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[deontology]

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Comments

[allfortheclan]

Kotarou Fuuma would like you to know, sir, that you've ruined his life at least as much as he ruined yours.

Getting to know Tenka and his family is the best and worst thing Shirasu has ever done, in his opinion. Tenka and the others loved him, accepted him, and showed him a life he would otherwise have never known existed. And Shirasu wishes he could hate Tenka for it, because now he's broken. He's broken and a failure and now being with his clan feels like it's not ever going to be enough, because they behave as Fuuma should. But after everything went wrong with the Orochi, Shirasu had started to build something that might have borne fruit in a generation or two, and he had just started to come to terms with his pain and what he'd done -- by not dealing with it so much but using it as fuel to make changes in the clan -- but coming to Cerealia has sort of destroyed any progress.

Like a lot of his early education from the Kumou, Shirasu cares about things because Tenka cares about them. Until talking in the garden, Shirasu barely gave a thought to killing the Kumou parents or causing Soramaru trauma. He had to care more about Tenka's injuries because he had regular exposure to the consequences, but even then, the feelings were muted. A sort of "well, it's done; nothing to be accomplished by dwelling on it" outlook where his personal feelings didn't factor in. He managed any stray feelings that came up, put them into a little box in his mind and moved on. But he's not the same person he was back then. Losing his brother in combination with losing the direction the Orochi provided left deeper scars than he's willing to admit. Tenka wants to know where the "real" Shirasu is and Shirasu can't tell him. Not really because he doesn't know -- he has a better idea than he did when Tenka asked him that -- but because the "real" Shirasu desperately misses the family he threw away, and is torn between hoping maybe there's a future and being almost certain it's gone for good. And then his brother's voice -- his father and mother's voices -- the leader's voice -- rise and insist any connection with Tenka or his family isn't just misguided, it's wrong. It's treason against his true family and their memories. They didn't give their lives or make those sacrifices for Shirasu to let others into his heart. The Ceremony made his heart small -- there isn't enough room. Not to mention he'd be unfit to lead his clan. He's the only one who can make the changes to give them better lives.

This is where dogma and trauma and fear mix together to set out circumstances that, when come into contact with Tenka, completely overwhelm him. He doesn't know what to do around Tenka anymore. He's constantly afraid, even while constantly seeking him. Tenka's never done anything to lose Shirasu's love or respect. And that Tenka hasn't rejected him is stupefying. In his heart he knows that's just who Tenka is. But Shirasu can't comprehend it. It's not rational. His mother hated him for killing his father -- he's done much more to Tenka than just that. Shirasu would have accepted rejection and hate from Tenka. Tenka's "you're still family" viewpoint is baffling. So, he's waiting every second for the hammer to fall. And Shirasu's also afraid he'll start doubting the necessity of everything he's done.