PHASE I [ 9 00 ] You open your eyes, and there is a chicken pecking at your face. It's not a very happy chicken, either, but if you can manage to fend it off, then it will be clear that you are in a village. It is... medieval-esque, in that video game sort of way; the details don’t seem too clear, but if you look to your left, there’s a cow! And to your right, a well! Ignore the clear evidence of modern technology in the buildings such as lights, gas, and 21st century plumbing; CERES is dedicated to authenticity.
Looks like the new ViViD level has finally been released, and everyone is invited to play, whether they want to or not.
The game (because this time, that's surely what it is) will start simple. Everyone begins in the same place and every NPC villager will say the same thing: to get out of here, you have to go through the caves. They’ll shove a stick at you (“take this, it’s dangerous to go alone”) and off you go, into the caves… !
Which are full of tiny rats and more chickens. They will try to fight you, but it’s really not very effective when they’re perfectly small and average (especially when everyone still has their typical powers and abilities -- CERES didn't mess with those at all this time). The caves are winding and circular and maze-like, and to make matters even worse, the only ones around are the other poor saps stuck in this situation.
But if you kill enough of the rats, you’ll get to hear the satisfying level up jingle. Congratulations! You are now level 2. It's probably satisfying just for a minute or so until you finally find your way out of those maze like caves and -- You're back in the village again. Great.
PHASE II [ 930 ] You’re carrying a bag. No matter what you do, you can’t take it off, either; it’s stuck with you through thick and thin. But it is awfully heavy. Maybe you should actually open it and see what’s inside?
The problem is, it’s going to take a while.
The bag has clearly tapped into its true hammerspace nature; there are items for days in there, and they’re all very, very strange. You might end up covered in hats of all sorts, buried in logs as you pull out one after another, or look like you have an odd fetish for pickaxes.
Maybe there’s 1/3rd of an evil turnip, half a piece of pie and an egg.
Geez, what in the world are you supposed to do with all of that?
PHASE III [ 1200 ] Eventually, you make it out of the caves the right way despite the harassment of the rats and chickens and the fact you'll keep perpetually getting lost. Hooray! You come out into a large, peaceful, scenic meadow, with a small river bubbling off to one side, and a house.
You'll immediately notice that there’s a bridge to cross the river, but there’s someone standing in the way of that bridge. When you approach to go past him, no matter what you try to do, you won't be able to. Asking him why he won't move will only get one thing in response -- “Bring me a fish. Cooked.”
Then he’ll shove a fishing rod at you and expect you to get to it. You can’t attack him, you can’t get past him -- looks like the only thing to do is to catch and cook that fish. Time to sit back, relax, and get to work. Or maybe you’ll team up with someone else and be the person in the house making sure that the fish gets cooked properly. For some reason, if you leave it too long it turns right into a pile of ashes.
Weirdly though, no matter how good you are at cooking or fishing usually, it’s as if you’re right back at the metaphorical level one. Any sort of seasoning or effort to cook it faster falls flat and in the end you'll only be able to place the fish in the pan and set it on the stove, whole. This may take awhile.
And if you try to cross the river itself, well... no, really, don’t try to cross the river.
At least if you get eaten, you’ll just respawn back in the village, but do have fun traveling through the caves again!
PHASE IV [ 1430 ] You made it through the caves. You made it across the river (with a slightly burnt fish). You’ve made it to the wide open world, and you can finally adventure to your heart’s content. You take a step forward on the road and --
A message pops up, bright red and in your face.
[ Restricted Area: Members Only ]
No matter what you do, you can’t go past that point. In fact, if you’re not careful and you’re going too fast, you might run face-first into it like it’s an invisible wall (which it is).
Then, just like that, you're back in the village. Again. Only this time, there's a nice, blinking message -- Pay a small subscription fee to access member's content. Oh well. No big deal, you can just start again.
Except then you see a cool sword and when you try to pick it up, you'll get that same message, and end up transported back to the village yet again. And again, with some shiny new armor. And again, with that attention-grabbing NPC over there. Looks like you're caught in an infinite loop here but no matter how much you inspect the pop up, there's no... actual way to pay the subscription fee (and why would you want to?). But at least you have company, because you can't be the only person who thought that sword was cool.
(It was really, really cool.)
BONUS [ xxxx ] What’s that on the ground in front of you? It looks like… some bunny ears? Or maybe it’s a chicken head, or a pumpkin head. Either way, the moment you touch it, you have a strong need to put it on your head -- and once it’s on, it’s not coming off.
To make matters worse, each hat has an effect associated with it; the bunny ears will, in fact, randomly turn you into a cute fluffy bunny for anywhere from 5 minutes to an hour before you pop right back to yourself, whereas the pumpkin hat will, in a complete reversal, turn you into Cinderella for a bit -- complete with beautiful ball gown and the ability to talk to all of those cute fluffy bunnies.
Also the rats will love you, so maybe you should go back to the caves again.
Meanwhile, the chicken hat won't transform you into any odd creature, but it will inspire in the people wearing them a very real, persistent desire to build a nest. This will involve picking up twigs, trash, shiny things and whatever else catches your eye to try to build a nest out of it. You'll also try to pick up whatever food you find on the ground to eat, have the weirdest desire to lay an egg, and basically have all sorts of odd chicken-like instincts inflicted upon you.
At least you look festive!
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And now he is safe from Asuna Wrath Mode. His shoulders relax a little, even if he's staring after his hard earned sword with something like GREAT SADNESS. It was for a good cause. Happy wife, happy life.
He reaches up to rub the back of his head.]
Well, I don't really have a sword strong enough to go against the mob I'm looking for so I should probably be ─ Hold on.
What are you doing in here with a sword that only has +2 ATK?
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Huh? Don't you like the idea of giving creatures a slow and painful death?
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[The quicker the death, the sooner the drop.]
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You've got a lot to go if it's just one percent. What are you so angry about?
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At the question, she stills. ]
If someone told you your world was destroyed, what would you do?
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Kirito didn't really pay attention to the powerpoint. TL;DR. Or he fell asleep. Or both.]
W-Well. [He scratches his cheek.] I guess I'd be sad, but it depends on what world we're talking about.
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That world is taken away from you, and now you're stuck in a ridiculous game you don't even know you can win.
[ She points the same sword she traded for at Kirito with fire in her eyes. ]
How would you feel?
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He holds his hands up. Why is his own sword being used against him?!]
A-Angry!? [He guesses!!! If he says what she's expecting maybe she'll cut him some slack] But I mean... all games can be won. You just have to know how to play.
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As she ponders this, she keeps the sword pointed at him for a while longer. Then, she puts it back in its scabbard. ]
Then it would help if I had a goal.
1/2
A goal, huh? [He thumbs over his shoulder towards the cave entrance. Wherever that is.]
There are plenty of NPC quests around to take. That's a good place to start in figuring out how this game works, gather information. I was wandering around here waiting for a certain mob to drop an item I need. Gathering Quests are pretty boring but they're a good way to gain XP for low level players rather than waste time grinding.
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... N-No offense!
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Then? After that? Do I mindlessly gather experience points until I reach level 100?
When do I reach the real world?
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I-It's not like I know the level cap here. But it's usually Level 100, I guess.
[SHRUGS.]
Probably when you beat the game. [A pause.] ... Just don't take it too seriously. I mean, you'll miss out on some good stuff if you only focus on gathering XP and leveling up. [What's the good stuff Kirito TWO YEARS' WORTH??]
1/2
[ She gives him an intense look, as if trying to bore into his own and uncover a secret chapter in his life... ]
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In any case, thank you for your help, Kuro-kun. We may not meet again, but somehow I feel as if I'll be able to repay the favor somehow. Do you like blonde girls with cat ears?
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Cat ears.......]
H-Hell no! [He goes a bit red. But he needs to say no even if he does like them. If word ever got out, he would be SHUNNED. AS A PERVERT FURRY.]
Uh, anyway, it was no problem. [He doesn't think he really helped all that much. Other than giving her a good sword. Oh well, he's got Asuna's sword with him. A little piece of her so it was worth it.]
Kuro is pretty close but my name is actually Kirito. Guess I'll call you Fencer-san since you had this rapier.
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It's Senjougahara. [ Battlefield in English. ]
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O-Okay. [No Fencer-san then.] Save some rats for me when I get back, Senjougahara.
[He needs to get a better sword again. LIFTS HIS HAND IN AN AWKWARD WAVE BYE.]
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I'll make sure to befriend the ones I haven't killed, Kirito-kun. I'm Cinderegahara.
[ What an awkward guy! He gives her faith in humanity, though. ]
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He pauses in his escape, eyes darting to the side.]
You probably shouldn't befriend them unless you want to be a part of the Tamer Class. Even then there's better creatures out there to have as a partner, probably. [RAT PRINCESS SENJOUGAHARA.
Alright, he'll leave now that he's done with his RPG Advice 101.]
See ya. [After fumbling with putting the rapier on his belt SIGH he misses his sword already]