ioculus | //TESTDRIVE15.EXE

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//TESTDRIVE15.EXE

//testdrive15.EXE

The clock strikes twelve. The gong of the grandfather clock in the foyer tolls out the time in slightly unnecessarily obnoxious loud noises. The ambiance of this old mansion demands respect, care, awe --

Okay, no, wait, why are you even in this stupid dusty house?

No reasons are forthcoming, because everyone knows that people just end up in places like this sometimes. That's just how the narrative device works. The hows and the whys don't matter -- all that matters is that you're all here, so you'd better get cracking and start exploring, because it's not like you can leave yet.

Or ever, maybe.

Good day, sirs and madams. Might I interest you in a nice glass of blood...y mary?

//SCENARIOS.EXE

PHASE I

[ 0215 ] All you see is white. The crash of thunder hits your ears next, punctuated by the piercing pitch of white noise in the background. After a few blinks, your vision comes back to you. Oh good, glad that you’ve joined us in the land of the living. Unlike the nondescript corpse at your feet – it looks like… a butler? Oh dear. You’ve already killed Murder Suspect Number One in most situations. How terribly ironic.

After all, who could’ve killed him but you? You might not remember, but there is definitely a murder weapon in your hand. It’s probably a knife or a poisoned glass of wine or-

Wait, is that a toaster? A full on toaster? Or maybe it’s a taser. Maybe you bludgeoned this poor guy with an entire encyclopedia. Either way, it looks like your murder weapon is a little unconventional, whether it’s a stranger’s pair of underwear or a hair curler. Are you really supposed to believe you committed a murder with these? (Yes.)

That said in the next second the double doors will be opening up. It’s pretty clear you’re not alone. Think quick!

PHASE II

[ 0600 ] Exploring more around the compound, you’ll find plenty of those tall, oil portraits of people hung around the walls. When you start walking, they’re all strangers. However by the time that you feel like you’re wandering around for an hour, two hours, they might start looking a little bit more… familiar? Mom? Is that you?

You don’t have time to think about that, though. You were clearly framed! You don't’ have a motive for killing some random NPC –

“Or do you?” a portrait will ask.

Oh. Holy shit. Well it’d just be rude to leave, right? Whether you stick around for conversation or not, you’ll find that was just the beginning. The portraits are going to start grilling you. Welcome to CERES Central’s Roast of You. What was your motive? Don’t you know you should respect the servants? How would you feel if you were caught like that? Careful turning your back on them though, because if you ignore them for too long, the subjects in the portraits may just reach out and snatch you to join them in their portrait world.

At that point, the only way to get out is to swap places with some other poor, unsuspecting soul wandering around.

PHASE III

[ 1045 ] You know what makes me hungry? Murder.

What’s the point of making a mansion this big anyway? Who’s even here? Either way, whether you’re looking for the kitchen to make a fine post-homicide sandwich or just trying to escape, you’ll eventually make it to a stairwell. The most finicky stairwell ever. Is that a trail of bloody footprints leading up the steps? What? No. Stop it, just climb.

Or well – don’t climb too quickly now. The staircases apparently have a mind of their own, swapping from one doorway to another. You definitely haven’t seen this before. It would seem that these stairs might even be interested in keeping you in a circle forever, no concern for whether or not you’re hungry or, god forbid, need to use the restroom.

However the portraits in the stairwell will provide a little tip: “The stairs are gossips, you know. Why don’t you tell us a little something about yourself? Make it good!”

Weirdly enough, sound advice – that is, if you’re interested in shouting out your most embarrassing secrets into the void so a mansion can keep talking shit about you. Oh well. Your alternative is just being a stair golem. There are worse fates.

PHASE IV

[ 1430 ] This hall is oddly quiet.

Well, until you hear it – the soft sniffles coming from down the hall, the broken sobs. It sounds like someone’s crying. For one reason or another, your footsteps take you forward – there’s really no point in going back now after all, right? Yet as you continue to walk… walk… walk… the crying becomes louder and louder. More desperate, more despaired. In time, it’s clear that this person is wailing, screaming, “How could this happen?!”

Within the span of a breath, all the lights in the hallway go out, leaving you in pitch black.

It occurs to you then that you hear a second set of steps. When did you stop walking? A cold chill runs down your spine and you find yourself running then, despite the fact that it feels like this pitch black hallway goes on forever. The other footsteps pick up, remind you that you’re not alone. No, certainly not.

Best hope that you find some assistance soon – otherwise it looks like the Butler Association is going to ignite some righteous vigilante justice on your ass.

BONUS

[ why o'clock ] You’re in the grand ballroom now, ready to present your case. Armed with a cob pipe (don’t smoke inside, it’s rude), a detective hat, and a single spotlight aimed right at you, you now have to explain how you came to the conclusion about the True Killer that is Obviously Not You. Rather, it’ll just be the character of whoever tags into this prompt – yes, you are suddenly so very sure that they’re the ones who are the ultimate mastermind of this entire game and… you’re just going to have to bullshit the reason why even if you know virtually nothing about them. It’s a dog eat dog world out there, you know?

Sorry about that.

Should you actually provide enough of a compelling case or they take pity on you, having a villainous breakdown for the sake of the plot, you’ll be awarded with a coupon that’ll give you three free scoops at your local ice cream parlor! (Note: you must buy the first two scoops in order to qualify.) Of course, if you’re not able to nail them down as the killer, you are obviously the killer yourself (citation needed).

From there, you’ll be dragged off to face your punishment: for six grueling hours you will be tickled mercilessly.

[ Remember to apply proper warnings on threads with sensitive or inappropriate material and do let a mod know if your thread careens off into maiming or canoodling so we can lock the log. ]

//RUN.EXE

Welcome to Cerealia's fifteenth Test Drive Meme. For your convenience, we have compiled a post detailing everyone's arrival experience and a FAQ that should explain everything in more detail. Please read them thoroughly before playing. Thank you!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ PHASE II ]
[The portraits are absolutely relentless. Unfortunately so is Jessica herself. She's already thoroughly frazzled from finding herself standing over a body clutching onto a statue that looks suspiciously Slime-like. The lovely jaunt about the compound shortly after hasn't helped either, particularly when the only thing she has been able to find has been rows and rows of paintings that slowly looked more and more familiar.

Anyone will hear the redhead long before they come across her. Her hands are planted firmly on her hips and she's giving this oil painting of some random old man an absolutely livid look. Her voice is firm and sharp in it's bit of a British accent.]

I told you already I had nothing to do with it! What in the world would I gain from killing some random servant?! I wasn't possessed or any such, I would at least remember that! So just lay off already.

[She's very firm about those last words, thank you very much. She huffs out an indignant breath as she straightens up, then turns to walk away.]

What a weird place. First the butler, now the paintings...

[ PHASE III ]
[Then the paintings and now? Now the stairs. And more paintings of course. Jessica is quickly losing her patience after the fifth or so time of going round and round these staircases. She's dead certain they're moving now and stops in her tracks to glare up at the stairs themselves as if she can intimidate them into working properly. And that's when a nearby portrait starts chattering again, though this time with advice

"The stairs are gossips, you know. Why don’t you tell us a little something about yourself? Make it good!"

She pauses, blinking a bit at the portrait.]

Gossips? So what then, I have to tell them some really juicy news?

["Absolutely! The more scandalous and juicy, the better!". Jessica looks quite dubious at this enthusiastic reply.]

... And then they'll behave?

["It's worth a try," states the portrait. It's not really the answer she wants but she doesn't really have a lot of choice here. The redhead stands a moment, trying to fathom up what could possibly be the best bit of gossip about herself. Then she blushes just a little.]

I do like the occasional romance novel now and then. Not often of course but the fairy tale sorts are rather sweet.

[She admits as much in near a mumble and the portrait just sighs in near disgust. "That's juicy to you?"

Jessica's flush spreads as her anger spikes immediately. Once again she's near shouting at a portrait.]

Well pardon me if I don't have any amazing exploits to share with the stairs, you daft bit of canvas!! Why should I be telling either of you anything anyhow?! Just let me through already!

[ WILDCARD ]
[Feel free to throw prompts at me. PM with any questions.]

[ Oh look, another victim of weird painting shouting. ]

They haven't stopped talking since I found this place. I've started wondering what would happen if I set the portraits on fire.

[At first the redhead looks over to the other woman in what seems like surprise. And then she breaks into a big grin.]

Now there's a good idea. I'm ashamed I didn't think of it already.

[And with Jessica assumes a wider stance, thrusting her arms out straight to either side.]

You may want to step back a bit. This will definitely put these paintings in their place.

[She's about to charge up Frizzle here and either char some paintings or set fire to the wall, one or the other.]

Keeping my distance.

[Togo rolls herself back a bit, curious where this is going. Is this girl like her...?]

[It doesn't take long. A little gesturing, a few golden rings of light surrounding her and then boom the spell hits. And it makes good too! The edges of the paintings are all burning now aaaand maybe a few decorative fake flowers nearby them but hey, those are the breaks! Jessica's hands plop back onto her hips and she gives a well-pleased smile as more than one portrait squeals about, "Oh no, you'll singe my canvas!"

She turns back to Togo now, pleasantly bright in front of the flames.]

Well now, that ends that! Shall we see if we can't find a way out of this dusty old place now without those things bickering at us?

[Togo takes a moment to respond to that, staring at the fire that Jessica just shot over half the hallway. Eventually, she composes herself.]

Sorry, I'm just really surprised. I wasn't expecting to meet someone else capable of using magical abilities here.

[It's her turn for mild surprise.]

Oh? Is it that odd? At home it's fairly normal really. ... Well, perhaps normal is a bit misleading. Among my friends and family it feels like it's very normal.

[Togo fiddles with her phone for a second, and some kind of small blue fire spirit materializes over her shoulder.]

Where I'm from, that kind of power served a very specialized purpose, and very few people have the aptitude for it. A world where normal people can just use magic whenever they want sounds like something out of a fantasy book.

Jessica Albert | Dragon Quest 8

Phase 2

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phase ii

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Phase III

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III!

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