PHASE I [ 9 00 ] You open your eyes, and there is a chicken pecking at your face. It's not a very happy chicken, either, but if you can manage to fend it off, then it will be clear that you are in a village. It is... medieval-esque, in that video game sort of way; the details don’t seem too clear, but if you look to your left, there’s a cow! And to your right, a well! Ignore the clear evidence of modern technology in the buildings such as lights, gas, and 21st century plumbing; CERES is dedicated to authenticity.
Looks like the new ViViD level has finally been released, and everyone is invited to play, whether they want to or not.
The game (because this time, that's surely what it is) will start simple. Everyone begins in the same place and every NPC villager will say the same thing: to get out of here, you have to go through the caves. They’ll shove a stick at you (“take this, it’s dangerous to go alone”) and off you go, into the caves… !
Which are full of tiny rats and more chickens. They will try to fight you, but it’s really not very effective when they’re perfectly small and average (especially when everyone still has their typical powers and abilities -- CERES didn't mess with those at all this time). The caves are winding and circular and maze-like, and to make matters even worse, the only ones around are the other poor saps stuck in this situation.
But if you kill enough of the rats, you’ll get to hear the satisfying level up jingle. Congratulations! You are now level 2. It's probably satisfying just for a minute or so until you finally find your way out of those maze like caves and -- You're back in the village again. Great.
PHASE II [ 930 ] You’re carrying a bag. No matter what you do, you can’t take it off, either; it’s stuck with you through thick and thin. But it is awfully heavy. Maybe you should actually open it and see what’s inside?
The problem is, it’s going to take a while.
The bag has clearly tapped into its true hammerspace nature; there are items for days in there, and they’re all very, very strange. You might end up covered in hats of all sorts, buried in logs as you pull out one after another, or look like you have an odd fetish for pickaxes.
Maybe there’s 1/3rd of an evil turnip, half a piece of pie and an egg.
Geez, what in the world are you supposed to do with all of that?
PHASE III [ 1200 ] Eventually, you make it out of the caves the right way despite the harassment of the rats and chickens and the fact you'll keep perpetually getting lost. Hooray! You come out into a large, peaceful, scenic meadow, with a small river bubbling off to one side, and a house.
You'll immediately notice that there’s a bridge to cross the river, but there’s someone standing in the way of that bridge. When you approach to go past him, no matter what you try to do, you won't be able to. Asking him why he won't move will only get one thing in response -- “Bring me a fish. Cooked.”
Then he’ll shove a fishing rod at you and expect you to get to it. You can’t attack him, you can’t get past him -- looks like the only thing to do is to catch and cook that fish. Time to sit back, relax, and get to work. Or maybe you’ll team up with someone else and be the person in the house making sure that the fish gets cooked properly. For some reason, if you leave it too long it turns right into a pile of ashes.
Weirdly though, no matter how good you are at cooking or fishing usually, it’s as if you’re right back at the metaphorical level one. Any sort of seasoning or effort to cook it faster falls flat and in the end you'll only be able to place the fish in the pan and set it on the stove, whole. This may take awhile.
And if you try to cross the river itself, well... no, really, don’t try to cross the river.
At least if you get eaten, you’ll just respawn back in the village, but do have fun traveling through the caves again!
PHASE IV [ 1430 ] You made it through the caves. You made it across the river (with a slightly burnt fish). You’ve made it to the wide open world, and you can finally adventure to your heart’s content. You take a step forward on the road and --
A message pops up, bright red and in your face.
[ Restricted Area: Members Only ]
No matter what you do, you can’t go past that point. In fact, if you’re not careful and you’re going too fast, you might run face-first into it like it’s an invisible wall (which it is).
Then, just like that, you're back in the village. Again. Only this time, there's a nice, blinking message -- Pay a small subscription fee to access member's content. Oh well. No big deal, you can just start again.
Except then you see a cool sword and when you try to pick it up, you'll get that same message, and end up transported back to the village yet again. And again, with some shiny new armor. And again, with that attention-grabbing NPC over there. Looks like you're caught in an infinite loop here but no matter how much you inspect the pop up, there's no... actual way to pay the subscription fee (and why would you want to?). But at least you have company, because you can't be the only person who thought that sword was cool.
(It was really, really cool.)
BONUS [ xxxx ] What’s that on the ground in front of you? It looks like… some bunny ears? Or maybe it’s a chicken head, or a pumpkin head. Either way, the moment you touch it, you have a strong need to put it on your head -- and once it’s on, it’s not coming off.
To make matters worse, each hat has an effect associated with it; the bunny ears will, in fact, randomly turn you into a cute fluffy bunny for anywhere from 5 minutes to an hour before you pop right back to yourself, whereas the pumpkin hat will, in a complete reversal, turn you into Cinderella for a bit -- complete with beautiful ball gown and the ability to talk to all of those cute fluffy bunnies.
Also the rats will love you, so maybe you should go back to the caves again.
Meanwhile, the chicken hat won't transform you into any odd creature, but it will inspire in the people wearing them a very real, persistent desire to build a nest. This will involve picking up twigs, trash, shiny things and whatever else catches your eye to try to build a nest out of it. You'll also try to pick up whatever food you find on the ground to eat, have the weirdest desire to lay an egg, and basically have all sorts of odd chicken-like instincts inflicted upon you.
At least you look festive!
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the warden ► dragon age
after trying for the fourth time to get a villager to say something other than "you can leave through the caves," she sighs and mutters under her breath. ] At least it can't be worse than the Deep Roads?
[ stick in hand, she slowly makes her way to the caves, studying everything around her as best she can while walking. after all, it would be foolish to just go along with things when she has no idea where she is, how she got there, or why none of these people seem to have any minds of their own. it's suspicious. and slightly irritating.
but not as irritating as being attacked by tiny rats and chickens. ]
This can't be happening. [ she grumbles as she whacks a chicken with the stick before stretching out a hand and throwing lightning at a few rats. ] Oh, I'm going to get laughed at so much when I get back to the Vigil.
[ it started out as a fairly simple idea. take a few things out of the bag to lighten the load, then keep moving. by the time she'd pulled out three books, two turnips, a miniature spinning wheel, and two axes, amell realized that the plan was going to need some changes.
now she's sitting on the floor of the cave, a rather large pile of junk next to her. emptying the bag may seem impossible, but she's determined. after all, there must be an end to it all somewhere, right?
... right? ]
[ a carved pumpkin should not be that compelling. it shouldn't. there is no reason for the warden to want to put it on her head, and yet... she does? she is--warily staring down at it in her hands. why does she want to wear this so much?
after a moment, she tentatively shoves it down over her head. and then squeaks in surprise as she's suddenly in a ball gown. ]
What in-- [ carefully, she plucks at the skirt with scarred hands. ] What kind of magic is this?
phase i!
that is all to say that if the warden's not quick about ducking, she might be hit with a sudden chicken being bodily thrown across the caves from down the tunnel. then, after a moment, a very annoyed drawl and the stomp of some boots, hawke approaches with one chicken tucked under her arm and another clutched within a gloved hand. ]
Nice light show you have there, serah, but I wouldn't waste my energy. They're all over the tunnels, might as well just kick them.
[ hawke is not an animal rights activist, no. ]
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All over the tunnels? [ you've got to be joking. ] Isn't that a bit strange for chickens?
[ shouldn't they be laying eggs somewhere or getting ready to be dinner? ]
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Naturally, but nothing about this makes any sense. Watch --
[ hawke takes that chicken in hand and drops it, swinging up a foot to kick it clear across the cavern. it goes pretty far, the only sign of where it landed being the incredibly put upon squawking from the thing. then, after a moment -- a jingle plays. ]
Look at that, I've just "leveled up."
[ none of that was helpful, hawke. ]
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also hawke is most definitely the least helpful person ever. ]
Well, you've certainly got the not making sense part down.
[ she sighs and pinches the bridge of her nose for a moment to ward off a headache. ] I suppose there's nothing to do but keep moving forward and kicking chickens, then. [ ... ] I'm Hadley, by the way. Hadley Amell.
no subject
[ hawke likes a lady who can adapt to the strange and unusual. being stuck in cerealia has made hawke's typical "well, that's just great" outlook on life become a bit more prominent, especially with all this technology she doesn't know how to use. who would have thought her sword would eventually become outdated? not hawke!
either way, she lets the warden take a moment to collect herself, nodding along as she talks of kicking chickens and -- ah. hawke's eyebrows furrow, head tilting. it isn't really that common a name but with these multiple worlds... ]
Amell? How funny, that's my mother's family name.
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Really? Where is your mother from?
[ the odds of her meeting someone she's actually related to are incredibly slim. especially since she only has faint memories of her mother and siblings. but, hey, it's a way to keep conversation going. ]
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Oh, ah. A city named Kirkwall, but most here don't know of it. It's unlikely you'd know her.
[ but she does tilt her head in hadley's direction then as they walk, tossing her last chicken to the ground to move on with introducing herself. ]
The name is Hawke, by the way. It's a pleasure, despite the vermin filled circumstances.
Bonus
As far as ballroom attire goes, it looks fairly ordinary. [He responds dryly.]
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The dress itself isn't what I was talking about. It's more that I wasn't wearing it a second ago.
[ armor does not turn into silk at the drop of a hat, ok. ]
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