ioculus | //TESTDRIVE15.EXE

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!test drive

//TESTDRIVE15.EXE

//testdrive15.EXE

The clock strikes twelve. The gong of the grandfather clock in the foyer tolls out the time in slightly unnecessarily obnoxious loud noises. The ambiance of this old mansion demands respect, care, awe --

Okay, no, wait, why are you even in this stupid dusty house?

No reasons are forthcoming, because everyone knows that people just end up in places like this sometimes. That's just how the narrative device works. The hows and the whys don't matter -- all that matters is that you're all here, so you'd better get cracking and start exploring, because it's not like you can leave yet.

Or ever, maybe.

Good day, sirs and madams. Might I interest you in a nice glass of blood...y mary?

//SCENARIOS.EXE

PHASE I

[ 0215 ] All you see is white. The crash of thunder hits your ears next, punctuated by the piercing pitch of white noise in the background. After a few blinks, your vision comes back to you. Oh good, glad that you’ve joined us in the land of the living. Unlike the nondescript corpse at your feet – it looks like… a butler? Oh dear. You’ve already killed Murder Suspect Number One in most situations. How terribly ironic.

After all, who could’ve killed him but you? You might not remember, but there is definitely a murder weapon in your hand. It’s probably a knife or a poisoned glass of wine or-

Wait, is that a toaster? A full on toaster? Or maybe it’s a taser. Maybe you bludgeoned this poor guy with an entire encyclopedia. Either way, it looks like your murder weapon is a little unconventional, whether it’s a stranger’s pair of underwear or a hair curler. Are you really supposed to believe you committed a murder with these? (Yes.)

That said in the next second the double doors will be opening up. It’s pretty clear you’re not alone. Think quick!

PHASE II

[ 0600 ] Exploring more around the compound, you’ll find plenty of those tall, oil portraits of people hung around the walls. When you start walking, they’re all strangers. However by the time that you feel like you’re wandering around for an hour, two hours, they might start looking a little bit more… familiar? Mom? Is that you?

You don’t have time to think about that, though. You were clearly framed! You don't’ have a motive for killing some random NPC –

“Or do you?” a portrait will ask.

Oh. Holy shit. Well it’d just be rude to leave, right? Whether you stick around for conversation or not, you’ll find that was just the beginning. The portraits are going to start grilling you. Welcome to CERES Central’s Roast of You. What was your motive? Don’t you know you should respect the servants? How would you feel if you were caught like that? Careful turning your back on them though, because if you ignore them for too long, the subjects in the portraits may just reach out and snatch you to join them in their portrait world.

At that point, the only way to get out is to swap places with some other poor, unsuspecting soul wandering around.

PHASE III

[ 1045 ] You know what makes me hungry? Murder.

What’s the point of making a mansion this big anyway? Who’s even here? Either way, whether you’re looking for the kitchen to make a fine post-homicide sandwich or just trying to escape, you’ll eventually make it to a stairwell. The most finicky stairwell ever. Is that a trail of bloody footprints leading up the steps? What? No. Stop it, just climb.

Or well – don’t climb too quickly now. The staircases apparently have a mind of their own, swapping from one doorway to another. You definitely haven’t seen this before. It would seem that these stairs might even be interested in keeping you in a circle forever, no concern for whether or not you’re hungry or, god forbid, need to use the restroom.

However the portraits in the stairwell will provide a little tip: “The stairs are gossips, you know. Why don’t you tell us a little something about yourself? Make it good!”

Weirdly enough, sound advice – that is, if you’re interested in shouting out your most embarrassing secrets into the void so a mansion can keep talking shit about you. Oh well. Your alternative is just being a stair golem. There are worse fates.

PHASE IV

[ 1430 ] This hall is oddly quiet.

Well, until you hear it – the soft sniffles coming from down the hall, the broken sobs. It sounds like someone’s crying. For one reason or another, your footsteps take you forward – there’s really no point in going back now after all, right? Yet as you continue to walk… walk… walk… the crying becomes louder and louder. More desperate, more despaired. In time, it’s clear that this person is wailing, screaming, “How could this happen?!”

Within the span of a breath, all the lights in the hallway go out, leaving you in pitch black.

It occurs to you then that you hear a second set of steps. When did you stop walking? A cold chill runs down your spine and you find yourself running then, despite the fact that it feels like this pitch black hallway goes on forever. The other footsteps pick up, remind you that you’re not alone. No, certainly not.

Best hope that you find some assistance soon – otherwise it looks like the Butler Association is going to ignite some righteous vigilante justice on your ass.

BONUS

[ why o'clock ] You’re in the grand ballroom now, ready to present your case. Armed with a cob pipe (don’t smoke inside, it’s rude), a detective hat, and a single spotlight aimed right at you, you now have to explain how you came to the conclusion about the True Killer that is Obviously Not You. Rather, it’ll just be the character of whoever tags into this prompt – yes, you are suddenly so very sure that they’re the ones who are the ultimate mastermind of this entire game and… you’re just going to have to bullshit the reason why even if you know virtually nothing about them. It’s a dog eat dog world out there, you know?

Sorry about that.

Should you actually provide enough of a compelling case or they take pity on you, having a villainous breakdown for the sake of the plot, you’ll be awarded with a coupon that’ll give you three free scoops at your local ice cream parlor! (Note: you must buy the first two scoops in order to qualify.) Of course, if you’re not able to nail them down as the killer, you are obviously the killer yourself (citation needed).

From there, you’ll be dragged off to face your punishment: for six grueling hours you will be tickled mercilessly.

[ Remember to apply proper warnings on threads with sensitive or inappropriate material and do let a mod know if your thread careens off into maiming or canoodling so we can lock the log. ]

//RUN.EXE

Welcome to Cerealia's fifteenth Test Drive Meme. For your convenience, we have compiled a post detailing everyone's arrival experience and a FAQ that should explain everything in more detail. Please read them thoroughly before playing. Thank you!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

phase i;

[Okay, there are several things wrong with this picture.

One can forgive Jonathan for some level of reasonable confusion, after being pulled into these circumstances so suddenly, but he can't decide whether he should be more distressed at the current moment, or outright perplexed. His initial reaction to the body laying in a heap at his feet is panic and intense concern, crouching down and wondering where on Earth he should feel for a pulse. He's immediately worried that his memory of the past few moments is uncharacteristically blurry, but as he comes to realize he's holding a murder weapon in his palm, the situation only becomes further complicated.]

What is the meaning of this?!

[It's an egg.

He's holding an egg. An unboiled, perfectly intact egg, at that, aside from a blood splatter staining the surface. He may be an archaeology major, but he's been educated enough in physics and the sciences at large to know this situation is just about impossible. And yet...

He's about to further voice how perplexed he is when the doors open up behind him, and he spins around, still holding the bloodied egg and failing to realize this may look somewhat incriminating.]

Is someone there?

phase iv;

[To say that Jonathan is on edge would be a gross understatement. Every step he takes is made with great caution, glancing around the empty hallway for any kindred spirit who isn't about to pronounce him a vagrant or a murderer. His own quiet, rhythmic breathing punctuates the near-silence, and for a moment he thinks he's alone, until--]

S-Someone is crying!

[His footsteps immediately gain purpose as he bounds down the corridor, looking for the source of the noise. In this moment, he has little concern for himself. Whoever else is in this mansion is almost certainly frightened, could be hurt, and he's not about to let any other murders take place.]

Whoever you are, stay safe! I'll be there as soon as I can!

[Then there's a wail, the lights go dark, and Jonathan realizes that he is certainly not alone.

It's at this moment that he's grateful for his years playing rugby in university because his legs are moving underneath him like pistons, and he has a feeling it will be a while before he stops running.]

bonus;

At last, I have uncovered your heinous plot. I can scarcely believe this, and yet...

[The spotlight snaps to Jonathan as he takes the pipe between his fingers. The detective outfit is really quite befitting of him, actually. He paces around the ballroom with his back to you, seeming tense yet conflicted, before turning around with a flourish, his glare burning holes through whoever is unfortunate enough to be his chief suspect.]

All this time, you must have been working against us!

Edited 2016-07-01 01:45 (UTC)

Yes. [It's a girl in a wheelchair. She's probably not here to commit any murders, at least.

Togo looks from Jonathan to the body, then back to the murder weapon.]

...Is that an egg?

[Jonathan gasps and immediately tenses up, and for a moment he looks like he's going to move to shield her eyes - a young girl shouldn't be witnessing the gruesome scene of a killing - but by the time she comments on the murder weapon, he figures it's probably too late. He sighs and glances her up and down, seeming to relax at least a little. He's slightly confused about her wheelchair at first, but draws the connection fairly quickly to the less advanced models he's seen occasionally in London.]

I...suppose so?

[He glances down at the egg again, turning it over in his hand.]

To be honest, I have very little idea what situation I've found myself in.

[Togo seems... surprisingly unfazed by the corpse. Listen, she's seen some shit.]

I don't suppose you know some kind of ancient martial art that could use an egg to kill a man without cracking the shell?

[Let's be real, though, Hamon could probably do it somehow.]

jonathan joestar | jojo's bizarre adventure

Phase 1

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b-bonus....

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phase 1

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bonus...!!

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Phase I

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Bonus

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phase i!!!

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iv - Hello there very different me~

HI VERY DIFFERENT ME

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