PHASE I [ 9 00 ] You open your eyes, and there is a chicken pecking at your face. It's not a very happy chicken, either, but if you can manage to fend it off, then it will be clear that you are in a village. It is... medieval-esque, in that video game sort of way; the details don’t seem too clear, but if you look to your left, there’s a cow! And to your right, a well! Ignore the clear evidence of modern technology in the buildings such as lights, gas, and 21st century plumbing; CERES is dedicated to authenticity.
Looks like the new ViViD level has finally been released, and everyone is invited to play, whether they want to or not.
The game (because this time, that's surely what it is) will start simple. Everyone begins in the same place and every NPC villager will say the same thing: to get out of here, you have to go through the caves. They’ll shove a stick at you (“take this, it’s dangerous to go alone”) and off you go, into the caves… !
Which are full of tiny rats and more chickens. They will try to fight you, but it’s really not very effective when they’re perfectly small and average (especially when everyone still has their typical powers and abilities -- CERES didn't mess with those at all this time). The caves are winding and circular and maze-like, and to make matters even worse, the only ones around are the other poor saps stuck in this situation.
But if you kill enough of the rats, you’ll get to hear the satisfying level up jingle. Congratulations! You are now level 2. It's probably satisfying just for a minute or so until you finally find your way out of those maze like caves and -- You're back in the village again. Great.
PHASE II [ 930 ] You’re carrying a bag. No matter what you do, you can’t take it off, either; it’s stuck with you through thick and thin. But it is awfully heavy. Maybe you should actually open it and see what’s inside?
The problem is, it’s going to take a while.
The bag has clearly tapped into its true hammerspace nature; there are items for days in there, and they’re all very, very strange. You might end up covered in hats of all sorts, buried in logs as you pull out one after another, or look like you have an odd fetish for pickaxes.
Maybe there’s 1/3rd of an evil turnip, half a piece of pie and an egg.
Geez, what in the world are you supposed to do with all of that?
PHASE III [ 1200 ] Eventually, you make it out of the caves the right way despite the harassment of the rats and chickens and the fact you'll keep perpetually getting lost. Hooray! You come out into a large, peaceful, scenic meadow, with a small river bubbling off to one side, and a house.
You'll immediately notice that there’s a bridge to cross the river, but there’s someone standing in the way of that bridge. When you approach to go past him, no matter what you try to do, you won't be able to. Asking him why he won't move will only get one thing in response -- “Bring me a fish. Cooked.”
Then he’ll shove a fishing rod at you and expect you to get to it. You can’t attack him, you can’t get past him -- looks like the only thing to do is to catch and cook that fish. Time to sit back, relax, and get to work. Or maybe you’ll team up with someone else and be the person in the house making sure that the fish gets cooked properly. For some reason, if you leave it too long it turns right into a pile of ashes.
Weirdly though, no matter how good you are at cooking or fishing usually, it’s as if you’re right back at the metaphorical level one. Any sort of seasoning or effort to cook it faster falls flat and in the end you'll only be able to place the fish in the pan and set it on the stove, whole. This may take awhile.
And if you try to cross the river itself, well... no, really, don’t try to cross the river.
At least if you get eaten, you’ll just respawn back in the village, but do have fun traveling through the caves again!
PHASE IV [ 1430 ] You made it through the caves. You made it across the river (with a slightly burnt fish). You’ve made it to the wide open world, and you can finally adventure to your heart’s content. You take a step forward on the road and --
A message pops up, bright red and in your face.
[ Restricted Area: Members Only ]
No matter what you do, you can’t go past that point. In fact, if you’re not careful and you’re going too fast, you might run face-first into it like it’s an invisible wall (which it is).
Then, just like that, you're back in the village. Again. Only this time, there's a nice, blinking message -- Pay a small subscription fee to access member's content. Oh well. No big deal, you can just start again.
Except then you see a cool sword and when you try to pick it up, you'll get that same message, and end up transported back to the village yet again. And again, with some shiny new armor. And again, with that attention-grabbing NPC over there. Looks like you're caught in an infinite loop here but no matter how much you inspect the pop up, there's no... actual way to pay the subscription fee (and why would you want to?). But at least you have company, because you can't be the only person who thought that sword was cool.
(It was really, really cool.)
BONUS [ xxxx ] What’s that on the ground in front of you? It looks like… some bunny ears? Or maybe it’s a chicken head, or a pumpkin head. Either way, the moment you touch it, you have a strong need to put it on your head -- and once it’s on, it’s not coming off.
To make matters worse, each hat has an effect associated with it; the bunny ears will, in fact, randomly turn you into a cute fluffy bunny for anywhere from 5 minutes to an hour before you pop right back to yourself, whereas the pumpkin hat will, in a complete reversal, turn you into Cinderella for a bit -- complete with beautiful ball gown and the ability to talk to all of those cute fluffy bunnies.
Also the rats will love you, so maybe you should go back to the caves again.
Meanwhile, the chicken hat won't transform you into any odd creature, but it will inspire in the people wearing them a very real, persistent desire to build a nest. This will involve picking up twigs, trash, shiny things and whatever else catches your eye to try to build a nest out of it. You'll also try to pick up whatever food you find on the ground to eat, have the weirdest desire to lay an egg, and basically have all sorts of odd chicken-like instincts inflicted upon you.
At least you look festive!
[ Remember to apply proper warnings on threads with sensitive or inappropriate material and do let a mod know if your thread careens off into maiming or canoodling so we can lock the log. ] |
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But whoa hold up a sec, the vehemence in his tone leaves skidmarks on her helm. And maybe her face too, given the blinky stare she gives him. Sudden assault of the Feelings. Kudos to Deadlock for turning comedy into tragedy in one shout. "Not to get myself out of trouble!" Okay wait. "Not for stupid stuff like this!" Dammit...both imply that she does in fact need him. It's truth and it stings in a scary kind of way.
"It's their stupid technology, magic, whatever. What's in your bag, huh?" Because everyone has one here. It's like a bizarre prerequisite to the native stupidity. Hopefully it's something horribly embarrassing. "And better watch what you ask for because I might find one of those in here!" If she's lucky.
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PERFECT PLAN.
And of course what his yelling is supposed to cover is...he kinda needs her. To give him something to do, and, well, honestly, someone to put up with him. Deep down he knows he's not easy to get along with, and, yeah. Just shut up, you're stuck with him, yelling and not.
"None of your business what's in my bag! COOL STUFF, okay? Cool stuff is in my bag." He's...not technically kidding. Does she need any icepacks?
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So she can be all touched and awkward and regret asking in the first place.Right, so they're supposed to be so busy yelling at each other that it keeps the Feelings away? PERFECT PLAN #2! For the record, right now she can't think of anyone else she wants to be stuck with either, so it works out.
"If it's so COOL why not show me!?" Because she has....wait. What's that weird buzzing noise?
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"Because I don't like mechs who break promises, that's how." It makes sense in his head, shush.
And of course his plan is perfect. He's a master at fighting off the dreaded enemy of Feels.
"Because maybe you're not cool enough!" But Deadlock can tell when his bluff is being called, so, fine, he's gonna reach into his bag and whip it out!
Wait. What the frag is this?!?!
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"Did I make a promise...? I mean...before I died?" Because that would be super creepy. And awkward. She remembers promising not to die again. That's different. She stands by things she remembers. Stuff she doesn't....? YIKES.
"That's because I'm hot." What? The comeback not good enough? Okay, she'll whip out this...wand thing. With a weird vibrating bulb at the end. And brandish it like a sword. Versus his...what the frag IS that?
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"You made enough of a promise not to die afterwards!" See how slick that is? It's not a lie! It's a diversion! He's just, you know, INSURANCE.
"YOu know what I meant!" She probably did, too. No one likes a jerk, Flashpoint. Least of all, another jerk.
But this thing...is no match for that. Which is buzzing ominously. All he's got is this weird thing that looks like a panda's face with long tails on the sides. Hufff. Some kinda weapon, right? He'll prove it--he's gonna use the tails as handles and try to thwack that thing outta her hand!
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"That's not answering the question!! Did I make any promises I don't remember!?!" Don't mind how high pitched that is, she's not gonna freak out about it or anything.
Wrong again though Deadlock, because apparently she likes you. Go Figure. "Maybe I'm not trying to be cool. Too old for that slag." Which is...sadly true. Also when she IS cool, you better believe it's without even trying. (the rest of the time we won't talk about)
Ominous buzzing is right. What the frag is powering this thing, anyway? She's holding out, getting it as close to Deadlock and as far from her as possible. Flashpoint's uncertainty is her undoing though, because Deadlock easily panda-thwacks the thing out of her hand. Well guess what, the buzz is even more ominous on the floor.
"I did not put that in there. The bag. I mean." Though she's kind of wishing it could go back there.
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BWEEEOOOOBWEEEOOO, that's Deadlock's Quick Thinking alert. Frag.
Frag.
Uh.
"How do I know what you remember?"
There.
But that. That thing. On the ground. Which, by the way, is turning in a slow circle via the vibration, like some hideous weird version of Spin the Bottle. If it aims at Deadlock again, he's gonna pandawhip it again, jsyk. "That thing gonna explode?"
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PRIMUS DAMMIT. That question actually makes sense. STOP MAKING THIS HARD. "Well did I make any OTHER promises!?!"
Yeah, it's two kliks after that comes out her mouth that she realizes Deadlock could make-up anything he wanted in answer to that question and she'd have no way to verify it.
Yeah, let's move on and pretend she said nothing at all, (story of her life). Look at this weird thing the ground slowing making it's way around to pointing towards Deadlock again. "Maybe?" She's gonna look at it queerly and poke it with a toeplate. As if on cue it starts doing something she could only call the mechanical hula. "Uh. Might be useful if it didn't...?" For what she is not saying.
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"Why should I tell you?!" Seriously. He can't hold fake pretend promises over her head if he tells her the truth.
But he can't resist. "You told me you thought I was hot." SMUG. What? WHAT!?!? A mech can stroke his own ego, can't he?
When she pokes it with her foot, Deadlock jumps back, holding his...evil panda hat nunchuks (hatchuks?) as he lands in a crouch. "Useful for WHAT?" And don't let that point at him again. It's making him feel weird.
/sob, she's such an idiot sometimes
"Can't keep promises I don't remember!" DUH. Come on, give her some credit here, at least she's not totally writing them off as Not Her Problem™. Other!Flashpoint made those promises and she was clearly inferior since she died. SO THERE.
But what is this now? "That's cuz you are hot, dumbaft." But wait, suddenly there's alarms going off. Time for more questioning! "Under WHAT context exactly did I say that!? You weren't... we didn't...?" She's peering at you so hard now Deadlock. Does she have to get jealous of this other Flashpoint? What else doesn't she remember? Wait, is that why he's so mad that she died? HOLY FRAG IT IT MUST BE. ",i>YOU DIDN'T!?" This is as wrong as it can get, Other!Flashpoint can score better than she can.
Flashpoint's so caught up in this horrible revelation that she almost forgets about the crazy vibrating thing on the ground and those wacky pandachucks Deadlock's got. But then inspiration strikes. "Good for interrogation purposes!" Watch out Deadlock, because she's gonna scoop that thing back up and assault you with it. Clearly some form of torture needs to be applied here to get the information she wants.
whenever they get together it's like the idiot olympics
"That's why I remember 'em for you." See? Flawless logic. He'll remember as many fake promises for her as he, erm, she, needs.
Wait, what? She's agreeing? Frag, that almost takes the fun out of it. Yeah, it does take the fun out of it and replaces it with something kind of warm and squooshily.
"What kinda mech you think I am!?!?" Spoiler: not the kind of mech who interfaces with floral scened melting femmes. Take that however you want it.
WHAT IS SHE DOING TOUCHING THAT THING!?! "If that blows up I ain't gonna reattach YOUR fingers!" Just, you know, fair warning. Also, keep it away from him!
and they fight over the gold medal
"Doesn't help if you don't tell me," she grumbles, rethinking the idea that she might try and honor such promises. Especially if she got none of the benefits. Which there should be some kind of benefit is she called him hot, right?
Except, just now there wasn't. Frag.
"You tell me!" And Deadlock better, because Flashpoint is going for joints and seams and anywhere she sees an opening to which she can apply this wigglewand to. She'll tickle the answers out of him! Because that's how this thing probably feels against plating and mesh right, ticklish? "Worth the risk!" Because needs an advantage here and this is it.
She can TRY to take his medal! /swat!
"Maybe it doesn't help YOU." Helps him just fine because he can make up anything he wants.
Which...was probably the point. But Deadlock is immune to points!
"I WILL tell you!" See?! "I'm not the kind of mech who does something like that, for one thing!" He does not perv on dying femmes. Gross.
He dodges--or tries to--out of the way of the wiggly thing. "You say that no-how!" Oops, didn't dodge all the way, apparently.
Hands off, heathen!! /smack!
"FINE THEN!! I henceforth revoke ALL previously made promises and render them null and void!! .....except the 'not dying' one...you can keep that one." Flashpoint'll give him that much at least, because the fact that he gives a scrap still makes her feel weird in kinda nice ways.
If Deadlock is immune to points that means he doesn't get any and scores a Big Fat ZERO. Wow, bummer.
"Like WHAT!?! How do I know something didn't happen way before I--she died, huh? HUH!? And what the frag was she doing in your BEDROOM anyway!!" Face it Deadlock, this doesn't look good for you.
Flashpoint might not be proficient in wiggle wand but she learns fast and the clatter of vibrating bulb against plating sounds like impending victory. "It's always worth the risk!!" And worth hearing him yelp like that. HEEEEH.
/hides medal in storage compartment
"You can't do that!" Because that would totally ruin all his fun. He'd already been cooking up a 'promise' she'd 'made' about wearing a purple tutu and calling him 'master'. "And you better keep that one!" Because, well, who is he gonna yell at if she dies?!
BUT HEY he sees what she's trying to do. "Stop tryin' to confuse me. She is you, and you were in my room because where else was I supposed to take you? Just let you croak in some gutter somewhere?" Nope, no way, no how, and that's a promise Deadlock made to himself back in Rodion.
She may like slapping her wiggle rod to his face, but she's not gonna see it for long--she's about to get a face full of pandachuks.
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Wow, way to call her average. Clearly she needs to find other yelling partners to step up her game.
"Too late it's done, HA!" No calling him master. Flashpoint might consider a tutu if there's enough glitter. MAYBE. And if it matches her old tiara and he calls her master. "And I plan to, don't you fret now." Actually okay, it's kind of cool that he worries, just not too much.
"But I don't remember that!" It comes out a whine instead of a demand, oops. Apparently he had a touching moment in his bed with her or her clone or whatever and she doesn't remember it. The dying part is circumstantial! "Are you saying that was the first time I'd been in your bed!?"
And Flashpoint thinks she's got him right where she wants him--there's even an evil chuckle to that effect--until she takes a chuck to the face. "---ACK! Watch where you're putting that thing!!"
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"Yeah, well, maybe you made a promise saying you wouldn't undo your promises!" Okay, that's grasping, even to him, but he's gotta try. The leverage he'd have over her was just too good to give up without a fight!
"Frag yeah it was!" Wait, frag, he just blew a huge opportunity to have told her some whopping lie about Concubine!Flashpoint. "Kinda mech you think I am?!" Okay, he's gonna roll with that, then, because at least he gets to get all huffy. "And I could fraggin' say the same to you!" Hey, Flashpoint, have the other pandachuk to the other cheek.
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".........uh." Whut. Would she really do that? That sounds like exactly one of the stupid, convoluted, trollishly sarcastic things she would say and totally not mean. "Well if I DID I was being facetious because that makes no sense!" Yes, she just admitted to making no sense in lieu of undoing not-promises, shut up.
"Oh...." Wow, Deadlock's so vehement about them not having slept together Flashpoint almost believes him. But suddenly, she's not sure how she feels about it. 'Yay?' or 'well that's boring' or something totally conflicted inbetween? Except that it does kind of remove her current excuse for harassing him, which truth be told, is way too much fun.
Flashpoint took the last one to the face but she's gonna dodge this pandachuk--HA!--and make a stab with her wigglewand at his belly. That'll get a reaction, right? Oh, and retaliation is totally the only excuse she needs now, by the way!
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Wait, wait, is she taking his bogus promise she totally didn't promise seriously? The stunned look on his face probably gives something away, until he can swerve to, "STOP USING BIG SMART WORDS LIKE THAT!" You, you....big smart femme, you!
FRAG! she dodges his pandachuk. But he's still better with a gun than she is. Besides, he doubts she's any better with a plush hat as a weapon than he is. "You think I'm some cr------AAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAACK" No, he didn't mean to say 'crack'. But you get that wiggly thing away from his belly plating!
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Well clearly that's what he's getting stuck with because she's no second placer!
If Flashpoint had a shanix for every time some dumb thing she said came back to bite her in the aft, she'd have enough money to upgrade to a bite-proof aft! So the fact that Deadlock's bluff has some basis in precedence isn't surprising. What's surprising though is him calling her smart? Buhwhhhhhat!? Smart femmes can come up with smart retorts but not when flustered by stupid mechs they like. "MAKE ME!!"
Yeah that's telling him! And she'd stay mad at him except what the frag is that noise?! It sounds like laughter crossed with rusty, twisting metal. Clearly Deadlock is out of practice and needs to do more of that. Have some more of that wiggle wand to the tummy Deadlock, she will endure the pandachuk pummeling!
guess who's procrastinating housecleaning?
He's not calling her smart so much as calling her out on (clearly) trying to make him feel dumb. Which he does, so she clearly is evil. "OH YOU DON'T REALLY WANT THAT." Because...he has no idea how he'd do it, except headbutt her smart-word-owning face. Maybe knock all the smart big words right outta her mouth. Where they'd probably get stuck all over his helm and then he'd have to wash them off and...yeah, nobody wants that!
His pandachucks aren't so much pummeling as 'randomly flailing' as he tries to swat her away. And he's stepping backwards, too, to try to avoid the wiggly tickly thing in his midsection, which means he's probably gonna trip over something, with his luck.
best kind of procrastination IMO
winnernot-loser?But wow Flashpoint can make him feel things? But only dumb things, it's her talent. She DID offer to teach him stuff; it's not her fault he can't take the examples she gives! Learn stuff and then you'll feel less dumb, Deadlock. Ancient words of wisdom right there.
"Don't tell ME what I don't want!!" Wait, that makes it sound like she wants him to boss her around. That's not what she meant! Though if he wanted to give her mouth something else to do, there might be fewer big, smart words coming out of it. Just a suggestion as alternate tactics go.
Falling on your aft is certainly another option, and taking her with him, which is what's happening right here. That fluffy bunny he almost steps on gives him quite the look of righteous indignation, but it's going to pale in comparison to the one Flashpoint gives him later, after she comes down hard, landing with her secret weapon wiggle wand trapped between them.
Holidays: over!
HAHAHAH like that's ever gonna happen.
Sure, it's easy to say, Flashpoint: learn stuff and feel less dumb. But that's HAAAAAAARD and Deadlock is lazy. "I'll tell you what you don't want if I want to!" First Amendment, or something, right? Also, hey, what is she gonna do about it?!
...besides fall on him. Strangely effective for knocking a bunch of sounds that might have been likely unprintable words from his vocalizer. Whatever the sound was, it was enough that the bunny bolts away, after one flick of its cottonball tail. And there's still the weird tickly thing, and all he can do is swat her with his pandahat, and push weakly at her (because he's kinda almost laughing but it's totally not his fault because that tickles!). "G----get off me, you fraggin' weirdo!"
WOO! \o\ /o/
Lazy is the key part of that statement there. She knows Deadlock is smarter than he looks, and acts, it's just practical smarts not book knowledge. And you know, if he listens more instead of shouting all the time, he'd learn to fake a big vocabulary just like Flashpoint does.
Is that funny noise a commentary on Flashpoint's size? If so Deadlock can make it all he wants, because she likes being a heavy weight. And throwing that weight around apparently too. Landing on squiggly things and trapping her hand between them isn't necessarily in the program though, frag Deadlock and his improvisation! There's a whole lot of flailing and cursing and yes okay LAUGHTER because damn that thing DOES tickle! She's pushing at him with her one free hand, trying to free the other one--which is wiggling plenty on its own, sorry Deadlock if it's in an inconvenient place--all while under wiggle wand and pandachuk assault. "Well stop hitting me, dumbaft!"
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