ioculus | //TESTDRIVE15.EXE

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!test drive

//TESTDRIVE15.EXE

//testdrive15.EXE

The clock strikes twelve. The gong of the grandfather clock in the foyer tolls out the time in slightly unnecessarily obnoxious loud noises. The ambiance of this old mansion demands respect, care, awe --

Okay, no, wait, why are you even in this stupid dusty house?

No reasons are forthcoming, because everyone knows that people just end up in places like this sometimes. That's just how the narrative device works. The hows and the whys don't matter -- all that matters is that you're all here, so you'd better get cracking and start exploring, because it's not like you can leave yet.

Or ever, maybe.

Good day, sirs and madams. Might I interest you in a nice glass of blood...y mary?

//SCENARIOS.EXE

PHASE I

[ 0215 ] All you see is white. The crash of thunder hits your ears next, punctuated by the piercing pitch of white noise in the background. After a few blinks, your vision comes back to you. Oh good, glad that you’ve joined us in the land of the living. Unlike the nondescript corpse at your feet – it looks like… a butler? Oh dear. You’ve already killed Murder Suspect Number One in most situations. How terribly ironic.

After all, who could’ve killed him but you? You might not remember, but there is definitely a murder weapon in your hand. It’s probably a knife or a poisoned glass of wine or-

Wait, is that a toaster? A full on toaster? Or maybe it’s a taser. Maybe you bludgeoned this poor guy with an entire encyclopedia. Either way, it looks like your murder weapon is a little unconventional, whether it’s a stranger’s pair of underwear or a hair curler. Are you really supposed to believe you committed a murder with these? (Yes.)

That said in the next second the double doors will be opening up. It’s pretty clear you’re not alone. Think quick!

PHASE II

[ 0600 ] Exploring more around the compound, you’ll find plenty of those tall, oil portraits of people hung around the walls. When you start walking, they’re all strangers. However by the time that you feel like you’re wandering around for an hour, two hours, they might start looking a little bit more… familiar? Mom? Is that you?

You don’t have time to think about that, though. You were clearly framed! You don't’ have a motive for killing some random NPC –

“Or do you?” a portrait will ask.

Oh. Holy shit. Well it’d just be rude to leave, right? Whether you stick around for conversation or not, you’ll find that was just the beginning. The portraits are going to start grilling you. Welcome to CERES Central’s Roast of You. What was your motive? Don’t you know you should respect the servants? How would you feel if you were caught like that? Careful turning your back on them though, because if you ignore them for too long, the subjects in the portraits may just reach out and snatch you to join them in their portrait world.

At that point, the only way to get out is to swap places with some other poor, unsuspecting soul wandering around.

PHASE III

[ 1045 ] You know what makes me hungry? Murder.

What’s the point of making a mansion this big anyway? Who’s even here? Either way, whether you’re looking for the kitchen to make a fine post-homicide sandwich or just trying to escape, you’ll eventually make it to a stairwell. The most finicky stairwell ever. Is that a trail of bloody footprints leading up the steps? What? No. Stop it, just climb.

Or well – don’t climb too quickly now. The staircases apparently have a mind of their own, swapping from one doorway to another. You definitely haven’t seen this before. It would seem that these stairs might even be interested in keeping you in a circle forever, no concern for whether or not you’re hungry or, god forbid, need to use the restroom.

However the portraits in the stairwell will provide a little tip: “The stairs are gossips, you know. Why don’t you tell us a little something about yourself? Make it good!”

Weirdly enough, sound advice – that is, if you’re interested in shouting out your most embarrassing secrets into the void so a mansion can keep talking shit about you. Oh well. Your alternative is just being a stair golem. There are worse fates.

PHASE IV

[ 1430 ] This hall is oddly quiet.

Well, until you hear it – the soft sniffles coming from down the hall, the broken sobs. It sounds like someone’s crying. For one reason or another, your footsteps take you forward – there’s really no point in going back now after all, right? Yet as you continue to walk… walk… walk… the crying becomes louder and louder. More desperate, more despaired. In time, it’s clear that this person is wailing, screaming, “How could this happen?!”

Within the span of a breath, all the lights in the hallway go out, leaving you in pitch black.

It occurs to you then that you hear a second set of steps. When did you stop walking? A cold chill runs down your spine and you find yourself running then, despite the fact that it feels like this pitch black hallway goes on forever. The other footsteps pick up, remind you that you’re not alone. No, certainly not.

Best hope that you find some assistance soon – otherwise it looks like the Butler Association is going to ignite some righteous vigilante justice on your ass.

BONUS

[ why o'clock ] You’re in the grand ballroom now, ready to present your case. Armed with a cob pipe (don’t smoke inside, it’s rude), a detective hat, and a single spotlight aimed right at you, you now have to explain how you came to the conclusion about the True Killer that is Obviously Not You. Rather, it’ll just be the character of whoever tags into this prompt – yes, you are suddenly so very sure that they’re the ones who are the ultimate mastermind of this entire game and… you’re just going to have to bullshit the reason why even if you know virtually nothing about them. It’s a dog eat dog world out there, you know?

Sorry about that.

Should you actually provide enough of a compelling case or they take pity on you, having a villainous breakdown for the sake of the plot, you’ll be awarded with a coupon that’ll give you three free scoops at your local ice cream parlor! (Note: you must buy the first two scoops in order to qualify.) Of course, if you’re not able to nail them down as the killer, you are obviously the killer yourself (citation needed).

From there, you’ll be dragged off to face your punishment: for six grueling hours you will be tickled mercilessly.

[ Remember to apply proper warnings on threads with sensitive or inappropriate material and do let a mod know if your thread careens off into maiming or canoodling so we can lock the log. ]

//RUN.EXE

Welcome to Cerealia's fifteenth Test Drive Meme. For your convenience, we have compiled a post detailing everyone's arrival experience and a FAQ that should explain everything in more detail. Please read them thoroughly before playing. Thank you!

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[William takes a few steps away till he's out of the reach of any portraits. That was a bit scary.]

Thank you.

[He rubs his shoulder for a moment, looking down the stairs.]

We should probably be on our way before anything else like that occurs.

[Okay, he has to laugh at Rhys' clarification. Well, chuckle, anyway. He's not really in the mood to laugh, but the soft release of mirth feels...good. Like maybe life (or death?) isn't so hopeless after all.

He listens quietly to the rest of the guy's explanation, and nods a bit when he finishes talking.]

Oh. Well. I guess that...that's not too surprising.

[It's a strange reality to contemplate: Handsome Jack is dead. If only the vault hunters had got to his employer first, maybe he could have got out of his contract early, or gotten a new one, or at least gotten the plastic surgery reversed...Ugh. Something else, anything else, would have been preferable to dying. Ugh!

And somehow he has a wretched feeling that he may be stuck with the voice and the face for the near future...and probably the far future, too.

He sighs and raises a hand to scrub at his face, but stops before actually touching it, and lets his hand drop again. He's not quite as certain as he used to be that there's a bomb in his face, anymore, but he still hates touching it.]

Oh, uh. I'm Jack. By the way. The...body double. You may have guessed already.

[See, Rhys, he remembered to answer your question!]

[ She forgives him, considering she's right next to him and still watching the door he struggled to close. ]

I'll keep an eye on the door.

[ "The" door meaning the one they'd just opened and found flooded. Proximity is a kind of reassurance. With Jack seeming no more at ease with the weird bathroom than she'd been, it's likewise a reminder that people of all ages had difficulty with the unknown. She wasn't the only one facing it, and if he was going to open the doors, she could at least watch the chancy one.

... Just in case.

The second door opens into a dusty bedroom, bed stripped of linens, a dresser against the far wall. No bathroom here, though there is an empty metal pitcher sitting in a dusty basin. The flooded bathroom door shudders as he opens the bedroom door, but nothing else; it doesn't creep open. ]

Is it a restroom?

[ nope! steven certainly isn't a gem, and while carbink is technically covered in them, it's nothing from the homeworld that peridot knows. ]

Someone without malicious intent, I assure you.

[ he notices that she's defensive, so he at least wants to get that much out of the way. carbink doesn't seem to be wary of her at all, twitching its ears curiously. ]

Were you looking for help?

...Wha—

[ She finally does let the fork clatter to the ground, stepping away from the body and stretching her hands up into the air. ]

I-I didn't do it!!

[ Which is pretty useless to say after she was already told she was set up, but everything only just clicked for her, and she has to get that reflexive reaction out of the way, even if it's belated. ]

[ It's definitely coming from the gem on her forehead. (Or 3-D sticker, if you prefer.) ]

Ugh. If it wasn't for the rebellion, all humans would know exactly what I am! ...Or actually, all life on Earth would be destroyed. Whatever!

[He's not a tasty and nutritional snack, those whales need to stop and calm down...]

We can try touching a bunch of 'em to see if they go anywhere?

[GREAT IDEA. He'll just waltz on over to the nearest portrait and smack his hand over the face of whoever is talking, which earns him an indignant "stop that!" from the poor person being manhandled... Swordhandled??]

[A true delicacy...

But the little story she tells has Kashuu smiling!]

Oh! That's cute... It's not really unusual for spirits to take to humans, I think - or at least give 'em a hand when they need a little extra help.

[This followed by a wink, like he's sharing a not-so-secret secret. After all, if Chihiro has had contact with the other side, she probably knows how true that is herself. They tend to interfere without good reason sometimes too, of course, as fickle things are wont to do - but most of the time, as he's seen, it's been... at the very least, not harmful. Even good, sometimes!]

Your mom sounds like a smart lady, too. [Though being unable to forget things tends to be more of a burden the older something gets--

Which is a thought he'll have to save for another time because AH YES, suddenly they're active participants in a reenactment of Ib! Incredible.

The thing about sword spirits, too, is that they generally tend to... you know, be swords first and foremost, no matter how human they look. So the hand shoots out and grabs at Chihiro, Chihiro ducks, and Kashuu steps forward in one fluid motion. If only he had his Bop-It now... BUT HE DOESN'T, he only has the sword at his side, which rises up in less than a blink and neatly severs that hand at the wrist.

Welp.

On the plus side, it gushes what seems to be black ink, rather than blood.]

Geez— No rest for the weary, huh?

[oho, they're playing this game now?? but it's not really much of a game if Murasa grabs Kaneda by the front of his shirt, casually lifts him off the ground like he weighs nothing, and sets him aside.]

That's a pretty broad generalization.

[snatches up the fork. victory!!!]

When you reject my advances. It wounds me so. [He's playing, he's not actually serious.] I'm not. You know me better than that.

Of course not, if my rejections hurt you that much you would have quit ages ago.

[That does bring up a point she's wondered about now and then. She pauses in her steps, looking over to him curiously.]

Though that does make me wonder some. Angelo, would you say you're the sort of man to continually run into an impenetrable barrier? Or perhaps a wall? Or maybe that you're just hardheaded?

Edited 2016-07-09 16:26 (UTC)

[JUST BECAUSE HE'S A SWORD DOESN'T MEAN VIOLENCE IS ALWAYS THE ANSWER but okay sure, if that's what you want? The paintings might get the upper hand for a moment once Naki lets go, but at least he's fast! Let's slash off all their arms!! In true sword style.]

[He knows that feel. Leon comes to stand next to her, climbing the last few stairs, and casts a glance at one of the noisy portraits before turning back to the girl. She's far more interesting than whatever creepy mockery CERES has in store for them this time.]

It's all pretty crazy, right? You can't even trust what they say anyway . . . but yeah, you got that part right. I mean, I think! Far as I know, CERES are the guys in charge of everyone who gets dragged in here! Once we're out o' this level, you can hear a lot of way more useful stuff from people around the colony.

[He's glad. Fujisaki's actually glad to see him, glad he's okay . . .

For a moment, Leon's worried he might even spill a tear himself. He's no good around crying people anyway, and—hearing that touches him on some deep level he's never consciously thought about. Naegi and Kirigiri, for all they accepted and included him, hadn't had the same open reaction when they'd met again here: I'm so glad you're okay. It feels like it's been a long time since he's been met with that, and from someone who—knows. Everything. Someone who has every reason to hate or fear Leon, or at least see him as—

But he doesn't. There's no point thinking about that! He doesn't!

And he's not going to cry about it, either, because how embarrassing would that be in front of Fujisaki? Instead he laughs, and maybe it's a little shaky-sounding, but he can pretend it isn't. He still has a lot of questions, but they can wait.]

Yeah . . . somethin' like that. It's CERES screwing with us, mostly. So you could say it is one, but we're probably not gonna have much luck actually solving whatever the mystery is. It's just to piss us off and get us freaked out. That's what they do!

[He rises to his feet again, and then after a moment, offers Chihiro a hand up.]

[ Humans usually have the benefit of having short enough lives that they don't often get old enough to learn the extent of burden a perfect memory creates. She can only guess the older rivers have long memories indeed... as do any of the spirits of nature, or objects. She's met few related to objects; more nature spirits, as far as she's aware. Though from Kashuu's declaration earlier, she figures he may be a kind of spirit himself.

The Radish spirit had been a helpful sort, as it turned out, and Kamaji, and Lin, and the frogs and slugs at the bathhouse by the end. Some regard is freely given. In other cases, it's earned. Not even necessarily fickleness so much as having their own minds and priorities and thought processes that may be significantly different from her own.

Ink splatters from the severed wrist, which proceeds to flail around before being abruptly pulled back into the portrait tv. Chihiro scrubs the back of her hand against her cheek, rubbing at a splotch of ink she'd felt land there. Outside of a blink at how swiftly Kashuu had moved, she doesn't seem surprised; which isn't a lack of surprise, but instead a reprioritisation. He struck, there's a hand and ink on the floor, and the ink is moving even as the hand is twitching and then, ah. Flipping him off? M U R D E R E R scrawls out in several languages in the wet ink on the near wall, on the floor, and on either of them where it hasn't been smeared. ]

Uh, yeah.

[ Do they get anywhere to bathe actually, that would be nice. City please don't be a let down! Or too unaffordable... oh goodness, that's something she'll worry about once out of here. ]

Kashuu-san, are you a swordsman?

[ She's moved back toward the main hall, ready to book it if needed. The ink she's smeared on her cheek is traveling slowly toward her upper lip and giving her a most dastardly, pencil thin mustache. ]

[For a split second, Takeru wondered if it had been a good idea to tell Daisuke all of this at all. However, it would only be a matter of time before he knew. But still, it probably wasn't the best idea to tell him when he was in the middle of a not so but might as well be life threatening situation.

But all things considered, Takeru never been in a game where he was suddenly next to a dead body.]

Probably not but we still have to figure out something to prove you're innocent. Maybe if we look around, we'll see anything that seems odd.

[Maybe he can finally put his parent's journalism skills to the test?]

[Kevin exhales a little sigh. Heathens, honestly.]

A Christian rite. [Anglican, to be more precise. Kevin has a particular interest in those islands, after all.]One should do it properly to make sure their beloved ones will be around on Judgement Day.

[Because everybody wishes to be around on Judgement Day, right? Kevin places the baguette between the deceased's hands and - after setting the whole thing on fire, butler, bread and dry leaves alike - clears his throat and starts reading from the book:]

"We commit this body to the gr--er fire;
earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust. The Lord bless
our fellow butler and keep him, the Lord make his face to shine upon him
and be gracious unto him, the Lord lift up his countenance
upon him and give him peace. Amen."

[With that small bow, Takeru couldn't help but feel a little awkward. After all, it was usually him doing that to his superiors not the other way around! As he gave a nervous chuckle, he didn't know what to think at first.

However, it was a good thing that the situation made him quickly regain his words!]

My name is Takeru and this is Patamon! [He said before pointing to said flying creature above the both of them.] It's really nice to meet you, Chihiro-chan!

[...Was it Chihiro-chan or Chihiro-san? She didn't look that much older than him but he really hoped he didn't get his honorifics wrong though!]

I thought you were more inclined to manipulating others to do your bloody job.

[Not that he would ever hesitate to invade Dantalion's territory again. Why, he is practically a local at this point.

Besides, Kevin may share Gilles' familiarity problems. Though he would never say that aloud, there is something definitively awkward about attacking straight away someone you saw wearing a maid dress...for your boss, no less. Speaking of which...]

That will not be necessary. I will never allow you ruffians to have him again.

[Not that he would allow heaven to touch young master either, he has come to realize. Kevin fully intends to keep the young man under his overzealous wing no matter what.]

[She lets out resigned sigh. Of course. It wasn't going to be easy. Nothing ever is.]

No, you don't have to go away. If I'm going to embarrass myself, might as well all out, right?

[She shoots a dark look at the paintings and then tries to think of something personal that would be interesting enough to get her off of this stupid staircase.]

I once was tricked by a cute guy into believing he liked me so that he could get to my friends. They had to knock me out because he brainwashed me.

[She'll never live that down. She'd almost put Usagi and the others into mortal danger. Because of a cute boy.

The stairs swing wildly in a different direction, letting her reach the next floor of the house.]

[Makoto herself wasn't exactly a technologically inclined lady either, so she was going to have to take him at his word. Especially since he was obviously a friend of Rei's. He was believable.]

Is there any sort of way that we can discover a way out? I'm not exactly the wait-and-see type.

[It's really beautiful when two peaceful and civilized people meet like that.]

Not surprised? [This Worick must be a complicated fellow, or at least a very elusive one.] Huh, yes. Some are very skillful at using the flashing phone, though I am afraid I am not one of them. [He doesn't need to search for anyone else but young master, who keeps a fixed schedule at the library.]

Regardless, if you ask for help, at least a few will volunteer. Some of the people who were brought here have an impressive heroic streak.

[And where there are heroes, one will inevitably find villains, and all sorts of types in between.]

Edited 2016-07-09 22:15 (UTC)

[Yeah Leon seems to be getting tenser and tenser and very unhappily so.

He's.

Definitely steaming a bit as he stomps up the stairs.

And the stairs try to swing away from the nearest hallway but he's going to lightly make the jump to it anyway before they can completely swing away.]

Ugh!

Having a damp shirt is unimportant in comparison to having her best friend be okay. Food can wait too. She has to know what the hell is going on around here so she can best figure out how to keep Usagi safe. That's first and foremost. Always.

"There's a lot of strange things about this place, I'm gathering. But it's all technology-based? I wish Ami-chan were here. She probably understood it all."

Makoto doesn't blame the other girl at all. If what Usagi's said is true, she can ask Rei and get the run down in terms she can understand to go forward.

"Sorry, I'm the late one this time." She's trying to joke, but it's not a very funny situation. "Hey, Usagi-chan, don't cry. We'll figure something out, right? We always do."

[She tries not to stare, letting her eyes rest anywhere but on him, settling on her feet for a few minutes.]

I usually don't trust kidnappers. They have a tendency to be liars as well.

[They also tend to try to brainwash her too, but they never drop her in some sort of strange madhouse with crazy stairs and dead bodies either.]

Level? What do you mean? I still don't get where this all is?

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//TESTDRIVE15.EXE

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