PHASE I [ 9 00 ] You open your eyes, and there is a chicken pecking at your face. It's not a very happy chicken, either, but if you can manage to fend it off, then it will be clear that you are in a village. It is... medieval-esque, in that video game sort of way; the details don’t seem too clear, but if you look to your left, there’s a cow! And to your right, a well! Ignore the clear evidence of modern technology in the buildings such as lights, gas, and 21st century plumbing; CERES is dedicated to authenticity.
Looks like the new ViViD level has finally been released, and everyone is invited to play, whether they want to or not.
The game (because this time, that's surely what it is) will start simple. Everyone begins in the same place and every NPC villager will say the same thing: to get out of here, you have to go through the caves. They’ll shove a stick at you (“take this, it’s dangerous to go alone”) and off you go, into the caves… !
Which are full of tiny rats and more chickens. They will try to fight you, but it’s really not very effective when they’re perfectly small and average (especially when everyone still has their typical powers and abilities -- CERES didn't mess with those at all this time). The caves are winding and circular and maze-like, and to make matters even worse, the only ones around are the other poor saps stuck in this situation.
But if you kill enough of the rats, you’ll get to hear the satisfying level up jingle. Congratulations! You are now level 2. It's probably satisfying just for a minute or so until you finally find your way out of those maze like caves and -- You're back in the village again. Great.
PHASE II [ 930 ] You’re carrying a bag. No matter what you do, you can’t take it off, either; it’s stuck with you through thick and thin. But it is awfully heavy. Maybe you should actually open it and see what’s inside?
The problem is, it’s going to take a while.
The bag has clearly tapped into its true hammerspace nature; there are items for days in there, and they’re all very, very strange. You might end up covered in hats of all sorts, buried in logs as you pull out one after another, or look like you have an odd fetish for pickaxes.
Maybe there’s 1/3rd of an evil turnip, half a piece of pie and an egg.
Geez, what in the world are you supposed to do with all of that?
PHASE III [ 1200 ] Eventually, you make it out of the caves the right way despite the harassment of the rats and chickens and the fact you'll keep perpetually getting lost. Hooray! You come out into a large, peaceful, scenic meadow, with a small river bubbling off to one side, and a house.
You'll immediately notice that there’s a bridge to cross the river, but there’s someone standing in the way of that bridge. When you approach to go past him, no matter what you try to do, you won't be able to. Asking him why he won't move will only get one thing in response -- “Bring me a fish. Cooked.”
Then he’ll shove a fishing rod at you and expect you to get to it. You can’t attack him, you can’t get past him -- looks like the only thing to do is to catch and cook that fish. Time to sit back, relax, and get to work. Or maybe you’ll team up with someone else and be the person in the house making sure that the fish gets cooked properly. For some reason, if you leave it too long it turns right into a pile of ashes.
Weirdly though, no matter how good you are at cooking or fishing usually, it’s as if you’re right back at the metaphorical level one. Any sort of seasoning or effort to cook it faster falls flat and in the end you'll only be able to place the fish in the pan and set it on the stove, whole. This may take awhile.
And if you try to cross the river itself, well... no, really, don’t try to cross the river.
At least if you get eaten, you’ll just respawn back in the village, but do have fun traveling through the caves again!
PHASE IV [ 1430 ] You made it through the caves. You made it across the river (with a slightly burnt fish). You’ve made it to the wide open world, and you can finally adventure to your heart’s content. You take a step forward on the road and --
A message pops up, bright red and in your face.
[ Restricted Area: Members Only ]
No matter what you do, you can’t go past that point. In fact, if you’re not careful and you’re going too fast, you might run face-first into it like it’s an invisible wall (which it is).
Then, just like that, you're back in the village. Again. Only this time, there's a nice, blinking message -- Pay a small subscription fee to access member's content. Oh well. No big deal, you can just start again.
Except then you see a cool sword and when you try to pick it up, you'll get that same message, and end up transported back to the village yet again. And again, with some shiny new armor. And again, with that attention-grabbing NPC over there. Looks like you're caught in an infinite loop here but no matter how much you inspect the pop up, there's no... actual way to pay the subscription fee (and why would you want to?). But at least you have company, because you can't be the only person who thought that sword was cool.
(It was really, really cool.)
BONUS [ xxxx ] What’s that on the ground in front of you? It looks like… some bunny ears? Or maybe it’s a chicken head, or a pumpkin head. Either way, the moment you touch it, you have a strong need to put it on your head -- and once it’s on, it’s not coming off.
To make matters worse, each hat has an effect associated with it; the bunny ears will, in fact, randomly turn you into a cute fluffy bunny for anywhere from 5 minutes to an hour before you pop right back to yourself, whereas the pumpkin hat will, in a complete reversal, turn you into Cinderella for a bit -- complete with beautiful ball gown and the ability to talk to all of those cute fluffy bunnies.
Also the rats will love you, so maybe you should go back to the caves again.
Meanwhile, the chicken hat won't transform you into any odd creature, but it will inspire in the people wearing them a very real, persistent desire to build a nest. This will involve picking up twigs, trash, shiny things and whatever else catches your eye to try to build a nest out of it. You'll also try to pick up whatever food you find on the ground to eat, have the weirdest desire to lay an egg, and basically have all sorts of odd chicken-like instincts inflicted upon you.
At least you look festive!
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Hey, what happened to tooth for tooth and all that? At least tell me your name, it's kinda weird that I know more about your underwear and what's in your bag than what to call you!
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... Senjougahara Hitagi. Hitagi is my first name.
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[ REALLY awesome, because by the time she got to the Hitagi part, he had already forgotten how to pronounce Senjbjslsharara. ]
Hitagi. Hey, kinda suits you! Like "hit"!
Hahah, I'm just kidding!
But seriously it does.
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Anyway, Jaune, if you want to know what's beyond this river, you'll need to cook a fish.
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...
OH! Oh, that! [ Way to get sidetracked from the original quest. ]
Is that what you meant about the bridge being useless? Why didn't you just say it from the start?!
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There's nothing beyond that bridge.
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[ HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO HIM, JAUNE ARC ]
Oh, Hitagi, who knew you'd be so shy about it! It's okay, I'm not gonna cross this bridge if you don't want me to. In fact, I'm not going anywhere! How could I abandon you after that kinda confession?! Darn it, curse them all for destroying our homeworlds, otherwise I'd be calling my mom right now!
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Jaune.
I'll only say this once, so you better listen carefully.
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It can't be...!!
Are you saying what I think you're gonna say?
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[ He leans forward, invading her personal space??? ]
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Jaune, I...
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Yes...?
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...have a boyfriend.
1/2
2/2
[ And suddenly the mood just drops immensely. HOW DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING-- ]
...
Do you... think I could borrow your stapler again?
[ Not that he borrowed it the first time. ]
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[ She's sadistic, not evil. ]
I can only hope that you've learned from this experience.
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[ It's a river, though. ]
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There, there. There are many fish in the sea.
[ It's a river, though. ]
And although I don't look forward to it, maybe you'll get the mermaid you've always wished for.
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That means...
She still loves him!!!! ]
Y'know what, you're right, I think I'm gonna be just fine.
[ ????
He sure got over it quick. ]
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Ah, no. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to come off that way.
I'm just worried about your mermaid fetish.
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[ wait ]
I mean I don't have one! Why would I wanna date a mermaid? I couldn't even get married and have kids with one, unless it's a reverse mermaid, with the fish parts on top and the girl parts on bottom... which is gross!!
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Mermaids... make me think of kissing a girl when I buy a pack of mints? That can't be right. Besides! I already know a mermaid here and she said all her sisters would fight over me, so there!
[ Wait, where's he going with this... ]
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This is one of the reasons she's glad she has a boyfriend who can keep up with her... ]
I see. I'm happy for you. I'm glad your meat is that delicious. Mm, that's right. USDA Prime.
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