PHASE I [ 9 00 ] You open your eyes, and there is a chicken pecking at your face. It's not a very happy chicken, either, but if you can manage to fend it off, then it will be clear that you are in a village. It is... medieval-esque, in that video game sort of way; the details don’t seem too clear, but if you look to your left, there’s a cow! And to your right, a well! Ignore the clear evidence of modern technology in the buildings such as lights, gas, and 21st century plumbing; CERES is dedicated to authenticity.
Looks like the new ViViD level has finally been released, and everyone is invited to play, whether they want to or not.
The game (because this time, that's surely what it is) will start simple. Everyone begins in the same place and every NPC villager will say the same thing: to get out of here, you have to go through the caves. They’ll shove a stick at you (“take this, it’s dangerous to go alone”) and off you go, into the caves… !
Which are full of tiny rats and more chickens. They will try to fight you, but it’s really not very effective when they’re perfectly small and average (especially when everyone still has their typical powers and abilities -- CERES didn't mess with those at all this time). The caves are winding and circular and maze-like, and to make matters even worse, the only ones around are the other poor saps stuck in this situation.
But if you kill enough of the rats, you’ll get to hear the satisfying level up jingle. Congratulations! You are now level 2. It's probably satisfying just for a minute or so until you finally find your way out of those maze like caves and -- You're back in the village again. Great.
PHASE II [ 930 ] You’re carrying a bag. No matter what you do, you can’t take it off, either; it’s stuck with you through thick and thin. But it is awfully heavy. Maybe you should actually open it and see what’s inside?
The problem is, it’s going to take a while.
The bag has clearly tapped into its true hammerspace nature; there are items for days in there, and they’re all very, very strange. You might end up covered in hats of all sorts, buried in logs as you pull out one after another, or look like you have an odd fetish for pickaxes.
Maybe there’s 1/3rd of an evil turnip, half a piece of pie and an egg.
Geez, what in the world are you supposed to do with all of that?
PHASE III [ 1200 ] Eventually, you make it out of the caves the right way despite the harassment of the rats and chickens and the fact you'll keep perpetually getting lost. Hooray! You come out into a large, peaceful, scenic meadow, with a small river bubbling off to one side, and a house.
You'll immediately notice that there’s a bridge to cross the river, but there’s someone standing in the way of that bridge. When you approach to go past him, no matter what you try to do, you won't be able to. Asking him why he won't move will only get one thing in response -- “Bring me a fish. Cooked.”
Then he’ll shove a fishing rod at you and expect you to get to it. You can’t attack him, you can’t get past him -- looks like the only thing to do is to catch and cook that fish. Time to sit back, relax, and get to work. Or maybe you’ll team up with someone else and be the person in the house making sure that the fish gets cooked properly. For some reason, if you leave it too long it turns right into a pile of ashes.
Weirdly though, no matter how good you are at cooking or fishing usually, it’s as if you’re right back at the metaphorical level one. Any sort of seasoning or effort to cook it faster falls flat and in the end you'll only be able to place the fish in the pan and set it on the stove, whole. This may take awhile.
And if you try to cross the river itself, well... no, really, don’t try to cross the river.
At least if you get eaten, you’ll just respawn back in the village, but do have fun traveling through the caves again!
PHASE IV [ 1430 ] You made it through the caves. You made it across the river (with a slightly burnt fish). You’ve made it to the wide open world, and you can finally adventure to your heart’s content. You take a step forward on the road and --
A message pops up, bright red and in your face.
[ Restricted Area: Members Only ]
No matter what you do, you can’t go past that point. In fact, if you’re not careful and you’re going too fast, you might run face-first into it like it’s an invisible wall (which it is).
Then, just like that, you're back in the village. Again. Only this time, there's a nice, blinking message -- Pay a small subscription fee to access member's content. Oh well. No big deal, you can just start again.
Except then you see a cool sword and when you try to pick it up, you'll get that same message, and end up transported back to the village yet again. And again, with some shiny new armor. And again, with that attention-grabbing NPC over there. Looks like you're caught in an infinite loop here but no matter how much you inspect the pop up, there's no... actual way to pay the subscription fee (and why would you want to?). But at least you have company, because you can't be the only person who thought that sword was cool.
(It was really, really cool.)
BONUS [ xxxx ] What’s that on the ground in front of you? It looks like… some bunny ears? Or maybe it’s a chicken head, or a pumpkin head. Either way, the moment you touch it, you have a strong need to put it on your head -- and once it’s on, it’s not coming off.
To make matters worse, each hat has an effect associated with it; the bunny ears will, in fact, randomly turn you into a cute fluffy bunny for anywhere from 5 minutes to an hour before you pop right back to yourself, whereas the pumpkin hat will, in a complete reversal, turn you into Cinderella for a bit -- complete with beautiful ball gown and the ability to talk to all of those cute fluffy bunnies.
Also the rats will love you, so maybe you should go back to the caves again.
Meanwhile, the chicken hat won't transform you into any odd creature, but it will inspire in the people wearing them a very real, persistent desire to build a nest. This will involve picking up twigs, trash, shiny things and whatever else catches your eye to try to build a nest out of it. You'll also try to pick up whatever food you find on the ground to eat, have the weirdest desire to lay an egg, and basically have all sorts of odd chicken-like instincts inflicted upon you.
At least you look festive!
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The Spine ♦ Steam Powered Giraffe
[Deep within the cave a tall--precisely 2.1336 meters--figure strides along the mazelike pathways. He's heard before he's seen, a mobile cacophony of shrill squeaks and furious clucking.
And when he appears around the corner? It's a sight like no one has ever seen.
The robot is thin and silver, and trails steam. A horde of rats scrambles over his clothing, under his arms and up and down his legs. Behind him, hopping and flapping, trails a conga line of chickens. He looks faintly peeved. He has no stick. Occasionally he pauses and attempts to gently brush the rats from his shoulders, but that just gives the chickens a chance to peck his shoes.
Where's the True Pacifist route when you want it?]
Phase III
[Now this is more like it. Forget leveling up, The Spine is going to stay right here by the river and fish. He sits stiffly on the bank, lanky legs folded, line cast. Just call him The "Patience" Spine, because that's definitely his middle name.]
BONUS
Uh... 'scuse me...
[Shimmering skirts swishing, The Spine catches up to the nearest person that doesn't appear to be an NPC. He is, without a doubt, the deepest voiced princess anyone has ever met. His photo-receptors lend an eerie green glow to the inside of the jack-o'-lantern on his head. The jack-o'-lantern is wearing a rakishly tilted fedora.]
I'm having some trouble gettin' this goshdarned pumpkin off. If it wouldn't be too much trouble I'd appreciate a helpin' hand.
III
A low rumble rolled out from the golem accompanied by a deeply hissing voice. ]
Erhm-... Did I sscare the fish?
[ Please say he didn't. He really should have found a further tree. ]
no subject
It's a very human response from a being that is so very definitely not human.
Neither is the creature that stands beside the mangled tree. It looks... apologetic? Yes. Apologetic. The Spine blinks glowing eyes and glances back at the river.]
I don't think so. [His line goes taut, as it has periodically over the last... however long he's been here. He hasn't been paying attention, and his internal clock doesn't seem to have any bearing on the passage of time in this game.] See? No harm done. I don't think these fish pay much attention to anythin' that isn't a hook.
[He ignores the twitching line. Catching fish isn't the point of fishing.]
Mind if I ask what that tree did to you? Must've been somethin' pretty bad to deserve bein' torn apart like that.
no subject
I used to collect the kindling. Gathering used to be my responsssibility...
[ He brought his hand to the tree and peeled another portion of splintered bark away. ]
The bridge keeper demands a lot of tribute from usss so it is on me to build a cooking fire.
no subject
Is the wood you're gettin' out of that tree dry enough to make a fire? [No judgement, just genuine curiosity.
About the trees. Because that's the weird thing here. Obviously.]
no subject
[ There was a low, thoughtful hum as T-dog ground the wood shavings between his stone fingers. Despite this body being anything but organic, Tlaloc felt shadows of his former self move and breathe beneath the rock. The Spine had a point. Wet wood wasn't any good for fires, and a tree this close to the river must be soaked to the heartwood.
But then again, something about this land seemed so rudimentary that maybe a detail like that didn't matter. ]
Normally, I would not think ssso...
[ He reached for the inventory satchel on his back, still surprised that he hadn't crushed it with these huge clumsy mitts of his. ]
Some of the itemsss they gave me were for survival. I thought I had a fire starter...
no subject
[It isn't as though he's making any real effort to catch anything, and so he doesn't think twice about wedging his pole between some convenient tree roots and leaving it there. If it disappears, oh well. Something tells him that demanding NPC will be all too happy to push another one into his hands.
The Spine stands, a complicated task that he nevertheless manages--with no small amount of concentration--to make appear easy and natural. The illusion is shattered soon enough; he rocks on his feet, system whirring and hissing as it compensates for a loss of balance that hasn't actually occurred. He really should get that fixed, one of these days.
He approaches Tlaloc with some surprise. He'd expected him to be taller, based on his bulk. He flashes a friendly grin.]
If they forgot to put one in I'm sure we can work somethin' out. There's nothing that can't be done with a little ingenuity and some good old-fashioned know-how. [Actual Boy Scout The Spine, at your service. Disclaimer: not an actual Boy Scout.]
B-B-BONUS ROUND
Sure thing, Spine-o. Bend down a sec? I sadly have neither extendo-arms or go-go-gadget booster legs.
no subject
[Boy, is The Spine glad to see him in this, of all places. If anyone can solve this extra-sticky pumpkin problem, it's Peter Walter VI.
Oh, and it means he isn't dead despite what the slideshow said. That's even better. Behind the fixed grin of the jack-o'-lantern, The Spine starts to grin a little himself. The tall automaton does as he's asked, sweeping the fedora from atop the pumpkin as he bows down. Perhaps he ought to be curtsying, given his current attire.
He has to draw the line somewhere.]
I tried pulling it off myself, but it just doesn't wanna move. Somethin' coded in, probably. Think you can do anythin' with it?
no subject
[ He grips either side of the pumpkin, still muttering computer science gibberish to himself under his breath, and gives a mighty JERK.
It has absolutely no effect. Blame the skinny noodle arms. After a slightly awkward pause, Peter tries (and fails) again, then reaches up and braces a foot against Spine's shoulder, only because he could use the extra leverage and he knows it won't actually hurt him. ]
Sorry... for getting the dress dirty...! [ YANK! Hey, at least there's some give this time! ] Man, this thing is pretty solidly wedged on here!
no subject
It's darned weird. It went on easy enough. Can't see a reason it'd be so hard to take off. [He says this completely casually, as if it's the most natural thing in the world to stumble across a jack-o'-lantern and feel compelled to put it on his head. It's been that kind of a day.] And, uh, don't worry about the dress. I don't plan on keepin' it.
[When the dress had appeared it hadn't exactly compensated for the oddities of his build--even if he'd wanted to keep it, the back is in tatters from his sharp spines.]
Uh, Peter--[No, okay, that's definitely The Spine's head (and neck, and, erm, spine) coming loose, not the pumpkin. One more good yank and the internal clamps keeping it all in place might fail--]
no subject
[ Sorry buddy, from Peter's perspective, all he can really see is the top of the pumpkin, and it sure feels like it's coming off! Peter gives one more YANK and stumbles back as it comes loose, holding the jack-o-lantern and... uh...
... Whoops. ]
... Well, that certainly didn't go as intended.
no subject
I'm just glad Rabbit isn't here to see this. I'd never live it down. Er--you won't tell her, right, Peter?
[Please if there is a robot god don't tell Rabbit about this. The jack-o'-lantern, the dress, even being pulled out of his chassis he could handle, but...
But the dress came with him. In miniature. It's like a sleeveless tube of chiffon with a poofy "skirt" midway down his vertebrae, and while The Spine can't see it, his sensors are telling him there's something lightweight pressing on his plating and he can just guess. It can't be fashionable, and that's mortifying.
Bizarrely, his chassis is now clothed in his usual stage attire, plus tie.]
no subject
S-s-scuba-scout's... honour...!
[ Okay, no, that did it. Peter doubles over, shoulders shaking, and it's a good thirty seconds before he can stand up straight again. ]
Sorry, sorry! I just wasn't expecting the code to be so adaptable! Hee! One second, I'll give it one more shot...
[ This time, he sits them both on the ground and changes his grip so that he's prying at the bottom edge of the jack-o-lantern. After a few minutes of straining noodle arms, the thing finally pops off, and Peter holds it up in the air triumphantly! ]
Oh, hey! Neato! [ What would compel someone to wear one of these? Maybe he should investigate... for science... ]
no subject
I guess it is kinda surprising... [Oh, no. Sulk mode has been enabled. Someone get Rabbit, she's the best at pestering him into switching it off.
Still, he isn't completely useless. He does what he can to help with the last-ditch effort at pumpkin removal. The noise it makes when it finally comes free is not unlike a champagne cork being popped, minus the following fizz.]
Thank goodness, I was starting to wonder if I was gonna have to change my name to Pumpkinhead--er, Peter? Are you giving that thing your "I must do science to it" look, 'cause I don't think that's a good idea. Doin' science to it, I mean. Is a bad idea.
no subject
[ TOO LATE, IT'S ALREADY ON HIS HEAD. Look, there's even a big empty keyhole carved into the center of the jack-o-lantern's face! He either hasn't noticed the big foofy cinderella dress yet, or simply doesn't think it's important. It could honestly be either, with Peter. ]
Gosh, how did you manage to see anything from in here? There isn't exactly much peripheral vision!
no subject
I had more holes to look out of, for starters. All you've got is a keyhole, which is... weird. [Apparently the pumpkin personalizes itself for its wearer, who would have guessed?] And, uh... looks like you inherited the dress. Nice color. Kinda shimmery and... poofy.
[You go, pseudo-nephew. Rock that dress. The Spine nods toward the pumpkin.]
Think you can take that thing back off again?