.EXE

Welcome to CEREALIA's Eleventh Test Drive Meme. For your convenience, we have compiled a post detailing everyone's arrival experience and a FAQ that should explain everything in more detail. Please read them thoroughly before playing. Thank you!

Comments

[ahoges]

Eh? Eh????????????

[ it couldn't be that easy, could it? this is sort of like he won the argument. since when does he ever win arguments?

...no, more importantly, why does victory feel so hollow? ]

Um, Gahara-san... Could it be... are you dropping this conversation? Possibly to go find other conversations you think are more interesting? [ a pause. ] No, I can't say I don't understand that, but aren't you giving up a little too quickly?

[lostweight]

[ She stops walking. ]

Don't misunderstand. Although we are from the same series, I'm not obliged to finish a conversation with you. Sometimes life happens, or people grow tired after roleplaying with you for an extended period of time. At that point, it can't be helped; all you can do is look for other partners and move on.

[ahoges]

Well, no, I won't deny that, it's just... This is kind of anti-climactic, isn't it?

Besides, there's no way you could call this an "extended period of time." As far as test drives go, it's like you just sat down in the car and immediately decided you'd had enough. Don't you feel sympathy for the salesman who was hoping he might have a chance?

[lostweight]

You're working under the assumption that people usually feel sorry for salesmen, Araragi-kun.

[ahoges]

Normally a person would feel sorry for them! They might have kids to feed!

[lostweight]

Well, I haven't left the car, have I?

[ahoges]

Now you're giving mixed signals.

[lostweight]

[ She smiles. ]

Meta aside, Araragi-kun, I'm actually amazed that you've come this far. I almost didn't expect to find you, but I guess that's just the kind of person you are.

[ahoges]

Of course! If you're in trouble somewhere, of course I'll come running. [ not that she was really in any trouble... ]

Even if it's a completely different genre and setting.

[lostweight]

[ Hitagi's probably ten levels higher than him.

She chuckles. ]

That makes me happy to the point that I want to marry you. [ She says as she brushes her fingers against the handle of Asu—no, her sword... ]

[ahoges]

Eh? [ okay, that finally manages to get him predictably off balance. enough so that he almost literally falls over. ]

W, well... that's flattering, but I think it's a little too early. The game rules don't allow marriage until you're at least level 18.

[lostweight]

[ He's so pathetic, it's actually cute. ]

Then we'll just have to grind.

[ahoges]

...

Just for clarification, but we are talking about experience grinding, right?

[lostweight]

There's no need for clarification. You were the one who said it wasn't that kind of game, weren't you? Araragi-kun, you've only foolishly constrained the scope of this conversation with your own rules. That's too bad.

[ahoges]

Save + Reload.

[lostweight]

[ Recalling what she had done a few tags back, she gets into position. ]

Give me your two years worth, Kirito-kun.

[ahoges]

NTR!?!

[lostweight]

That's right. Although I am in a relationship with you, I'm willing to sleep with another man in front of you if that makes you happy.

[ahoges]

Nobody ever asked for that!

No... more importantly, how did my reload land me on such a dark timeline!?

[lostweight]

Don't they say you should be careful what you wish for? If you accidentally saved over an earlier file at a point where you've committed too many mistakes to fix, don't you only have yourself to blame?

[ahoges]

I don't recall ever making enough mistakes for my girlfriend to end up with the main character of another series entirely!

No, if that's the case, shouldn't you be a blonde haired cat girl or something?

[lostweight]

I see. So that's your fetish. Then I apologize from the bottom of my heart for failing to meet your disgustingly low standards.

[ahoges]

No, we're not talking about my fetishes here. If we were, the list would be a lot longer than that.

...but again, that's not what we're talking about here.

[lostweight]

Then what were we talking about, Araragi-kun? It takes too many steps for me to reload my file, so you'll have to tell me.

[ahoges]

Simple! If you were trapped in an MMORPG death game setting, obviously your character would look like this.

Coincidentally, I would probably look something like this.